What to do? What to do? I really don't wanna make a mountain out of ant hill, but I'm pissed because I was publicly dissed! I guess I should tell you right up front that this has nothing to do with Richard. He's pissed about this burr in my bootie, as well. Although, he cusses about it much less. Who is the target of my infamous wrath today?
THE WEBMASTER of Surviving Infidelity.
In my last post I told you that someone had started a thread on SI about my blog. It raised the number of page views here on my sordid story substantially. After I commented on that thread, it was locked by the board moderators. I didn't really know why at the time.
Got an email from a moderator because I had asked for help figuring out why my post showed up on the thread as Robin***?? Don't know Robin and I apologize for accidentally hijacking her username.
The moderator was most helpful. She worked to correct the cyber snafu, suggested I re-register. She then explained to me that promoting my blog was not allowed on their site.
No sweat. It's not like I'm looking to raise the advertising revenue on my homepage.
I posted a few more times after I re-registered as Shawnthewife. That's what I thought my username was three years ago when I checked out the site the first time, a year after DDay, when I finally figured out I might find help healing online. It was right about when I started this blog.
Turns out, back then I registered as Betrayed Blogger.
Quite catchy and memorable, right??
Not so much. I had no clue.
I can't remember what I had for breakfast by lunch on most days. Who in the hell remembers usernames from three years ago??
Anyway...I posted a few more times. Thought maybe I'd give SI another shot. I hadn't liked it back then. Too big. Too impersonal. Too crowded! The Healing Heart was a much better fit. Not always a lot of action, but when you need the select few that have been on that board for years, they will never let you down. You get to know the pain laden souls that pass through pretty well. We become like family after just a few exchanges. I'd sing the praises of that fabulous forum further, but I digress.
In a few subsequent posts on SI that day, I did mention my blog, not in every post, maybe half. I never gave the name and I certainly never posted a link. Here's where the trouble started...
The person that originally started the thread about my blog, started another thread asking why the first had been locked?? She posted:
Does anyone know why my post about a blog was locked and want that even means? I think I have become the rebel of SI. Me, a Midwestern housewife.
And after a few other responses I wrote this:
After several emails with SI administrators, I think I know.
It was a couple of things. First, I had that weird log in issue. When I commented in your thread about my blog, it showed up as Robin somebody. That little SNAFU had to be checked out by the web master.
Plus...I was chastised not to promote my blog on this forum, which I never intended to do. I mean, I haven't for 3 years. Why start now? I think when you posted a link to my blog they took that down pronto.
So...it was locked due to concern of possible blog promotion and technical web site buggery.
Anyway...I think that's what happened. Either way, I'm really glad you posted because that post brought me back here. Lots of amazing, constructive, compassionate conversations happen here.
I still have much to learn about life after an A.
And then we hear from The Webmaster, AKA - Mangledheart. She didn't care for my comment one little bit:
First, I've read the exchange you had with the Administrator and you were not "chastised" in the least. The Administrator simply stated that this site was not to be used to promote your blog. Which by posting about your blog again you are clearly doing.
Second, I researched the records last night and your shawnthewife profile was originally rejected because you already had another profile at the time. You then apparently had someone register on your behalf a few days later using the name Robin*** which was approved. That is the profile you activated which is why it was attached to your post the other night on the thread C***e is referring to.
OK...I used flowery verbiage. Maybe chastised was the wrong word so I apologized to her, via a very nice and professional email, you can read it below, saying just that. I also asked why she accused me of misrepresenting myself and having someone register on my behalf?
I mean...WTF?? Who would do that and why?? SI isn't Homeland Security, for craps sake! In the email, I told her I wanted a public apology because she just slandered me. I hadn't done a thing wrong expect maybe express myself in too colorful a manner and reach out to some new recovering betrayed spouses. I sure as hell never "had anyone register on my behalf".
She obviously thought me deceitful enough to block me for 24 hours from SI. So, I wrote the moderator that had helped me reregister and asked why I was blocked? Could they please clarify the rules about "promoting my blog" and I included the link I used to access the forum that had the weird Robin username. They had asked me for it so of course I sent it. I wanted to help figure out the problem.
