Done with my marriage of 34 years?
I certainly see how you might think that.
To those of you still struggling in affair recovery....that's not why I'm writing today.
To the reconciliation hating nay-sayers, that isn't what this post is about at all.
To the friends I've made along my Road to Happy....this post is my virtual pat on the back. I survived and thrived after DDay and now that part of my past is Done.
It's almost here. The 6 year anti-versary.
Just a few years ago, I would have spent the past month agonizing over exactly what my former wayward husband was doing on any given day in the fall of 2010.
Yeah....there were lots of dates I could have stewed about these past couple of months, but I'm Done.
I'm so Done.
No...I'm not "Over it".
No...I haven't forgotten any of it. Even if I had forgotten the details due to my less than stellar memory, I'm blessed with this blog for referrals to assist with any unnecessary memory jogging.
That wasn't sarcasm.
This blog has been and will continue to be a blessing in my life. It was a huge part of my healing process and much to my surprise, has helped others that know the deep trauma of infidelity.
And, No....there has been no new found forgiveness in our household.
I maintain that acceptance is sufficient to facilitate a strong marriage reconciliation....at least for me.
By Done, I only mean Done with revisiting the pain. I didn't even have a momentary twinge of heartache this year. I don't remember have much last year either. Guess I could check my blog archives to be sure, but I'm Done, so I won't.
6 freaking years to be Done. That's a truly scary time-line for those fresh into the mess after DDay, but it does not need to be.
It flew by. Every anti-versary brought me closer to being Done with all of it.
I hope you don't feel like I'm being flip about this.
I didn't just decide to be Done.
I just realized and chose to verbalize that I am Done.
I hope you don't think I'm sharing today just to wake up the blog.
I had time on my hands this morning. I had some new emails from readers.
I looked at the calendar and considered the date.
I realized it matters not. It could be any day.
I don't feel the melancholy tug any more.
I thought some of you might wanna know that.
I'm done and it feels great.
Hope & Hugs, my Friends.
17 comments:
WOW 6 years?! Only another 4 years and 7 months to go!
Seriously though, thank you.
You are one strong lady. I hope I get there too.
Thanks,
J
Good for you, Shawn.
I've been following you from the very beginning...as a matter of fact I'm almost exactly 5 1/2 years out from DDay.
And I'm done, too.
Do I still wonder about the OW and what kind of life she's living? Sadly, I'm still curious. She was after all, someone who not only worked with my husband but who also befriended me. I'm sure that bogus friendship was one more way for her to get to know the "opposition" as her intention was always to marry my husband.
I still do study her FB page occasionally, mostly for entertainment purposes though... it is extremely boring.
The only moments I consider revenge these days is when I think of telling her husband, who has no idea what his wife was up to for nine years behinds his (and my) back. But then I remind myself that her husband met her through an affair, and was coerced into marrying her because she became pregnant with his child. While they were both married to other people. And had small children with those respective spouses. Oh my...what a tangled web. Anyway, thank goodness I have had excellent impulse control because it is almost sweeter to know that she is still married to a husband that she trapped, but isn't in love with. And why open that can of worms for myself and my family?
Our marriage, like yours, is better than ever...we've been married 41 years. Amazing how grateful and loving one can become when they stop taking their relationship for granted and realize that they almost lost everything truly important. That is who my husband and I are now. Happy, grateful people. And like you, our adult children are aware of their father's betrayal. In the beginning, I regretted telling them. They were so angry with him that they wouldn't speak to him for nearly a year. But I now realize that there was a lesson for them in this pile of shit too. That marriage isn't perfect. That their father isn't perfect. And it held him accountable to the people he loves most. In the beginning, our daughter asked me, "how can I ever trust dad again?" and I said, you can trust him more than ever now. He has been found out, he is ashamed and infinitely remorseful. Ain't no one more trustworthy in the world....
Love you Shawn...thank you for walking down the road to happy with me.
S.
Help me! 2 months yesterday since my husband told me he was in love with another woman. He's back and said it was a mistake but he still sees her most everyday. He is sick of my meltdowns and if I don't shape up I'm afraid I will lose him. I cannot control my thoughts.
(((Anonymous))))
Just breath. I know the panic. I have lived the rage and grief.
It gets easier, but it takes a very long time.
If your cheating husband is "sick" of your meltdowns, he has no clue the damage HE has caused.
The uncontrollable thoughts are normal! You are suffering through a major life altering trauma.
You may have PTSD.
Please take care of you right now. Consider counseling. The right therapist can be a life saver.
PLEASE visit the Healing Heart Message boards...today!
