After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Blood is Thicker than Truth

I've had a few conversations recently with other betrayed wives that feel the need or, more accurately, are obsessed with the thought of outing the affair partner/slut/whore-bag to her family and friends.  Welcome to my world for the first year after the affair.

There is something to be said about telling her husband.  I think that's different from telling her parents, her co-workers, her close friends or YIKES...her kids.  Her husband is directly involved, personally affected.  He deserves to know.  Does that punish her?  Let's hope to hell so, but chances are, you won't get to watch.  Bummer, huh?

It is perfectly normal after DDay to hate the other woman and want to see her suffer while we watch and cheer her demise.  Filling her loved ones in on her secret life sounds like a sure fire way to punish the bitch.  Not so much.  That incessant pull on your gut to shame the other woman won't work out the way you hope, the way you've imagined in your beat up brain.
It's a flawed plan.  I'm gonna tell you why.

First, no matter how badly you think you can hurt her, you can NEVER hurt her the way she hurt you.  Never.  The pain of a betrayed spouse is unique in it's magnitude.  You know that to be true.
And then there's this....the way we imagine the payback going down in our heads is usually not what transpires in the real world.  I'll use my mistakes to prove my point.  When I realized how scared Jaymie was of her parents finding out about her open legs policy, I thought it would feel great to tell her dad!  Couldn't wait to rub Daddy James face in the entire pile of steamy, hot bullshit!  I imagined the scenario would go something like this:  
Me:  Your daughter had an affair with my husband.
Daddy James:  What?  Jaymie couldn't be that stupid!  She slept with an old married man?  Oh, dear Jesus!  Jaymie!  Get your sorry ass in here!  Richard's wife, Shawn, is on the phone.  She says you have been engaging in sex with Richard.  Is this true?????

Yeah..I was looking for a big reward.  A drama filled ass kicking laden with humiliation for Jaymie.

So I did it.  Called him.  Told him.  No ass kicking to be heard.  Instead, he prayed for me.  After that call, I sobbed for hours.  Did I ever see any of the fallout?  Would I ever hear him rip his naughty kid a big, fat new one?  Did I get to know without any shadow of a doubt that Daddy James chastised his baby whore of a daughter for days?
Nope.  Nada.  Nothin'.  

As you know, I frequently gave in to my thirst for payback.  I hope you don't because the addiction of revenge wraps around your heart and if you don't get high enough off your efforts, you gotta go bigger.  Please let me save some of you ladies the trouble, the additional pain and the wasted energy.  If the person you tell is someone important in the other woman's life, they will care about her well being.  Yours...not so much.
More likely than not, they will take her side.  Blood is thicker than truth.  Blood trumps truth.  You spill your pain all over them and they lash out at you to fight it off.    
Just what we need.  More negativity in our lives after DDay!
They will take her side and if you persist, as I did, to remind them of their loved one's major mistakes, they will begin to hate you and it might get ugly.

Without my knowledge, and much to my chagrin, Geek Boy Kevin and Daddy James had joined forces.  Daddy James now knew I only went to his church in my efforts to score the emails.  I had no intention of seeking a divine repair of my broken heart.  
The email I received on August 19th, 2011 at 10:00am should validate my position above.
He copied Richard and the Pastor of the church.

Shawn:  Let me call this straight- This is pure bullshit.  You visited the church, sat in the back row long enough to gather some names, and left before the service was done. All in an effort to gain data to continue your vendetta.  (Jeff, sorry but I have to call it as I see it…)
 Just because someone greeted you does not mean you are in counseling.  If you show up at the church again, you may receive counseling, but not in the way you think. In my opinion the hole in your soul has to be pretty big that you continually try new things to fill it.
Do you think I’m that stupid to fall for this?  My relationship with Jeff is that I can tell him everything and not worry about what or how he feels about me or my family.  Believe me, he has heard worst- all your story did was make him very angry that you tried to use him and the church for your own personal gain (I have never seen him that angry before…interesting how he called me back two days later to tell me he was still fuming).  “Mess with the flock, and watch the shepherd go after the wolf”.
Ø  Get over it- you have stepped over the bounds and breached our written agreement.  I’m checking into my legal rights about that now.
Final word- Your predatory and aggressive behavior needs to be shut down.  You continually going after a 24 year old girl (just out of a broken relationship & lost job who was courted hard by a professional) by harassing her friends and trying to scheme up new ways to be a bitch shows you are exactly the type of woman who your husband didn’t want to be with.  Deal with the 55 year old professional man who has done this in the past and recognize he just ain’t happy with the woman he is tied to (although I can’t imagine why. You being all sweet and everything…).
Done done done… I do not want to hear from you Shawn EVER again! I do not want you to call anyone that has a relationship with Jaymie. I do not want to have anyone stalk her or anyone in our circle of friends. Phone calls, emails, it all stops now!
Richard, you handle this from now on.  She is a pest and a bother and frankly; I’m tired of her poor behavior.  If she isn’t happy with her current arrangement, you fix it.  We did what we had to do based on what she wanted for closure, and we closed the door. I have the signed agreement that we fulfilled- I guess her word is not worth the paper it is written on. Again, I’m taking as much legal action as I’m, allowed to in this instance. 
Richard- if you want all of the emails and the records of her phone calls to our friends, we can deliver them to you for proof of her vindictive and threatening behavior. We do not feel safe with her stalking us, and will alert the proper authorities and get her off of the street.  (I believe there are laws enacted as a result of Nicole Simpson’s death that have strong bearing here).
You have permission to respond to this email. Shawn does not.  Jeff- thank you for your standing with me on this.  I covet your prayers for wisdom as I go forward with this.