Hell, I was the one that brought the weird username to their attention to begin with!! Why would I do that if I was trying to sneak around or promote my blog secretly or I just have no life and like to make shit up!! UGH! So stupid!!
The moderator must have sent my questions to the Crazed Web Master and it was ON!
When I received her first email, I had to step back, regroup and count to 50. I instantly came down with Tourette's Syndrome! Luckily, only my dogs where home to witness it. I wanted to type something like - Bitch, you Crazy!- and hit send.
She had broken down every line of my email, twisting the words to suit her attitude! That email was quite extensive, so I won't copy it here, but she made her point quite clear. She thinks I am a big, fat fucking liar looking to lure poor betrayed spouses. She used nicer words, like blatantly false statements, but her opinion of me was woefully apparent...big, fat fucking liar.
Instead of sending the Crazy Bitch remark email, I took a deep breath and paused to regain composure. More flies with honey and all that. I replied with this:
MH; Sorry to bother you as I realize you are probably a volunteer, but I hope we can discuss this misunderstanding further. You publicly accused me of misrepresenting myself on the thread to all the members. This is slanderous diatribe. I never re-registered under a false name NOR did I have anyone do that for me. I merely forgot I had registered previously under betrayed blogger. That was years ago. If you believed there was major policy violations taking place you could have locked the thread or removed it completely. Instead, you chose to “chastise” me on a public thread on your forum, blatantly questioning my honest intent.
I truly do not want this to go any further. I am willing to let it go, but I deserve a public apology for your false statement regarding my integrity.
Oh..and about the word “chastised”….. I guess I’ll have to ask for your forgiveness for my flowery vocabulary as I never meant it to sound derogatory. If you google the definition you’ll see…yes it can mean "criticized severely" but it can also mean "to restrain or refine”.
Please remember, I came to the admin volunteers first asking for help re: the Robin username. Why on earth would I do that if I was being subversive?
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Thank you for your time,
Shawn, the wife
After receiving the following reply, I began to understand that this volunteer must have some kind of Napoleonic persona and lots of time on her hands. She sent me this:
Above is the Google listed definition of chastise. This is an obvious attempt by you to misrepresent what you intended with that post. Anybody reading that post would have interpreted it as derogatory. Chastise was archaically defined as restrain or refine. Even the example you stated “criticized severely” is the second entry of the definition on Dictionary.com. The first entry is “to discipline, especially by corporal punishment.”
By using that term you misrepresented your conversation with the Administrator. You also lied regarding remembering the BetrayedBlogger profile. Our server logs show the last activity on that profile was 2/11/2014 which was the same day you registered and were rejected as shawnthewife.
I stand by my statements. It doesn’t matter whether you registered the profile Robin*** or someone else did it on your behalf. You clearly activated the profile Robin*** which means you possessed the activation notice containing the activation link. The server logs make that very clear. This is not “buggery” as you also falsely stated.
We deal with violations on our forums as we see fit. I chose to address you publically with the support of staff because you lied about your conversation with the Administrator. You also once again chose to talk about your blog and suggested our software was bugged and that caused you to post as robin***. I will not allow your false accusations to stand unopposed on the website we have voluntarily operated for 12 years.
You can see where this is going, right?? No where fast...that's where.
This Power Crazed volunteer Web Master was right about one thing. I did try to sign onto SI back in February, 2014. I had forgotten that. (Shocker.) But, with my memory rebooted, I recalled that I had asked for help signing in back then because I couldn't remember my password or username. In response to that request, the moderator sent me a link....The weird Robin one that I used this time. I never used it then. I guess my momentary interest in visiting SI passed rather quickly. But I had saved the link so I used it this time around. Are you able to understand any of this cluster fuck??
Truth...I have no clue what happened. On the thread, I called it "buggery". The Crazed Web Master didn't like that either. My creative vocabulary was flagrantly misused according to her book of posting rules.
Damn! She would hate my blog!! LOL!
If you have read this far...thanks. I'm am sure most will have lost interest way before now.
