I think I know what this particular straw was made of and why it sent Jaymie over the edge into Crazy Town territory. I mean...she had to be nuts to want to face me in court. Even if it meant getting me out of her low life for good, she had to know I was gonna let it fly. Daddy James and Geek Boy would never be able to look at her the same again.
So what was it? I had not contacted her in over two weeks. Why now?
The last straw may have been Sharon, Jaymie's ex-employer The job Richard got for Jaymie with Sharon was undoubtedly the best one she had ever scored. It was a bright star on an otherwise dim resume. When I asked Sharon to help me get Jaymie to talk, I was tipping the scales, adding one final stick of straw too many. Jaymie knew I'd tell anybody about my wayward husband and his baby whore to get what I wanted. Until now, none of those people might be detrimental to her future. That bright star in her work history was becoming overtly dark and smarmy.
I could be totally off base. Jaymie had been fired, so maybe she wasn't listing Sharon on future job applications at all. Sharon already knew about the affair. I mean, I did walk into her office shouting, "Did you know Richard was fucking Jaymie?" (That was quite a day! You can read all about that here: Manic Meltdown Part 2)
Truth is...who gives a damn? The last straw may have been named Daddy or Kevin or Sharon or maybe just Jaymie is sick of Shawn's shit. Regardless, the straw was not to be denied.
Jaymie got no satisfaction from the call made to me by the sheriff on 11/11/11 but even though I had not tried to contact her since October, the following week, on 11/18, she filed a restraining order against me. I didn't know about it until after I started this blog on 12/01/11. I guess they were a little back logged at the Sheriff's department. Not a lot of available staff to drive around delivering paperwork for restraining orders based on bull-puckey written by a dip-shit that thought sleeping with a married man nearly three times her age was a good career move.
My timing has never been great. Just as I had decided to move on, to find a way to heal myself, Jaymie was stamping her foot and was getting ready to rumble. Ironic, right??
I start writing. Putting my pain into words on a computer screen in hopes of discovering the beginning of my Road to Happy.
Less than a week after I started typing my story, I found The Healing Heart. The blog was a good first step. The members of the Healing Heart message boards were a giant leap.
A couple of days after that, Richard gets a call from Sharon.
Jaymie was kind enough to call and let Sharon know about the restraining order. Again, not sure why she decided to keep Sharon in the lurid loop. If I had to surmise, I'd say she wanted very badly to make me out to be the evil bitch in all this. She was playing the poor innocent young girl taken advantage of by a filthy old perv and then terrorized by his wicked wife.
Whatever her motives, it served me well. I knew about the restraining order before I ever got served publicly.
I wasn't dreaming about getting served the subpoena at my store. My business partner, Nikki, knew all about my time in Crazy Town, but it wouldn't be fair to her to bring it to our place of business. Nor was I enthusiastic about the Sheriff showing up at my house with the paperwork demanding my appearance in front of a judge. The thought of my kids answering the door wanting to know what Mommy did to require a visit from law enforcement was very unappealing.
No prob. As soon as Richard got the call from Sharon, I drove straight to the court house and served myself! So simple. I wasn't hiding from this.
Even though I had made great strides to find a new road to recovery that didn't involve Jaymie, I was more than ready to hang a U-turn on the Road to Happy I was just beginning to discover.
The last straw that broke Jaymie's back set in motion the opportunity I had wanted for so long.
I was gonna throw dirty straw all over the courtroom!
So much for finding my Road to Happy just yet.
29 comments:
Hey Shawn just curious. During all your time in Crazy Town, what was Richard doing and saying? Was he just letting it all happen or trying to argue for the case of let it drop?
I can't imagine my H just standing by and watching me torture myself and possibly getting taken to jail! People get taken to jail for many crazy reasons. Heck in my town some poor gal was taken into jail because he dog got out without his leash! So I'm just sayin, my husband would have been frantic and certainly sleeping with one eye open. Did you know at the time that he could have retrieved all the emails from his own computer? There's all kinds of software out there that retrieves deleted documents. Surely you husband being an attorney knows that?
