My pain was overpowered by my Alien Anger.
I was diligent in noting each anti-versary just like I was recalling a sweet first kiss, a romantic first date or a proposal pleading eternal love.
This anti-versary roll call was almost morbid. Who commemorates deceit?
Surely warped. Totally masochistic.
Completely heartrending, perpetuating my misery, feeling so damn sorry for myself and what my life had become. For the true voyeur, here's a partial anti-versary roll call:
There was the first time Richard kissed Jaymie in his office.
The first time he kissed her in the elevator.
The first time he fucked her in his office.
The first salacious email.
The first trip to a hotel.
The first lies. The first time Richard told Jaymie he loved her.
The list was extensive and thorough. I wrapped myself up in each excruciating date for all of September and October. As I fixated on every tragic detail, the Alien grew.
Ugh....Aren't you sick my whining yet?? I know when I write sometimes I sound like I still feel sorry for myself. If that is what you read into my often lamentable words, let me remind you, assure you...I am no longer a victim. The Alien has been vanquished, but that doesn't mean I don't remember, with crystal clarity, what the Alien felt like and all the damage it caused. It does mean I am now at a place on my Road to Happy that has brought me understanding.
I understand that I am stronger than I ever imagined. Much more resilient than the Alien.
I tried to search back into the bowels of my computer and count the number of emails I mailed to Jaymie and Geek Boy Kevin during those two months. I dug up less than ten. It's a very safe bet that there were many more that have been deleted since the Alien left the building. The emails sent during this turbulent time were less laden with sorrow than charged with animosity.
Although I have forgiven myself for my Crazy Town behavior, I am still very regretful of the place in my soul that was tainted by the Alien and how I allowed it to be unleashed. I was very snide, sarcastic, spiteful and malicious. I sent them this on September 28th.
It's the anniversary of the middle of the mess from last year. You two should be able to remember all the good times just like Richard and I do. So, enjoy, discuss and maybe visit Barona together, rent a room (if you can afford one) and talk about cheating, lying and consequences.
Begin forwarded message:
show details Sep 8
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I'm assuming that you won't be getting this tonight.. I'm hoping this will be the first thing you see when you get into the office. Sitting in your chair. The chair that I straddled you on. And laughed as we fell to the floor. And then you directed me back to the couch...
I loved that you searched the couch for my earring on your knees, with your hands running along every crevice. And when you finally found my treasure you rejoiced. And still now it's hiding safe and secretly within your clothes. I love you. You love me the way I want to be loved... because you cherish every thing.
No one will ever accidentally touch you on the stomach. They may bump into your elbows, arms, back, knees, toes, legs, and even your head on occasion.. but the hips... and the stomach. When you touch me it's intentional. It has the weight of your fingertips pulling me in, or your body against me or your passion falling down and landing on my hips and my stomach. And I love it.There's much to say, but more time to say it later.I'm so glad you came.yours,Jaymie
My sorrow and suffering were well hidden by the Alien. There was no pretense of needing the rest of the emails to help me heal. I wanted only to rub their faces in what had been slowly eating me alive for a year. I was wretched.
There is no salvation to be found in vindictiveness. An eye for an eye is not available to betrayed spouses. Malevolence feeds the Alien. As I memorialized the two months of Anti-versaries, my Alien was extremely well nourished.
12 comments:
Shawn, we share similar antiversary schedules. September and October are filled with memorials for me. The first year I drank my way through them, the second year my husband sent me flowers and apologized for the death in my life, and I'm wondering how I will spend this year, the third anniversary. Do you feel it is important or necessary to memorialize them as a part if healing?
Michelle: Not at all. The lofty goal is to get to a place on your Road to Happy where the antiversaries pass without a thought. There is no benefit to living in the past with your pain. The hope is the passing of each year makes the lofty goal easier to attain.
Focus on NOW. If you truly wanna heal and reconcile, focus on what your WH is doing for you NOW. Not what the bastard did THEN.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Shawn:
It's interesting that when I read the emails from Jaymie to Richard, they don't seem to be the embodiment of romantic love. At least from my outside unbiased perspective.
The first thing that struck me as I read them was that they were all about sex.....nothing more.
Jaymie uses the word love, but the Emails don't sound like a real romantic love. They sound lustful.
The second thing that struck me is how immature they sounded.
Even the focus on the sexual aspects seems so immature.
It's as if Jaymie never experienced sex before and to her that was the main thrust (pardon the pun) of their relationship.
Emails between serious lovers in serious relationships, never seem to focus so heavily on the sexual union.
With real romantic love, the connection is more holistic in that the whole package of the person is what is the focus, not one part.
Although those emails were likely painful for you to read, in some respects they could be reframed as healing because to my mind they show that the focus was mainly on lust, not realistic love.
Lust can feel like love at the start.
BS: So right! When I first read them, I convinced myself they were soul mates! I only saw deep passion.
