After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The End of Jaymie, Part 1

You know what?  I could waste another entire post telling you all about how I spent the rest of the night after I was pummeled with the news of my impending trip to El Cajon Court, a command performance for the judge that refused to sign off on the Non-Clets agreement.
I could admit how much wine I drank while seeking a means for my survival when having to be in the same zip code, let alone the same damn stuffy courtroom with Jaymie, from the angels of the Healing Heart.
I could wax quite eloquent (that might be a bit of a reach!) about my excessively dutiful husband and how he was struggling to come to grips with the SNAFU that was our Plan A.
I could type a page full of words, forming sentences, some interesting to read, others just placed there to elaborate so I can hear myself talk.  Stretching out the inevitable.  Trying to entertain with my tale of trauma. must know I can squander cyberspace if you've followed me for long!

But, I owe you all better than that.  I deserve better than that.  Let's just cut to chase.  We're within two last posts of the End of Jaymie in my life.  Can I get an AMEN?!

Sleep came at a premium that night, but there was no way I was gonna resort to medication to knock me out.  I wanted to be at my most alert when I walked into court the next morning.  Armed with astute advice from my time spent on the Healing Heart, my attitude was not what I had anticipated.  I can't say I was anxious to get on with it, but I sure was not over whelmed with trepidation. 

In the morning as I rose and enjoyed my tea, the day seemed non-threatening.  I continued to be very pleasantly surprised by my demeanor.  I showered and dressed, carefully selecting the perfect articles of clothing from my embarrassingly over stuffed closet.
You know I made sure I looked GOOD.  Black slacks tucked into tall black, very well polished riding boots.  Black and white silk blouse with a long knit black vest.  Just the right amount of jewelry and make up to be a veritable style icon, while showing the proper respect to the venue.  Pulled my hair back in a Sarah Palin-esque twist.  With my black glasses, I could have passed for her younger, taller sister.   I was going for a stellar combo of hot and business smart and I think I nailed it.
As my dear friend and business partner, Nikki, says...I was smellin' the fart!  LOL!
Crude, but hilarious.  Cracks me up every time as I am a huge fan of potty humor!  In case you don't get it, it means I felt like a world class bad ass.  No one was gonna bring me down.
BTW...Nikki met me at court.  She would never let me face the bitch whore alone.

Richard and I had to take two cars because he had to go to work after our morning meeting with the judge.  I don't think he had any clue what to expect.  I didn't either, but I just knew I'd be fine regardless.
I don't want to belabor the point of how pivotal the guidance from my online friends was for me, but I certainly can't neglect it either.  They gave me courage when I needed it most.  The instruction given to me online the previous night was this:
Hold my head up.  Be Strong.  I did nothing wrong!
Simple and absolutely exactly what I needed to hear.

Many of you and most of Jaymie's clan would disagree with the 'I did nothing wrong' part of the inspirational mantra.  Some might say I did a whole lotta shit wrong.  Maybe so, but in the end, I had tried to do the right thing.  I signed the Non-Clets agreement.  I didn't cling to the dream of public humiliation for Jaymie.  I "Moved On".

If you ever find yourself being summoned into court, I hope you can feel the same.
Unimpeachable and Righteous.  I sure wasn't innocent, but I felt guiltless.
I'm not gonna try to convince you I wasn't apprehensive about how this morning would go down.  As usual, I'm trying to convey precisely what I remember about the experience.  There were a couple of stray butterflies in my gut as I drove south to court, but not enough to cause intestinal distress.
Looking back, it is curious how relatively calm I felt.  Of course, that was on the drive.  I hadn't seen Jaymie's skeletal face yet.

'D' didn't want Richard to come to court.  Can you believe that shit??  I insisted on a united front.  Of course, Richard wanted whatever made me happy.  The plan was to meet 'D' and Nikki in the court cafe.  Richard said they had the best little breakfast bargain ever.  2 eggs, 2 pieces of bacon, toast and coffee for $3.99.  With the aforementioned butterflies taking up residence in my tummy, I would have to pass on the awesome deal.
We found a comfy booth and while Richard squirmed nervously, 'D' began to prep us for what he deemed was routine in these circumstances, the judge just asks each of us to state for the record that we agree with the order and then he signs it.
'D' told us where we should sit in court depended on where Jaymie and her crew planted their butts.  Her support system would probably be Geek Boy and Daddy James. We should sit in front of them so as not to cause undo dismay by staring at the backs of their pin heads.  'D' thought she may have a bigger entourage, but I was confident she didn't want an audience to witness the details of her shameful lack of social graces and possible residual comeuppance.