On my 1st d-day of the 2nd affair my husband had, I spoke with the OW on the phone. She claimed that she did not know he was married. They had met online. He created a fake profile that left out the tiny little detail that he was married. In my shocked and delusional state, I actually apologized to this woman for my husband's aboherent behavior. She and I actually formed a sick alliance if you will because this man was duping both of us. I asked her to meet me in person so we could sit down like adults and discuss the situation at hand. She declinded. I offered to meet her half way between her house and mine( she lives about 40 minutes away). She declined. Since that time, my husband and I have been in counseling (d-day was March 16th 2013). Had a second d-day with this same woman in October 2013. She flipped her shit. started calling our home phone. I offered to meet her anywhere she wanted in person, she declined. She called my house again in February of this year, I offered to meet her in person ANYWHERE SHE CHOSE, yep, you guessed it, she declined. It drove me nuts. I wanted a face to face showdown with this woman. She was not letting it happen. I know where she lives and works and to be honest, I often fantasize about "running" into her around that part of town. It boggles my my mind that she just couldn't face me. She had balls enough to keep coming after my husband even after she found out he was married. I cannot understand why she won't face me. Even now,as we continue our weekly MC sessions and my husband swears up and down he is not in contact with her, I cannot shake the need to meet with her in person and let loose. Ahhh, a girl can dream can't she? :)
Shawn:
It was odd that Jaymie called the women who hired her about the restraining order.
I guess she needed attention.
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Trying hard:
It is NOT always possible to retrieve deleted emails. It depends on a lot of things.
If it was a web based email, it's nigh impossible to retrieve them with various programs once they are deleted from trash.
A court order can be issued to retrieve them from say yahoo or google or another web based email's servers, but there has to be a more compelling reason than an affair. .......perhaps terrorism, or murder or something else that puts another life in danger.
An affair is not illegal in the majority of states and even in the few states where it is still a criminal act, it is rarely prosecuted as such.
So, web based email providers will only comply with request associated with very serious illegal activity.
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Tina:
After Reading your email, I have to wonder if she actually thought he was single.
Hmmmm, sounds like a way to absolve her own guilt.
When I was single it was fairly easy to determine if a guy was married. My friends and I often discussed it.
Some methods included: Call his office, ask to visit his home, ask to meet his parents....talk to co-workers.
It's even far easier today with computer searches to discern a married man.
The OW in my husband's affair, also occassionally calls, and is often lurking in our neighborhood.
My MC asked my husband to set aside a detective fund for me to use to check, when I felt suspicious.
Also, she asked him to agree to a lie detector test, whenever I asked.
He agreed to both. That helps.
In the early days of the creepy OW's stalkig, I used both methods a few times.
He was always telling the truth. She was just hanging around. Either trying to create strife between us or trying to rekindle.
The detective fund and lie detector agreements are the only way for the betrayed spouse to feel safe, and to know they are not still being deceived and humiliated.
Can you ask your MC to ask your spouse to agree to those things?
Shirley Glass also talks about these types of agreements in her book, "not just friends".
So maybe if you highlight those sections and show it to your MC, she will agree.
The OW in our situation said she didn't know he was married either! I have had weird moments of compassion for her but I snap out of it really quick! In the beginning she may not have known. 6 years in? Never meeting anyone in his family, or from work, never spending holidays together? Didn't know? Ha!! If she didn't, she is the dumbest person on the planet and she is not that! Uggg hate her. Shawn saved me from crazy town stalking her but dang, part of me just wants to make her life miserable! Victim, my ass!!