 I had spread the ugliness that was the affair all over the fucking place.  I told Jaymie's parents, her new boyfriend and her old boss.  I gained nothing from any of it.  There was no relief from the black hole of my life to be found from outing Jaymie to her friends and family.  After I read that email, I spent days more depressed than I had been in months.  Crushed emotionally and mentally.
Spare yourselves.  Blood will always be thicker than truth.  Focus your efforts at home where your Blood resides.  I wish I had.


Anonymous said...

As I have read your blog for a long time now I wonder how this is helpful. I grew up in a family where my dad had a long time girlfriend. My parents are still married. The affair ended. My mom never once acted like you. Her problem was with my dad. He did it. Yes the girl was a willing partner. So your husband did it. With a child almost. And your behavior is just as shameful as theirs. I fear what your children have learned from all this. You are still with your husband but you hang on to so much anger and hatred. Your forgave your husband. Let it go.
Make this blog about overcoming and the positive. Not the crazy negative.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I was with you for the first part of your comment, "how is this helpful" and "your husband did it" and of course..."your behavior is just as shameful". All true. BUT you lost me after "fear what your children have learned".
They are pretty much in the dark about everything after DDay. They know I was broken. They know we repaired the damage caused by Richard. They already knew I wasn't a person to screw with. They have seen me in action coming to their defense over the years.
You are also wrong about the anger and hatred. I write about what happened THEN. Sometimes I feel a twinge of the old ache of my broken heart, but I don't hate Jaymie NOW. I don't give a rat's ass about Jaymie NOW.
And you're wrong about forgiving Richard. Have not. Probably will not. What he did was unforgivable. I have accepted it and moved on. I don't see the need for forgiveness. It's just a word.
I try to share positive thoughts when I post updates from time to time. I certainly share them when replying to comments. The "crazy negative" is the story. This is a story. Most of my readers want to hear the end. I think the end will be the part when I started this blog. We're almost there.
I share all the "crazy negative" as an example of what NOT to do after DDay. I made so many wrong turns on the Road back to Happy. Maybe my mistakes can save someone else the trouble.
Thanks for your concern...but, I'm good. If the negative vibe bugs you, I'm sure there's lots of other infidelity blogs that are written with a lighter hand. Try one of those.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

TryingHard said...

Hey ANON, Head in the sand much?? How do you know what's in your mother's head?? Parents rarely discuss this kind of stuff with their kids. If you are a parent you will know what I am talking about. If you've even bothered to read Shawn's blog you would know this all takes place in the past. She's trying to help those who are in the beginning stages/months of discovery that their whole fucking world is NOT what the believed it to be. They are in shock and are reacting with their basest instincts. It's called survival and we all handle it differently. Who the hell are you to judge her??? This is her story, not your Mommy and Daddy's story. Back in the day women accepted the fact that well boys will be boys and we just had to suck it up. Those days are over. I don't know if you are going through anything like this and I hope you aren't because it is one of the most miserable places to be in life. And if you are, good for you that you didn't go to crazy town and you must be a verrry smart, strong, self assured person. There are great blogs for people like you where your wise words could help someone too. Go there and give your priceless words of wisdom. You may be all those positive things, but what you are NOT, IMHO, is a non-judgemental, empathetic, listening person. You may want to work on that.
Sorry Shawn didn't intend to step on your blog or speak for you. I just had my best friend of over 20 years say the most hurtful thing to me this week so much so that I am choosing to end the friendship permanently and I'm all good with it. So ANON hit a nerve!

shawn thewife said...