The clock showed less than 20 minutes to launch.  There had to be a pee stop and fresh lipstick application before we proceeded upstairs.  Nikki and I left the boys, telling them we would meet them at the elevator.  As of yet, there had been no bitch whore sighting.  That was about to change.

Nikki and I walked out of the cafe, stepped around the corner of the hallway to the right and almost strolled directly into Jaymie.  I'm not adding this little moment for dramatic effect, People.  It was a total shocker but I am happy to report that I was beyond cool.  I smiled in her direction ('D' would not have approved!) without making actual eye contact and turned back to Nikki, casually laughing as if she had just shared another comical bit of potty humor with me.  In my peripheral vision, I noted Geek Boy and Daddy James gawking, as if in abject horror, at the sight of me.
I leaned closer to Nikki and whispered, "There she is.  That's her.  Don't look now, but that's Jaymie."
Gotta give Nikki credit.  I would have given myself whiplash spinning my head around like that poor little girl in the Exorcist, to get a peek at the slut that had been the torment of my best friend for a year.  Nope.  Not Nikki.  She didn't even flinch.  She just kept walking but as we turned left into the ladies room, she cast a quick glance backward.

The thing about Jaymie that Nikki noticed immediately was her hair...or lack of it!  Nikki, wide eyed, blurted out, "What the hell is with that awful hair?"
I was astounded by Jaymie's new look, as well.  She had allowed someone to whack off her less than luxurious locks into a pixie!  It was such a bad alteration, I wondered if perhaps she had diced and cleaved it off on her own without the benefit of a reflective surface.  I know that in school she used to cut herself.  Maybe this was another form of self mutilation.  She looked like a scrawny school boy.  I confess, as small and superficial as it seems, this pleased me.

This is as good a place as any to pause.  The next post will be the End of Jaymie.  It will start with the news that Jaymie decided to change her mind.  I guess after getting another look at me, she decided she wanted a legal order with teeth.  No more Non-Clets.  She wanted it all on the record and listed with law enforcement.  Guess there would be a battle after all.
The End of Jaymie was gonna be an event to remember.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Best Laid Plans

God must have been of the opinion that I still had lessons to learn.  I was finally ready to accept the dreaded phrase "move on".  I was all systems go to actually embrace the idea with devotion and endeavor to implement those two previously spiteful, ill-conceived words into my life.
Before I was blessed with the supportive wisdom from the members of the Healing Heart, if anyone had told me it was time to "move on"....let's just say it wouldn't have gone well for them to remain anywhere within ear shot of my retort.

The relief I felt when I told 'D' that I wanted to accept the Non-Clets restraining order and NOT have to go to court was more than remarkable.  PLEASE, all of you that plot revenge on the affair partner in your head for fun, try and understand how incredible it feels to let her go.  It is a true adrenaline rush of self satisfaction.  The best gift you can give yourself.

I told you earlier, I thought I'd let Jaymie go weeks before this restraining order issue.  I firmly thought I'd removed that ugly monkey from my back, but it wasn't until this day that the release felt genuine.  When I actually chose to NOT jump on the chance to ridicule Jaymie publicly, I was amazed at myself.  Maybe that's the same way an alcoholic feels the first time he turns down a cold beer on a hot day....stupified but elated.
I felt victorious.  I felt liberated.  I felt empowered.

The next day, Sharon got Jaymie to sign the agreement.  I stopped by 'D's office on the way to work and signed it as well.  I didn't even review it.  I knew what it said, in way too many lawyerish words it said I had to stay away from Jaymie.  I didn't care how many ways the attorneys could write about no contact.  No need to read any of it.  In simple words it said...Let Jaymie Go.

Drove on to work as usual, right past the hotel where Jaymie and Richard had spent their last night together and I paid it no mind at all.  I was too busy basking in the glow of my emancipation!  I had been delivered from the bondage of obsession.  I know...I'm just repeating myself, but I so wanna be certain you get it.  This was a phenomenal leap forward for me and it felt glorious!

The whole day at work all seemed right with my world.  I knew it wasn't ALL right.  I knew Richard and I still had a long journey on the Road to Happy, but I was focusing on my successful first steps.
I was still floating on wings of hopefulness and well-being as I drove home when my cell phone rang.  It was Richard.  I was happy to see his name come up on the caller ID.  I knew he was pleased I had chosen wisely and avoided further confrontation. joy filled day was about to screech to an abrupt halt.
You know what they say about Best Laid Plans, right?  I had such high hopes for Plan A!  Crap!

"Hi, Honey.  What's up?"
"D called.  There's a problem with the order.  The judge refused to sign it."
"What?  Huh?  What are you talking about?"
I am always so articulate when caught off guard.  Not my fault, really.  Once again, my brain just wasn't able to process such nasty news very quickly.
Richard continued trying to clarify what he meant.
"The judge says he wants to hear the case.  He insists we all appear tomorrow in his courtroom."

