After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Needy Monster

Some of you may have noticed I have been absent for much of February.  I have been traveling for 12 days out of the last 20.  I'm not complaining (yet).  Much of my life on the road was for fun and I chose to go.  The last few days were for work.  All of the days included Richard.  Some included other family members and my friend and business partner, Nikki.

We have never left our home for so many days without the kids (who really aren't kids anymore) in such a short amount of time.  The first trip was to Colorado to ski.  Amazing, beautiful and colder than a witches tit.  The next home absence was to Vegas.  Sin City.  What happens there stays there...unless I write about it on my blog.

Who would have thought I'd find a massive crater on my relatively well paved Road to Happy on the 5th night we were in Vegas?? (which, by the way, is too effing long to be there) Right there on the casino floor at the Mirage.  Boom!  Tripped right into that sucker.  More accurately, I was pushed.

What made the crater?  Richard explained the following morning that it was too much booze and a run of bad luck at the tables.  I'm not so sure.  The needy, narcissistic monster may have been induced to show his hideous colors due to copious amounts of Beefeater martinis and beer, but me thinks the monster speaks from a deeper place.  And, if the Needy Monster ever goes to that place again...Shit, I can't even finish that thought.

The crater opened about an hour after dinner.  Richard was standing with my 100 year old grandpa, watching him play slots.  Grandpa LOVES the penny machines! Not too far away, I was trying to teach my mom to play Craps.  I have only recently dared to roll the dice, so I'm probably not the best choice for an instructor, but we enjoyed ourselves as we lost our money.

Mom and I were starting to yawn so we cashed in the few chips we had left and went to fetch Grandpa.   Mom takes him to bed and I go look for Richard.  He had moved on to Blackjack.  I told him I was gonna play a little video poker then head to bed.  Vegas had finally kicked my ass and I was exhausted.   He didn't even look up from his cards.  I got barely a nod and a curt, "Fine".

Ouch.  Chilly attitude.  Radar goes into alert mode.  Something was definitely up, but having a heart to heart on the casino floor at a blackjack table is usually frowned upon by the other players, the dealer and the pit boss, so I said, "Good luck" and moved on.  Made another deposit to the Bank of Mirage playing video poker and went up to our room.

The Needy Monster came up about an hour later.  I was still awake, lying in bed, watching the Olympics and scrolling through two days worth of friendly posts on Facebook.  The hotel room door opens and again, alarms sound in my head.  I proceeded with caution.
"How'd you do?"
"I lost."
"Bummer.  Sorry.  Did you at least have fun?"
"No.  I'm surprised you care."

HUH? Whoop!  Whoop!  Whoop!  BIG warning bells, flashing lights and instant adrenaline rush!  I didn't know it quite yet, but Richard had left the building!  The Needy Monster was in control and about to crawl in bed with me.
I had to ask over and over, "What is wrong with you?" "Please tell me what happened!"  "Did I do something to piss you off?"

Be careful what you ask for!  Finally, I get this, "Maybe you were right back when you found out about me and Jaymie.  Maybe you were right when you said you can't give me what I need."

Well..Fuck ME!  After 3 years, you've decided you NEED MORE?  The Needy Monster NEEDS more!!  More attention?  More adoration?  More what??
The Needy Monster felt ignored at dinner.  The Needy Monster felt invisible after dinner.  The Needy Monster feels like he isn't a priority in my life.

I learned something about myself right then.  The last 3 years have made me tough.  I didn't buckle when the Needy Monster hurled hurtful words at me.  I didn't lash out either.  Maybe because my initial reaction was disbelief, I wasn't able to process the words.  Or, maybe I processed the entire situation quickly enough to know, trying to have a productive conversation with a drunken Needy Monster is like trying to squeeze blood from a turnip.  After the last 3 years, I'm too smart to waste energy on something so futile.

So, I just said, "Really?  Spending all this time with me for the last two weeks finally enlightened you?  I think you need a visit to the lovely Dr. K."
Then, I rolled over and went to sleep.

In the morning, we both woke early.  I believe God ensures an early rise on days when we have over indulged the previous night.  He wants us to fully appreciate the consequences of excess.
Before I could even rise to go pee, Richard was back.  The Needy Monster must have slipped away, back into his hidey hole, while I slept.
Richard said, "I'm sorry about last night.  It was the booze and my bad luck.  I just felt like a loser."  He mumbled a bunch of other crap I didn't quite catch, all in a very contrite and apologetic tone.
I said I understood.  I thought we should let it go for the moment and try to enjoy our last day with the family in Vegas.  Again...So smart, right??  There is a right time to deal with the Needy Monster and it was NOT in the Mirage as we nursed well deserved hangovers.

