After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Making Your Day Better....Yea, Right!!

Someone sent  me an email this morning.  Subject: Making Your Day Better.
It was full of Hallmark card worthy snippets, accompanied by an applicable, placid photo intended to motivate the reader to search their hearts for Serenity Now and to turn any sad-sack Eeyore into a positive Pooh Bear during a read that could be completed on the crapper in a snapper!

Nothing like Instant Inspiration before breakfast to bring out the sarcasm in me.

Why I didn't hit delete as soon as I spotted the sappy subject line escapes me at the moment.  I guess I was still a little drowsy so I scrolled down the page, as I pursed my lips and squinshed up my face in  a flagrant indignant expression sure to make any Mom warn, "Keep it up and your face is gonna stick that way!"  I was way into judgmental mode.

I know you have heard me preach like Polly Anna.  I know I lecture on attitude and owning your happiness.  I rarely miss a chance to encourage a betrayed spouse, stuck in a DDay quagmire, to focus on what is good in their lives.  Hell...I just wrote about that in my last post, Lost & Found.
So why am I being such a Negative Nelly about potentially beneficial, uplifting messages?

Because one of them struck a sour chord in me.  I might have to take a hard look at myself today and for the next few weeks.  This is the flowery blurb that made me think...and I hate that!

Well, Crap!  These 8 simple words seemed to be screaming, "Shawn!  I know your brain still goes there every damn day!  What's up with that, Sister?"

Let the meeting begin...HI,  I'm Shawn and I'm a betrayed spouse. I'm over 4 years post DDay and I'm more than positive that I made the right choice to stay and repair my marriage.  Reconciliation was the path for me.  No doubt. thinks I missed a section of the healing highway.  I ignored the overpass called "forgiveness".   If forgiveness was to be found on the high road...that would explain a lot.

Sure, I rationalized that sorry is just a word and forgiveness isn't tangible.  Actions are the only way to know beyond a reasonable doubt if your wayward partner is truly penitent.  Time is my friend and as it passes, my heart will be repaired.
Readers ask me all the time.....How much fucking time are we talking about???
How I wish I knew!

Why can't I say I forgive Richard?  Why have I fought the absolution option for so long?  The quote above tells me my unmerciful heart is the reason my cynical brain replays fragments of Richard's time with She Who Shall Not be Named over 4 freaking years ago!
Does the heart really wield that much power over the brain?  I always thought it was the other way around.  I lived (past tense??) by the credo that mind over matter and genuine confidence can save the soul.  I didn't need no stinkin' forgiveness!

Today I'm admitting I still think about IT at least for a few minutes everyday.  Something pops into my head about IT with no warning and seemingly no trigger to provoke the memory much more frequently than I am willing to accept.  Maybe it isn't about WILL.  Maybe it's about absolution.
I'm asking you AND myself....Does the answer to releasing my mind from occasional Brain Worm bondage require me to open my heart?  Please ponder this question with me.
To lighten my heart, do I have to forgive?