Here was my last email to the Crazed Web Master:
Your vehemence is astounding! I have no idea why you insist my intentions were to besmirch your volunteers! Or, why you refuse to believe that I never intended to activate a profile that wasn't mine. I only used the link that was emailed to me.
I really don't want to make your job difficult, but I can't allow you to slander me publicly. I did not lie, not once.
Perhaps it is best if you and I do not continue our discussion. If you have a superior at SI, I would like to address them before I seek legal recourse. Please forward our correspondence to the person that I should be addressing.
I am truly sorry you have chosen to assume the worst in the situation. This is a mountain made out of a pathetic mole hill.
I will expect to hear from someone in authority by next week or I will contact an attorney.
Once again, I thank you for your time. I only regret it was not more productive.
Shawn, the wife
Haven't heard a peep from her.
Richard thinks I should call an attorney. Actually, he already did. I just have to follow up. Richard says it's not so much slander as liable because it was a false accusation in written form.
I think I have bigger fish to fry. I mean laundry seems like a bigger fish than this bullshit but I am more than a tad pissed. If I never post on SI again...do I care? The posts about me and the blog are probably buried deep by now. That place has some massive turn over.
If I turn the other cheek am I condoning the Crazed Web Master's misrepresentation of me?
What to do?? What to do??
What would you do??
19 comments:
Shawn,
No offense, but you come across like a spoiled child when you don't get your way. Not the kind that pouts in the corner when she is told she can't have any cookies, more like stomp and shout Veruca Salt kind.
I happen to like SI. Not only is there a great deal of information there, most of their members actually do PAY to see marital therapists, unlike places like LoveShack.org so they come home with great advice to share.
And healing heart is cool too, but there is not a lot of people there that post often.
Yeah the moderators at SI can be a pain in the rear, but did you need to type an assload of a post dedicated to them? No Veruca, ya didn't.
I think you need to go back to your therapist for a little IC and figure out what is with the veruca in you?
You send a bad message out there to women (and your daughter) and that message is: Richard cheats so threaten, stomp and scream loud enough and he'll come back. Harrass the OW long enough, she'll run & hide and never come back. Yell at your sister in law at family get togethers so she'll shut up.
It is all umbecoming of a woman of your age.
The world is unfair, people is unfair, life is unfair. Your character is who you are when things don't go your way. And who you turn into is a 5 year old child. Stop!
Melinda: I do not discount your opinion, I had to Google who Veruca Salt is!!
I do like to get my way. Who doesn't?
I'm just not sure this is about that. This is about false, derogatory info being posted about me.
That's a bit more than not getting my way.
I'm sorry I couldn't leave your comment up due to your remarks about my family. However...what you said about me going off, yelling loudly on Richard and She that shall not be named is spot on.
You're also right that I did not have to post about SI. I did not want to degrade that site as it does help many people in A recovery. I actually thought posting might make me let go of the idea of filing a suit against them. That seems like way too much work.
Sorry you find my behavior "unbecoming".
I am what I am.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Shawn, I'm going to have to post this comment in two parts because I've gone over the maximum characters allowed... but I'm too long winded to be able to cut it down... so please read the next two comments as one (I'd use an embarrassed icon but I don't' know how to do that... )
Anyway... Shawn, I've followed you for a long time. I love your honesty and your desire to help others through your story. I think you tell things how they are and I do trust your word. You've never ducked answering any comments from dissenters and I've always thought you could 'take it on the chin' and answer with a lot of grace when someone disagreed with you. All that to say that I do respect you as an honest person Shawn.
I also have been on SI for several years too. I also have a great deal of admiration for that site, for Mangled Heart, for the whole team of people that runs that site, and for the immense good that they do. There are a lot of sincerely caring people there. I respect the administrators and mods greatly. They have a very difficult job running a site of that size, one that can literally be providing a lifeline for the newly betrayed. All of the mods and administrators dedicate many, many hours of their time willingly (and freely) doing just that.
So I am very sad to see this. It feels like two of my best friends are arguing.
Sorry, It's going to have got be three posts...I'm even more long winded than I thought!