With the benefit of time and a shit ton of therapy, I can read the emails in the light of reality. Richard and Jaymie were relishing the fantasy. To perpetuate it, they told each other what they thought the other wanted to hear. Jaymie knew she could keep Richard enraptured with lots of hot sex, so she wrote about sex. Jaymie had just been dumped by her boyfriend. She was/is quite needy. Richard knew he could ensure she would continue to drop her drawers if she believed he really loved her. They began to believe the love because without it, how could they rationalize such lurid behavior?
I became as wrapped up in the fog of the affair as they had been. Too bad I didn't get smarter sooner, huh?
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Shawn,
I sense that this is becoming harder for you to talk about....and I understand. I'm two years out and I feel that things are becoming harder for me to talk about too. And, they were always hard for my husband to talk about. You wrote, "I wanted only to rub their faces in what had been slowly eating me alive for a year. I was wretched." I feel that I am in a phase of healing where there is no longer the nightly "couch time" talk where tears, hugs,compasssion and very intentional sex of our own are expressed. Now we are more back to a normal routine (with exception of sex which is purposefully more frequent than it had been before the affair...I mean, give me a fucking break...we had a year-long medical nightmare with our oldest son and a new baby at the time that he was feeling so "lonely" that he found her and her pathetic willingness appealing) with an infrequent need to share a trigger or something that is eating at me...but many times I too feel wretched....or more aptly, I fixate on how wretched he was when he was with her,and I sometimes want to remind him of it (in a nasty, vindictive kind of way, and usually after a drink which I do way more of these days). My husband continues to offer compassion, and deep regret for what he's done, which only comes up when I have one of my moments. But usually now my moment is one of anger that I have to try very hard to keep from bursting forth and running amuck (I too think the scene from Alien is appropriate here). Difference is that I direct it only at him, though I think about her ugly face more than my husband apparently does, which he says is never; he never wants to look back (and I want to believe him). I don't know her and will quite possibly never meet her, and I feel right now like she (and it) make less and less sense the farther removed we are from that time. In other words, I don't know that through all the healing, and the search for explanations that I feel satisfied with them, that I trust them. I have a queston for you though, as I think it would help me understand my husband's attitude (confident, secure about us, never thinks about it anymore, etc.) about it better. I ask because on many occassions in the past you have pointed out how similar our husbands sound, and I agree. It's clear what you think about those emails now.....seems that you once thought of them as deeply passionate, now see them as absurd and highschoolish as BS said. BTW, I agree with BS, and I see the emails (and poems) that way too. But, how does Richard see them, or did you ever need to ask? I do, but my husband really can't say much except to say that it was hyperbole, mushy, selfish, confused, not real, escape, what was expected, an attempt to justify bad decisions, flat out lies (he actually once said, "well, I was lying to you, why would you think I wouldn't also lie to her?) That sounds scary to me....he's not that guy now, never was before. How was it that he was then? None of this makes sense to me. I will be happy when I get to the point of trusting that the experience I am having with my husband is shared by him, and I can trust that all the good between us means the same to me that it does to him. Just rambling today.....
Anonymous: Richard and I rarely talk about Jaymie or the affair anymore. In the past we discussed the emails...obviously! I was obsessed with them!
Richard described his emotions as surreal. He truly cared for Jaymie. He had strong feelings for her.
The key is...the emotions weren't REAL. Love based on lies doesn't mean diddly squat! Richard gets that now, but in the fog...what he felt was what he NEEDED to feel to squash the guilt and continue getting his faltering ego boosted.
The affair was like a mind altering drug. Addictive and powerful.
Lucky for me, Richard was able to detox pretty quickly! Lies are necessary to cheaters. They lie to the OWs, they lie to us and they lie to themselves. It's the only way to keep feeding the fantasy.
Would it help you to make sense of it all if you realize that during an affair, cheaters are nothing but narcissistic, selfish pricks??
Knowing that helped me a lot!! LOL!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Hi Shawn,
Yeah, I think I realize that he was a narcissitic, selfish prick during that time. I guess, what I'm getting at now, is not how he thought then, and whether or not those feelings were real (we all know they were not), but how he feels NOW about it looking back. For some reason, I still feel a small need to "rub it in his face" as you said. Of course it's done in a much nicer guise of open, honest communication. But still, if I'm being honest with myself, I have a deep desire for him to reflect on these things (emails, texts, poems) as I have and say, to my face, "you know what, that was really fucking stupid. I want him to say it "didn't mean diddly squat." Sad thing is that he probably has many times now, in different ways. Why am I still needing that validation???? Or Why am I not hearing it?????
