THEN & NOW

Just read the best thread of comments on That age-old question after the discovery of an affair… « Our Journey After His Affair

I won't rehash it all, but you really should go read it.  Once again, that Wayward Spouse Blogger dude was shooting off his mouth about how we, as betrayed wives, need to own some of the blame (seems as if he'd like to toss the lion's share of it into our arms!) for our cheating spouses wayward behavior.  In the thread, 3 betrayed wives, much better writers than I, made eloquent remarks defending our right to deny any blame.  They're words got me thinking....

About THEN & NOW.  How different my life would have been if I knew THEN all I know NOW.   What would I have done if Richard had come to me THEN and told me how he was struggling with getting older?  Would I have been understanding if he had shared that he had met a 24 year old girl that he couldn't get out of his head?  Would I have suggested counseling or would I have shut down and told him to get a freaking grip!?  Hindsight, all it once it is both beautiful and sinister.

The main reason I feel very strongly that the betrayed hold no blame for their partners infidelity is they should have come to us THEN.  THEN is anytime before choosing to go outside the marriage.  THEN is when we should have been given the opportunity to step up and fulfill the unmet needs of our spouses that caused them to cheat.

But, I guess that only rings true if there were unmet needs.  Wayward Blogger is oh, so adamant that is why men cheat...unmet needs.  What about unmet communication needs, Asshole??  (Sorry.  I could delete the name calling, but screw it.  It's my  blog.  I can call it like I see it here.)  Are perfect wives mind-readers?  Should I have been consulting with a psychic to discover my husband wanted more attention?   Damn.  If only I had owned a crystal ball!  I know I could have prevented Richard from jumping Jaymie's bones!!

Ugh.  Wayward Blogger brings out the sarcasm in me.  His arrogance and patronizing tone just chap my bootie.  He's so absurd.
Changing attitude....there, I'm over it.

Beautiful hindsight.  From THEN, we gain perspective.  If we are wise, we are able to learn from past mistakes, never to make the same ones again.  This is where I am NOW.

Sinister hindsight, focusing on the morbid, sordid hideous details of mistakes made THEN.   Wallowing in the negative, dwelling on blame, allowing THEN to prevent a better NOW.  This is where I was for a full year after DDay.

 I still don't have a crystal ball and I can only imagine what would have happened if Richard had come to me THEN.  What I know for sure is Richard never gave me a chance to be there for him THEN.  That's all I really need to know NOW to cast the blame away.  

THEN, Richard and I had lost the communication skills required for a healthy, happy marriage.  He didn't trust me enough to let me in.  He went to a stranger for comfort.  He owns the blame for that decision.  NOW, he vows to always come to me.
NOW, we talk every day, about everything.  No topic is insignificant.  No subject is taboo.  NOW, with the help of beautiful hindsight, our marriage is full of promise and I am grateful for lessons learned.

My 30th Anniversary

I'm outta here for a week, Friends.  Richard and I are taking a little trip to celebrate our 30th anniversary.  I bought him a card that says "You are the best of my past, the joy of my present and the promise of my future."
Of all the sappy cards that I read, this one felt the MOST true.
This trip will be all about attitude for me.  Never been to the state where we're going, so triggers should be minimal.  I am determined to focus on my road to happy!  It's time.

So, off I go, after this quickie post.  Maybe off to begin the rest of my happy ever after.
Damn...that's sounds good!
Hope & Hugs!

Ugly Weather at Jaymie's House

Affair fog is not just for betrayers.  After DDay, I predict the betrayed may suffer with diminished ability to see clearly due to fog in La La Land.  The fog can be pea soup thick when a storm is brewing.
Someone should have issued a severe storm warning.  My wicked case of post DDay affair fog thickened up a few days after Thanksgiving.  I wasn't seeing anything clearly.  Richard called himself "My Barometer".  His quality of life was completely dependent on my moods.  I have likened these past months to a war.  Maybe I should have used the weather metaphor instead.  I was the proverbial tempest in a tea kettle.  So in love.  Imagining the perfect future with my not-so-perfect man one minute, measuring myself for a tight white jacket the next or maybe having such an enormous fit of anger, Richard could not see any possible way we had an ice cube's chance in hell of reconciling.
In each new day there was the potential for a category 5 hurricane.  The morning I'm about to share was one of those days.

Consequences weren't on my Dopler radar.  I wasn't thinking that far ahead.  It was not even day by day...it was minute by minute most of the time.  Questions about the affair were so over whelming to me that day.  I couldn't take it.  Jaymie had not responded to any of the emails I had sent recently.  Playing on her sympathies and offering to throw Richard under the bus wasn't working.  She didn't want him back, AFAIK, so wouldn't she want to destroy him?  He lied to her, used her, tossed her aside like a used condom.  You think she'd want to give me all the dirt so I would hang him out to dry...by his penis!

