After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

My 100th Post

A Year After the Affair began as a cathartic virtual diary of sorts.  I needed an out of the box idea to move myself forward out of the bleak reality I had lived in since DDay.  When I registered for this blog on E-Blogger, it was called BlogSpot then, there was no thought given to what my story might do to/for others that had been touched/brutalized by an affair.  It was all about me and maybe a little about Jaymie.
At first, I did think maybe I could use this as a tool to further embarrass Jaymie.  Thanks to the Gods of Cyber Space, soon after I hit publish on my first post, I found the Healing Heart.  The members on this support site, that I recommend very highly, schooled me pronto about staying away from the other woman.  Still for the first few months, I had all of our last names right up in front for the world to view.
I even added a couple of nice pics of the three of us.  One of Richard and I celebrating his 60th birthday at Pebble Beach just nine short months after DDay, arms around each other looking as happy as newlyweds and Jaymie's Google+ mug shot.  Shared both with anyone who found their way to my homepage.

No doubt when I began the blog, I was still residing in Crazy Town and I was frantically looking for a way out.  It was over a year after DDay and even though there were many days that I felt nearly normal, there were more that felt like I was living a cowardly life, too afraid to admit my marriage was a facade.  We would not be able to survive Richard's infidelity.  I hoped by beginning to write, I would find a way to reveal the truth of what my future would be and how in the hell I'd ever get there without ending up in a straight jacket.

This is my 100th post.  I am very proud of how far I've come since the first day I began to write, 12/01/11.  I'm still very selfish about it.  I write mostly for me.  I still need to get to the end of my Crazy Town adventure because that's how I have learned to let it go.  Type it, read it, briefly revisit the pain then exhale.....Ahhhhh....bye, bye unmerciful memory.  Inhale and breathe in what brings me joy today.  There is so much.  I am very blessed.  I am extremely grateful.

A blessing I never forget to count is you.  You have changed much of the direction of this blog.  You gave me an additional constructive reason to write.  If the blog had remained just a negative narrative or a tragic tale of my old news, I do not believe I would have been able to walk this far on my Road to Happy.   For me to continue to rejuvenate my happiness, this can't be all about me.  I want this blog to be more than a record of my time in Crazy Town.  I want it to be a place of recovery, a place for those of you that are struggling to find the strength to repair your damaged life.

The fact is... I NEED you people! Many of you thank me for aiding in your recovery, but you always return the favor ten fold.  You are my new drug of choice.  Jaymie is out, my readers are in.  I guess it's like switching from a crack pipe to a treadmill.  Both can be addictive but obviously one is the better choice if you wanna live a happy life.  Is that a shitty metaphor?  Yeah...probably.  But, even after 100 posts, my writing will never win any literary awards.  You're not gonna get Hemingway here, but you'll always get straight shooting.  I tell you exactly what I think.  I pull very few punches.

Each of us is in a different phase of recovery.  No two people find their way out of Crazy Town the same way.  However, I have noticed that many of you use my story for a bit of a vicarious thrill.  You're too smart to lash out at your spouse's affair partner, so reading about my antics brings you a small measure of not-so-guilty pleasure.  Am I right?  It's OK to admit that.  You'd have to be true saint to never wish ill will for the affair partner.  Hell, you're a Mother Teresa clone if you never imagined them boiled in oil or flattened by a steam roller.  If reading about my feeble attempts at payback bring you some tiny amount of titillation, feel that shiver of possibility then remember I have proven beyond any doubt, it ain't worth it.

Here's what we can do:  If you wanna let it all out, declare your rage with the other woman/man, do it here.  Write them a letter, say all you need to right here.  Write it, post it or delete it.  It worked for me.  Maybe it can help some of you, too.  Tell them exactly what you need them to know.  Get it out of your broken heart and off your chest.