TryingHard: I am more than aware that my blog is not everyone's cup of tea. I also knew this blog would alienate many. I wrote a post that stated just that.

ANON may have a valid point in that I could/should share more of my life NOW. Add a little light to the dark, a bit of sane to the nutso!'s a bit of Sunshine for all those that care enough to read all the way through my blog post and deep into the comments....
Tomorrow is our three year DDay antiversary. Oct. 12th, 2010...worst day ever. Tomorrow...just a Saturday with a lovely family dinner planned for my daughter's birthday. I could be wallowing in self-pity. I could be tending the flame of rage and bitterness. I'm not. Not even a little. I acknowledge the day while feeling very proud of how far I've come. I still remember the pain my husband caused, but I only LIVE in the happiness he brings me today.

There ya go, ANON! Just call me Polly Anna!! LOL!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...


In your blog you wrote that you wished you had this below conversation with Jaymie's daddy.

"Me: Your daughter had an affair with my husband.
Daddy James: What? Jaymie couldn't be that stupid! She slept with an old married man? Oh, dear Jesus! Jaymie! Get your sorry ass in here! Richard's wife, Shawn, is on the phone. She says you have been engaging in sex with Richard. Is this true?????"

Shawn, I am willing to wager that all those above words were said to her.

I am willing to wager that the entire church is gossiping about her and not in a positive way.

Of course her friends and family banded together to protect her.

That doesn't mean she was not punished and chastised for her open leg policy.

Okay, so maybe you went a little too far in your approach and took too long to get everything out.

Still, I think you did the right thing in exposing her.

for the record, it is my understanding that exposing the slutty outsider who effs your spouse needs to be done rapidly and completely in a very short time frame

Also never warn the disloyal spouse about your plan because they will try to convince you not to do this.

IMO, exposure is necessary. Both people who cheated were wrong, and both need to suffer consequences.

Rapid and complete Exposure to the OW or OM's spouse, pastor, friends, family and absolutely anyone else they hid the affair from is the best approach.

Do not drag it out. Do it in one fell swoop like and eagle that swoops down and guts his prey quickly and cleanly.

People told me to do this, and I didn't.

They said I needed to do it for closure.

They were right and I wish I had listened to these more experienced people.

BTW: Your behavior is not shameful. It's normal after the enormous wounding of a betrayal.

What is shameful is Jaymie's behavior.

She knew Richard was married. Still, she took money from him to pay her bill's and likely gave him a BJ in exchange.

She also begged him to leave his wife and family to choose her.

How warped is that. Her behavior was slutty, abnormal, and shameful and yours was normal.

Anonymous said...

I think the church should support poor Miss Jaymie. But that includes helping her see the error of her ways. Teach her about making amends to those you have wronged. Teach her that her actions have consequences. Teacher her that hurting innocent people is wrong. It makes no difference if Richard held the door open to your home for her. She is 24 for God's sake, not 14. Quit calling her a girl daddy James, she is a grown woman. Doesn't sound as if anyone is helping her grow-up and be accountable for her actions. Shawn, your cautionary tale has saved many an other woman. let's hope that Jaymie finally grows up and finds a church to really help her be a better person. Perhaps she could counsel other young women about the consequences of this behavior so that she could perhaps spare future betrayed women also. Imagine that possibility.

steadychevy said...

Glad you posted again, Shawn. All the comments to Anon have been made so will stay away from adding.

I am 41 days DDay. Initially I had all sorts of hatred for WSs OM. I have and had vicious thoughts about what I would have done had I caught them in the act which I tried to do sveral times and failed. Even so, I still think about how I can inflict maximum mental anguish now.

I have come to realize that probably 90% of the blame is my wife's and 10% is the OM, Bruce. He had caused the end of his own marriage by committing adultery and then targeted my wife, a married woman. He is an integrity lacking scumbag. But he was on the prowl. It was up to my wife to resist and to have barriers in place to stop any advances and she did not. In fact she encouraged them. She regrets that now but the damage is done. In addition to a lengthy period of adultery were the multitude of lies and deception. A difficilt situation that we are working on.

My IC said something yesterday that was interesting. He knows that I have been following and participating in blogs and that they have been of great benefit to me. He asked "I wonder what your wife would blog if there was a blog for WSs" Good question.

