After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Monday, January 26, 2015

You Can Call me Elsa

Anyone totally over the whole Frozen phenomenon?  Anybody have a princess wanna-be kiddo that must listen to the infernal melody made famous by the extraordinary Idina Menzel?  Any of you HATE hearing the aggravating, trigger making, insipid recommendation ..."Let it Go"?

I was never a fan of those three words and I could do without hearing that song ever again BUT....
You know what?  I'm thinking it might do me a world of good to Let it Go.

(WARNING...this post may cause you to feel nauseous due to plentiful Polly Anna Platitudes...all delivered with the best intentions)

 I'm embracing my inner Elsa.  I'm starting to think life might be too short to hold on to anything that doesn't bring me joy or peace of mind or love or satisfaction in some positive way.  Rhetoric like that used to make me wanna hurl as my eyes rolled back so far in my head I could see my own brain, but I'm trying to Let that negative attitude Go.

I'm fairly certain all betrayed spouses are forever changed in many ways after DDay.  For me, that reality is undeniable.  Before DDay, I was a force to be reckoned with and most people will tell you I could hold a grip on a grudge for longer than I care to admit, but I wasn't really into the revenge enterprise nor did I dwell on payback.
For the first year after DDay, I was harder, colder and more willing to put up a fight to the end than I have ever been in my entire life.  I built walls around me, named those walls Crazy Town and proceeded to make sure my new dwelling earned it's named in a memorable way.  When I lived there, I wouldn't Let Anything Go!  Not a freaking thing!  If something ruffled my feathers or chapped my bootie, I held to it as tight as a hungry python wraps up a long awaited meal.  It took me days or weeks to digest my anger over minutia that I made into mountains.
Looking back, it pains me how much time I lost being pissed off.

Guess I'll have to Let that regret Go.

What brought me to this well of divine acceptance?
The trivial dispute with aforementioned SI Crazed Web Master.  I was ready to sue the bi-yotch.  Give many hours of my life away that I'd never get back just to have the last word.  I felt I had to stand up for myself.  Convince her she was wrong about me.  I couldn't let her think she was right.
Well, that was just wrong.  You all told me as much.
The only choice is to Let it Go.

Letting Go is scary for many reasons.  Remember playing on the monkey bars as a kid? Tough to Let Go and drop down, right?   Or, when we teach our kids to ride bikes, we push them along and at some point, we gotta Let Go and hope (trust) they won't fall and break a limb!
For betrayed spouses, it's so different.  Emotional Letting Go is the most frightening of all.
When we try to Let Go of our pain, our anger or our sorrow it feels like we're allowing our self-centered, self-indulgent, cheating partners off the proverbial hook.  If we Let Go of the brain worms, the hatred of the OW or our soul protecting mistrust we are opening up our battered hearts to potential annihilation.
I was never good at Letting Go, even before DDay.  After DDay I took that undesirable, isolating personality flaw and amplified it 100 fold.  This little confrontational episode, with a great deal of help from you, may have saved me from myself.
I took a step back and like Elsa says, "It's funny how some distance, makes everything seem small and the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all."

I would never suggest that anyone struggling after DDay, "Let it Go."  To each her own time frame.
But for me.....I'm really gonna try to Let More Go.  I don't wanna harbor negativity anymore.  It leeches into all parts of my life.  It causes collateral damage.
If I let the actions of others influence my attitude, then I have nobody to blame but myself.
I can't see myself Letting Everything Go.  I mean, I have quite a bit of cynical DNA hardwired in, but I will remember to TRY and Let it Go whenever I can.
As far as Holding on to DDay anger...Sing it with me...
"I'm never going back...The Past is in the Past.  Let it Go!"

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

What to Do? The Bitch be Crazy!

What to do?  What to do?
I really don't wanna make a mountain out of ant hill, but I'm pissed because I was publicly dissed!  I guess I should tell you right up front that this has nothing to do with Richard.  He's pissed about this burr in my bootie, as well.  Although, he cusses about it much  less.  Who is the target of my infamous wrath today?
THE WEBMASTER of Surviving Infidelity.  