I'll start.  My letter to Jaymie today will be much different that it would have been 100 posts ago.  Here's what I would write to Jaymie today:

Jaymie,  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I wasted nearly a year of my life focusing on you.  I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough after finding out about your affair with my husband to put my pain on him.  I'm sorry that I didn't know how to handle so much grief.  I'm sorry that you had a front row seat to witness my pathetic attempts to repair my shattered heart.  I'm sorry that I was so confused and damaged that I actually thought you might help me heal.  I'm sorry I let my shock and anguish blind me to the uselessness of your existence in my life.  
I'm stronger now.  I'm smarter now.  I'm so much healthier and happier now.  Richard and I love each other more everyday and I am grateful I gave him the chance to prove to me he is truly sorry for the mistakes he made with you.
Life is good.  I'm done with you. 
But, I'll share this bit of your back.  The karma bus could be right around the next corner and you know you're due for a ride.

That felt kind of good!!
Your turn.  If you think it might bring you any relief at all, start typing!
Writing can be such a powerful healing tool.  I can surely vouch for that.  You don't really need to write 100 posts to find your path on the Road to Happy.  Sometimes one good rant will start your journey.
Thanks for reading my 100th post, but mostly, thanks for joining me on my Road to Happy.  I never could have come this far without you.


Anonymous said...

Glad you wrote about the karma thing.

I never use "karma" ever. The reason is: If I tell someone that, then that means, to me, what the hell did I do to deserve this? Then I must have done some bad shit to be in a situation to tell someone else, Karma's a bitch.

So, what do you think you did to deserve this karma?

Anonymous said...

I liked your letter to jaymie. But in your defense she should have known better. Especially given her Christian background. Also you were a bit hard on yourself. You understood that if you took out your pain on Richard your relationship would not have survived.

Good luck

PS I hope that Karma does come back to haunt Jaymie. I hope that one day her husband steps out on her with a younger woman. And I hope that you are able to hear about it... and giggle.

Anonymous said...

You tried but you didn't succeed. Its pretty obvious you were putting on a show for this man that was from another world. You come from the gutter, but you haven't really pulled yourself up from it. No, you can't have my lifestyle or try to bring up my children, they now laugh at your tattoos, cheap clothes, silly hair and trying to look 20 when your passed middle age.
My husband thought you were up for it ( which you were) but he felt disgusted when he left your hovel of a flat. He hated your arse and your short legs, he felt your vagina was too loose, he couldn't stand the amount of fake tan and the smell it gave off.
He didn't mind that you were thick and uneducated as he wasn't bothered about the conversation and it made his bullshit more believable.
He hated your stories about how many men fancied you, only because it made him feel so silly as he thought to himself, what fool could fancy this, but I must be a fool for shagging it.
He really used you, but I think you used him too. Cheaper than those batteries.

P said...

(Sorry this is so long! It does feel good to write : )

Here is what I would say:

It is now about 2-1/2 years since you were last involved with our family. It truly took me a full 2 years to feel safe and sane in my own life again, but I am OK now. We are all actually OK now.

I am never going to forgive you, pity you, or try to understand you in any way. I don't owe you anything, and if I want to "blame" you for all eternity, I will. You were a stranger who came into our family and stole money, attention, time, and energy that belonged to my children. You never gave any thought to what was in their best interest, and during the time you were pretending their dad, my husband, was your "boyfriend", our kids did truly suffer. Our family was in danger of almost falling apart completely. Because of your lack of concern for my kids, I will never forgive you.

Though I will always truly despise you, I have learned how to move that emotion to a far place in my heart and mind. You aren't something I really think about much anymore, and I am certain that time will make you even more of a nothing to all of us. I have found that I no longer need to speak of you or learn more about you.

For what it's worth, my husband and I did not have a strong marriage before and during the time you were involved in our family. That does not mean what happened was OK, reasonable, justified or expected. It just means we did not have a strong relationship at that time of our lives. (We do now.) Sometimes, when people are together for years and years, those times happen. You will never know or understand that because even though you are nearing 50, you have not had an actual long term relationship in your life.

A few days ago, I forgot your name. Sure, it came back to me after about 20 seconds, but for those 20 seconds, I realized I have given you so little thought lately that I actually forgot your name. You are becoming less and less.