Texting was also a total waste of time. I needed a more direct approach. Still had her home number.  That had proven to be a sure thing.  Back to the war analogy...

The casualty count was about to rise again.

Jaymie's dad picked up.  "Hello?"

"Hello.  I need to speak...."

"Got it, Dad!!"  

She was exceedingly NOT happy about me calling her house.  As you can imagine, that sent me into a very natural endorphin enhanced euphoria!  She wanted to know just what I thought I was doing!?

My plan, a few seconds ago, was just to get her on the phone.  Get some much needed answers to my over flowing list of questions about her time with Richard.

But, that was a WHOLE second ago.  Once I heard the fear in her voice...the fear of her dad finding out...It was soooo ON!  "I want to talk to your dad.  Please put him on the phone."

"Why?  Why would you involve him?"

"Jaymie...I'm a parent!  If my daughter was making such horrendous life choices, I sure hope someone would let me know.  I just want to do the right thing."

Oh my God!  This was the most fun I'd had since DDay!

"Shawn, please.  There is no reason to talk to him.  It's over. I thought we had an understanding.  I tried to help you.  I answered your questions."   Not all of them.  Not even close.

"You are so stupid.  Why would I just let you off the hook?  I was only nice to you to get the information I wanted.  It's obvious how Richard played you.  Manipulating you is a piece of cake."

Royal Bitch in full body armor had shown up for this battle! (Oh, wait! Are we still doing the weather analogy?.Ok..this storm...this tornado...whatever!)  I was in my glory!  Ripping her a new one and listening to her squirm!  I'm getting chills now just thinking about it!

Played a little cat and mouse with her for a bit more.  Hearing her BEG me not to call Daddy was like seeing a double rainbow after a raging rain.  (I really gotta get my metaphors figured out. Sorry.)  It was way too much fun to stop.  In the end, I made it clear, her dad and I were gonna chat.

Finally, I hung up on her.  I had also acquired her dad's work line.  He worked from home, but he had a private line.  Used that.  Get ready, James.  

"Hello?"

"Is this Mr. S****?"

"Yes, it is."

"This is Shawn F*****, Richard's wife. I have something you need to know.  Your daughter had a affair with my husband."

There was a very long pause.  I waited.  I figured it would take some time to set in.  What really surprised me was the fact that he never doubted a word of what I told him.  Not a word.  As I parent, I think I would have needed a bit of proof that my daughter was a low-life skank.  Not James.  

I could have offered up the emails.  I could have shared sordid details galore!  Nope.  Not necessary.

The rest of the call was James apologizing to me.  Asking about MY welfare!  Inquiring about MY emotional state!  What could he do for me?  Well, that sure slowed my wind speed down a notch.  Open up the flood gates, here it comes....I wailed!  I couldn't believe how kind this man was being to me!  How could I be such a Royal Bitch??  He, unwittingly, continued to apply the tourniquet of guilt, 

"Can I pray with you?"  

Then he proceeded to ask our Dear Lord to help me heal, give me guidance and comfort my heart.  I think the whole call lasted less than 10 minutes.  As I sobbed, I prayed for a cyclone to pick me up and deposit me in hell, right then, where I belonged.

Once again, I didn't think it through.  I didn't think at all.  I acted or reacted.  I was volatile. 

This blog helps me understand what I should have done differently.  If you are dealing with the first few months after DDay, use me like the local weather woman.  I'm gonna let you know when you'll need an umbrella, when to pack the sunscreen and when to stay the hell home because the road to happy is too damn icy to navigate.

Hyper-Emotions & False Forgiveness

No real memories from the next day, Thanksgiving.  I must have held it all together rather nicely.  I faced my dad knowing he KNEW and hadn't said anything to me at all.  Not a damn thing.  In hind sight, which is always ever so much clearer, I'm glad he just played along, kept out of it.  I was not ready to stir my parents into the mix.

I went back through old emails today to try and get a grip on the timeline.  What I found surprised me.  I had told Richard that I forgave him!!  What?  No way the law of physics would tolerate such rapid accents and descents on a coaster.  I think I must have fallen off the coaster and landed in that evil, spinning tea-cup ride!  Just a few short days ago I had tried to throw Richard's sorry ass out on the street!  Royal Bitch ruled!  So, when in the hell did Lovelorn Lucy show up?  I blame her for the false forgiveness.  I can't be held accountable for drivel that spilled out of her mushy mouth.

