Richard is Dead

Richard loves Jaymie, the Movie, consumed my thoughts first thing each morning as soon as I opened my eyes.   Most of my days started with tears seeping into my pillow.  Anticipation of struggling through another day of mental mayhem was so damn daunting.
Jaymie loves Richard, the Sequel, played in my head for hours when I would try to rest at night.  I'd say try to sleep, but that was never what I hoped for when I crawled, emotionally spent, into my bed.  If I was able to rest my body, my mind, my spirit for a few hours each night, I was so grateful.  Even with the mixture of sedatives and booze that I retreated to much too frequently, my thoughts of him with her had no intermission.

Broken.  I saw my marriage as broken.  Not just damaged or fractured, but shattered and beyond repair.  Richard swore it wasn't.  He never stopped loving me, but that was inconceivable.  The love he proclaimed to her was too massive, too all encompassing.  How could he have any left for me?  If he did love me, I believed it was a love of comfort, not passion.  I am mother to his children.  He has slept next to me for 30 years.  Through tough times and the happiest of days, we have shared it all.  His love for me was almost an obligation.  He desired her.  He wanted her.  The love he felt for her consumed him.

I had zero interest in sharing my husband affections with a 24 year old needy, bird brained bimbo.

Richard was no longer the man I married, not even close.  I kept telling him, "My husband is dead."  You might say that's a bit over the top, a tad too dramatic.  I beg to differ.  My life had done the proverbial 180.   My husband, the strong, dependable, levelheaded partner I could always count on had vanished.  Richard was dead.  The man that I saw through my swollen, blood-shot eyes was a stranger.

This stranger was a very determined son-of -a-bitch, completely resolved in his story that he never stopped loving me.  Come on!  How feasible is that??  I'd have to be as half-witted as Jaymie to buy that bullshit.

OK...enough.  You get it.  I wasn't buying the crap he was selling.  My theory was ever so much more plausible, logical and credible.  He loved her utterly.  He was just scared of giving up his safe life for what he ultimately yearned for.

Scheming, planning.... time to take the control of my life back.  My management skills and my take charge personality dictated my next questionable move.  I offered my deceased husband up to the female vulture.  A love that was as pure and beyond doubt as the emails testified, would not expire in 6 short weeks.  She could have her "perfect" man back.  I barely knew this bastard.

I sent this to Richard & Jaymie.  I thought I was being oh so rational!  At the time, it felt so liberating to just let my marriage go.  He had already gambled it all, I was just throwing the dice one more time.


As I have now had the opportunity to read some of the emails you two shared, I realize how important the written word is to you both.  I am hoping by opening this line of communication, we all can find some measure of hope or closure.  

Jaymie:  You may have already moved on.  Richard thinks that is the case.  If so, please accept my apology for intruding.  But, I believe very strongly that you can't love someone that much, that fast and just shut it off.  I read the letters.  I heard some of the voice mails.  I heard your voice when you told me that what you two shared was undeniable regardless of the limitations and that you never thought you would have to defend the love you shared.  I also read the email after I found out about you telling Richard that you were breaking up with him.  It said you were doing that MOSTLY because I was willing to work through all this and fight for our marriage.  That may no longer be true.  

This email gives my husband permission to explore what he might still be able to have with you in his life.  

Richard:  I know you're not happy about me sending this email, but because you love me and you want me to heal, you will try to understand why I'm writing it.  You finally admitted to me that you did indeed love Jaymie.  No more, it was never love.  No more, I was just searching for something or I was crazy.  You found it in your heart to admit the truth and I can not tell you how much that means to me.  Even though I always knew that you really did love her, because I know you so well, it felt liberating to hear you say it. You say you want nothing more than a small amount of hope that we can salvage what is left of our marriage, that I can find a way to forgive you.  I say I need you to leave so I can begin my new life.  Here in lies the rub.......

I can't be with you if there is ANY chance that you are still in love with Jaymie.  I deserve so much better than that.  I need you to be SURE that you are done with what you had with Jaymie, then I may be able to give you hope.  If, as the discussion evolves, you find your love for one another is still alive, then I want closure to give me resolve to deal with the end of our lives together.  

By sending this email to you both, my hope is that we can discuss our possible options, our happiest futures.  

If we are all honest with each other, maybe we can find the paths that will eventually lead us all to a better, happier place.  We may find hope that Richard & I will stay married, that we will be better than before and we will grow old together.  But, we may also discover that Richard desires a new path.   One that fills him up with joy in ways I could not.  This is where you come in, Jaymie.  You can shut down this open line by ignoring it or you can help me find my way.

Please, help me.

Shawn