Spinning a Broken Record

I was out of people to alienate.  Involving others in my private pain got me no where fast.
I was out of ideas about how to make the pain go away.  Nothing had worked to date, that's for damn sure.
I was out of my mind.  My obsessive thinking was clearly taking over, obscuring any productive thoughts I may have had to repair my broken heart....that caused my broken brain...which lead to my broken record behavior....that sent me to live in the house in Crazy Town that Richard & Jaymie built.
Whoa....sometimes I cringe when I write this shit.  Seriously, this blog ain't always easy.

It was August, 2011.  Only one month left until the anti-versary of the day Richard finally got Jaymie naked in his office.  In my current condition, I feared, quite rightly so, the anti-versary might put me over the edge and land my dysfunctional ass in a padded room.

There was no forward motion of any kind in my perception of how to rebuild my life.  The only brainstorms I experienced at the time were the menacing kind, more feeble schemes that could get me access to Jaymie and what I viewed as my Holy Grail of recovery....the emails.  My conviction that Jaymie held the key to my redemption and relocation out of Crazy Town was steadfast.
I allowed the broken record of my broken mind to play on...I sent Jaymie this:

On Sept. 7th of last year you began an intimate relationship with my husband.  As that day approaches, I am drawn back into all the pain, anger and utter disbelief that I felt during the first months.  It's starting to boil over and I have no outlet.

I know from Sept. 7th until Oct. 12th, the day I found out, I will be obsessing about every detail of your time with him.  Not sure where that will lead, but I'm sure I'll find somewhere to vent. When that happens, I usually end up involving people that have no business getting hurt because of what you and Richard did.  Your parents, Kevin, Richard's family, my parents....why in the hell did they need to know about it all?  If I am ever going to move past this, I need to unload my aching heart onto you and Richard.  You both need to know the depth of my pain.  Maybe, just maybe, if I try to empty it on you, put it all on you and him, then I'll be capable of forgiveness.  I need that so desperately.

Please try to see that you owe me.  If you are truly as sorry for what you did to me as Kevin says you are, then you'll help me.  I'd be happy to meet in a therapist's office.  I just need to purge my emotions.  Don't care how we do it, phone, email or in person.  Yes, or no... just let me know you got this.  I need to know I reached you.  I don't want to have to go through others to communicate with you anymore.  

Sound familiar? By admitting I understood how meaningless involving others had been, at least I was beginning to narrow my scope of collateral damage.  Good for me, but a tad too late, huh?

Obsessive thinking is normal after DDay.  I didn't understand that it happens to people suffering Post Traumatic Stress.  The lovely Dr. K never mentioned that during our little chats.
Without the lovely Dr. K's help, I later learned that the broken record in my brain prevented me from dealing with the direct cause of my pain...Richard.  Maybe I can save some of you the mental health appointment co-pay.
Face the cheater that damaged you.  It's the only way to find your Road to Happy.

As I read my words to Jaymie in the email above, I was struck by the fact that I, at that time, had thought I needed to find forgiveness.  I wrote I was "desperate" for it.  That's another thing I learned without writing a check to the lovely Dr. K.  I'm fine without forgiveness.
I don't forgive Jaymie...Oh, Hell No!  And I don't forgive Richard.  I've accepted he is a good man that lived in his own personal Crazy Town for a while and then worked his ever-so apologetic butt off to save our marriage.
Good enough for me.

I wrote emails like this to Jaymie dozens of times.  Same counterproductive, ineffective, purposeless, good for nothing drivel...different day.  Geek Boy Kevin got more than his fair share and Daddy James, as well.  There is no rational explanation of why I thought I needed Jaymie back in my life.
I was the epitome of a broken record.
Talk to me Jaymie, Talk to me Jaymie, Talk to me Jaymie, Talk to me Jaymie......Fuck!

Why couldn't I throw that broken record away and begin playing the latest top 10 hit that all the cool people were listening to in Crazy Town:  Shawn Needs to Get a Grip!? 

The chorus of that under utilized ballad went something like this:
:::If you wanna start to heal
There's one thing you should know
To change the way you feel
You gotta let her go:::

Snappy lyrics but I couldn't dance to the tune, so I let the broken record, Talk to Me Jaymie, run on for another couple of months.  Richard watched me hit the repeat button over and over and over again.  He was much too afraid of losing me to try and stop me.  As a matter of fact, right before the first anti-versary of DDay, I talked him into spinning the broken record for me.

Need a Hug???

I know I haven't been posting as much as I used to.  It isn't because I'm tired of talking about the affair.  I gotta finish the story!  I'm no quitter.  I was tempted to bail when I started getting way too many nasty troll emails!  However, the fighter in me would never let them keep me from all of you.