Oh my goodness, Shawn. This post could not possibly be more perfectly timed. I am so there. If you recall, my husband, just recently got pulled back in to all the personal talk, emotional stuff and dirty talking (thank god not the physical too). It's over, and he has told her again that he does not love her, that he never did, that he loves me and wants to be with me and our family, and he is busting his ass to be there for me and help heal our relationship. Nonetheless, between me having heard on the voice recorder him profess his love to her and all the posts she has been posting on Tumblr about how he will never be happy unless he is with her because they are madly in love and they are soulmates, blah, blah, blah, they pretty much have me caught in the affair fog too, thinking that surely she must be right. In fact, I spend 75% of my day thinking, wow, he should just go and be with her since they love each other so much. Those thoughts just make me feel crazier though because of course I love him and want everything to be ok again. I even offered him the perfect out. I offered to divorce him, give him all of the incriminating pictures and evidence I have, move to a smaller house, and ask for nothing but child support, but he said no way. He said that we are his life, that he wants to be with me and not with her. But I cannot move forward. I feel like I am the consolation prize, when he really wants her. He says that the words of love were nothing more than what he felt she wanted to hear in order for her to keep up all the dirty talk and dirty pictures, etc. he says he was using her. Probably true, but I just can't make myself feel like I am the one he loves, when he keeps risking us. He is trying so hard, but I can't seem to pull my head out of my ass long enough to even appreciate it. Maybe I'll wise up one of these days. A girl can hope, right?
D day for me was 1/1/2014. Happy f#cking New Year. I was on vacation with my 2 kids 18 and 13 when he dropped the bomb. the way he sounded each time I spoke to him over the phone that week; made me think he was seriously ill. He said he didn't come with us because he was feeling so tired, couldn't get off from work, and needed some alone time anyway. Turns out he flew the Skank 1200 miles up to our home town and put her up in a hotel so that they could be together. He met her on a business trip and he had the gall to do this on another business trip. They were together all of 10 days over less than 2 months and were sooooo in love that they were planning their new life together in another state where his company has an office where he could possibly work. In just those short 10 days, he managed to get us several thousand dollars further into debt. I tried 3 times to have him break up with her, but he kept going back.
Anyway, he couldn't cope with me finally telling him he needed to make up his mind between staying with me and the kids or going to hell with her. So he made a serious attempt to take his life on 2/15/2014. After 10 days in the Hospital and Psych Ward, he is home again saying that he is over the "batshit crazy" OW.
I walk on eggshells while he tries to get the help he needs. Keeping my pain and resentment under wraps. I have to postpone any kind of marriage counseling until he gets his feet on steadier ground. I'm seeing a counselor for me to help with crisis management, but I can't help but feel I am living someone else's life.
I didn't touch a drop of alcohol for the first 6 weeks. I wanted clarity of mind to deal with all that was going on, but the suicide attempt sent me running for the nearest liquor store.
I just found your blog and got to the Emotional Cutting post. That is exactly what it is. You hit the nail on the head. I look forward to reading more of your blog. I just wanted to tell you it is helping me. Thank you
(((Penny Cooper)))
I am more than sorry for your pain because you have not been able to grieve for the betrayal. You have been strong for your wayward husband and the rest of your family. That makes you one extraordinarily amazing woman. I admire your strength very much.
I am glad you have a counselor of your own, but I hope it isn't just for crisis management. I hope it is a place that lets you address your feelings regarding the affair as well as the suicide attempt.
Your husband must work to heal himself. You can't do the work for him. Please remember to take good care of you. This is a very long process. Healing can take years. Don't deny yourself the time you need to process it all.
We're here if you need us. I also highly recommend the Healing Heart message boards. The link is at the bottom of my blog. The people there have seen it all, heard it all and assisted all in affair recovery. It is a safe place to go.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Hello,
This past weekend (yesterday) was my 1 year-Anti-versary...I have been extremely on edge and downright beligerent to my husband. I am ashamed at myself, because I did everything from accuse him of still continuing with his former "girlfriend"(yuck!) to telling him to get his ass out of our home. One minute I was doing that, and the next I felt terrible and disappointed in myself for letting my sadness manifest itself into these temper tantrums. For the most part, he was pretty good about it, doing what our MC suggested. Other times, he snapped back at me and said that he was "done" with this shit-he wasn't going to keep putting up with my angry outbursts...That perhaps I need to see the couselor on my own because I am the one with the issues. Needless to say, that was probably the WORST thing he could've done...all in all, this weekend was awful. I do not want a divorce, but honestly, sometimes I feel like that would be the best thing for us...You wrote about the multiple ladies living within you, and I feel like I have the same thing going on. One minute, I am Royal Bitch, and the next, I am Humble Harriet, trying to make amends for my outbursts....Any advice you can throw my way would help... Thank you.
(((Tina))): I'm sorry it took me so long to reply. I have been away on business and from my computer.
It was the one year anti-versary mark that found me at my absolute lowest point, so far into Crazy Town that I was about to buy my own personal padded cell and move right in for the foreseeable future.
My advice is only worth a pewter nickel...but here it is... Go get your own therapist and maybe a shrink, too. You are probably suffering from PTSD. It takes a professional to bring some of us back from the trauma of DDay. I needed mood stabilizers as well as hours of therapy.
As you know, if you've read my story, I did not even BEGIN to heal until after the one year mark. Not even a little bit! At about 14 months after DDay, I started this blog. Dumping my pain on virtual paper was the starting line on my Road to Happy. Then, I found the Healing Heart message boards. They gave me the shove I needed. They held my hand as I learned to move forward. Please check out the wonderful members of that forum. The link is at the bottom of my blog.
Healing alone is too damn hard! Please let someone help you.
We will be here. You are not alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
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