The link is on the bottom of my blog. The members of the Healing Heart showed me the path to healing when I had no hope.
You can reah out or just read. It will help.
You do not have to struggle alone. Join hands with others that know your pain.
You will need support. Other betrayed spouses that understand how to heal are the best guides.
I will be here. You can email me: shawnthewife@aol.com
Focus on you!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
i am reading all your comments it's been a year since DDAY and i am afraid i can't hold on all of those years like you did, or in fact i am afraid that my husband will stop loving me or will get bored of waiting for me to get better and forget. is it normal though that i am always looking to know if the one he cheated me with is happy and when i found out that she is happy i get depressed because i want her to suffer like she made me suffer, i don't want her to get one small space of happiness in her life and when i tell my husband that he tells me that i am not seeing the blessings in front of me and i am dwelling in the past and that i must forget about her.
(((Nermine)))
You can and will hold on. At a year after DDay, I thought I should totally be over it! What in the hell was wrong with me?? This blog was a pathetic personal therapy. Writing down my pain helped me move past it. You'll find what works for you, too. Time is your friend.
About the OW...Don't give her any more of you! She means zippo and she has already taken too much from you. Take back your power. Don't give it to her. The only person that deserves your bitterness and anger (and I'm not dogging you. Bitter and anger are the default settings of the betrayed.) is your cheating hubby. Share your pain with him. I know it's scary. You think he might be sick of your suffering and maybe leave. That's a possibility. BUT...he needs to know how badly HE hurt you and he needs to know what YOU need to repair the marriage. I'd be willing to bet if you open up to him, he will reach back.
I read your other comment on TOTALLY CLUELESS, too. I know exactly what you mean. Just realizing someone else made the same trip to Crazy Town as I did helped me start to heal. The betrayed that have walked ahead on the Road to Happy can be your salvation. I will never forget the other betrayed wives that saved me from myself.
PLEASE go to the Healing Heart message boards. You will find support, compassion and others that really, really get what you are going through. It's a small, intimate group that truly cares about each other. You don't have to try and heal alone.
Hope to see you on the Healing Heart.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Nermine.... One other thing...VERY important!
We can NEVER hurt the OW the way they hurt us. Never. The pain of the betrayed is unique in it's depth and magnitude, so please do not waste any more effort or time on the OW. Affair recovery is for you and your WH.
Hope & hugs again! Shawn
I feel like I'm almost done. I've also been married 34 years. A little over a year ago I discovered that my wonderful Christian husband and father of my six children had possibly been having an affair. I had tons of only circumstantial evidence. He admitted it looked bad but swore to me for 10 months that there was No Affair.
I almost believed him and then at the end of June of this past summer, I discovered that he had hidden forty thousand dollars from me. After 10 months of convincing me of no affair. So, I left him. We had been to two counselors. What a joke..
I came back home after he confessed hiding the money and because I was supposed to take a trip with our youngest who is 18 and his youth group. We took it and my husband promised we would get counseling when I came home.
He won't go. He has begged me to forgive him for how he spoke to me and treated me at that time. I was honestly working on that and then the money hiding issue was discovered. He has only told me that he hid it because he hated himself and he was going to leave by himself. He has spent months convincing me that he loves me and wants this marriage. He has never hit me or physically abused me in anyway.
Our sex life which had basically come to a stop for several months has totally changed and totally is all the time now. He was telling me he was tired, we were older ..yada yada and I believed him. He also did admit to me that he didn't leave because of our kids. He also has said that God has given him a new love for me. He can't explain any of that now.
I feel like I'm biding my time before I leave him and rip our family apart. It's horrible. I don't want to rip my family apart but I have so many unanswered questions and he just wants to go about life like none of this has ever happened. Some of the circumstantial evidence is just awful.
The other woman is nine years younger than me and a major work out queen. She is also married with grown kids now. I'm in my mid 50's. She taunts me on Facebook. I've suspected it for a while but I passed her on the road about a month ago. She was pulling out of her neighborhood and I recognized her car. Yes, I know those things.. So we passed each other in a school zone slowly. I was in our truck which she knows from my husband working with her. I didn't look at her but I know I had a smirk on my face.
I do check her page and I checked it a couple of days later. She posted a song from youtube. About Sex...It was nasty...She said she was looking for Christmas music and came across this nostalgic song...Basically, here is what she said...." How fun. Was looking for Christmas music and came across this nostalgic song. The memories! How fun...
So I listened on You tube. It was about sex in the summer. Even went into how one of them liked it on top. It was disgusting. Why would a married woman honestly put that up? She is supposed to be a Christian. My husband also. What a freaking joke!