I've been Crazy Busy!!  
(As opposed to just Crazy.  Nice change.) 


However...craziness be damned today!  
I had to take a minute to share:

It's National HUG Day!!

You all know how I feel about a good, old fashioned, nice and tight, comforting, caring, supportive, squeezolishous HUG!!
Just couldn't let the day go by with sending you a great, big ONE!!  

Hope and Hugs for all! 

***Real soon I'll get back to finishing the saga of my life after DDay.   In the next part of the tired tale I start grasping at nonexistent straws.  Hard to believe, but it got even more pathetic in Crazy Town!***

Be Happy

Happy New Year, my friends.
I've been avoiding my blog a bit.  I read all your comments, questions and emails, but the thought of writing my next post was not pleasing me.  When I type the words into the eBlogger templet and hit publish it's usually an easy process.  I know I want to finish the story of my time in Crazy Town.  I could never leave it hanging.

Since Christmas, I just haven't felt like rehashing it.  Telling my story has been an enormous part of my healing process, an extensive, lengthy piece of territory on my Road to Happy.  I don't intend to abandon this part of my journey.  I just needed a  little private time in a rest stop.

As of this morning, I'm still not quite ready to get back to Crazy Town.  I figured I'd be going another week or so without fresh thoughts worthy of sharing in cyberspace.

I changed my mind.  I find this message well worthy.

I frequently visit the Healing Heart message boards.  I have mentioned many times that the compassionate members of that forum saved me.  I don't use those words lightly.  I believe they truly saved me from myself by giving me hope, not to mention support without judgment, wise guidance, commiseration and empathy beyond measure.  If there is any way for me to pay that forward, I intend to do just that.
I go to the boards and I read.  Sometimes the pain shared by those who post is so palpable, it squeezes my nearly mended broken heart and I am compelled to reach out.  This morning was one of those times.  I responded to a betrayed spouse that was despairing.  She was distressed by being stuck in her melancholy life.
My response to her felt like the right words to jumpstart my blog and this New Year.

Infidelity crushes us. Healing is a long, hard fight. It ain't easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.

I didn't begin to heal for over a year after DDay. Then, I came to this safe haven and learned from others that truly understood my struggle, my pain, that I would be OK. I would be happy again. I could take back my happiness. Hearing the stories of betrayal survival gave me hope. Hope gave me strength.

Before then, I couldn't move forward because I was consumed by the pain of the past. Here's how I started my walk on the Road back to Happy:

I was obsessed with thoughts of the OW. I couldn't get her out of my head and therefore, I couldn't get her out of my life. I called the oppressive thoughts "brain worms". I imagined her with my FWH on the beach, in a casino hotel, in his car, in his office...you get the idea. My therapist suggested this little behavior modification mantra. She said when the brain worms take over repeat this until you find a place of peace.
"I do not need to think about this now. It will not help me to think about this now. I will NOT think about this now."

Too simple, right? Ridiculous! When my therapist suggested it to me, I rolled my eyes back so far I could see my own beat up brain! Much to my surprise, these few simple sentences felt like a shield. Not just a shield, also a weapon. It took some practice, but soon I was winning the war of the brain worms. I felt empowered! I was taking back some control of my life. I longed for something I had control over! For so many months, I had forgotten that I control ME! With this small bit of inspiration, I began to heal. It took another year for me to truly commit to my marriage. Now, I understand that I had to heal me before I could work to heal US.

We gotta own our happiness. We deserve to be happy. Infidelity has taken so much from us! It feels good to take something back.
The Road to Happy has many paths. All are unique and none are without multiple potholes and speed bumps. But, I believe that when we choose to take responsibility for our own happiness, we pick up the pace of the long marathon journey.

This blog post was easy to write and not just because most of it was "cut & paste".
We can take back our happiness.  No one else is gonna do it for us!  The concept is pure light, but when we are shrouded in the darkness of adultery, we have to force ourselves to make room for the light.  We have to truly believe that there is hope for happiness to return.

About a week ago, I was lying in bed with Richard.  We take time to cuddle in bed before we have to rush into our day.  Sometimes, quiet words of love are spoken.  On that particular day, for no particular reason, I said, "Be happy."
He hugged me soooo tight!  Seriously, almost cracked a rib!

Be Happy.  So simple, but not always easy.  For me, it's a daily choice.  The picture above is what I now see every morning in the garden window above the sink in my kitchen.
In my last post, my Christmas wish was if you are struggling with moving forward, if you are stuck in unlit, gloomy joylessness….fight it.
Be Happy.
That uncomplicated message brought me back to my blog.
It felt worth writing about.
I hope it was worth reading about.