Facing my Real Enemy

The last scathing email from Daddy James was the proverbial straw that demolished my broken heart into dust.  Just a short time before, I would have considered the email chastising my trip to the church a challenge.  I would have been thrilled to know I was making Jaymie's family squirm.
Not this time. After receiving the most recent email tongue lashing, I crumbled.  I had no more fight left in me. It was almost time to raise the white flag of surrender.

My first reaction after reading the email from Daddy James was to seek atonement from the Pastor.  I remember I completely lost it.  I was sobbing so hard I had to strain to catch my breath as I wrote to Pastor Jeff.  I shared that email with you here: Rock Bottom
I may have dared to hope the Pastor might offer me some guidance.  That didn't happen.  Never heard a single pastoral peep from the man after I sent him the email of contrition.  Daddy James must have been right on.  That Pastor was pissed.....pissed and wise enough to steer clear of my marital mayhem.

My story timeline is now nearing the end of August, 2011, not quite a year after DDay.  I wasn't close to finding my Road to Happy.  I thought that Road might be permanently shut down for me.  No passage allowed!  Not surprising that I couldn't see my way to the Road.  My real enemy had set up blockades so high and deep there was no way I could get a visual.
The real enemy threatened to smother me by fighting any attempts I may have made at moving forward.

I so wanted to kick my enemy's ass but I had no clue how I could accomplish that.  At this point, I was ready to throw in the towel.  For nearly a year, I had managed to distract myself from my real enemy.  Bad form.  If only I had been smart enough, strong enough and brave enough to face my real enemy, I am certain I would have spared myself a massive amount of suffering.

But....the real enemy scared the ever loving crap out of me on a daily basis.  No wonder I avoided facing the person that was making my life hell.  Truly, not a day went by that my real enemy didn't do something to strike fear in my dilapidated heart.  

Here's where I had trouble.....I really didn't understand who my real enemy was.  I didn't get it at all.  Jaymie wasn't my real enemy.  Daddy James considered me an enemy, but he was never mine.  Certainly Geek Boy Kevin was not enemy material.

My mind began to shift inward.  I'm not saying I gave up on getting answers from Jaymie just yet, but in my rational moments, I knew the answers for all my questions about Richard's infidelity would never come from her.  You may think I felt Richard was my real enemy.  Logical conclusion, but no.  The grand title of My Real Enemy belonged exclusively to me.

You Know Who You Are

Sorry to interrupt the flow of my story, but I gotta use this blog to send a message to the reader that seems compelled to screw with me.  Not just me...she is trying to mess with Richard to get to me.

I write truth.  My truth.  My opinions.  My point of view.  Richard knows I write.  AFAIK...he rarely reads.  He knows what happened.  He does not feel the need to revisit our dark days.  He does, however, respect my choice to write.  He knows, as do I, that this blog opens us up to potential haters because I write about some very specific places and events.  I'm not worried about exposure.  My life is what it is.  Sharing it heals me.
Sometimes haters get a little fired up.  No problem.  You gotta issue with me?  Bring it.  Let's go.  I am always open for a good debate.  Let me hear why I'm such a bitter, angry woman that is too weak and too scared to leave my cheating prick of a husband.
Haters words can't hurt me.  They are only faceless screen names with a keyboard and internet access.

Here's what I'M NOT open for...the person that sent Richard an email at work pretending to be Jaymie.
We didn't even know the email was sent until she emailed me through my profile and said something like, "Bet you didn't know Jaymie emailed Richard at work!"   She was right.  Neither of us knew because the damn email was buried way down in his spam folder.  I dug it up.  It had previously been unread. The emails she sent Richard and I were both from someone calling herself La Zawn, email address:  dogtown@doglover.com

The email address was no good.  We couldn't reply to her if we wanted to....and Oh, I really wanted to!!   We knew it wasn't from Jaymie.  The address used to reach Richard was from a website search engine, not his personal one that Jaymie always utilized to hook up with my husband.   PLUS... it was just too vague to be her and I'm pretty damn sure Jaymie has had her fill of my family!  So, it made me wonder...who would seek out Richard like that?  How did they know our last name to find his law firm online?  AND...why in the hell would someone go to so much effort?  I have lots of theories but no answers because La Zawn/DogTown is a chicken shit!

Today brought another visit from La Zawn...we think.  Richard's receptionist took a message today from someone saying it was Jaymie.  The message was, "Please tell Richard to call me.  He knows the number."  Yeah, right!!  The receptionist knew Jaymie!  She knew it wasn't her!  Richard called and emailed me immediately to let me know what was up.