Anyway, Shawn. Following your blog has probably made me think twice about some of the plans for revenge/massive hurt and distruction no matter the cost, etc. that I had. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn, Bunny here. I read this post and found myself wishing I could have outed my H's AP and former friend. Unfortunately her family (parents) and friends are fully aware of what she has done and you are right, blood is thicker... Her daughters had so many question she finally had to confess somewhat to them, but their father had to correct the lies and set things straight. Their twosome bubble is intact even if the rest of their lives are a bit shaky. She's trying hard to get her daughters and friends to fully accept their relationship. I know quite a few of her friend and I am completely disappointed in the fact they support them in any way.

I fantasized about the revenge, still do, but I will always err on the side where my son is safe and with me. Yes, if my fantasies were reality I would probably be in jail. I still hope I get to see their relationship fail horribly.
Probably the only fantasy that has any hope of coming true.

I thought seriously about writing to the school board she works for and trashing her attempt at a new "career" / online business on yelp, mobile notary in OC and SD counties but I don't think she has had any takers yet, which makes me smile!! I also thought a Kim Olovsson is a bitch and I hate her page on FB but I'm tired of wasting energy on her. There are just too many moving parts. Do you think hypnosis could erase all memory of her from my mind?

So my post when off topic, sorry. I just wanted to say blood is thicker that... I hope that holds true for my son and husband when she starts giving ultimatums... It's bound to happen, he wants me to remain a business partner and I am the mother of his only and perfect child so I have access to a big chunk of his life, she can't be happy with that (fingers crossed).

I hope ANON reads your blog from the beginning, maybe then ANON will understand your purpose. If not, You haven't lost this reader


Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn,

While what you did to Jaymie was over the top, I totally get you. I will never be able to do what you did but at the same time I have no sympathy for Jaymie and even her Dad. They will never even come close to understanding the pain you went through and you are still going through.

In Korea, infidelity is against the law. Although not commonly practiced now, it used to be that the wife and her gang would go to the mistress's place,beat her up good with bloody nose and all and also get to trash her place. I agree that it sounds barbaric but this was a socially acceptable outlet for the wife whose life must have turned upside down. A woman messing around with a married man and possibly breaking up the family deserves to be punished. Still, I always believed it's ultimately the husband who is to be blamed. The betrayal, the lies and deception...they are all done by him. I keep reminding myself of this whenever I feel that rage about to explode and want to do something to the other woman. i still love my husband, so I decided to forgive him but the internal struggle is still there.

Barb said...

Shawn, I've read through all your posts....and I love em. You and I have the same feistyness! Just thought I'd let you know
I'm one of those women who posted about outing the OW and wishing something could be done to stop another betrayal from happening within the context of our own realm of possibility. Now, I am not stuck in the phase of wanting to get revenge or out the OW. Like you, I don't give a rats ass about the OW involved with my husband. He's the one I have chosen to rebuild my life with and there is NO room for revenge. Having said that.....I DO get and HAVE BEEN frustrated that the OW seemingly gets off with no consequences and therefore can continue to do their part to ruin marriages. So, I have wondered out or what can I do - - me, myself and I to do what CAN be done to put a stop to at least ONE OW. Sometimes the only way a person can stop is to be EXPOSED, and held to account. I agree with BS on this one. Even though I have not 'outed' any of the OW my husband was involved with. It's been a year an a half for me from original D day. I don't dwell on it, but I am still considering doing what I can to out these people by tattling to their families. And I can say without reservation that I won't do it out of a revenge mentality at this stage of recovery. It's my opinion that if MORE of us would take steps to confront or out the OW or OM we could effect change. It's what wrong with our whole country. Nobody will take a stand for fear of repercussions. Please note: No threats or doing something illegal.
But If you are not willing to stand for will stand for nothing at all.

Pecult Lady said...

I agree with anonymous. I have been cheated on in the past & I never got mad at the other girl. Hell I even went shopping with one of them and played nicey nicey just to get the info I needed out of her. Another other woman I called & we chatted for an hour and she told me everything. I even told her she sounded really cool and if it wasn't for these circumstances, I'd probably hang out with her. It never helps to be mad at the other woman, it was your cheating playa of a man who made the commitment to you, NOT HER! Shawn's right y'all. You are only wasting your time with revenge. Aim the gun at the right person...YOUR LYING CHEAT SCUM OF A HUSBAND!

BS said...

Pecault lady:

Your behavior sounds like stockholm syndrome.

Wanting to hang out with the OW is of no interest to me.

And, I certainly do not relate to such sluts, and would never hang out with an OW, former, present or otherwise

As for the husbands, We have all commented that they took the bait.

As and OW you would surely understand the anger at the OW, too.