I have all my husbands passwords and access to anything electronic anytime I want. This has brought a definite level of accountability but you know, those fears still exist-is he talking to her, seeing her? If he is, he deserves a freaking academy award and has got to be in his own crazy town that I want know part of ever again. I honestly pray he will be found out quickly if this is the case. I think I might honestly die if I have to face this ever again.
i have often wondered also how naive and stupid she could have been to actually believe he was single. She had him over to her home multiple times, though never once was she invited to his. He made up a fake last name. I told him that if I were single and dating, especially as a mother, the FIRST THING I would do is google the guy. I tried googling the name he and she told me he used, and nothing came up. That would be suspicious to me. Also, he could only visit her on certain days and at certain times. That would raise another red flag. I will give her the grace that perhaps she had red flags(as I did) and chose to ignore them(as I did) because she was " In Love" (gag) with him. I really don't know what to believe anymore, but to be honest, I have made my mind up that if she contacts me again, I am divorcing him. If he really told her what he says he did IE: I want to work on my marriage and I love my wife, she wouldn't continue. I am done.
People are stupid. People believe because they want to believe. Truth is the OW didn't care he was or wasn't married. DO NOT believe a word from their mouths. Do not waste your time trying to get any valuable or pertinent info from them. Do not waste your time trying to make sense of nonsense. There are no answers. Most of these OW are clueless.
No you won't die because you are getting smarter and stronger everyday. Something else comes up you will turn your back, flip that shit the bird, and move on. None of us will ever sink to those original depths again.
BS
If those emails are on the hard drive she can get them. Deleted or not. I'm not talking about server email but if it ever lived on her hard drive you can take that computer in and get every piece of data. After a while it gets replaced but it can be done early on. I've done it :)
Tina:
My husband told the OW in no uncertain terms that he was not interested in further contact, yet she continues to attempt it, in roundabout indirect ways. Ways that can't get her in trouble.
He even had an attorney send a no contact letter.
I occassionally lurk on OW forums, to understand their mind set, and it seems that a lot of these OWs have their egos tied up in needing to believe that they were not just and easy eff to their OM.
If you read the comments at these forums, many OWs insist the the OM loved them more than the wife, and insist on it even after the OM is loooooog gone.
It's part of their delusional mindset.
Some OW, may want to stay married to their spouse an are only interested in extra-curricular sex, like the men.
Still, according to my MC, a majority of OWs cheat because they are looking for a way out of an unhappy marriage.
Trying Hard:
Yes, exactly, I agree. If a computer or client based email was used, it is on the specific computer's hard drive, and you can retrieve them, with the right programs.
But if it has been overwritten too many time, you need and expert. Most software programs sold online will not do the job, without the skill to use it.
The web based email is stored in the "cloud" on the server of the email provider, until the trash is deleted by the email user.
I somehow doubt that Richard, being an attorney was unaware of that pitfall, but I could be wrong.
The only way a web-based email would be saved on a user's personal hard drive, is if the user manually saved it by manually transferring it to some place on their computer's hard drive.
I don't believe Richard would be so Naive as to do that.
Here below is an explanation taken from google search:
What is Web-Based email?
Web-based email allows you to manage your email via a web browser. The interface is implemented as a Web site that provides access to the various functions like reading, sending or organizing messages. Email isn't downloaded to your computer but instead is left on the mail server until you delete it.
St. Edward's web mail system is called WebMail (stedwards.edu) and works like other common web mail systems such as Yahoo!, Hotmail, MSN, and GMail. You can only read and write mail when you are online and logged into your web mail account.
Advantages and Disadvantages
An advantage to client-based mail is you can store as much email on your computer as you want and save it for as long as you would like. The only limit is the size of your hard drive, and today's multi-gigabyte systems can hold almost limitless amounts.
Another advantage is being able to read, write and reply to email while you are off-line. A disadvantage to Client-based is accessibility; you can only check your email from a computer that has an email-client configured for your account.
Tina: You said, " I really don't know what to believe anymore, but to be honest, I have made my mind up that if she contacts me again, I am divorcing him. If he really told her what he says he did IE: I want to work on my marriage and I love my wife, she wouldn't continue. I am done."
I hear you. I get it. You're wearing the Toughie Pants. Can I just offer this food for thought?
Holding your WH accountable for what the OW might do could be a recipe for failure. He could tell her to drop dead, eff off and go straight to hell...she still might show up at your front door just to throw you off base.