I have never spoken to you, and I have no desire to. About a year ago, my husband and I were talking, and he told me, "it could have been anyone." I used to think something about you must have been so great or so special, but in reality, you could have been anyone because you just weren't important, or real, or a good person, or someone who was worth our kids even meeting once. You were truly just something irrelevant that kept my husband from having to deal with some of the real issues facing our family at the time. More than getting you out of our lives, he has had to step up and deal with some real issues, and he has. Each day he becomes a better person by facing and dealing with real life. The kids and I are proud of him, and we will always love him.

I guess sometimes the bad times make you more appreciate the good. We are still together, our family is OK. Life is OK.

I like to think about the relationship with my husband as a long, long book. We have had good times, bad times, rich times, poor times, drama, suspense, love, truth, lies, more love, more drama, and so much more. The book goes on and on, getting longer and more interesting. In about the middle, somewhere in little letters, you are noted as a footnote. Not even your real name. A footnote that no one even reads because no one cares. Just a footnote.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous #1: I do believe in Karma. Those were not just words. I don't think I did anything to DESERVE this. No one...absolutely NO ONE deserves this kind of pain, but I gotta taught me a whole lot.
I think that's what Karma means to me. Karma is the way the world teaches us lessons we need to learn. I needed to learn my marriage was not as perfect as I thought it was. It needed work. The affair was my kick in the ass, my wake up call.
Could I have learned that lesson in a much easier way? You bet, but Richard also needed a Karma kick in the ass. He was subject to a whole shit ton of Crazy Town for over a year. He learned selfish actions have consequences.
See how it works?? Asses kicked. Lessons learned...Karma.
I figure Jaymie may have already been hit by the Karma bus...that bus was named Shawn, but I hope she gets backed over again. ;-)
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous #2: Thanks for the vote of confidence. I don't think I'm hard on myself. I'm just really honest with myself. I know my behavior after DDay made everything harder. I was my own worst enemy. I can admit that now.
Jaymie's husband cheating on her? That would be pure golden Karma!! I like the way you think! But, truly, I don't wish the pain of infidelity on anyone, so maybe she could just get hit by a bus or have to live in her car for a year or so??
Naughty thoughts! Sorry!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Flaca said...

Wonderful post Shawn! I'm nearing my 2nd year into this drama. I'm nowhere near your perspective but I am so glad to read and learn from yours. you're right... dwelling on the OW is a waste of our time. They aren't worth it! Thanks as always, lady!

Karen Dunstan said...

Dear OW,

I don't wish bad karma on you. I barely even think about you anymore to even put the energy into such a thought. If anything I want to thank you. Thank you for being the window I needed to see into his secret life. If it wasn't for someone willing to give him an opportunity to show me who he really is, where would I be right now? So thank you. I am a smart woman. I will not stay with a man who cheated on me TWICE with two different women! Once was enough. I don't care if he begged & cried to stay. My self esteem is not that low that I am willing to put up with that. I will not come home from work everyday wondering if I should be where I am. I deserve more. And I have some years left to celebrate life never wondering what if. So thank you OW for helping me see who he was sooner than later. If it wasn't you, it could've been who knows who else. I wish you well.

Susan Rubinsky said...

I love that some people are posting their letters in the comments. This is the best blog ever about recovering from infidelity (I subscribe to a few). I absolutely love the unvarnished truth!

I just had to sit back to count. It's been 3.5 years since Dday for me. Everything is over in my case. No more crazy OW showing up drunk on my doorstep with her baby that was the result of the affair. No more lies from a man who continued to seek out the OW in the months and years after Dday. I've ousted that insanity from my life as best I can.

I'm so glad you mentioned Karma, Shawn. My ex is still in major court battles with the OW over custody -- the battles have been raging for over two years now. I know this because I still talk with my ex almost every day due to the fact that we were/are business partners and the one thing left between us is that. The OW has done such a tremendously good job of kicking his ass it feels as if all I have to do is sit back and watch Karma playout like a football game on TV.

At this point, I actually feel sadness for their child. I can't imagine this woman ever doing the right thing, for the good of her child. She holds him like a pawn. That is the dark side of karma. No child should have to endure that. I see my ex's pain over it yet all I can think is that he deserves it. But not the child. The child does not deserve it.

