After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Easy Access to Kevin. Thank You, Google.

Google yourself.  You'll probably cringe a little when you see all the personal info drifting through cyberspace for any ole' freak show to find.  Am I placing myself in the freak show category?  Mmmmmmmm...I guess that would depend on the perspective.  At the time, I didn't think I was a crazy person, a freak show or even out of line while looking up addresses and phone numbers of Jaymie and her cohorts.  Even when I used the information I found to contact them, I felt entitled, not crazy.  Now, if you asked Jaymie, her Daddy or her geeky new boyfriend, Kevin...I can almost hear them!  They'd say something like, "That Bitch is NUTS!" or maybe, "No wonder Richard cheated on her!  She's a horrible excuse for a human being!"
Whatever...Like I could give a flying fart what they think about me.
I did what I was compelled to do.  If that makes me a crazy freak, so be it!  The continuation of my quest for the emails was mandatory.  It was almost as important to me as breathing.  OK, that might be over-stating it a tad, but not very damn much, I assure you!
However, at this juncture, I was not seeking access to the emails.  This was pure, unadulterated (which is a funny word to use when writing about adultery) payback.  By contacting Kevin, I had a chance to stick it to Jaymie.  Ahhhhh....the euphoria of revenge!

Do I need to insert another warning label here? all know this is a DON'T do what I did blog by now.

One morning, before heading to work, sitting at my desk, in my bedroom, I dialed the number for geeky Kevin, that I found online for $1.98.  A young man's voice answered.  "Hello?"
"Hi.  I'm looking for Kevin C-----.  Is he home?"
"Nope.  He's at work."
"Oh, I'm a friend of Jaymie's and I was hoping to speak with Kevin about her."
"Call his cell.  Do you need the number?"

LMAO!!  Really?  Could it be THAT easy??  Apparently so.  That $1.98 was really gonna pay off!

"Yes.  Please.  I'd appreciate it."  Got the number.  Thanked the stupid man and hung up.
After going a few rounds with me, Kevin would later claim I tricked his brother into giving me his cell phone number.   Don't blame me for that one!  Other than picking such a well used skank for a girlfriend, Kevin seemed fairly bright.  I think he must have received most of the brains from the family gene pool.  His brother was truly lacking in the IQ department.  He offered up Kevin's cell phone number with no consideration of the possible freak show on the other end of the line!

With a big grin on my smug mug, I hopped in my car and headed off to work.
I have a long drive, 45 minutes to work.  Once I got on the road, I called Kevin's mobile number.  I was sky high on adrenalin as I dialed.  "Hello?"
"Is this Kevin C------?"
"Yes.  Who's this?"
"My name is Shawn F---------.  Does that name ring a bell?"
"No.  What can I do for you, Shawn?"  (Such a thoughtful young man!  Snicker..)
"You're dating Jaymie S-------, right?  I have some info about her that you should have."
"Yes.  I'm dating Jaymie.  What are you talking about?"

And, then I let it rip!  Told him all about Jaymie and Richard.  How she slept with him numerous times.  Took money from him.  Begged him to leave me!  I told him I went out of my way to find him because he needed to know who Jaymie really was.  (You know it was not about that at all, right?  I didn't have a charitable bone in my body back then!)  I even threw in something like, "I'm a parent, Kevin.  If my child was involved with someone like her, I truly hope someone would let me know."
Look up the word -disingenuous- you'll find this phone conversation listed as a stellar example.

He thanked me and he said he had no idea she had been involved in something so sordid.  He would be speaking with her about it soon.  I was doing a happy dance with my butt cheeks while driving down the 163 south!  Before we said goodbye, I asked for his email address so I could send him some of the emails.  I wanted him to really get a grasp on Richard and Jaymie's relationship.
He gave it to me!  Maybe he wasn't as bright as I thought!  We said good bye.

After work, I sent him a few of the juicier emails, including the one she wrote about their last night together.  The one I posted on Rough Night.  He received the emails the next day and sent me this:


Thank you for sending me these emails. I appreciate your attempts to help me understand who it is I'm in a relationship with and I'm going to speak with her tonight about these emails as well as this ugly relationship she was in previously.  That said, I'm sure you'll understand why I ask that I never hear from you again. You've done what you could to alert me about the girl. Now please never talk to me or anyone I know again. Your time and effort spent chasing after highly personal information about the lives of others who have never even fucking met you could be better spent attending to your children and your marriage. This is my responsibility now, my life, and no longer a concern of yours. Stay out of my life, stay out of Jaymie's life, stay out of my family's life. 