The purpose of this post is to send a shout out to whoever it is that has taken an interest in my marriage.  YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.  You also know how to reach me.
I can not fathom why you have your panties in such a wad, but you're wasting your time with Richard.
If you are looking for attention....I'm right here.  Wadda ya need?

Rock Bottom

I guess what THEY say (who in the hell THEY are escapes me!) about Rock Bottom is true.  At least it was for me.  I had to hit Rock Bottom to begin my walk up on the Road to Happy.  The email from Daddy James threw me down hard onto the floor of the dark corner of Crazy Town known as Rock Bottom.

How about this for a lead in understatement?  Daddy James was pissed.  I had no idea what he might do about it.  My best guess was after he sent his email to Richard, Pastor Jeff and I, he wouldn't do a damn thing.  For so long I had hoped for a confrontation with Jaymie.  I didn't care where, court would have suited me just fine.

When I look back now, I can't even remember WHY I wanted to confront Jaymie.  Did I have an exhaustive list of questions that begged for answers?  Was I boldly determined to unleash Royal Bitch on her?  Rake her over the coals, squash her under my heal and make her cower?  Or was it more about continual punishment, making her suffer as I was by causing turmoil in her life?
Probably all of the above to some degree.

The threat of a restraining order or a harassment lawsuit did nothing to mitigate my intense focus on Jaymie.  BUT....the email from Daddy James did throw a switch on my guilt-o-meter.  If his email was accurate, I had managed to piss off a Pastor!  I mean, I'm not a church going girl, but I understood that you had to commit a fairly heinous crime for a pastor to be infuriated with you!  They are supposed to be forgiving, right?  Compassionate, right?  If Pastor Jeff was incensed with me, I must be undeserving of those sympathetic emotions!  I had clawed and battled for months to purchase my own personal piece of real estate in Rock Bottom.  I had finally arrived, moved in and set up house.

I decided to write to Pastor Jeff to sooth my guilty soul.  I needed to convince him I was not a demon in Betrayed Wife's clothing.  My conscience required I repent for my sins against his church.  I emailed him with this:

I need to write and tell you how sorry I am for bringing you and your church into my messy life.  Jim was only partially right about my intentions.  My only goal has been to get Jaymie to talk to me.  I have so many questions about her relationship with my husband, Richard, that only she can answer.  I keep hoping that if I can fill in the gaps about what happened, then I'll know if I can ever forgive Richard and get past this.

So, in that regard, I was using your church for my own purposes.  BUT...when I got there, I knew I could never do anything like that no matter how desperately I want answers.  Even sitting in the parking lot, I was horrified at myself.  I almost drove away, but then I thought maybe I could find some hope inside.  I couldn't believe how kind and welcoming you all were to me.  I felt so guilty, undeserving of your kindness.  That's why, I didn't say a thing.  I didn't go up to anyone.  I sat in the back hoping there would be a message for me in your sermon.  Praying that God might speak to me and help me heal my broken life.

I'm bawling like a baby as I type this.  My heart is so broken.  I am so lost.

And, I am so sorry.  I will never bother you or anyone at your church ever again.

I realize that my feeble attempts to manipulate Jaymie into helping me were not well thought out.  I know now that she'll never help me.  She begged my husband to leave me.  Why would she want to help me?

Guess I need a plan B.

Again, I can't apologize enough.  I am not able to find forgiveness in my heart, but I pray you can.

Never heard from Pastor Jeff.  Not a word.  He didn't respond to forgive me or chastise me.  He may not be a saintly forgiving type of church leader, but he was smart.  I think he was right to ignore me.  He couldn't help me.  Even a quick email of forgiveness would have been wasted on me then.
The one part of my note to him that rings completely true is:  I AM SO LOST.  He surely didn't have a map that would lead me out of Rock Bottom.

That was August 20th, 2011.  For a few weeks after this, I rarely left Rock Bottom.  Without the energy or even the will to be angry, I wallowed in the lowermost region of Crazy Town.  I drank too much and slept too little.  I hated Rock Bottom.  Or, to be more accurate...I hated ME at Rock Bottom because it felt like surrender.  I was giving up on my marriage.  I had been defeated.
It would take numerous weeks for me to realize that this quote from JK Rowling could work for me. It can work for you too.  Focus on this...Once you hit Rock Bottom, you got no where to go but up!