BS said...

I think all OWs will at some point experience infidelity from their spouse.

As my brother put it men are dogs, and most men will take the opportunity to cheat if it is thrown at them.

A man of high net worth and good looks is often a target for unscrupulous young women looking for a free ride, without having to pay any dues to help the man earn his good income.

These type of women come on strong.

My brother insists that a majority of married men cheat, at least once, but don't get caught.

As for Karma, I agree with Shawn, it is not necessarily a payback for negative behavior, although it can be. It is just as often a way for the universe to teach us a lesson we need to learn.

Mine was that I needed to take my husband off that lofty pedestal I had installed him on.

Also, another lesson was to never fully trust anyone so innocently, and ever again give a man so much freedom to go out with the boys or on men's trips.

My brother warned me about that, too. But, I did not listen.

The freedom to engage in such activities makes it far too easy for a man to hide his cheating.

I have many lady friends who never allowed their husbands such freedoms and warned me not to allow mine to have them. I scoffed but now know I was stupid to do so.

I did not listen. I trusted too innocently.

Also, It's my understanding that the person who initiates a hurtful action is the one who will later suffer punitive karma as a pay back not the one who was hurt.

So, even if a betrayed spouse were to make the other women's life miserable for a time, the betrayed spouse will not suffer punitive Karma because she was simply protecting herself, not being pointlessly cruel.

I do believe that Jaymie will end up married to a man who cheats on her one day.

He may or may not get caught, but if she catches him, perhaps then she will call Shawn and apologize.

Jaymie is very young, and despite her youth she is no where near as attractive as Shawn.

Richard, really, affaired down. So sad Jaymie had an open leg policy.

I seriously doubt that Jaymie will be as attractive as Shawn, when she is Shawn's age.

Hope said...


I’ve been following your blog for the last several months now and am happy that you shared your experiences with the world. I’ve been in a similar situation and can understand the healing power of releasing everything “on paper” because it allows oneself to say everything openly and thoroughly. You were put in a very unfortunate situation, and I’m glad that you’ve found your road back to happiness. Not everyone can say that after experiencing what you went through. Although you recognize some mistakes you may have made along the way, you had every right to feel angry, hurt, jealous, betrayed, etc…. and those emotions can definitely lead people to do crazy things!! I will, however, note that you still seem to (understandably) show a lot of resentment toward Jaymie, even in your closing letter to her. Once again, the focus was on her…… regardless of what you were saying in it. However, I also can see that you recognize deep down that your real beef was with Richard. It’s important to remember that Jaymie was in her early 20’s, practically still a child (albeit one who your husband obviously found attractive and intelligent) while it was your husband who was the real grown-up that broke a vow to you. I hope that Jaymie learns NEVER to do this with another married man in the future because she certainly wasn’t showing the makings of a quality person, but my real hope (for your sake) is that Richard didn’t just change his ways simply because he got caught with his last affair partner. Yes, people do often hurt the ones they love, but it’s obvious in this situation, and in all of the ones that came before the affair with Jaymie, that Richard loved himself the most. Lets just call a spade a spade. I’m praying for your sake that he continues putting you and your marriage first, and that all of these things happened so that he could be the one who went through the biggest transformation of all. I just hate that you were the one that had to suffer the most from it. Best of luck to you both in the future, and thank you again for sharing so openly.

shawn thewife said...

Hope: Thanks for praying for me. We can all use a little more of that and I appreciate it.
I do want to point out one issue with your comment:
You might read resentment into my letter, but the intent was to express regret. The letter was TO Jaymie, but written about how I feel about myself, not her.
I did add the little quip about karma, but mostly for a giggle. Jaymie has no hold on me anymore.
Any residual issues I have today are with Richard and my own crazy self. It ain't easy looking back at how broken I was, but I try to focus on the fact that I have done a pretty decent job of fixing myself. Not quite done, may never be done, but I'm diligent and determined.
So...not to worry! Jaymie no longer plagues me, but I sure don't care if karma eventually bites her in the butt either.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Susan Rubinsky: Why the kid? Why does he have to deal with all the drama? Selfish adults, that's why.
That is the karma twist I deplore. Others need to learn a lesson and loved ones get caught in the middle. Your WH's karma lesson may harm his child. Brutal.
So sorry for the child.
Hope you are on a smooth and steady path on your Road to Happy.
Hope & Hugs. Shawn

BS said...