I will only ask this once. 

I wish you, your husband, and you two kids the best. I really do. You folks deserve better.  And I wish that the rightful bitterness in your heart subsides over time. Trust is such a fucking fragile thing, it's a shame that it was shattered so irreparably so for you. But as days go by and years slip through, you must let the past go. You get one life to live, Shawn, as cliche as it sounds. One fucking life. Don't waste the rest of yours chasing after a young girl who was stupidly swept up in the moment because when you're sitting in your bed at age 90, you will regret it. And instead of reminiscing fondly about your children growing old and becoming adults, you'll be plagued by thorns and brambles for memories. I say this because I've seen more than anyone my age should. I've seen people violently die in front me from several gunshots to the chest, the life disappearing from their eyes, their outstretched hand reaching for me as their fucking intestines spill out of them. They lived a life of anger, of hatred. Then they were sent to the grave and the only memories they had to take with them to the afterlife were those of violence and hate. 

You seem like a sensible person and I am rarely mistaken in personal judgement. Please take the advice of this 22 year old who has done everything he could to live a better, cleaner, more peaceful life. Find your respite, find your sanctuary within the open, expectant, and innocent eyes of your children. No matter their age, you are the world to them. You are the life-filled center of this fucked up, cheap, dirty, backstabbing, cheating, pathetic, shit filled thing we call a universe.  And through you they'll learn about the world. Do the right thing. 

Do not respond to this email. I've said as much as I will on the matter and I'll hear and say no more.
-Kevin C

What the hell?  This 22 year old, scrawny bookworm geek boy thought he was gonna lecture me??  How dare he tell me how I should raise my kids??  He thinks he knows what I'll regret?  OMG!!  I only regretted the fact that I couldn't reach through the computer screen and slap his smug, know-it-all pimply face!  He got the bitterness and loss of trust part right, but geek boy had no idea what I needed, what I wanted, what I fucking well deserved!  No more contact?  I wouldn't know what happened?  I wouldn't hear how Jaymie reacted to the fact that I would not let her escape her selfish behavior and I would NOT be ignored?  HE "will only ask this once?"  A threat??  Really??
That wasn't gonna work for me.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Focused on the Rear View Mirror

You do stupid shit when you live your life gazing backwards.  If you're not watching where you're going, you're gonna end up falling down and busting your ass!   In my case, I was living in the past, feeding the pain caused by my husband and missing all he was trying to do for our future.  While I focused in that awful rearview mirror, I sent the "R" rated email to Jaymie's dad via Richard's email address.  Richard was utterly confused when he received this...

From James to Richard:

I did not read the email you sent, (it is dated Oct 13, 2010 and is not anything of value) -and I can assure that all of the emails accounts that you listed for Jaymie are not active so she is not receiving it.  I do not know why you sent the forwarded message, but it is in direct violation of Shawn’s signed agreement of 12/10/2010 where she states no further contact if the $500 is repaid.  My recommendation is that you not contact anyone in this family because if you do  you are in violation of your agreement.  I will now put your email to my blocked members list and will not receive any more myself.
(James says he didn't read the email.  What a crock.  As a parent, wouldn't you read it?  Wouldn't you NEED to know how far down into the abyss of moral turpitude your baby girl was sinking?  Hell, yes you would! least I know I would!)

I hadn't told Richard I was going to send anything to James.  I surely didn't ask his permission to continue my quest for the emails.  When this popped into his "IN" box, he sent it to me and asked what was up.  My only reply was, "Don't worry.  I know what I'm doing."
Hilarious!  You could just about piss you pants that's so damn funny!   I thought I KNEW what I was doing!!  In my pathetic, delusional, heartbroken state...I had a plan!

 OK....maybe that's not so much funny as it is truly sad.

