After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Monday, January 26, 2015

You Can Call me Elsa

Anyone totally over the whole Frozen phenomenon?  Anybody have a princess wanna-be kiddo that must listen to the infernal melody made famous by the extraordinary Idina Menzel?  Any of you HATE hearing the aggravating, trigger making, insipid recommendation ..."Let it Go"?

I was never a fan of those three words and I could do without hearing that song ever again BUT....
You know what?  I'm thinking it might do me a world of good to Let it Go.

(WARNING...this post may cause you to feel nauseous due to plentiful Polly Anna Platitudes...all delivered with the best intentions)

 I'm embracing my inner Elsa.  I'm starting to think life might be too short to hold on to anything that doesn't bring me joy or peace of mind or love or satisfaction in some positive way.  Rhetoric like that used to make me wanna hurl as my eyes rolled back so far in my head I could see my own brain, but I'm trying to Let that negative attitude Go.

I'm fairly certain all betrayed spouses are forever changed in many ways after DDay.  For me, that reality is undeniable.  Before DDay, I was a force to be reckoned with and most people will tell you I could hold a grip on a grudge for longer than I care to admit, but I wasn't really into the revenge enterprise nor did I dwell on payback.
For the first year after DDay, I was harder, colder and more willing to put up a fight to the end than I have ever been in my entire life.  I built walls around me, named those walls Crazy Town and proceeded to make sure my new dwelling earned it's named in a memorable way.  When I lived there, I wouldn't Let Anything Go!  Not a freaking thing!  If something ruffled my feathers or chapped my bootie, I held to it as tight as a hungry python wraps up a long awaited meal.  It took me days or weeks to digest my anger over minutia that I made into mountains.
Looking back, it pains me how much time I lost being pissed off.

Guess I'll have to Let that regret Go.

What brought me to this well of divine acceptance?
The trivial dispute with aforementioned SI Crazed Web Master.  I was ready to sue the bi-yotch.  Give many hours of my life away that I'd never get back just to have the last word.  I felt I had to stand up for myself.  Convince her she was wrong about me.  I couldn't let her think she was right.
Well, that was just wrong.  You all told me as much.
The only choice is to Let it Go.

Letting Go is scary for many reasons.  Remember playing on the monkey bars as a kid? Tough to Let Go and drop down, right?   Or, when we teach our kids to ride bikes, we push them along and at some point, we gotta Let Go and hope (trust) they won't fall and break a limb!
For betrayed spouses, it's so different.  Emotional Letting Go is the most frightening of all.
When we try to Let Go of our pain, our anger or our sorrow it feels like we're allowing our self-centered, self-indulgent, cheating partners off the proverbial hook.  If we Let Go of the brain worms, the hatred of the OW or our soul protecting mistrust we are opening up our battered hearts to potential annihilation.
I was never good at Letting Go, even before DDay.  After DDay I took that undesirable, isolating personality flaw and amplified it 100 fold.  This little confrontational episode, with a great deal of help from you, may have saved me from myself.
I took a step back and like Elsa says, "It's funny how some distance, makes everything seem small and the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all."

I would never suggest that anyone struggling after DDay, "Let it Go."  To each her own time frame.
But for me.....I'm really gonna try to Let More Go.  I don't wanna harbor negativity anymore.  It leeches into all parts of my life.  It causes collateral damage.
If I let the actions of others influence my attitude, then I have nobody to blame but myself.
I can't see myself Letting Everything Go.  I mean, I have quite a bit of cynical DNA hardwired in, but I will remember to TRY and Let it Go whenever I can.
As far as Holding on to DDay anger...Sing it with me...
"I'm never going back...The Past is in the Past.  Let it Go!"