The early 20s is not a child.


It so sad that society has provided an excuse for young adults to engage in negative behaviors by infantilizing them.

Karen Dunstan said...

I agree with Hope. Early 20's is very young. I still had a ton to learn at that age. I was still in college. I'm sure Jaymie learned her lesson and will never fall for anyone married again. Let's hope Richard has learned his lesson as well.

shawn thewife said...

Karen Dunstan: There's young and then there's selfish and ignorant. 24 ain't that young! I had been married for 2 years at 24.
Jaymie knew being with Richard was wrong. 15 year old girls in high school beat the crap out of each other fighting over boyfriends! ALL girls know you do not mess with a man that is otherwise attached...period.
It ain't rocket science.
That said...Richard knew how to play her. No doubt.
I do think he learned his lesson, but my eyes will forever be wide open.
Hope & hugs, Shawn

Kate M. said...

Agreeing with Shawn & BS. Early twenties may seem young, but it is certainly old enough to know better.

Congrats on your 100th post! Of all the blogs I've read during this difficult, life-changing year, yours is the one that has helped me the most. I can't say I got a vicarious thrill, reading about the stuff you did... I always feel such a mixture of things when I read your story. Empathy, pain, anger, but also, a kind of release... and often, you make me laugh in the midst of it all. I value the hell out of that, since laughter was in such short supply until recently. I notice I'm laughing more again. No doubt, months of being on Zoloft and good counseling has helped with that... but so have you and this community of wounded-but-healing warriors. While I did very little in the way of lashing out at the OW, it wasn't because I didn't want to- it was more about her being the bunny boiler type and instinctively I knew that any exchange of energy would only feed her and make the problem worse. In the very beginning I said enough to scare her away, I think... she thought I was the passive type and I let her know she was sorely mistaken. She cares greatly about her reputation and I think she realized that a menacing/harassment/stalking charge and restraining order would not be a good thing for her.
There have been many times I needed a reminder that what I must do is let the bitch whore go... and you have been instrumental in keeping my "angry self" in line. So once again, thank you Shawn. Your courage and honesty have been an immeasurable gift.

K Dunstan said...

Has nothing to do with rocket science but seems more of you NOT putting more blame on richard as you should. I think of my 24 year old niece & how young she is in her looks, her thinking, her smarts and everything....yes a 20 something year old should know better, not from school yard fights, more from common sense...however 60 year old man should know 10 times better than she. You really needs to stop focusing on her & by not focusing on her, I mean stop insulting her by name calling & all the other things you do. Take your own advice & let her go. She doesn't have to be a bitch or a whore. It makes you look immature & bitter and you are better than that. Why don't you ever call richard a dirty old pervert instead of calling jaymie a bitch whore. It seems more appropriate.

shawn thewife said...

KDunstan: There is plenty of blame to go around! Richard holds the largest basket of blame to be sure.
I lay the all the blame for his choices right at his feet and the stinking pile is as high as his ears.
If it makes you feel better...Richard WAS a scum sucking, low life dirty rotten baby banging shit-head! He was a lying, narcissistic pig of a man!

OR...maybe your looking for something like...Richard IS and always will be a selfish, philandering ass wipe with the morals of a penis flashing, sexual deviant!
If that's what you wanna hear, I'm not gonna be able to deliver. Richard WAS a cheating bastard, but now he's not so I guess I don't call him as many names as I do Jaymie because he has worked his cheating ass off to make amends.

Maybe you don't get it because my writing style, personality style, can be very sarcastic, cynical and irreverent. A favorite saying of mine is, "I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Doesn't matter because I rather be someone's shot of tequila anyway!"
I call Jaymie names because it's easy and who does it hurt?? I do not give a feathery, bird's butt about Jaymie so if I get a little giddy about calling her a ditzy, needy, dip shit, I'm going to continue to take the liberty. Doesn't make me immature. Doesn't make me bitter. It makes me a recovering betrayed spouse with a cathartic soap box.