She would love it if her actions sent him packing. She'll be hoping he walks out your door and then runs right to her.
Jaymie begged Richard to stay with her the first night I found out. I threw Richard out and he went to her!! WTF?? Granted, he came home the next day and never saw her again. (unless I forced the issue in Crazy Town) But...he did go to her.
Please consider the possibility. Base your decisions on what your WH is doing for you NOW.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
BS: You said, "It was odd that Jaymie called the women who hired her about the restraining order."
Not really. I asked Sharon to intervene on my behalf. I put her into the messed up mix. I think she was walking a very thin line trying to please me and not piss off Jaymie.
Looking back, I think she may have even felt sorry for Jaymie. She offered poor put-upon Jaymie a bit of support. It may have been a ruse to get me what I wanted, but it may have been sincere. I'll never know. Don't really give a shit.
They spoke more than once after I initiated the first contact, so the call after the filing wasn't a big deal. It did come in handy, though!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
TryingHard: You asked, "Hey Shawn just curious. During all your time in Crazy Town, what was Richard doing and saying? Was he just letting it all happen or trying to argue for the case of let it drop?"
That, my friend, is a very good question!!
The answer really requires more space than the comments allow.
I'll tell you this...His most frequent response to all my Crazy Town antics was something like, "I don't care who you tell about what I did. I don't care what you need to do to move on. I did this. I caused this and I will be sorry forever."
From time to time he would make feeble attempts to reel me in but he was so shit scared that he'd just piss me off more, he always went back to, "I'm in this for the long haul. I want our marriage to be happy again."
Why it took me so damn long to see how hard he was working to heal our marriage is a testament to how screwed up I was after DDay. I didn't need to stay in Crazy Town for as long as I did because Ricard always had the key to let me out.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Shawn
I get it, I get you, I get richard. But that's nothing for either one of us to brag about. I like you have been a force not to be reckoned with :) Thanks for answering.
I think your trip through Crazy Town was also a test for Richard to see if he had the fortitude to stick with you through that whole very testing shit show. Bravo for him. A lot of men would have run for the hills.
Ok here's anther question. Had I been Jamie after all the crazy torture I would have given you the emails just to torture you. I would have said ok bitch you want to see the evidence, here it is!!! I would have flaunted his tacky soulmate schmoopy love letters in your face. What the hell was she thinking to NOT GIVE THEM TO YOU? What did she have to gain or lose by not giving them to you?
I don't get this chick. She's either a colossal chicken shit or the dumbest person in the world! I would have thought one of her esteemed mentors would have said " give that crazy bitch the emails!"
So glad you snapped the hell out of it and realized where the true path to healing lay.
TryingHard: I never really understood why she wouldn't give them to me either. If she didn't want me to read her emails to him, she could have at least sent me the ones Richard wrote to her.
Now I know there was nothing in those emails that would have been helpful to my recovery. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. Everything I needed to know (or THOUGHT I needed to know) would come from Richard.
In hind sight...Jaymie did me a solid favor by ignoring me. Whatever the reason she withheld the emails, chicken-shit, dumb ass or quite clever....it worked out for me.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Shawn
I agree. She did do you a favor by not giving them to you. You are right there is nothing of any value to you that she could have offered up. They really are persona non gratta and the sooner the BS realizes that the faster they are to healing and moving forward.
Can't wait for you to finish up the story of Crazy Town and how you must have had some kind of epiphany and let it go. Will love to hear when you finally reached that AHA moment and eschewed your quest for emails and turned to Richard to realize where the true meaning of your "Road to Happy" would come from.
You do a great job on this blog!
There probably was no straw, either her dad pushed for a restraining order or she heard the old saying "he who calls the cops first wins."
I have two brothers & a dad in law enforcement so I've heard that quote my whole life when hearing about domestic disputes such as these.
Maybe her holding out on the emails & the restraining order was her final "ha ha can't touch this" chess move. I think Jaymie's fog for Richard cleared quickly since she moved on to a new guy so fast, which is a good thing. Last thing you need a your pet bunny boiled.