Are the husbands sluts for succumbing to the bait.

I don't think so, in my husband's case. I think he was stupid and selfish.

Most men have far less control when it comes to sexual stimulus.

BTW: you do know that studies consistently show that it is typically the women who instigates an affair because most successful men are afraid of a sexual harassment suit.

I saw emails showing how aggressively the horned out slut pursued my spouse.

It matters not, he is still in hot water, but so should the OW be in hot water.

As another poster mentioned if we all stood up and showed slutty women who cheat with married men that they, ,TOO, will suffer a consequence, than maybe they will stop shoving their hot wet vejajays's in the mans' face.

Most men suffer greatly when they find out, usually after the OW tattles or tells someone who informs the wife.

Oh yes, did I mention I found cellphone video in which the OW was masturbating and sent it to my husband.

She was moaning in the video and saying how wet she was for him, and her eyes were all glassy like a stray cat in heat.

If an OW likes stray sex so much, why not become a porn star and get paid for it.

My spouses never did anything similarly slutty in exhange.

In fact he was trying to break it off when she outed him.

She was bored with her husband and wanted to marry my husband.

She sent another video of her wet crotch and in it she was telling him he should leave me so he could have this. I assume this was her on display vejajay.

When he said he wanted to break it off, she went berserk.

Pecult Lady said...

BS: I appreciate your reply however, you don't know the details so I'm not sure why you chose to assume you did & comment. The one that I told on the phone that she "sounded really cool" did not know she was the "other woman" which is why I did not hold anything against her. Last thing I would do was hang out with that girl but I definitely didn't hold it against that she did not know he was in a relationship. His sneaky ass refused to let her know. I'm sorry if I struck a nerve if you decided to stay & reconcile. With all due respect, if I have stockholm syndrome, then you are a...well, you know what they say about assuming.

Kate M. said...

BS- with the exception of videos (although there were 'sexy' photos from the start and lots of pornographic emails) our stories sound pretty much identical.

To hell with these predatory sluts. And I have no patience for people who try to convince us that the OW deserves no blame. Bullshit. If someone knowingly pursues or responds to the advances of a married man, then some of the responsibility and blame belongs to that person too. I don't care if he's the only one who made the commitment to me. He's being held accountable for his part. That doesn't mean the OW gets a pass for being void of basic human decency. Not in my world.

Karma's calling said...

Kate M - I agree with you 100%. In my case both of my husband's long-term affairs not only knew about me, they KNEW me. One was an employee in our business and the other a married mother of two who came to my home two or three times for social gatherings. That one in particular was a piece of work. After the affair was discovered, she sent me a series of messages taunting me. She said that I was crazy and she hoped I would see a doctor for my "issues". She also rolled out the ol' line "if you took care of him at home, he wouldn't have needed to come to me". In some people there is a void where their conscience should be.

Anonymous said...

As much as everyone wants to blame blame blame the OW, it's your lying cheating husbands who didn't respect our vows. She is not loyal to you. He is! She did not walk down the isle with you. He did! The more you focus on the ow, the more your hubby gets away with murder, so to speak. There are going to women out there who don't give a shit about a stranger like you. That's like being mad at a robber for robbing your house because your husband left the front door open. NO, YOUR DUMB ASS HUSBAND DIDN'T CLOSE THE DOOR! Stop focusing on the wrong person. It makes you look & insecure. He's the scumbag. And I'll probably catch heat for saying this, but I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR BETRAYED SPOUSES WHO GO BACK AFTER MULTIPLE D-DAYS. You're on your own. No sympathy or respect from me. If you don't respect yourself, how am I going to? GET UP, STAND UP, AND FIGHT FOR YOURSELF, FIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS, FIGHT FOR YOUR HAPPINESS... BECAUSE YOUR HUSBAND SURE ISN'T!

BS said...

Hi Anonymous:


Uhm, can you read. Yes we agree cheating spouses, male or female need to be held accountable.

But so does the OW and OM.

I am thinking you must be jaymie or another OW, because as a true OW, you would understand the situation better and have more empathy for Betrayed spouses.

Obviously you lack empathy so either you have never been there or you are an OW.

FYI: On Dday most betraying husbands, drop the OW like the steaming pile of poop she is.

As my husband told me, he said, he chose THE OW FOR AN AFFAIR, because she was someone he could never fall in love with. She was just a stray piece of tail.

He said she was a distraction, nothing more. He said he didn't even think she was all that pretty or interesting. She was JUST available and easy.

In my case, the OW really tried to break us up. She failed. LOL. How's that for a slap in here face.