Sorry if I disappoint you, but I like my blog just as it is. I like my life with my ex-cheating fuck-tard of a husband now, too. I love the filthy old, perv! LOL!
Oh, crap! Maybe I am a little immature!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

KateM: Laughter can surprise us after DDay. When we find joy in simple things again we can be sure we have made substantial progress walking our Road back to Happy.
This blog is all about release. I put it out there and walk on down my Road. If it helps others walk on, too...that is such a HUGE bonus!
You knew to let the bitch-whore go right away! Good for you, Sister! It ain't easy to keep the "angry-self" contained. You must be one very tough cookie.
Thanks for your kind words. They mean a lot.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

Karen Dunstan:

Are you a betrayed wife? It doesn't sound that way.

Perhaps you are the mom of a 20 year old girl who had an affair with a married man??????

If I am wrong, I apologize, but that is what you sound like.

I was a 20 year old girl once When, my married college Profs came on to me. I laughed at them.

When my summer job married bosses flirted I laughed at them too.

But, there were plenty of slutty women my age who targeted older married men. They tried to talk me into doing it too.

I had to much intelligence, pride and self esteem to get involved with a married, mid-life crisis male.

Those women knew exactly what they were doing. They liked the perks of dating an older married man.

They were whores and worse prostitutes because they wanted money and knew and older man in a long time marriage was vulnerable and would spend money on them.

Unless a 20 years old has a low IQ, she knows going after a married man is wrong.

If your daughter went after a married man, making excuses for her will only enable her to do it again.

Jaymie likely will never learn her lesson. She went after Richard for the perks. The perk was money she willing asked for and took to pay her bills.

Jaymie is a whore, and a prostitute because she wanted money. By age 20, a girl knows what a whore and a prostitute is and they don't behave like one.

Unless of course they actually are a whore and a prostitute.

BTW: if you were a Betrayed spouse you would already know we have all called our spouses similar names and worse.

The difference between Richard and my spouse and likely all the husband's of the betrayed spouses here is that they were not prostitutes, because they were spending the money on the whore women who enjoyed having money spent on them. The men were not taking money.

The outsider pushed for the affair, I saw the texts and emails. She was a shameless slut, hussy and money grubber.

My husband laughs at her now, too. He can't believe he fell for her ego strokes. He says when He sees her, now, he wants to puke.

A mid life crisis is a real emotional crisis and a 20 year old girl who goes after a 60 year old man likely knows exactly what she is doing by targeting a mid life crisis male.

The bottom line is Jaymie and the outsider in my husband's affair had an open leg policy strictly because they needed or wanted money.

That makes them prostitutes.

shawn thewife said...

BS: As much as I appreciate you landing on my side of this discussion, I gotta do a little fact check here.
Richard chased Jaymie like a hungry snake chases a mouse for dinner. He wined her and dined her to get her to drop her drawers. He told her everything he knew she needed to hear while handing out Benjamins. $$$ She ate it up.
No way the affair was her idea. I think she may really have been in love with him. She is very needy and has next to no self esteem. Goes from guy to guy, never on her own for long. She was easy pickings.

So...Richard owns the lion's share of the blame but I still say any reasonable girl knows better than to fall for a married man. Any girl that knowingly gives it up to a man that is already in a relationship is a nothing more than a selfish piece of skanky trash.

Your situation is far different from mine. Jaymie only tried begging Richard to leave me once. After he bailed on her like a bad investment, she got the message pretty quickly. I'm the one that continued to drag her sorry ass back into our lives.
That makes me nearly as simple minded as Jaymie!! YIKES! I've learned a lot. Hope she did, too.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

Hi Shawn:

I hear ya'.

Well, no one can say you let Richard off easy or made excuses for him.

Not after reading your post to me.

"A hungry snake." What a great descriptive word picture. :)

I am glad Jaymie back off, when Richard dropped her like yesterday's news.