In my last post I told you that someone had started a thread on SI about my blog.  It raised the number of page views here on my sordid story substantially.  After I commented on that thread, it was locked by the board moderators.  I didn't really know why at the time.

Got an email from a moderator because I had asked for help figuring out why my post showed up on the thread as Robin***??  Don't know Robin and I apologize for accidentally hijacking her username.
The moderator was most helpful.  She worked to correct the cyber snafu, suggested I re-register.  She then explained to me that promoting my blog was not allowed on their site.
No sweat.  It's not like I'm looking to raise the advertising revenue on my homepage.

I posted a few more times after I re-registered as Shawnthewife. That's what I thought my username was three years ago when I checked out the site the first time, a year after DDay, when I finally figured out I might find help healing online.  It was right about when I started this blog.

Turns out, back then I registered as Betrayed Blogger.
Quite catchy and memorable, right??
Not so much.  I had no clue.
I can't remember what I had for breakfast by lunch on most days.  Who in the hell remembers usernames from three years ago??
Anyway...I posted a few more times.  Thought maybe I'd give SI another shot.  I hadn't liked it back then.  Too big.  Too impersonal.  Too crowded!  The Healing Heart was a much better fit.  Not always a lot of action, but when you need the select few that have been on that board for years, they will never let you down.  You get to know the pain laden souls that pass through pretty well.  We become like family after just a few exchanges.  I'd sing the praises of that fabulous forum further, but I digress.

In a few subsequent posts on SI that day, I did mention my blog, not in every post, maybe half.  I never gave the name and I certainly never posted a link.  Here's where the trouble started...

The person that originally started the thread about my blog, started another thread asking why the first had been locked??  She posted:
Does anyone know why my post about a blog was locked and want that even means? I think I have become the rebel of SI. Me, a Midwestern housewife.

And after a few other responses I wrote this:
After several emails with SI administrators, I think I know. 
It was a couple of things. First, I had that weird log in issue. When I commented in your thread about my blog, it showed up as Robin somebody. That little SNAFU had to be checked out by the web master. 
Plus...I was chastised not to promote my blog on this forum, which I never intended to do. I mean, I haven't for 3 years. Why start now? I think when you posted a link to my blog they took that down pronto. was locked due to concern of possible blog promotion and technical web site buggery. 
Anyway...I think that's what happened. Either way, I'm really glad you posted because that post brought me back here. Lots of amazing, constructive, compassionate conversations happen here. 
I still have much to learn about life after an A.

And then we hear from The Webmaster, AKA - Mangledheart.  She didn't care for my comment one little bit:
 First, I've read the exchange you had with the Administrator and you were not "chastised" in the least. The Administrator simply stated that this site was not to be used to promote your blog. Which by posting about your blog again you are clearly doing.
Second, I researched the records last night and your shawnthewife profile was originally rejected because you already had another profile at the time. You then apparently had someone register on your behalf a few days later using the name Robin*** which was approved. That is the profile you activated which is why it was attached to your post the other night on the thread C***e is referring to.

OK...I used flowery verbiage.  Maybe chastised was the wrong word so I apologized to her, via a very nice and professional email, you can read it below, saying just that.  I also asked why she accused me of misrepresenting myself and having someone register on my behalf?

I mean...WTF??  Who would do that and why??  SI isn't Homeland Security, for craps sake!  In the email, I told her I wanted a public apology because she just slandered me.  I hadn't done a thing wrong expect maybe express myself in too colorful a manner and reach out to some new recovering betrayed spouses.  I sure as hell never "had anyone register on my behalf".