He cried when I said the words.  Or rather...when SHE said the words, "I forgive you."  We had just enjoyed another round of hysterical bonding when the words rose up and dripped right off of my lips like melted butter.  He sobbed.

Why did I say it?  Why did I even think it?  Forgiveness?  Less than 2 months post Dday?

Hysterical bonding isn't just about sex.  It is also about emotions.  They should be called hyper-emotions.  Just like the sex, everything feels elevated, touching every part of you on a new level.  The love, the agony, the anger, every emotion you feel...you feel more intensely than ever before. When we had sex, we did things we'd never done before, not even when we first started dating.  When we talked, when we shared our feelings, we spoke of passion and pain as though we were reciting Shakespeare.   Read these emails we exchanged after the false forgiveness.  These are just a small snippet of our amped up emotional communication.
From Richard to me:
My Darling Wife:

When you read this, it will either be the last thing you read tonight or the first thing you read in the morning. Either way, I hope it will make you happy and give you hope. I want it to be something you come back to time and again to for healing, especially after you have visited something that causes you emotional cutting.

Today is the day you told me that you forgive me. I cannot think of any three words in my life that were more welcomed. Thank you so very much. You have made me strong again. You have given me a reason to hope and to go on every day. I will not let you down. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. To grow together. To grow old together. To take care of each other forever. I cannot see it or imagine it any other way.

You think I only wrote to her. Well now I am writing to you. And I am sane; saner than I have been in a long time.

I love you my darling wife. I have loved you since the moment I fell in love with you which as near as I can figure it was the day we were walking around New York and you tripped off the curb and you called yourself a spaz. I saw the unassuming, wholesome, laugh-at-myself, free spirited Mountaineer that captured me forever. You were so different than anyone I had ever met. So confident, so comfortable with yourself, so you. And it just got better – I loved everything about you! You were my type! You are my type.

I love everything about you. Your happy genes. Your blue eyes. Your long, white, soft body. The way everyone looks at you when you walk in the room. I have always loved you. I have never fallen out of love with you. Never.

Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for believing in us.
You are my only girlfriend.
You are my true love.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I have never seen it any other way.
I love you.

Richard

My reply to him:
Good morning, My darling husband:

I want to share a few thoughts with you this morning.  

You thanked me for forgiving you.  It was the only choice I could make because I could not imagine life without you.

We will be so much stronger now.  We will truly appreciate our love and how lucky we are to have one another.

Please remember that with complete honesty we can get through anything together.  Don't try to judge what you should or shouldn't tell me.  If you are concerned something will hurt me, be assured that hiding something, withholding anything or lying will hurt me 100 times more.

If you need to talk about anything, I will listen.  I will not judge you or try to control you.  I only want to be there when you need me no matter the reason.  I believe in you.  I know what a good man you are.  When you doubt how wonderful you are, just come to me and I will show you.  I could never love a lesser man the way I have always loved you.

So...be happy today.  We have much to be happy about.  We have much to look forward to.  We have such a great deal to be thankful for.

The past is behind us and our future is so bright.

I will always love you.

Shawn

Lovelorn Lucy embraced the hyper-emotions, loved planning a new, solid future with her man, but Royal Bitch had other ideas.
Why else would I have sent this to Jaymie the same day?  I even attached a copy of Richard's email for her to enjoy.  Had to wave my flag of victory, right?  

He no longer loves you, if he ever did at all.  His heart belongs to me.  It always did.  

Hopefully we all learned something from this brief gap in my husband's sanity.

I learned that he needs me more than I ever knew.  He learned that I will always be there for him if he only asks.

You should learn that allowing yourself to be used by a married man lessens you, cheapens you.

I don't think that's how you want to live, is it?

`Shawn`

On the surface, I worked to wrap Richard around my little pinky.  Wanted him close.  Told him what I knew he wanted to hear and I think I MOSTLY meant all I professed.  He was getting all of Lovelorn Lucy and lapping it up.  But, I wasn't done punishing him or Jaymie.  Royal Bitch had taken to operating covertly, setting up Black Ops behind a facade of potential happy ever after.
Those hyper-emotions are so close to reality.  But, they aren't real.  It's like "After-Affair Fog".  You make your reality what you need it to be, not what it actually is.
Exhausting, ain't it??

Ultimatums....INCOMING!