I am sorry you are here, anyway. I am sorry we are both here. It sucks to know our spouses cheated. No matter who is to blame.

Anonymous said...

Oh Shawn, I just found your blog and you give me hope, so much hope. For now I will tell you that my DD was on July 22, 2012. I will write more one day, but for now I must put on my happy face, go pick-up my kids from school and take them to swim practice. Thank you for your blog and thank you for giving me hope. xx L

shawn thewife said...

xxL: I'm glad you found us. Sorry you had to look for us. Hope is what healing is all about. You gotta hang on to it. Hope for a better marriage. Hope for letting go of the pain. Hope for healing.

Now...along with the hope, there's a shit ton of work!! You gotta want it bad to fix what was so horribly broken. I'm proof that you can be nearly beyond repair and find a way to walk the Road to Happy.
We can have a stronger marriage after DDay.
Walk with us. The path is easier when you travel with friends.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn, I am really grateful I have found your blog. I am only 4 weeks post DDay, my spouse is a touring musician. I caught him 2 years ago with some inappropriate emails and I forgave him. 4 weeks ago I found out he was having an affair with his gym buddy, I refer to her as the gym rat. we live in a very small town, he brought her into our home, around our children... needless to say I am heartbroken and oh so angry. the entire friend circle knows and I feel like a fool. we started counseling and it is now known he has been cheating from the start of our relationship... quoted " sex addict", my pastor suggested I read your blog and I am so thankful I found it. it has kept me from marching into the gym and smacking the shit out of the gym on the edge of crazy town and your blog saves me everyday from entering. thank you for your story, your honesty and bravery for putting it all out there. I'm not ready to write my letter, but I just wanted you to know you have helped me. angry in az

shawn thewife said...

Angry in AZ: I can feel your pain through the screen! I am so sorry you are suffering. I can only tell you, it will get easier, just not for a very long time.

Healing after DDay is hard work. You have to heal yourself before you can begin to heal your marriage, if that is what you hope to do. It is so positive for you both to be in marriage counseling. Even better that you have individual counseling. You say your pastor suggested you read my blog?? Whoa. With all the "F" bombs I throw around, I gotta say that is surprising! However, he is right to have you seek out others that understand your struggle.
Please go to the Healing Heart online message boards. The link is on the bottom of my blog under "support & compassion found here". The members there saved me from myself. I don't know if Richard and I would still be together without their kind words and willingness to share their experiences.
You're already smarter than I was. You are keeping the OW out of your life! Good for you! Wrap yourself in the comfort of friends and be kind to yourself.
if I have helped you, I am grateful for that. I care very much about my readers. I know we need each other. When we walk the Road back to Happy together, the journey is at least a little easier.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Jen said...

Hey Shawn, thank you for your blog. I just wanted to comment, that the ow in our case is in her mid 40s and is a mother and wife. However, when reading her texts to my husband last summer upon dday...i finally took an opportunity to grab his unlocked was as if I had been transported back to Jr high! One would have sworn she was a 14 year old girl! She assimilated herself to movie characters and brought up private jokes, just like a teenager. So age and maturity level are 2 entirely different things. Obviously, she knew what she was doing was wrong. She said "it was forbidden" in her texts to my husband. Apparently she is still a child, incapable of thinking about anyone else but her self. She went after my husband, who is 15 years younger than her, because, and I quote "I had a crush on him". So much for age in years meaning anything. Btw my husband is doing everything he can to rebuild our marriage and even left his job to get away from the ow. So only in his 20s but leaps and bounds in front of her middle aged self. I identify a lot with you so much Shawn. thanks again. Jen

shawn thewife said...

Jen: OWs come in all shapes, sizes, ages and attitudes. The one thing they all have in common is a very weak moral compass!
The drivel written between Richard and Jaymie used to melt my heart. I took it as gospel while in Crazy Town. It took me a long time and many words of reassurance from Richard to recognize the bullshit for what it really was....a means to an end. Live the lie with vigor and deep passion and it doesn't feel so much like a lie anymore. Richard convinced himself that it was real love so he wouldn't feel so guilty about getting laid. I think maybe even Jaymie had an agenda, too. She NEEDED attention. She craved approval. She didn't hate the cash and other goodies either!