I think this started out as a misunderstanding that has now gotten very heated on both sides. I don't think it started out that way on your side. But my perspective is this. SI is an enormous site. They have an unbelievably difficult job monitoring thousands upon thousands of posts, and refereeing disagreements between the members (on the few occasions they rise up). They have had trolls from time to time too. I think Mangled Heart has HAD to take a very hard stance at times to protect the members, administrators and site itself and out of necessity the site has strict guidelines that must be adhered to, to protect ALL who frequent those forums - but it's all coming from a *good* place and a good heart.
I genuinely think you are two good people who have had a misunderstanding that has grown much larger because you are two decisive, strong people at loggerheads with each other. I understand you wanting an apology I really do. But for the greater good of all if I were you, I'd let it go. I believe completely what you wrote today. I can actually SEE how the mix up started. That's my honest view. I understand how it happened. I appreciate your view that it could have been explored in private but I also see how Mangled Heart felt he was protecting his administrator who you had written about using the word 'chastise' to describe communications. Now I'm a flowery speaking person too so I didn't take the serious definition of it either. I'd use that word to mean a slight telling off myself. So I can truly see BOTH sides of this. I truly can. Until offence was taken over the word I'd never bothered to look it up in a dictionary - so I've probably overused the word myself many times! So, I for one, know how you probably meant it (how I took it actually) - but I can see Mangled Hearts protective instinct kick in too about his administrator too. Like I said, I can see both sides clearly.
Finally!
So I can say that there is at least one person out here in cyberspace who can see how this argument came about, escalated, and still 'likes' and doesn't think 'less' of EITHER of you. I still think you are both good people, with good hearts, and good intentions who got caught up in an argument that started as a misunderstanding. Definitions of words and human forgetfulness contributed (so did a little strength of character by the both of you too if I'm honest) but all in all I certainly don't think of you as a liar after all this Shawn.
I think the thing for me is, that people who don't follow your blog or didn't try to 'find' it after reading that thread...then I think they couldn't care less and they've already forgotten about it. Seriously. It's like you said. Over on SI - the threads move fast. Anyone who knows you (and even if they don't they only need google your name to find this blog) will read this post and understand (the same as I have) and probably see what's happened and how it's happened just the same as I have. Just having this post here *is* your 'side of the story' for anyone who *cares* to know it Shawn. Anyone who doesn't 'care' will have already forgotten about it in my opinion.
So it's up to you. You could take this further. That's your option. But I just don't know if it's worth it. In my opinion. It's going to take a lot of time, effort, money, and emotions to do it and... I'm not sure what your gain would be. Satisfaction? Probably, but I think the cost of the satisfaction would come pretty high and I'm not sure it's worth it for something that, like you say, is probably buried and forgotten over on SI, and your side of it is here, in print right on this blog for anyone to see.
It's like you've both had your say already on your own sites/blogs. If it were me, I'd leave it at that. Truth is, you're both good people, doing a lot of good for people who need help and I still admire you both. (and I hope I haven't offended either one of you - please believe that I do respect you both.)
Sharon
Sometimes people assume the worst about another person. Those on 'that other site' do that a LOT. I have had comments removed for an honest mistake. It would be nice if they would take a step back and see that we are all in this mess, look at a situation and try to moderate instead of acting like lords of the mountain. I think I have found more help on your blog than I ever did there. But maybe that's because I swear like a truck driver and feel closer to you than the multitude of people on there.
Keep on keepin on :-)
Shawn:
The site you blogged about gets terrible reviews across the net.
I never heard of it prior to reading you blog but just did a quick google of their website name.
here is a link to siteJabber.com
http://www.sitejabber.com/reviews/www.survivinginfidelity.com
If Richard has found an attorney willing to sue for libel, why not go for it.
It seems as if they falsely accused you even though you already spoke to someone about the "robin" glitch. They can always supoena that person. I doubt they will lie under oath, particularly if the other moderators are just volunteers.
According to one of the full reviews at sitejabber.com (click more) the owners are making money off the site. So maybe they have deep pockets.
There are also a lot of other negative reviews apparently because of their heavy handedness in locking innocent sounding threads and such.
Anonymous: I enjoy that snappy old saying but how do you mean it? Crazed Web Master (CWM) and I are both behaving like assholes?