That morning, in our bedroom, I was pacing back and forth and breathing like a race horse running in the Derby.  No wonder I couldn't think straight, too much damn oxygen pumping through my bod.  The human body is an amazing creation.
Too much oxygen + adrenaline = Ranting may continue!!
If adrenaline hadn't been delivered to my system in an over-load dose during this manic moment, I probably would have hyperventilated and fainted.  I must have looked like I was an escapee from the maximum security psych ward.  This was my worst melt-down since DDay, and unfortunately, not my last, not by a long shot.  Prepare yourself...during my melt downs, the language was not for the ears of church going folk.

How could he have lied again?  That question reverberated in my head and the words probably flew out of mouth, too.  I had no filter to contain my thoughts.  I thought it.  I said it or perhaps yelled it.  Richard knew damn well I had been doing my best to keep our shit storm away from my parents, but he somehow thought it would be OK to confide in my dear old dad.  Now, answer me this...if it was really OK, why wouldn't he tell me he'd done it?  Why wait until I say I think it's time to fill the family in and THEN confess to the little secret??  Because it was not OK!  It was way less than OK!  It was sending me directly into a massive nervous breakdown that had been knocking on my door for weeks.

When I talked about my girls...I forgot to mention Lady Lunatic.  She was exceedingly unpredictable and down right scary.  Situations like this were perfect fuel for Lady.  That girl had no self-control and when she let loose...consequences be damned!  Since DDay, my mantra was...I want to know everything!  Tell me all of it!  Don't hide anything!  I warned Richard (a warning is an ultimatum in slightly cuter clothes) numerous times that I could not handle any more lies.  I needed to know everything he might still be concealing so I could begin to process it all.  You can't rebuild a decimated house without all the proper tools.  Honesty was to be the foundation of our remodel.

Fire Away!!  "You told my dad, so I'm gonna tell your sisters."
"It's the day before Thanksgiving!  The entire family is there!  Why would you want to spoil that for them?"
"You should have thought of that before you decided to spoil our whole life!"

Since Dday, Richard had let me rule the roost.  When I was loving and needy, the air was smooth and he traveled calmly.  On days like this, turbulence tossed him around like a rag doll.  Before this fiasco, during visits from Lady Lunatic, he had kept his head low and rode it out with his seat belt fastened....tight!  On this day, he found his own Mr. Toughie Pants.  The thought of revealing his abhorrent behavior to his family made him fight back.

He actually raised his voice.  Hadn't done that since Dday either.  "You are NOT calling them! There is no reason to ruin their holiday!  All our nieces and nephews are there! They don't deserve to be dropped in the middle of our mess!"  Well, no shit.  My parents didn't deserve that either.
Lady Lunatic didn't care about additional casualties.  She wanted payback.

Open the hatch...drop the "U" bomb in 3,2,1...."Fine.  I won't call them.  You call them.  You call them or get the fuck out!"  Ultimatum number one is launched.

We went back and forth.  He practically begged me to reconsider, which of course, was not gonna happen.  (the analogy of monkeys flying out of my ass comes to mind.)  In mid-argument, I went from Lady Lunatic to Royal Bitch and there would be no surrender.  He started to pack.

I was brutal! "You'd rather leave your kids on Thanksgiving than tell your sisters what an asshole you are?  You'll pack up and walk out and leave your family to protect your big sisters from hearing about you fucking Jaymie?  I am not surprised."

It took a few more missiles like those before I brought him down.  He collapsed into the chair and said, "I'll do it.  I am actually so weak that I am letting you bully me into this.  I am giving in to your fucking ultimatum."
Victory!!  I did a little happy dance inside my head.  Which truly speaks to my mental state.  I love Richard's family.  The fact that I was joyful about thrusting them into our calamity sickens me now.

Richard called his older sister, Nancy, first.  He spilled his guts, hanging his head and weeping through it all.  Called his middle sister, Bobbi, next.  Same scenario.  Lots of sobbing and pathetic whimpering.

I didn't think it through.  I had no idea how they would react.  I mean, the only part I considered was that telling them would be a very serious, deep, gaping wound for Richard.  That was the primary objective.  To their credit, they didn't judge him, they were just severely pissed that he hadn't called them before!  Turns out, making those calls was the best thing he could have done.  Who knew there would be a silver lining to an ultimatum bomb drop?  They could not have been more supportive.  Not just to him, but to me and more importantly....to us, to saving US.

Announcement Time!

Gotta write a quickie post to share some very cool news!  
I heard about this from: Being a Beautiful Mess.

There's a new support board in town, Ladies!
Created by: I Have an Exciting Announcement!!! « If Happy Ever After Did Exist…

I'll tell you this... I am so bad at all this techie computer stuff!  I'm sure you've noticed I can't even publish pictures on my blog!  That's right...very lame!
So, if I can figure out how to navigate a site...it is a Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner success!