Now, we're back home.  I fully intend to deal with the Needy Monster.  I thought the evil beast had been vanquished, but without my knowledge, the Monster has merely been in deep hibernation since DDay.  Guess my Monster radar ain't as good as I thought it was.  It surely needs a tune up.

I gotta wait for the weekend and a little private time, then I'm gonna try and flush the bastard out because I've learned another thing...I don't think the old adage "Once a cheater always a cheater" holds true, but I do believe this...what made the cheater become a cheater is more likely than not an ingrained character trait, hard wired, not acquired.  The fire in the belly of a narcissistic Needy Monster can be contained but not extinguished.  The Monster can be locked away but never eliminated.  If that assumption holds true, Richard, the Needy Monster and I have some serious craters on my Road to Happy to fill.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Alien

As the first anti-versary approached, I withdrew into my pain.  It bubbled inside me like a monster.  If I try to picture it, I see the movie Alien.  Who doesn't know what that looks like??  An evil body, totally foreign to the host, writhing inside the abdomen, pushing on the skin, straining to burst forth and wreak havoc on anyone standing nearby and in my case, on a few others that live across town.

My pain was overpowered by my Alien Anger.

I was diligent in noting each anti-versary just like I was recalling a sweet first kiss, a romantic first date or a proposal pleading eternal love.
This anti-versary roll call was almost morbid.  Who commemorates deceit?
Surely warped.  Totally masochistic.
Completely heartrending, perpetuating my misery, feeling so damn sorry for myself and what my life had become.  For the true voyeur, here's a partial anti-versary roll call:
There was the first time Richard kissed Jaymie in his office.
The first time he kissed her in the elevator.
The first time he fucked her in his office.
The first salacious email.
The first trip to a hotel.
The first lies.  The first time Richard told Jaymie he loved her.

The list was extensive and thorough.  I wrapped myself up in each excruciating date for all of September and October.  As I fixated on every tragic detail, the Alien grew.

Ugh....Aren't you sick my whining yet??  I know when I write sometimes I sound like I still feel sorry for myself.  If that is what you read into my often lamentable words, let me remind you, assure you...I am no longer a victim.  The Alien has been vanquished, but that doesn't mean I don't remember, with crystal clarity, what the Alien felt like and all the damage it caused.  It does mean I am now at a place on my Road to Happy that has brought me understanding.
I understand that I am stronger than I ever imagined.  Much more resilient than the Alien.

I tried to search back into the bowels of my computer and count the number of emails I mailed to Jaymie and Geek Boy Kevin during those two months.  I dug up less than ten.  It's a very safe bet that there were many more that have been deleted since the Alien left the building.   The emails sent during this turbulent time were less laden with sorrow than charged with animosity.
Although I have forgiven myself for my Crazy Town behavior,  I am still very regretful of the place in my soul that was tainted by the Alien and how I allowed it to be unleashed.  I was very snide, sarcastic, spiteful and malicious.  I sent them this on September 28th.

It's the anniversary of the middle of the mess from last year.  You two should be able to remember all the good times just like Richard and I do.  So, enjoy, discuss and maybe visit Barona together, rent a room (if you can afford one) and talk about cheating, lying and consequences. 

Begin forwarded message:


 to rich
show details Sep 8
I'm assuming that you won't be getting this tonight.. I'm hoping this will be the first thing you see when you get into the office. Sitting in your chair. The chair that I straddled you on. And laughed as we fell to the floor. And then you directed me back to the couch...

I loved that you searched the couch for my earring on your knees, with your hands running along every crevice. And when you finally found my treasure you rejoiced. And still now it's hiding safe and secretly within your clothes. I love you. You love me the way I want to be loved... because you cherish every thing.



 to rich
show details Sep 9
I'll keep this letter short and sexy.

No one will ever accidentally touch you on the stomach. They may bump into your elbows, arms, back, knees, toes, legs, and even your head on occasion.. but the hips... and the stomach. When you touch me it's intentional. It has the weight of your fingertips pulling me in, or your body against me or your passion falling down and landing on my hips and my stomach. And I love it. 

There's much to say, but more time to say it later. 

I'm so glad you came.


My sorrow and suffering were well hidden by the Alien.  There was no pretense of needing the rest of the emails to help me heal.  I wanted only to rub their faces in what had been slowly eating me alive for a year.  I was wretched.
There is no salvation to be found in vindictiveness.  An eye for an eye is not available to betrayed spouses.  Malevolence feeds the Alien.  As I memorialized the two months of Anti-versaries, my Alien was extremely well nourished.