As for OWs who claim they didn't know the man was married or in a relationship. that I say...Are you kidding me?

Get your head's out of your butt.

When I was dating the first thing I did was ensure that the man was not in another relationship or married.

It's not really that hard to do. And, truly, you don't need to be Einstein to find out whether or not a man is married or in a serious relationship.

I agree with Barb and Kate and Karma and I like what Sean did to jaymie.

She deserved it. Like most OWs, they claim to only want no strings sex to attract the married men, but then they all eventually turn into bunny boilers.

Like I said: Psychological studies consistently show that normal men can compartmentalize sex and normal women can NOT.

PinkStellar said...

Your blog is my warning sign. Oh how i love to punish and get more involved with the OW of my partner but following your blogs keep me sane. Thank you! <3

Kate M. said...

You are so right on all of your points, BS. I agree that this particular Anonymous is either an OW or has never been through what the rest of us have.

My husband's OW certainly emerged as a bunny boiler in a very short period of time, and he dumped her on her ass as soon as I found out. I have read tons of emails with plenty of proof of her predatory pursuit, psycho behavior, and his attempts to get out of it (that's when the barely-veiled threats/blackmail really heated up.) Basically she started dropping a trail of breadcrumbs for me to follow (we knew each other) until I figured it out. She really believed I would leave him and he would be hers (even though she was married as well.) So she gambled and lost, and has spent months trying to control the narrative in our social community and play the victim. The people who are truly our friends know the truth and as for the others... who cares? I am so happy to have her out of my life and so is my husband. We're at almost 10 months since D-day, lots of MC and IC, and doing amazingly well considering all we've been through. This blog has been an incredible help to me... you & Shawn and others here have truly kept me from losing my sanity during the darkest times.

Kate M. said...

Oh, and Karma- my husband's psycho slut taunted me too, mostly through social media. The fact that they knew us is further evidence that they have ZERO conscience. No one who is that fucking narcissistic and self-entitled gets a pass from me. Not gonna happen.

Anonymous said...

BS: Did you get your head out of your ass quick enough to find out your hubby was cheating? I am sure it took ya a while. Just like it might take a while for an OW to figure out a cheating husband is lying to both ways babe. Are you in the anger stage by any chance? Your view is bias, defensive & skewed. Sorry for your pain sweetheart.

shawn thewife said...

PLEASE let me interject in your discussion: Some of you might only come here to read about how I tortured Jaymie and her family. Maybe for ideas of your own or perhaps just a vicarious thrill. After DDay, there is so much anger you sure as hell can't dump it all on your wayward spouse's head. He'd surely be flattened like a pancake. The next best target...the affair partner. No doubt they are horrid people and deserve our wrath. (sorry to any OW's reading...maybe you didn't know you were fucking a married man. If that is the case, please consider dating with your eyes open next time)
MY POINT: My whole story isn't about how great it felt to mess with Jaymie. It's about how I chose to deal with my pain and how absolutely misguided those choices were! My behavior only served to cause me further anguish and despair.
I can't stress enough....Let the Bitch-Whore go, Ladies. Or...for Steady Chevy and other betrayed hubbies, let the offending prick go. The affair partner is nothing but poison. They have no place on your Road back to Happy.
I know some of you are where I was that first year. You are looking for a guide to lead you out of the dark. I truly want to help ease your pain. I believe with all of my heart that this is the best advice I can offer. Don't waste another minute on the OW/OM. Not another minute.
Hope & BIG Hugs, Shawn

Susan WG said...

Wow, some intense discussion on this post. I had elaborate fantasies of luring all the sluts my husband f'd to his hotel of choice, lock them in the rooms and set the place on fire. I'd be standing outside smiling while they burned in the pit. The funny thing is, I think I'm probably the most anti-violence person I've ever known but having your world upended will do that to you.

Reading Shawn's blog certainly helps me to keep my head on straight most days. I did do some research and was able to locate one of his sluts...FB page, pictures, address, employer, everything. I thought about outing her to her employer (the YMCA no less) but again, Shawn's advice kept that temptation in check.

Here's what I've done to satisfy the craving to exact revenge. I did write a scathing letter to her, called her every name in the book, told her how many other partners he was f'ing while he had her on the line, how he wasn't using condoms with most of his partners, and how he called her for services only when he didn't have the cash to pay for what he wanted because she was a freebie. I think the best of the letter was when I said race or sex didn't matter to him, he had been with men and women of every color of the rainbow. She's a back woods mountain hick and unless you are white and white and white you aren't worth her time. I can imagine if she knew his truth she probably would have burned a cross in his front yard.