This is no small feat!  This is a big freakin' deal!  Let's get on board and support each other today and all the others that are sure to suffer the impact of infidelity after us.  Please check it out!

ANNOUNCING:  (wish I had an audio drum-roll!)   After The Betrayal

One more thing...thanks to all of you that read my ramblings.  Thanks to those of you that comment from time to time.  I have come to need you all in my life.  You have helped me so much more than I can express with mere words.  I lack the communication skills!
I would be so very grateful to help someone else in return.  I'm hopeful that by visiting this new board frequently, I may be able to do just that!

Hope & Hugs to you all!

Today's Debate

Whew!  I'm exhausted!  I've spent the lion's share of my day today in a lively debate with another blogger.  This other blogger also happens to be the Other Woman.  Not my Other Woman, just some other random blogging Other Woman.  Confused?  Give me a minute and I'll fill you in.

I received a happy little surprise comment today from  Being a Beautiful Mess.  She listed my little ol' blog as one of her choices for something called the Versatile Blogger Award.  Very unexpected and extremely appreciated.  I needed to catch up with her blog, so I clicked over and read her latest post.  Then, I perused her list of other Versatile Blog Award nominees.
This one caught my eye.   Being Her, (the other woman)… | Judged by all, loved by two.

I had seen the blog previously, but had not read much.  The earlier part was very tough to take.  This blogger was still very much in love with a very married betrayer.  She herself was married, but it didn't prevent her from falling for a man that already belonged to another.  That was only a few short months ago.  Currently, I believe, she and her betrayed spouse are well on the way to reconciliation.  Bravo!

I don't need to tell you her story, after all it is HER story to share.  Until today I had not commented on her blog as it felt as though she was writing only for herself, kind of a semi-private diary.  I get that, because that is how my blog began.

My attitude toward the blog changed today when I read a post, dated June 5, about the blog owner and her two most veracious and supportive readers, one a former wayward husband and one (surprise!) a betrayed wife.  This post made me think she might welcome comment from others in the midst of recovery.

Yea...not so much.

I was compelled to reply to a comment from the aforementioned wayward husband.  He wrote this singing the praises of the other favored reader, the betrayed wife, Wendy:

Not everyone sees Wendy as “the victim” — some see her as a “betrayed sell-out” because (*GASP*) she decided to forgive her husband and work to build a better relationship. To them, she’s a fool, a wimp, or something. Her character, integrity and decisions are very threatening to the crowd who use their victimhood as both power and shield. But you know what? She’s better off than 90% of them. Would you rather be her, or be one of these pathetic bloggers who are whining how they can’t “get over it” years and years later?

That isn't the comment that required a response.  But, it does tend to raise the blood pressure, does it not?  Lucky for me, I feel confident that I am far from pathetic or writing this blog to place my "victim" status on world wide display, so his arrogant prose didn't rattle me.

Until I read this:

the betrayed spouse must forgive, understand and move on too.

Well, that just did not work for me!  We MUST forgive?  We MUST move on?  He MUST mean we should just get over it already!  Right?
I think not.

So, I posted, the blogs owner replied and the dialog was on!  She claimed that there is always some blame for each spouse after an affair.  No way the betrayers would cheat if the marriage is happy.

Ladies??  Are you sure your man is happy?  Is he getting laid as much as he wants?  Are his meals hot when he gets home?  Is your hair done and your make-up fresh?  Are you truly aware of all of your man's needs, emotional and physical?  If not, he's probably gonna cheat.  I mean, why would he ever just come to you and tell you there was something he desired?  Honest, open communication??  Unheard of!

OK...Sorry.  Enough with the sarcasm.  That felt good, though.  I just had to let it out.  I worked so very hard to restrain it when writing my comments on her blog.  If you want to be taken seriously, you gotta reel in the snarky remarks.

Suffice it to say, we agreed to disagree after more than a few intense comments and responses.  Got a wicked little comment from the wayward husband, too!  Yikes!  I don't think he cares at all for my opinions!  Since I hit the reply button for the last time on her comments page, Wayward Husband called me a "shitty spouse".   He got a tad testy!  Must say...I didn't hate that.

Maybe I overstepped with my remarks.  Maybe I crossed some invisible Blogger etiquette line.  Or maybe, I just made a few solid points that hit too close to the truth.  I was standing up for the Sisterhood of Betrayed Wives!  We deserve more than...we probably had some blame in the deal.  We should just admit it and get over it.  That won't stand if I can help it.  Unfortunately, my words fell on cheating, lying, deaf ears.

I think she will be happy if I never visit her blog again.
Wonder if she'll be happy I shared it with all of you?