She obviously thought me deceitful enough to block me for 24 hours from SI.   So, I wrote the moderator that had helped me reregister and asked why I was blocked?  Could they please clarify the rules about "promoting my blog" and I included the link I used to access the forum that had the weird Robin username.  They had asked me for it so of course I sent it.  I wanted to help figure out the problem.
Hell, I was the one that brought the weird username to their attention to begin with!! Why would I do that if I was trying to sneak around or promote my blog secretly or I just have no life and like to make shit up!!  UGH!  So stupid!!
The moderator must have sent my questions to the Crazed Web Master and it was ON!
When I received her first email, I had to step back, regroup and count to 50.   I instantly came down with Tourette's Syndrome!  Luckily, only my dogs where home to witness it.   I wanted to type something like - Bitch, you Crazy!- and hit send.
She had broken down every line of my email, twisting the words to suit her attitude!  That email was quite extensive, so I won't copy it here, but she made her point quite clear.  She thinks I am a big, fat fucking liar looking to lure poor betrayed spouses.  She used nicer words, like blatantly false statements, but her opinion of me was woefully apparent...big, fat fucking liar.

Instead of sending the Crazy Bitch remark email,  I took a deep breath and paused to regain composure.  More flies with honey and all that.  I replied with this:

MH;  Sorry to bother you as I realize you are probably a volunteer, but I hope we can discuss this misunderstanding further.  You publicly accused me of misrepresenting myself on the thread to all the members.  This is slanderous diatribe.  I never re-registered under a false name NOR did I have anyone do that for me.  I merely forgot I had registered previously under betrayed blogger.  That was years ago.  If you believed there was major policy violations taking place you could have locked the thread or removed it completely.  Instead, you chose to “chastise” me on a public thread on your forum, blatantly questioning my honest intent.

I truly do not want this to go any further.  I am willing to let it go, but I deserve a public apology for your false statement regarding my integrity.

Oh..and about the word “chastised”…..  I guess I’ll have to ask for your forgiveness for my flowery vocabulary as I never meant it to sound derogatory.  If you google the definition you’ll see…yes it can mean "criticized severely" but it can also mean "to restrain or refine”. 
Please remember, I came to the admin volunteers first asking for help re: the Robin username.  Why on earth would I do that if I was being subversive?
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Thank you for your time,
Shawn, the wife

After receiving the following reply, I began to understand that this volunteer must have some kind of Napoleonic persona and lots of time on her hands.  She sent me this:

Above is the Google listed definition of chastise.  This is an obvious attempt by you to misrepresent what you intended with that post.   Anybody reading that post would have interpreted it as derogatory.  Chastise was archaically defined as restrain or refine.  Even the example you stated “criticized severely” is the second entry of the definition on  The first entry is “to discipline, especially by corporal punishment.”

By using that term you misrepresented your conversation with the Administrator.  You also lied regarding remembering the BetrayedBlogger profile.   Our server logs show the last activity on that profile was 2/11/2014 which was the same day you registered and were rejected as shawnthewife.

I stand by my statements.   It doesn’t matter whether you registered the profile Robin*** or someone else did it on your behalf.  You clearly activated the profile Robin*** which means you possessed the activation notice containing the activation link.  The server logs make that very clear.  This is not “buggery” as you also falsely stated.  

We deal with violations on our forums as we see fit.  I chose to address you publically with the support of staff because you lied about your conversation with the Administrator.   You also once again chose to talk about your blog and suggested our software was bugged and that caused you to post as robin***.  I will not allow your false accusations to stand unopposed on the website we have voluntarily operated for 12 years.

You can see where this is going, right??  No where fast...that's where.
This Power Crazed volunteer Web Master was right about one thing.  I did try to sign onto SI back in February, 2014.  I had forgotten that.  (Shocker.)  But, with my memory rebooted, I recalled that I had asked for help signing in back then because I couldn't remember my password or username.   In response to that request, the moderator sent me a link....The weird Robin one that I used this time.  I never used it then.  I guess my momentary interest in visiting SI passed rather quickly.  But I had saved the link so I used it this time around.  Are you able to understand any of this cluster fuck??
Truth...I have no clue what happened.  On the thread, I called it "buggery".  The Crazed Web Master didn't like that either.  My creative vocabulary was flagrantly misused according to her book of posting rules.
Damn!  She would hate my blog!!  LOL!