Holy Shit!!  I already knew what he meant!!  He should just shut the fuck up!!  I needed a minute to shove my freshly battered brains back into my skull!  My heart was about to pulverize my insides and  I doubt there was a whole lot breathing going on.  Between gasping for small gulps of air, I managed something like this:

"How can he do that?  We both signed the papers.  We both agreed.  How can he do that?"
"He's a judge, Honey.  He can do whatever he sees fit.  'D' is still working with his clerk trying to get the judge on the phone.  It's not a done deal yet.  I wanted you to know exactly what was happening as soon as I knew.  It just doesn't look good."
"Well, fix it!  I can't handle anymore!  I do not want to see her, Richard!  I don't know what I'll do if I have to see her! Fix it!"

And then, he apologized.  In the past year, I heard that man say I'm sorry more times than any person should ever hear anyone utter any words in any lifetime.
He was so sorry that he was the cause of it all.  Sorry was not gonna help now.

The next day, I would have to rise and shine and face the Bitch Whore.   What a difference a day makes!  In my momentarily clear and jubilant mind, Plan A meant I was done with Jaymie.
Now, I had to face Plan B.  What the hell was Plan B?  The freedom to take another whack at taunting, humiliating and exposing Jaymie for the fallen woman (girl) she was?

This time I wasn't falling back on that version of Plan B.
I remained steadfast in my desire to "move on".

So what would Plan B look like?  I couldn't picture it at all.
I needed my new best friends, the clear thinking, enlightened members of the Healing Heart.  They would be there for me.  They would know what to do.  They would be able to visualize Plan B for me.
I couldn't get home to my computer fast enough.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

The Home of the Brave

I love the 4th of July, Independence Day!  I love everything about it.  I love time off to enjoy the company of family and friends.  I love baseball, the beach and a good barbecue.  I love hot dogs, hamburgers, potato salad and s'mores.  I love wearing red, white and blue, especially the cool 4th of July t-shirts you can get for $5 at Old Navy every year.  I love fireworks.  I love our flag.  I love our country.

I did not plan on writing a post today.  I have been gearing up for a festive celebration at the beach tomorrow.  Packing up all the trappings needed for an early get away to the coast to celebrate our country's declaration of freedom with thousands of my closest friends.  (It's gonna be a zoo out there and I love that, too!)

::::Adding this little factoid on July 5th;  There were over a million people on the beaches of San Diego yesterday!  CRAZY!  It cost us $50 to park!  Worth it!!  So fun!::::  

As I was loading the back of my car and humming Yankee Doodle (Really, yea.  I do that.) my brain drifted to thoughts of the real meaning of the holiday.  The signing of the Declaration of Independence.  Such a monumental, historic day!  How brave those men, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, to name but a few, were knowing that if they signed their names to such a treasonous document and were captured by the British, they would be hung, at the very least, probably drawn and quartered, too.  Amazing courage!

From there, my brain shifted gears again (ADD much?) to how brave we, betrayed spouses, are as we do the work to recover from the trauma of infidelity.   Whether we ultimately decide to stay or go, the courage required, the fortitude, the grits and the guts to survive and thrive after adultery are pretty damn close to heroism.

A reach?  Not in my book.  So I decided to come back to my computer and share some of these thoughts with you.

To heal we must declare ourselves independent of the need for any guarantees, not that we ever had any to begin with, but it sure felt like we did before DDay, right?   We renounce the shelter of the safety net that used to be our previously loyal spouse.  We boldly take control of our own destiny, not able to ignore the possibility of future peril, but able to function in spite of it.  We debate the infinite number of issues between staying or going.  With great intensity we weigh the pros and cons of leaving the cheater and starting over alone, or reconciliation with someone that nearly destroyed us.

That takes some serious chutzpah, People!  It's not fearlessness.  Nooooo!  Not even!  Far from it!  It is wicked scary!  But that's why I decided to stop packing up the towels, beach chairs and sunscreen.  I had to tell you all how freaking proud I am of you!!  Of ME, too, for that matter!!  We are reclaiming our right to the pursuit of happiness!  We own it!  Maybe it took longer than we thought it should, but like our great Nation, nothing worthwhile ever comes without supreme effort and sacrifice.

If you haven't found your Road to Happy yet, I hope you still take a minute to give yourself some credit. When I was living in Crazy Town, I never gave myself credit for merely enduring.  Just enduring when life is spiraling out of control is an achievement worth celebrating.  This weekend, as you put one foot in front of the other, heading into another pain filled day, please remember...You are stronger than you think! You are a champion in the making and I am a BIG fan!

Happy Independence Day, my friends!