I asked a friend of mine who knows the whole story to just look at her post and tell me what she thinks...She thinks she is taunting me. I didn't even tell her I'd been suspecting that!
I'm just disgusted and about to leave him for his lies and take him for everything! I don't know what to do..
I dont know, you guys.How can you trust your husband after he cheated? He can change his behavior but he cannot change who he is. Who he IS is a person who can lie to you with a straight face, endanger your health without your knowledge, gaslight you, put his own pleasure above your health, safety and dignity...Can a person change their character? I dont know. These guys seem remorseful when faced with the prospect of losing half their assets and their sterling reputation...but if they really loved you so much they wouldnt have cheated in the first place. Right?
Chris: You asked, " if they really loved you so much they wouldnt have cheated in the first place. Right?"
From my experience, Richard cheating had zero to do with me. I know...that seems impossible, right?
He cheated for lots of reasons but the reasons were all about his shortcomings. He never stopped loving me. He always wanted to come home to his family. Almost makes it worse, huh?
But...it's not worse. you also asked, "Can a person change their character?" I don't think so. My wayward husband was always a very good man. Loving, kind, thoughtful and generous to a fault. He also had demons that i didn't know about. Don't we all have a hidden mask? Don't we all make mistakes? I believe truly good people can do horrid things, but I also believe in second chances.
So I focus on what Richard is doing for me now. He worked very hard to conquer his demons and the man I see now is worthy of a second chance and my trust...such as it is these days! But that's an entire different issue!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Hi Shawn, I work for the Dr. Oz Show in NYC and we are looking to speak with a couple who has dealt with infidelity in the past. You may have forgiven him but you may still be having a hard time forgetting what happened. I wanted to see if this might fit your situation and see if you and your husband would be willing to speak with our expert Devon Franklin. Please let me know at mallen@zoco.com. Thank you for your time.
Do it Shawn! Would watch.
Anonymous: I replied, but they already found a couple in NY. Much cheaper to get those folks to the studio than flying me from CA! PLUS...I think they wanted a couple. Pretty sure Richard isn't interested in sharing anymore!
Thanks for the vote of confidence!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Thank you for this! NYE 2014 was DDay for me. We weren't married but had been together 5 years & were engaged. When we separated, he was in a rebound relationship within 4 months, it ended 4 months later. The triangle began about 5 months later. We saw her this weekend & while the pain has subsided significantly, if I never saw her again, it would be too soon. Glad I'm not the only one who would look at the OW's FB page, she has recently deleted her account, YAY! I know me looking is just a form of "emotional cutting". Forgiving him has been a difficult process, but holding onto resentment & bitterness only hurts me. There was nothing exceptional about her, it's all wrapped up in his own feelings of unworthiness, which is why he sabotages. I guess the silver lining is because she was so vindictive (dating one his best friends shortly after they broke up & taking him to court for a PPO 9 months later--it was thrown out) that he sees how loyal & loving I've been all along. He's been talking moving back in together/marriage for 2 years. I'm hesitant, I want a solid foundation & that includes therapy to work through the pain together. I'm so glad you've found peace, Shawn! I wish that for all visitors here, I deeply empathize with your pain & belive you can survive & thrive <3
Hello, I Like your blog, I wanted to leave a little comment to support you and wish you a good continuation. Wish you best of luck for all your best efforts. Extramarital Affair | Husband and Wife Stories
Any updates on how life is these days? Would love to hear the good and bad of being 5, 6, 7 years out.
Hey, Friends! Just wanted to say Hey & Happy Holidays and respond to S. Beador.
Many of asked what is the MAGIC number of years neede to heal? Quick answer...there isn't any magic number to each his/her own time frame. BUT...If I was pressed to pick a number...for me it would be 5 Years.
Every year brought a different kind of healing and a stronger sense of faith that I made the right choice in reconciliation.
It was at the 5 year mark that the affair had no impact except in a positive way in my life anymore.
That was a BIG alteration in my brain. The affair in a positive light! What a concept!
At 5 years, the good sooooo out weighed the bad that the bad faded into distant memory. The NEW good makes it easy to focus on NOW and really live in the moment without brain worms and triggers.
I know....I know....5 years, right? That is a long freaking time! It flew. It was so worth it.
But you don't have to wait. you can chose to live in the moment. Focusing on the good of your marriage today.
Sorry I don't write anymore, but I always read comments here and MORE frequently reply to my email.
You can reach me anytime at shawnthewife@aol.com
Thanks for reading, Thanks for reaching out.
Happy Healing. Happy Holidays. Much Love.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
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