To TryingHard & other women claiming the OW are clueless. It's not that they are necessarily clueless, but a lot of these waywards are spoon feeding these ow's future fake flavored ice cream & they are eating it up. The lies are unreal sometimes. My aunt has two degrees from an Ivy League school yet she got caught up in affair where she was promised the moon & the stars. When he wasn't living up to those promises, she bolted. Very smart woman, but yeah puppy love sure does make you clueless sometimes. Let's not forget where we need to place blame ladies. Your ever so loyal hubbies *cough cough*
Hey Shawn,
I've been absent a while but glad to see you are making progress. One quick random question. Did Richard tell Jaymie about his other affairs in his past? Or did he have her thinking she was his 1st?
Thanx & hugs of course
Sarah
Robert, My comment about being clueless was not a broad brush stroke putting all these women in the same light. Many are very book educated. Many do believe the Spoon fed" lies. NO my husband is no innocent by any stretch of any kind of illusion on my part. Never claimed he was innocent and that is a different subject that if were being discussed I would add a lot to.
The discussion is about the facilator or the OW in this case.
I still believe they are totally clueless about the married men with whom they willing chose to hook up. They know nothing about what's going on in the marriage or the relationship. They chose to believe what they are being "spoon fed" and that in my book sir makes them clueless. Ivy League education or not. Cough, cough!!!
Robert after thinking about your comment my question to you is, in your very well educated aunts case, how does a woman so educated in area of statistics and psychology get so bamboozled by the lies of not one but two married me? Surly she knew the odds of him leaving his wife and going with her? Surly she knew that men who lie to their wives would undoubtedly lie to her? Why would she choose to hook up with such a low lode? She didn't need him to raise her status in life. She has two Ivy League degrees. I don't get it. I find it even sadder when obviously successful women like your aunt willingly choose such a self destructive lifestyle. Oh well each one to their own taste said the woman who kissed the cow!!!
We all know where the blame belongs, Roberta. I don't think I've seen a BS put all the blame on the OW. At most, maybe 50/50 (or 100/100? I guess it depends on the details of the situation and how you look at it.) If an OW/OM truly did not know the other person was married, then they get a pass from me- as long as they fully step away from the situation as soon as they become aware of it. However (a) I don't believe that the vast majority of them are unaware of the marriage, and (b) you'd have to be pretty darn clueless not to figure it out eventually, "puppy love" or not.
Btw, I've met plenty of people with impressive degrees who had very little common sense. It happens.
Please, please, PLEASE turn your blog into a screen play and have it turned into a miniseries that you narrate
Kate
Great point. Do these defenders honestly believe that we are all nit wits who think our husbands are innocents? No, they are 100% culpable but they did not carry on the affair by themselves! Trust me no defender could call my husband any worse names than I did, say any more vicious things about their behavior than I did.
But if this Aunty were so smart why did she even start a relationship with a married man? Any truly intelligent woman who had any self worth would have said "listen pal, you're married. Get a divorce and call me then. I'm worth more than being kept under wraps and in secret as your tacky concubine".
Maybe she's not that smart at all. Maybe she graduated in the bottom half of her Ivy League class. She should ask for a refund. If she allowed herself to be used for some mans tacky ego boost, educated or not she's still pretty clueless as to how the world really works.
I hope Robert has some better deserving family members he can hold in high esteem and not just Aunty Clueless.
@ Kate M.-
I agree 100%. In my case, the OW and my husband both told me that she had no idea he was married. She found out on DDay. I was ready to give her a pass. I told her as much. I actually apologized to her because she had been duped, just like me. At first, she told me she was sorry and that she was going to walk away. Except she didn't. She stayed involved. I don't care what crap my husband was spewing at her(I don't love my wife, I am with her only for financial reasons, our daughter, whatever), she should have ran for the hills. And I told her as much. It boggled my mind that she would continue to believe anything he was telling her. The best(or worse) part of this, is that she is a BS, also. She divorced her husband of 17 years because she couldn't forgive him for cheating. So, she knows how it feels. Make no mistake, I know that my husband is the one who broke vows to me-I know that my anger should be (and is) at him. And I told her that, also. I never expressed anger at her. HOWEVER, I know that if I was involved with a man and I found out he lied to me (over anything), but especially about being married, I would run so fast in the other direction, he would have no time to "explain".
