My pain was overpowered by my Alien Anger.
I was diligent in noting each anti-versary just like I was recalling a sweet first kiss, a romantic first date or a proposal pleading eternal love.
This anti-versary roll call was almost morbid. Who commemorates deceit?
Surely warped. Totally masochistic.
Completely heartrending, perpetuating my misery, feeling so damn sorry for myself and what my life had become. For the true voyeur, here's a partial anti-versary roll call:
There was the first time Richard kissed Jaymie in his office.
The first time he kissed her in the elevator.
The first time he fucked her in his office.
The first salacious email.
The first trip to a hotel.
The first lies. The first time Richard told Jaymie he loved her.
The list was extensive and thorough. I wrapped myself up in each excruciating date for all of September and October. As I fixated on every tragic detail, the Alien grew.
Ugh....Aren't you sick my whining yet?? I know when I write sometimes I sound like I still feel sorry for myself. If that is what you read into my often lamentable words, let me remind you, assure you...I am no longer a victim. The Alien has been vanquished, but that doesn't mean I don't remember, with crystal clarity, what the Alien felt like and all the damage it caused. It does mean I am now at a place on my Road to Happy that has brought me understanding.
I understand that I am stronger than I ever imagined. Much more resilient than the Alien.
I tried to search back into the bowels of my computer and count the number of emails I mailed to Jaymie and Geek Boy Kevin during those two months. I dug up less than ten. It's a very safe bet that there were many more that have been deleted since the Alien left the building. The emails sent during this turbulent time were less laden with sorrow than charged with animosity.
Although I have forgiven myself for my Crazy Town behavior, I am still very regretful of the place in my soul that was tainted by the Alien and how I allowed it to be unleashed. I was very snide, sarcastic, spiteful and malicious. I sent them this on September 28th.
It's the anniversary of the middle of the mess from last year. You two should be able to remember all the good times just like Richard and I do. So, enjoy, discuss and maybe visit Barona together, rent a room (if you can afford one) and talk about cheating, lying and consequences.
Begin forwarded message:
show details Sep 9
My sorrow and suffering were well hidden by the Alien. There was no pretense of needing the rest of the emails to help me heal. I wanted only to rub their faces in what had been slowly eating me alive for a year. I was wretched.
There is no salvation to be found in vindictiveness. An eye for an eye is not available to betrayed spouses. Malevolence feeds the Alien. As I memorialized the two months of Anti-versaries, my Alien was extremely well nourished.