If you have read this far...thanks.  I'm am sure most will have lost interest way before now.
Here was my last email to the Crazed Web Master:
Your vehemence is astounding!  I have no idea why you insist my intentions were to besmirch your volunteers!  Or, why you refuse to believe that I never intended to activate a profile that wasn't mine.  I only used the link that was emailed to me.  
I really don't want to make your job difficult, but I can't allow you to slander me publicly.  I did not lie, not once.  
Perhaps it is best if you and I do not continue our discussion.  If you have a superior at SI, I would like to address them before I seek legal recourse.  Please forward our correspondence to the person that I should be addressing.
I am truly sorry you have chosen to assume the worst in the situation.  This is a mountain made out of a pathetic mole hill.
I will expect to hear from someone in authority by next week or I will contact an attorney.
Once again, I thank you for your time.  I only regret it was not more productive.
Shawn, the wife

Haven't heard a peep from her.
Richard thinks I should call an attorney.  Actually, he already did.  I just have to follow up.  Richard says it's not so much slander as liable because it was a false accusation in written form.
I think I have bigger fish to fry.  I mean laundry seems like a bigger fish than this bullshit but I am more than a tad pissed.  If I never post on SI I care?  The posts about me and the blog are probably buried deep by now.  That place has some massive turn over.
If I turn the other cheek am I condoning the Crazed Web Master's misrepresentation of me?
What to do??  What to do??
What would you do??

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Missed You!

In over 3 years, I have never been away from this blog for such an extended length of time.  I was checking for new comments every few days, but rarely responding and never staying on the pages for more than a few minutes.  I took a break for numerous reasons.

First:  Hello, Holidays!  The velocity of life most surely amps up during December leaving little spare time for contemplating matters as lofty as infidelity.

Second:  I have no interest in typing just to take up cyber-space.  Most of my posts over the years had purpose.  I needed to fix me.  I was compelled to tell my story to help me heal.  Hopefully it has served to guide a few other betrayed spouses to find their own Road to Happy, as well.
Until today, I had nothing worth sharing. (this one might not be either!)  I have been skipping on down my Road to Happy (LOL!  Now, that's an image!) with few speed bumps.  I may have crossed onto a trail known as "Ordinary".  My life feels almost conventional and typical, but not unexceptional.
:::Anyone that ventures into Crazy Town (me me me!) and finds their way back out deserves the label of exceptional. Our lives are exceptional in that we have survived severe trauma.  As those of you reading, beat back the beast of betrayal, remember to recognize small achievements as you walk on and give yourself props.  Negativity abounds during recovery.  Open your eyes to the positive:::

Third:  The page views of this story have jumped from around 300 - 500 a 2000!  I briefly considered Kim Jong Un might have interest in adultery!  But, nope.  South Korea hasn't been reading.   It's almost all from the good ole' USA.  I've learned a couple of things about navigating around the world wide web and I spent some time searching for the new traffic sources.  Here's where I ended up....Surviving Infidelity.
A member of that gigantic online support forum had found my blog and shared it with the group in a post that was later locked.  Not sure why, but no matter.  The message was delivered.  It seems that lots of betrayed spouses, hoping to reconcile, think my story is...what's the word???
Compelling?  Informative? Entertaining?
I think it's more like Cringe Worthy!!!  Whatever the reason, I welcome them to the family and hope they share their stories.  As I always say, walking the Road to Happy is so much smoother when you walk with others that have crossed the complicated paths previously.

And Lastly:  I miss you, People!  I wasn't pandering when I called the readers here "family".  Many times you have been my lifeline.  I thought writing it all down would help me heal, but that would never have been sufficient.  You, my friends, were a crucial part of my recovery.  You held my hand and dragged my ass out of Crazy Town.  I'm forever grateful.
I couldn't stay away any longer.  Still, I don't want to bore you.  I hope I never forget that I am writing for all of us now.  If you could, please take a minute and comment about what you want to talk about.  Let's make this a community blog.  I've never claimed to be a sage or expertly knowledgeable about recovering from an affair.  You all have the same thing I do...experience.   That's worth sharing.

It's been too long.  I promise to try and step out of my typical life.  I'm gonna get back on the Road to Happy with you more frequently.
Happy 2015, my Dear Readers!!  Hope & Hugs!