Anyway, I wrote 2 letters to her,addressed one to her home and the other to her work, and put them in envelopes. When I'm going out of town, I put them in my purse and 2 stamps in my wallet. If I'm not travelling, I keep them in my desk drawer. It's almost like an alcholic who carries the AA medallions as good luck charms. I know I have them and can mail them anytime I want. I've told her what a piece of trash she is and everytime I look at them I know I'm the better person for not mailing them.

This is a tough road...thanks to everyone for being there when I need you.

BS said...

Hi Anonymous

You posted:

"BS: Did you get your head out of your ass quick enough to find out your hubby was cheating? I am sure it took ya a while. Just like it might take a while for an OW to figure out a cheating husband is lying to both ways babe. Are you in the anger stage by any chance? Your view is bias, defensive & skewed. Sorry for your pain sweetheart.

October 15, 2013 at 1:09 AM"

No I am no longer in the anger phase. I am not defensive either.

I am in the amused phase. I am also in my antenna is up phase. ;)

I am alert to those that certainly don't sound like any BS I have ever met.

And, in the past five years I have met many many BSs.

So my dear Anonymous, FYI, and for future reference.

It's much easier to hide an affair from a trusted spouse of 20 odd years, then it is to hide a marriage or an engagement.

An affair is by definition CLANDESTINE, and typically few or no people know about it.

A marriage or an engagement is DIFFERENT. It is always very out in the open. EVERYONE knows about it....the boss, the friends, the relatives, mom and dad.

Anyone who is dating a guy for more than a week and hasn't checked with his family or friends or boss to see if he is married, doesn't really want to know that the guy is married or engaged.

I am no genius, but My method of knowing whether a potential boyfriend was married or engaged was to simply meet him at his office by the second date. And, when there, I would chat with his coworkers and boss....Not really brain surgery.

BS said...

Kate M:

I am sorry that you, too, have been through the mill with a psycho delusional bunny boiler.

It's so darned cliche. Glen close did a good job with her role as a bunny boiler. :)

Kelly said...

Love the post and the comments, well some of them. I am in a quandry which as times makes me giddy and sad at the same time. The OW (aka slut, skank, bitch) is now engaged ONLY a year after DDay, but in reality 9 mos after no contact. Not prego either. The trouble I am having is I want so bad to out her to him - someone - anyone. I live in a small town and so I don't want to hurt our 2 children still at home that do not have a clue. Although at this point the OW is in Colorado but lives near me in the summer months. Unfortunately, I get to hear about when she is in town from others who know her and myself. She has had absolutely no consequences in the whole affair. It makes me so mad. Now she gets to be happy and plan a wedding. Shit it makes me mad. I hear conflicting comments outing her. At this point I have done nothing (except keying a small line in her car haha which I told you about before) I get where you said you need to "up" the ante. I want MORE! I'm sure I'll do nothing - but it felt good to tell you. Thanks for all your support your blog has done for me. I will keep on keep on.

Everyone try to have a good day because YOU ALL DESERVE IT!

BS said...


Just as Shawn mentions in her post that it is actually a good thing to tell the OW's husband, IMO, I think it's a good thing to warn a potential spouse that they are marrying a person who would date another married person.

IMO, you will be doing him a favor, by letting him know this tidbit of information about his future wife.

He may not care, he may get angry, but at least he was forwarned and thus forearmed.

My husband was always known everywhere as an extremely honest guy, and even some of his friends said he would never cheat.

That is in part why I married him.

Had I known, he was the type to date married women, I am not so sure I would have married him.

It really does say something about a person's character.

If I had married him, anyway, I sure as heck would not have allowed him to go on boy's night's out or men only camping trips.

Now, I am forever left to wonder what he was REALLY doing on those boy's nights out and camping trips.

He claims nothing, but, well, I have my doubts.

Kelly said...

BS: Thanks for the thoughts. I do believe your husband was faithful on all of those trips, because I myself trusted blindly until the affair, BUT in my heart I know that he actually was faithful then. I bet yours was also. They had a "malfunction" and drug us through with them. I read Shawn's lates post and I love the "karma" quote. I just might have to use that one. I'm not a detective to find her finance' but...i have could have earned the noble peace prize this last year trying to find info out.

Steadychevy, Just want to say I hope your doing good - hang in there!!!!!!

shawn thewife said...