The email from James arrived on March 8th, 2011.  James sounded like he was about ready to take some serious legal action.  That scared me...NOT!  The thought of having my moment in court, shouting to the world that his baby girl likes giving blow jobs to 60 year old men sitting on chairs in a law office left me all a-twitter!  Reading the words of lust and love from the few emails I had in open court sounded like the ultimate payback opportunity!
BUT...none of that would get me the emails!  Sharing the lurid details of Richard and Jaymie's affair would be just another momentary euphoric bit of revenge.

I'm telling you, Friends...revenge never feels as good as you hope it will.  If you are normally a decent human being, you'll probably end up feeling guilty after the initial victorious high.  The guilt lasts much longer than the elation you might experience as your foe falls.  Believe me.

Anyway, it didn't matter what I thought then.  Getting the emails from Jaymie by threatening to share the emails I had with her dad was a bust.  She didn't cave.  I sent her a few more emails in the next few months to no avail.  Tried calling her out, being kind, playing on her sympathy.  Maybe she wasn't even getting my emails, but I doubt that.  I think she was just hoping if she ignored me long enough, I'd go away.
Here's one of the emails I sent the baby bitch-whore in May:

Guess you feel like you don't owe me anything.  I get that you'd think that.  You gave me back all the "stuff".  To you, that must mean you don't owe me anything.  Maybe someday you'll realize that you truly owe me much, much more.  
I also get that you just want to get on with your life and forget all about the man that made a fool of you.  He made a fool of me, too, but then thought better of it.  We do have that in common.
Oh, well.....maybe you rebounded better than I thought you would and talking to me might open old wounds.
For me, just typing these emails is a bit therapeutic, cathartic even.  Not sure why.  Doesn't matter if you choose to participate in the conversation.  I really am very curious about how you are.  You have insight to the depth of Richard's dishonesty.  I could use a little of that insight.  Love is present, but trust elusive.

Talk about spinning your life then was just that.  Spinning the wheels on the train that drove me through Crazy Town.  I had no positive focus in my life.  I never looked forward.  I could only see my life from the rearview mirror.  When you dwell in the past, you're stuck.  Stuck sucks.
If you're stuck in a rut on your Road back to Happy, ask yourself this...Am I living in the pain of yesterday?  Can I find a way to put my hope into the life I want to have tomorrow?  Can I place my effort in making my future brighter?
The rearview mirror can't offer you much when you're wallowing in heartbreak.  I didn't get that.  I continued feeding my pain instead of nurturing my happiness.  BIG mistake.

At the end of June, 2011, I found Kevin, Jaymie's new squeeze.  She went from my old husband to a skinny, bearded geek child, a year younger than her!  Rebound much??
I digress....Her Facebook profile pic changed from a single to a couple.  I found the additional face in her friends list.  Went to his page and there it was...Kevin and Jaymie huggin' it out on his profile pic!
They looked so happy!
Screw that!  She doesn't get to be happy while I'm barely able to breathe!  Once I had Kevin's name, it wasn't tough to find out he also attended SDSU, he worked in the library and he fancied himself quite the writer.  The internet is a beautifully scary thing.

Got his phone number, and with my brain still focused on the rearview mirror.  I placed a call to Kevin to let him know he was dipping his wick in my husband's sloppy seconds.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

After DDay: Finding a Helpful Needle in an Information Haystack

Who did you turn to after DDay?
Was there a best friend that cheered you on while you screeched and roared and ripped your cheating spouse a big, fat new one?  Maybe you had another friend, a kind neighbor or a sister that stocked you up with extra large boxes of fluffy Kleenex and held your hand during the many lengthy crying jags that left your eyes red, achy and swollen.  I'm sure there are a few of you that had to manage the mountain of emotional upheaval all on your lonesome.  I think that's the worst place to be.
Of course, some of us were blessed with the resources to visit trained therapists and counselors.  With at least a $50 co-pay, they give you their undivided attention for 50 minutes.  But, picking out a good one is a crap-shoot at best and you can't schedule every meltdown to coincide with a counseling appointment, can you?  You're gonna need someone else when the going gets extra tough.

