After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

I have an Excuse!!

I wanna check in and let you all know why I may not be able to continue my story for a while.  Maybe you don't care.  Maybe no one out there misses me when I go on hiatus, but I miss you.  Therefore...I need to make my excuses for my absence.  (BTW...that previous sentence about you missing me was NOT, I repeat NOT me fishing for an out pouring of reader love. Although, I could use a hug right now.)

My life is always busy.  That's how I like it.  Busy and productive with a heavy dose of fun thrown in.  Most working moms are crazy busy, too, so that really isn't much of an excuse.  It's just that the last few weeks have escalated into a whole new level of crazy.  Not Crazy Town crazy...crazy busy.  There just are not any spare minutes these days.
When I have a few precious moments to relax, I become a "Mombie".  I drink wine and I veg in a near comatose, zombie like state.  I have legitimate excuses.  They are as follows:

Excuse Number One:  We are getting our house ready for a relative onslaught!  That's relative as a noun, not an adjective.  We are hosting my Grandpa's 100th birthday celebration!!  I've mentioned my Grandpa in this story.  He deserves the best birthday party ever and I intend to deliver.  Richard and I have spent every extra hour preparing for this festive event.  Gotta say, when I watch Richard shoveling gravel, or painting the fence working to make our yard look it's best for my uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces and nephews, my heart swells because I know he loves my family as much as I do and even knowing his mistakes, they love him right back.

Excuse Number Two:  Water Polo.  Holy Crap, People!  High School sports are a HUGE commitment!  My favorite time to write is first thing in the morning before anyone else is awake.  Now, we wake up at 5:00am for practice!  That's just the first practice of the day!  The second starts at 2:30.  No problem. Not like that's just right in the middle of the whole damn day!!  Not like I have to go to work or anything!!  Even though I am a planner/organizer extraordinaire (if I do say so myself!) the grueling schedule of training for this season of Bull-Dogs Water Polo is wearing me out!

Excuse number Two & a Half:  My son dislocated his shoulder at said Water Polo practice.  That's a big time ouchie for a 15 year old and a big time suck for Mommy.  First, the trip to the ER.  You all know that is never expedient.  Then, there's the follow up!  Primary care, a orthopedist and the ever popular MRI!  Waiting to see the surgeon next.  Crap.  My poor kid still goes to every practice.  Sits, watches and wishes he was in the pool with his team mates.  I haven't told him but I'm pretty sure his water polo career is over, at least for this season.

Excuse Number Three:  My friend Nikki and I own a small retail shop.  I think I've mentioned that before.  July and August means trade show season.  Lots of traveling to stock our store with lovely, tempting merchandise.  We've been to LA twice, Dallas once and we are heading to Vegas tomorrow.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my job.  It just gets in the way of family life once in a while and then the mommy/wife guilt creeps in.  Guilt is a useless emotion but normal and inevitable.

Excuse Number Four:  I got the freakin' flu!!  Who gets the flu in August?? Oh, yeah...that's right!!  ME!  I get the flu with a fever and stomach cramps and chills...the whole shebang!  I was in bed for 19 hours!!  Do you know how many posts I could crank out in 19 hours?  Such a waste!
On the bright side, I did lose 4 pounds.

There you have it.  I don't know when I'll be getting back to the story.  We're getting to the end of the drama.  The next part is about Daddy James raking me over the coals in an email.  Good Christian Daddy James used some naughty words, too!
Let's face it.  I deserved every bit of his wrath.  I make No Excuses.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

A Ticket to Hell

I didn't have to wait long for a reply from Daddy James.  My email to him sharing my experience at HIS church, with HIS friends made him jump right up and kick into damage control mode with a large dose of caution and a substantial degree of trepidation.  He went straight to the Lord to try and keep me in line.  As soon as I got his email, I furiously typed a response.  His words are in black.  My response is in red.


Wow- What a revelation. Your email impresses me but… it also worries me in one area.
You have to know that I have never shared your troubled relationship with anyone but my wife Karen.  Even No one in my family knows about the adultery (calling it what it was) .  I don't imagine you did. To do so would also share your daughter's part in the adultery. To be honest I’m concerned about what you may have said about my daughter to others.  Jaymie made a grievous error and chose to do something very wrong.  But I don’t want to crucify her or make her a public example for what she did.  Of course you don't, but maybe it would be good for her to admit her part and ask for forgiveness.  God knows, there is a HUGE lesson to be learned for all of us.  Maybe she could go with me to "tag" team.  I will be talking about the affair.  They will all know my name, Richard's name, why not hers?  Or...perhaps if she let me know that she has sincere remorse, that she has at least some idea of how her choices ruined my life, maybe I could go to church and not use any last names at all.  They were very nice not to ask my last name on Sunday.  She would have to email or call me and plead her case for herself, otherwise, I see no reason to be discreet. I do not know if you specifically mentioned her name in counseling. So I ask you to please not make this part of your clearing the air.
God knows who was involved- I know Pastor Jeff, Crystal, Madeline, and Bill personally, and they know my family very well too.
I’m glad you are seeking healing; Have been searching for nearly a year.  Tough road. and I know you will find forgiveness through Christ.  Would you please explain why I need to seek forgiveness?  What did I do?  Do you mean find forgiveness for Jaymie and Richard? That truly would be a miracle.  I am only hoping to find peace and acceptance to live with all the hurt and anger.  Forgiveness isn't even on my radar!  I would encourage you to continue a new life in Jesus.  One of my favorite verses is II Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old things have passed away, new things have come.”  It was for my salvation and healing as well…
Through this may you also find “the peace that surpasses all comprehension…” (Philippians 4:6-7). 
God bless you and may He keep you close.  Thank you.  

As much as it shames me to admit it...I was elated by this email!!  Ecstatic!  Jubilant even!  I had made Daddy James worry (I might even say freak out!) about poor Jaymie's public reputation.  I reveled in the fact that was making him squirm!  I was feeling oh, so happy with myself so I sent the above dialog to Richard with the heading:  "I am SOOOO Going to Hell!"  I sent it to him because I knew he would be MORTIFIED that I was taunting Daddy James!  Richard didn't care what I did to him.  He didn't care who I told about what he did, but dragging Jaymie's family into my Anger Abyss made him cringe!
At times, that just pissed me off more.  Why in the hell did he care what happened to any of them?  They were nothing!  They were irrelevant!  (Except to the continued loss of my mind)  It was all Jaymie's fault!  If only she had sent me the emails her family would never have had to know she was stupid enough to spread her legs for a 60 year old married man.

Richard never tried to stop me as I travelled through Crazy Town blaming Jaymie for buying my entrance ticket along the way.  Sometimes I was even able to get him to carry my luggage.  Richard was as broken as I was.  Not angry, just severely depressed and guilt ridden.  I used that to my advantage.

Are you surprised or appalled that I can let myself off the hook and not harbor guilt?  I do not blame myself for my time in Crazy Town, but this part of Crazy Town was where few ever venture and was much too close to Hell.  Very soon I would begin to feel the heat.