Mmmmmmm....I'm trying to see that side of the situation but I'm not there yet.
CWM drew first blood. I'm just deciding if I should care or not.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
(((Sharon))) I truly appreciate the fact that you took the time to write three posts to try and talk me off the ledge. I agree that SI helps a whole lotta people in pain. I admire the effort. However...their magnanimous work shouldn't allow them to be judgmental bullies!
At this point, I'd settle for a quick email from Mangled Heart stating he/she (is it a he? HE sounds like a real bitchy SHE to me!) over reacted and misjudged me without sufficient cause. No need to post it on the forum, but I would like the whole thread about my blog deleted so no one reads how he/she labeled me a liar.
Again...you're a real doll to take the time to be the representative of reason and I thank you.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Strong Survivor: Thanks for the support. I always say...I get way more from my readers than any of you get from me. This blog is a selfish endeavor.
Hugs to you, my sister in potty mouth!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
BS: I wasn't looking for a cash reward...well, I probably would ask for attorney's fees, but that's it.
I want a retraction of the libelous post made by the CWM. (Crazed Web Master! Liking the new nickname!!)
That's all I want. Being accused of dishonesty hits me where I live! I think most betrayed spouses feel very strongly about liars, just like I do. Lies have ruined many of our lives. I don't go there!
Thanks for sharing the review site.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
My advice:
Let it go.
You have stated your case on your blog, and you have explained what happened.
Don't let those who refuse to believe a logical & benign explanation sap any more of your energy.
You have better things to do with your mind and your time than to focus on what sounds like a too-easily-offended personality, one who assumes the worst in others no less.
Others can choose to dig in their heels. And you can choose to take a deep breathe and move on.
Let it go.
I went to SI because I saw it on another blog I read Chump Lady. I know, I know CL is VERY heavy on leaving the bastard and I don't know that I don't disagree sometimes. But she has some very empowering words for BS's. Enuf said about CL.
Anyway I found SI to be very weird. I went through some of the posts and did not register. Something very Orwellien about the place. From what I've read there have been many poster blocked and I'm sure I would have eventually been blocked given my snarky and irreverent attitude so I didn't even bother.
To you my friend I say welcome back. Eff SI stay away from those places. I once was on a male's blog and from on innocuous comment on my part he started privately emailing me. I almost had to change my email address and I know I read him on SI so I don't need them. There's lots of weird stuff out in cyberspace and realllly weird people. Don't need that shit in my life!
Talking about slander. I need some advice. I found out something the OW said to an employee about me that is tremendously slanderous. She said it 4 years ago but I just found out. What do you recommend I do about it? I haven't even told my husband yet. Found out around Christmas and did not want to bring it up and ruing Christmas but I am finding a terrible time finding the RIGHT time to bring up the subject. I want to go to an attorney about this. Any advice?
Pursuing this further is a pathway back to Crazy Town, don't let anyone have that power over you.
Shawn, I'm like you in the sense that I would want to fight. It would be very hard for me not to dig in my heels and wear them down until I got the public apology I (you) deserve.
But, having said that... I think you should let it go. I feel that taking a long, deep breath and stepping way back, looking at the big picture and giving it some time, will help you to find your center and make the right decision for yourself.
However, if after all the breathing and stepping back and so on, you decide to fight it out- you have my best wishes and strong vibes of support.
Hi Shawn, I too was banned from SI because they accused me of calling the OW a whore on the wrong forum. I did do this twice and apologized to the moderators email. Next thing you know I am banned! I asked why and he/she said my apology of "I'm sorry" was lame! Seriously.
When I replied that it is hard to understand some ones sincerity on an email they accused me of having called the OW a whore 7 times which is absolute bull shit!
My H was so pissed he emailed them to say that I needed the support I was getting from some people there, and they just said too bad we can ban anyone we want.
Nice! Very caring! Anyway I don't go back and read there since I found the healing heart through you. Thanks for what you so.