How about the Internet?  Did any of you reach into cyberspace for support straight away?  Was it easier to ask your multitude of questions to faceless strangers?  I would think that might be the most popular way to go.  Too bad I didn't consider it until over a year after DDay.  If I'd found the Healing Heart online support forum sooner, this blog would surely have a much different tone.  Jaymie would certainly have been a much smaller character in my story.
Oh, well...Would've, should've, could've...not productive.
There are so damn many web sites, blogs, messages boards and articles dealing with infidelity online.  Sites for the betrayed that choose to reconcile, for the betrayed that choose divorce, for the cheating sex addict, the cheater in mid-life crisis, the cheater that has no fucking idea why he cheated and for the affair partners.  (I guess even they deserve a little help.)  It is the proverbial needle in a virtual haystack.  Information over-load!  Trying to find a place that speaks to you during your darkest days, a person or place to reach out and hug you, literally or figuratively, should not be so elusive.
Together, we can provide a guide to much needed advice, compassion and understanding.

This post is about sharing where we found the most comfort after DDay, what worked, what felt right or what was a huge time suck and a massive waste of energy.  Who did you go to when you didn't trust your own judgment?  Do you wish you hadn't opened up with the most delicate, heart wrenching details of your life to anyone or on any forum?  Is there any place or person you think we should avoid?
Let's compile a list.  Don't know what I'll do with it, but who knows?  I might try to publish this shit for real one day and a quality list of where to run after DDay would make such a great chapter, right?

I'll start....

I wish I hadn't told my mom.  Even though my dad cheated on her, she couldn't help me.  I had never realized previously that she has quite the archaic view of Husband/Wife relationships.  The thought of leaving a marriage because of infidelity was never an option for her.
I wish Richard hadn't told my dad.  Richard thought because my dad was a betrayer, he could share wisdom about how to heal a marriage after DDay.  I think Mom & Dad's healing process involved a broom, the rug and some serious sweeping.
More than anything, I wish I had never involved my kids on that very first night.  That's not really the same thing...telling the kids, I mean.  I didn't go to them for support. I used them to hurt Richard, but I felt the need to throw that out there as long as we're discussing who to tell or not.

There are so many people I wish I didn't tell!  Why list them all??  Following that line to reach the desired information will turn this into a two part post...forget it.
Let's go this route...
Here's who I told that helped me....My best friend and business partner, Nikki.  I'm with her nearly everyday. When I holed up at home in my bathrobe for a week, curled in a fetal position, she would have been the first to notice my absence.  And, my dearest friend, Julie.  She's known Richard and I for 25 years.  There would be no hiding the drama from her! I called both of them before I even called Richard to confront him.  I knew they would have my back and my front no matter what.  Most people wouldn't want to be around someone that lived in Crazy Town for so long, but Nikki & Julie never bailed.
Best friends are the bomb.

I could've stopped right there if all I needed was someone to hold my hand and wipe my dripping nose while I sobbed or to make me a perfect martini while I raged and agree with every derogatory thing I said about my liar of a husband and his two-bit, white trash baby whore, but I needed more.

I had the lovely Dr. K to help me understand I shouldn't throw Richard to the curb for at least a few months.  I needed Dr. N and his bag of mind-meds to help me function as a mom and a business woman.  Both served a purpose, but, as you all know....I was stuck in Crazy Town for over a year after DDay.  I was barely getting by.  I didn't know it yet, but I needed to surround myself with other betrayed wives!  Only they could help me.

When I finally turned to my computer for solace, that when the healing started.  This blog lead me to many online forums.  Some were wickedly judgmental and way too scary even for a truly opinionated bitch like me!  Surviving Infidelity and the Healing Heart were the two that taught me more in a week than I had learned from anyone else in a year.  I read for hours!!  Surviving Infidelity was too big to navigate for someone with very limited computer skills.  I didn't last long there, but the Healing Heart became my salvation.

A few months later, I began to realize there are legions of us blogging about our heartache!  I'll spare listing the ones that were annoying, badly written or nothing but whine fests.  I've listed the blogs that touched me most here on my homepage.  I hope you will take a moment and visit each of them.  You won't regret investing the time.

I'm not saying we can shorten the Road back to Happy for everyone.  I just hope we can draw a clear map that shows how we found our way.
So, come on!  Help me out!  Who or what was your helpful needle in the information haystack?

PS....for those of you that dislike when I veer from the story of my time spent in Crazy Town, here's a little preview of what's to come....Jaymie's Facebook page introduced me to Kevin, her new boyfriend.
Suffice it to say:  I was bored with James.  Kevin was fresh meat.