BS & Kelly: You don't owe the affair partner's fiancee any favors. Not your responsibility. If there is no other spouse involved, I say No Contact. Why rattle the OW's cage? You want her GONE! Don't give her a reason to stick her ugly nose back up in your business!
If there is a spouse, one call or email to them will do the job. That's it.
Sorry if that sounded bossy!! I just want to save you all more pain. The OW is nothing but more pain.
Keep the focus on your WH. Fix your marriage. Own your happiness.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

SusanWG: Sounds like you might be really close to having a bonfire!! Once you burn those letters, or shred them or just toss them in the trash, my guess is you'll feel a very large weight disappear.
I love the idea of writing but not sending. I used that idea in my next post. I hope others can purge OW poison out right here on this blog for the pure healing benefits.
Most of us get the violent images our minds conjure up detailing a wicked demise to the OW. Even the most demure of us have a dark side. The smarter ones keep that side in check.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I wrote a letter to her mother and posted it . I felt much better after doing it, she is portrayed as a lovely girl in our local village, she is far from that ,now her mother knows and I am glad. She will never look at her daughter in the same light again, a woman who carries on an affair for four years with a married man a daughter to be proud off that's for sure.

Nora said...

I realize this post was made a couple years ago, but I resonate so much with just wanting justice. I wanted an apology from the slutbag. I NEEDED it. With the pain of my husband's trickle truth I couldn't believe a word he said anymore. I wanted the truth, and I was going to get it. I thought I'd find the truth by contacting the slutbag. At first I only contacted her to tell her that I "forgave" her but really just used that as an excuse to contact how much she messed up my marriage. I told her how my husband and I were high school sweethearts and that we'd been together for 11 years. How until her, we'd only been with each other and that she caught my husband in a moment of weakness because our marriage was going through a rough patch. She never responded to that message, but I felt comfort in letting her know how she contributed to my hell. Until I realized she probably thought it was awesome that my husband chose her over me and decided to risk everything we had together for her. Then I completely regretted that message. The next time I emailed her, I thanked her for leaving my husband and I alone so we could rebuild our marriage. Reading other blogs, I really was glad we didn't have to deal with her. Why send her that email? Probably because she ignored my first one. I wanted so badly for her apology, but no response to that email either. I was mad she was ignoring me. After looking through my husbands phone records and catching him in a lie, I went looking for the truth from her. I decided I'd text her this time. I told her I was not looking to harass her, I just wanted to know how many times they were together, and if they had been in a "relationship". She actually responded back apologizing, but lied and said she had no idea he was married the whole time she knew him, which I knew was bullshit. After telling her I didn't believe her she told me not to contact her again and then my husband received a text from one of her friends telling him to call off his psychotic wife... I had never even called her any of the names that I had for her in my head. All I said was that I didn't believe her, and her friend told my husband she'd get me for harassment if I ever contacted her again. After that I really wanted to bitch her out and give her a piece of my mind, but I thought about it and decided to stop contacting her and that she had no reason to help me at all and all the reason for her to protect herself. So I knew I wouldn't ever get the truth from her either.

Anyways this blog post made me cry. Yes you may have taken it a little too far, but I completely understand the despair of wanting to know everything and thinking the other woman has all of your answers. And then having people she loves calling YOU the crazy one when before the knowledge of the affair turned your whole world upside down, you were fine. It's so sad that it's normal to be "psychotic" after learning your spouse has been unfaithful. I truly hope now you have found peace. I haven't gotten to that point in your blog yet, but I just want you to know that I love your blog and am so sorry you ever had to be the author of a blog on affairs.

It truly fucking sucks...

-New to the game, Nora

shawn thewife said...

IIt's true. This is an old blog post...but I still remember the pain...CLEARLY.
I don't feel that wretched weight on my heart anymore, but I remember it.
Unless I missed it, you don't mention when your DDay was except for New to the Game. I want to assure you that All Roads to Happy have different distances, unique hills and valleys. You will get to a better place.

My blog is about sharing the Roads I took that should be totally off limits. Like big signs that scream "WARNING -BRIDGE OUT!" You must have a very handy Road map. It sounds to me like you already found out about the dangerous Roads and have found a much safer detour.
As you travel Your Road to Happy, please consider walking with friends at: The Healing Heart

The members of this message board are a treasure trove of compassion, empathy and support.
I'm glad my blog has helped you a bit. The Healing Heart can help you much more.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Laura Horton said...

I never gave much thought to the OW. We didn’t know each other and she owed me nothing.
I reserved all my anger, resentment and disgust for husband - who I felt did owe me. Love, respect, honesty, trust.
I think if I’d owned my gun back then I might have kneecapped him. Or tried to neuter him with a 9mm