Steph
Hi Shawn. You and I have had our differences and I never really ever could understand why. I guess some women, like all women, are just too sensitive and we put our thoughts/insecurities onto other women because we think all women think like we do - or something. I have followed your blog and thought that if we were neighbors we would totally be friends, I have no doubt. I once said I couldn't leave my cheater because of money and you attacked as someone else did and both of you did seemed to almost flaunt that you guys have money and too bad I didn't (look at your past comments and don't sue me = my husband is an attorney too and we would be friends, I'm just pointing out how awful women are to each other) and that you both stayed out of love and not because of (lowly) money. Well, I am still staying because of money issues (I have no intension of living below what I am living now because my dickwad cheated with germ carrying c*nt prostitutes) and because of my very happy baby. She is so happy, a divorce would totally change her.
I mention the above because it really did hurt me to be attacked by you and you and the other person shouldn't have. Then I was again attacked by you because I continued reading your blog and begged for follow up and you accused me other such things - look it up if you want.
What I am saying is you really are very touchy and you do attack. I mean really, you wrote that you would sue SI? SI does SUCK. It really, really does. The moderators mock and attack. Why do people in charge do such things? Just because they own a blog - you - or volunteer on a blog - I don't know, but it is all unnecessary.
I was surprised to see you on the SI forum and saw you being attacked and was surprised you were so nice back....I thought, oh oh, Shawn is really swallowing the special sauce down hard now - just to stay on SI??? SI sucks ass big time!!! And they are so unforgiving.
Plus, SI = the men, really really suck. A woman cheats on them, when they are separated - SEPARATED - with a ons and the men go on for centuries. They berate their women forever and I really feel so sorry for the women who betray men because the men either attack and are horrible and abusive forever or they just divorce. Women who cheat should really never stay with the men they cheat on - it is so not worth it, it seems to me, when I read the pitiful shit the men write on SI.
But, again, this is not an attack on you - just observation of people and sensitivities. It is just my experience with you and SI. I always feel attacked and if I were to show my friends they'd say, ya, Shawn totally attacked you and was wrong and unfair - just like SI was to you, Shawn.
I am totally, however, on your corner here Shawn because SI is rude and the main contributors can say anything it seems and people who contribute once in a while, like you, will get attacked or blocked for nothing. I WISH THERE WAS ANOTHER forum out there like SI...yes I know about your fav. forum but they never let me join..I signed up and waited for like 2 weeks and then just gave up. What's nice about SI is that their mods, though crazy, get the job done in that regards - however, they really can't handle anyone not remembering something like a log in - I did that and was emailed a nasty email too a long time ago. I mean really - get counseling mods, get counseling or get out...ouch - it's just a forum guys....get out of crazy town, right?
Regards.
Hey, Anonymous: I'd go back and look up the conversation we shared where you said I attacked you, but, Sweetie...you posted as ANONYMOUS! So many ANONS! I have no clue which one is you from past posts, BUT...if I attacked you or not, doesn't matter. If you FELT attacked, then I apologize. I don't think there is a betrayed spouse out there that deserves to be kicked when they're down. We all need support.
About SI...you are so right. They suck. Insensitive asshats. I was nice on the boards because I truly hoped to correct the misconception of me in a civil way...but Nooooooooo! There was to be no rational discussion.
Whatever...I let it go!!
AND about Healing Heart...If you email me, I'll send your contact info to the moderators over there. I'm sure we can find the help you need to join the forum. Use shawnthewife@aol.com
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
I'm a bit late to the party. It's April 2016. I did NOT like SI. Instead of getting an ounce of support, I was attacked. When I posted my story, I specifically told people on SI not to rip apart my husband or his story. I repeatedly asked for advice to get past it all. All I got were nasty comments that I was an idiot/fool and my husband was totally lying to me, and several nasty comments that were so far-fetched -like my hubby was screwing co-workers, probably f-ing someone at that moment... Just ugly comments. Yes, I know my husband is an a-hole for what he did. I know he was wrong, just didn't need people inventing more nasty images in my mind. I posted AGAIN on SI that I wanted no toxic comments, got attacked again, and I emailed one of the moderators that I felt I was being attacked. She said I basically deserved it for calling people toxic. She said I was the one being rude, not the other people on SI. I guess writing, please no toxic comments only helpful ones is rude. SI is just run by out of control bullies.
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