After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Best Laid Plans

God must have been of the opinion that I still had lessons to learn.  I was finally ready to accept the dreaded phrase "move on".  I was all systems go to actually embrace the idea with devotion and endeavor to implement those two previously spiteful, ill-conceived words into my life.
Before I was blessed with the supportive wisdom from the members of the Healing Heart, if anyone had told me it was time to "move on"....let's just say it wouldn't have gone well for them to remain anywhere within ear shot of my retort.

The relief I felt when I told 'D' that I wanted to accept the Non-Clets restraining order and NOT have to go to court was more than remarkable.  PLEASE, all of you that plot revenge on the affair partner in your head for fun, try and understand how incredible it feels to let her go.  It is a true adrenaline rush of self satisfaction.  The best gift you can give yourself.

I told you earlier, I thought I'd let Jaymie go weeks before this restraining order issue.  I firmly thought I'd removed that ugly monkey from my back, but it wasn't until this day that the release felt genuine.  When I actually chose to NOT jump on the chance to ridicule Jaymie publicly, I was amazed at myself.  Maybe that's the same way an alcoholic feels the first time he turns down a cold beer on a hot day....stupified but elated.
I felt victorious.  I felt liberated.  I felt empowered.

The next day, Sharon got Jaymie to sign the agreement.  I stopped by 'D's office on the way to work and signed it as well.  I didn't even review it.  I knew what it said, in way too many lawyerish words it said I had to stay away from Jaymie.  I didn't care how many ways the attorneys could write about no contact.  No need to read any of it.  In simple words it said...Let Jaymie Go.

Drove on to work as usual, right past the hotel where Jaymie and Richard had spent their last night together and I paid it no mind at all.  I was too busy basking in the glow of my emancipation!  I had been delivered from the bondage of obsession.  I know...I'm just repeating myself, but I so wanna be certain you get it.  This was a phenomenal leap forward for me and it felt glorious!

The whole day at work all seemed right with my world.  I knew it wasn't ALL right.  I knew Richard and I still had a long journey on the Road to Happy, but I was focusing on my successful first steps.
I was still floating on wings of hopefulness and well-being as I drove home when my cell phone rang.  It was Richard.  I was happy to see his name come up on the caller ID.  I knew he was pleased I had chosen wisely and avoided further confrontation.
And....my joy filled day was about to screech to an abrupt halt.
You know what they say about Best Laid Plans, right?  I had such high hopes for Plan A!  Crap!

"Hi, Honey.  What's up?"
"D called.  There's a problem with the order.  The judge refused to sign it."
"What?  Huh?  What are you talking about?"
I am always so articulate when caught off guard.  Not my fault, really.  Once again, my brain just wasn't able to process such nasty news very quickly.
Richard continued trying to clarify what he meant.
"The judge says he wants to hear the case.  He insists we all appear tomorrow in his courtroom."

Holy Shit!!  I already knew what he meant!!  He should just shut the fuck up!!  I needed a minute to shove my freshly battered brains back into my skull!  My heart was about to pulverize my insides and  I doubt there was a whole lot breathing going on.  Between gasping for small gulps of air, I managed something like this:

"How can he do that?  We both signed the papers.  We both agreed.  How can he do that?"
"He's a judge, Honey.  He can do whatever he sees fit.  'D' is still working with his clerk trying to get the judge on the phone.  It's not a done deal yet.  I wanted you to know exactly what was happening as soon as I knew.  It just doesn't look good."
"Well, fix it!  I can't handle anymore!  I do not want to see her, Richard!  I don't know what I'll do if I have to see her! Fix it!"

And then, he apologized.  In the past year, I heard that man say I'm sorry more times than any person should ever hear anyone utter any words in any lifetime.
He was so sorry that he was the cause of it all.  Sorry was not gonna help now.

The next day, I would have to rise and shine and face the Bitch Whore.   What a difference a day makes!  In my momentarily clear and jubilant mind, Plan A meant I was done with Jaymie.
Now, I had to face Plan B.  What the hell was Plan B?  The freedom to take another whack at taunting, humiliating and exposing Jaymie for the fallen woman (girl) she was?

This time I wasn't falling back on that version of Plan B.
I remained steadfast in my desire to "move on".

So what would Plan B look like?  I couldn't picture it at all.
I needed my new best friends, the clear thinking, enlightened members of the Healing Heart.  They would be there for me.  They would know what to do.  They would be able to visualize Plan B for me.
I couldn't get home to my computer fast enough.