So glad to hear your WH is working to heal your marriage. As you walk your Road to Happy, we will be here if you need a map!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn, I have just found your blog a week ago and it has given me a lot of incite, so thank you.

my nightmare started 27th December 2014, I am 18 months into this hell.

A week ago I had a melt down, I was on my own in the house wallowing in misery and thought maybe if I read my diary I've kept since this started I could work out what still hurts, what I have recovered from etc. To my disbelief I still feel the same on many issues and no more forward than I was 18 months ago. I found a letter I wrote but never sent it to the spineless online whore who wreaked havoc in my family.

"It" was a fake, an online whore who reeled people into believing she was gods gift and my husband lapped it up along with several other men. I call it "it" because I am unsure whether it was a man or woman. A romance scammer who didn't get a penny out of my husband thank god. I had great pleasure showing my husband what a fake "it" was, how a website called tineye retrieves where a picture originates, what "it" was saying to other men whilst "it" was supposedly in love with my h, I exposed "it" within a day and I am no social media expert!

Back to the point I am writing.

The letter was so deeply wrote that it made me crazy, I had forgotten all about it but I still feel those things. My h disgusting childish behaviour still makes me boil with rage so much so that in my crazy moment I completely flipped, I tore up all my diary entries and the letter and chucked them all over the bedroom, I then went into the wardrobe grabbed our wedding memory box ( this affair started days before our anniversary) and threw everything everywhere then for good measure I threw all his clothes out of the wardrobe.

I believe in karma but I will never see that karma because the whore disappeared well before I found it all and that is what infuriates me I think. "It" can play sick games online anonymously and disappear without a trace. No consequences no nothing!! It's not fair these people have that power and I just can't shake that anger associated with it. So spineless! My h was a spineless online whore too I am under no illusion what the shameless idiot did and karma has hit him right in the ass, well deserved!

I am not saying I would of liked to confront "it" or beat the hell out "it" or anything else but how the hell do I get closure on this? There are days I want to ruin "it" because there are no consequences for the dreams and hopes "it" helped shatter in my family. The times we were starved of a h and father because " it" needed my h (pass the sick bucket).

I feel I will never be in a place of happiness despite my h saying otherwise. I don't think I will ever get over this.

Sorry for the ramble I found your blog after this incident last week and read all your posts up to this one so far, you have made me cry, laugh and I feel slightly jealous I didn't have the opportunity to bring all the spineless online whores to justice especially "it"!

Thank you


shawn thewife said...

I don't think any of us ever get "Over"this. We get "Through" this.
You gotta go through it. You can't go around it or over it.
Through it takes a long time, longer for some, but you will get through it.

You seem to know leaving "IT" alone is the right move. Good for you.
She can not help you. She means nothing to your recovery.

There are easier Roads to Happy than others. My Road began when I found the compassionate, supportive members of the Healing Heart message board. Please go to the site and join the group.
You can ask anything, tell your story, rant and vent or just read and learn.
The link is at the bottom of my blog.
You do not have to struggle alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...


I have spent way too much of my time and energy hating you, wishing Karma would hurry up and kick your ass. I thought I needed to watch you be punished to make myself whole again. Turns out I don't.

I need to let go of the control I have given you over my life. Don't get me wrong, if you ever try to approach me or my family I will scream "cheating whore" at you, but I will not allow you in my thoughts and dreams anymore. I will be free of you. I am done.


shawn thewife said...

You are gonna be on a very fast track to healing with that mind set!
Good for you.
Let the bitch whore go. Best advice we can share.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

There have been many things that I have wanted to say to you over this past year. All of them have been mean, nasty, judgemental and some even threatening. Since I have tried my best in this life to not cause harm to anyone, I won't say those things to you. However, if pushed, you could be the exception to my rule. One thing I will say to you is this, thank you. Everything that my husband and I have been through because of your three year pursual of him has only made our relationship stronger. So, thank you. Thank you for your part in making my marriage and life better.