Roberta:
I don't think the average OW is clueless, I think they are more likely delusional.
I have been lurking on support forums for OWs and I don't need a degree in psychology to see, that clearly the men have told these women, in many direct and indirect ways that they are staying married, based on the OWs own comments about what the married man said.
More likely what happens is that the man might get carried away with the fantasy and may at times say he loves the women. Probably in response to her saying it.
It is still a fantasy.
These OWs on the forums also are very competitive with the wives. It's really sad to see.
Some are still insisting long after the Married man has dumped them that he loves them.
They make remarks stating that I know my Married man loves me more than his wife, but he's just staying because it's cheaper to keep her.
It's simply delusional. No one stays married if they are miserable.
People have affairs because they are looking for ego strokes or supplemental sex.
The men realize it's a fantasy, the OWs, however, start to believe it's real or they want to believe it's really to boost their low self-esteem.
What intelligent savvy, attractive women with a sense of self worth would even bother dating a married man, if they want more than an affair?????
The problem for the OWs is that the men compartmentalized better than the OWs. An intelligent well read women would know that.
For the men, when it's over it's over and they often feel that the OW bamboozled them by claiming to initially only want an affair, and then later wanting more.
Do any of you believe that some OW are just in it for sex?
My WS claims that he thought his OW was just into "strings free sex" and he believed her because she had had flings with 2 other guys at the office. He thought that made her "safe". She pursued him (not his word.. from others I know at the office) and then when he tried to end it she went all crazy on him.
He claims that they never talked about their spouses.. that was off limits. They never went "out"... just met at the hotel once or twice a month for "lunch". Not that it makes me feel better but he basically saw her as a prostitute and as another reader said "supplemental sex and an ego boost".
We are 20 months from DDay and just this weekend separated for a trail period. He has tried so hard to help me recover but I just can't forgive him. Every time we have sex I wonder if he did this or that with her. We are in MC and IC but I am not getting better...still terrible triggers. He no longer works at the same company and is totally transparent but it is just not enough for me.
His betrayal is something I am not sure I can overcome, especially because it was so meaningless to him. I almost think it would be easier if he thought he was in love with her. Then at least I might could understand, but to think he ruined our almost 20 year marriage for "just sex" is inconceivable to me.
Am I wrong?
Truer words were never spoken.
BS: I want you to know that I just noticed a comment from you in my spam file. Weird. I hit the "not spam" button and then your comment vanished. Don't know if it was published or lost. So sorry! You think I'd be better at this computer crappolla by now! Sorry, my friend!
Hope, Hugs and apologies, Shawn
Somehow part of my last comment disappeared. I was referring to TryingHard's "THIS SHIT SHOW IS NOT FOR SISSIES!!"
Amen, Sister.
Shawn:
Not to worry. When I hit submit for that post, a message appeared saying the reply was too long.
I decided not to rewrite it because it also disappeared form my screen.
So, perhaps that is why it disappeared when you hit the not spam button.
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To anonymous, a BS who is saying she is having trouble getting over it.
I agree with "trying hard's" entire post.
If you dig deep and find he is not worth keeping, under any circumstance, than maybe it's a deal breaker for you, and perhaps it should be.
Look for other redeeming qualities. Your husband does seem remorseful.
There are many many men who are tempted into having an affair by a women claiming to only want an affair, and then when the poop hits the fan, they realize how moronic they were to take the bait and to risk their marriages over sex.
I think no matter the reason, when an affair is discovered it is painful for the faithful spouse.
Men can definitely compartmentalize sex and love better than women. Studies support this.
IMO, if your hubby has other redeeming qualities, in five years you will most likely be happy that you gave him a second chance.
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