After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Easy Access to Kevin. Thank You, Google.

Google yourself.  You'll probably cringe a little when you see all the personal info drifting through cyberspace for any ole' freak show to find.  Am I placing myself in the freak show category?  Mmmmmmmm...I guess that would depend on the perspective.  At the time, I didn't think I was a crazy person, a freak show or even out of line while looking up addresses and phone numbers of Jaymie and her cohorts.  Even when I used the information I found to contact them, I felt entitled, not crazy.  Now, if you asked Jaymie, her Daddy or her geeky new boyfriend, Kevin...I can almost hear them!  They'd say something like, "That Bitch is NUTS!" or maybe, "No wonder Richard cheated on her!  She's a horrible excuse for a human being!"
Whatever...Like I could give a flying fart what they think about me.
I did what I was compelled to do.  If that makes me a crazy freak, so be it!  The continuation of my quest for the emails was mandatory.  It was almost as important to me as breathing.  OK, that might be over-stating it a tad, but not very damn much, I assure you!
However, at this juncture, I was not seeking access to the emails.  This was pure, unadulterated (which is a funny word to use when writing about adultery) payback.  By contacting Kevin, I had a chance to stick it to Jaymie.  Ahhhhh....the euphoria of revenge!

Do I need to insert another warning label here?  
Nah...you all know this is a DON'T do what I did blog by now.

One morning, before heading to work, sitting at my desk, in my bedroom, I dialed the number for geeky Kevin, that I found online for $1.98.  A young man's voice answered.  "Hello?"
"Hi.  I'm looking for Kevin C-----.  Is he home?"
"Nope.  He's at work."
"Oh, I'm a friend of Jaymie's and I was hoping to speak with Kevin about her."
"Call his cell.  Do you need the number?"

LMAO!!  Really?  Could it be THAT easy??  Apparently so.  That $1.98 was really gonna pay off!

"Yes.  Please.  I'd appreciate it."  Got the number.  Thanked the stupid man and hung up.
After going a few rounds with me, Kevin would later claim I tricked his brother into giving me his cell phone number.   Don't blame me for that one!  Other than picking such a well used skank for a girlfriend, Kevin seemed fairly bright.  I think he must have received most of the brains from the family gene pool.  His brother was truly lacking in the IQ department.  He offered up Kevin's cell phone number with no consideration of the possible freak show on the other end of the line!

With a big grin on my smug mug, I hopped in my car and headed off to work.
I have a long drive, 45 minutes to work.  Once I got on the road, I called Kevin's mobile number.  I was sky high on adrenalin as I dialed.  "Hello?"
"Is this Kevin C------?"
"Yes.  Who's this?"
"My name is Shawn F---------.  Does that name ring a bell?"
"No.  What can I do for you, Shawn?"  (Such a thoughtful young man!  Snicker..)
"You're dating Jaymie S-------, right?  I have some info about her that you should have."
"Yes.  I'm dating Jaymie.  What are you talking about?"

And, then I let it rip!  Told him all about Jaymie and Richard.  How she slept with him numerous times.  Took money from him.  Begged him to leave me!  I told him I went out of my way to find him because he needed to know who Jaymie really was.  (You know it was not about that at all, right?  I didn't have a charitable bone in my body back then!)  I even threw in something like, "I'm a parent, Kevin.  If my child was involved with someone like her, I truly hope someone would let me know."
Look up the word -disingenuous- you'll find this phone conversation listed as a stellar example.

He thanked me and he said he had no idea she had been involved in something so sordid.  He would be speaking with her about it soon.  I was doing a happy dance with my butt cheeks while driving down the 163 south!  Before we said goodbye, I asked for his email address so I could send him some of the emails.  I wanted him to really get a grasp on Richard and Jaymie's relationship.
He gave it to me!  Maybe he wasn't as bright as I thought!  We said good bye.

After work, I sent him a few of the juicier emails, including the one she wrote about their last night together.  The one I posted on Rough Night.  He received the emails the next day and sent me this:


Shawn,

Thank you for sending me these emails. I appreciate your attempts to help me understand who it is I'm in a relationship with and I'm going to speak with her tonight about these emails as well as this ugly relationship she was in previously.  That said, I'm sure you'll understand why I ask that I never hear from you again. You've done what you could to alert me about the girl. Now please never talk to me or anyone I know again. Your time and effort spent chasing after highly personal information about the lives of others who have never even fucking met you could be better spent attending to your children and your marriage. This is my responsibility now, my life, and no longer a concern of yours. Stay out of my life, stay out of Jaymie's life, stay out of my family's life. 

I will only ask this once. 

I wish you, your husband, and you two kids the best. I really do. You folks deserve better.  And I wish that the rightful bitterness in your heart subsides over time. Trust is such a fucking fragile thing, it's a shame that it was shattered so irreparably so for you. But as days go by and years slip through, you must let the past go. You get one life to live, Shawn, as cliche as it sounds. One fucking life. Don't waste the rest of yours chasing after a young girl who was stupidly swept up in the moment because when you're sitting in your bed at age 90, you will regret it. And instead of reminiscing fondly about your children growing old and becoming adults, you'll be plagued by thorns and brambles for memories. I say this because I've seen more than anyone my age should. I've seen people violently die in front me from several gunshots to the chest, the life disappearing from their eyes, their outstretched hand reaching for me as their fucking intestines spill out of them. They lived a life of anger, of hatred. Then they were sent to the grave and the only memories they had to take with them to the afterlife were those of violence and hate. 

You seem like a sensible person and I am rarely mistaken in personal judgement. Please take the advice of this 22 year old who has done everything he could to live a better, cleaner, more peaceful life. Find your respite, find your sanctuary within the open, expectant, and innocent eyes of your children. No matter their age, you are the world to them. You are the life-filled center of this fucked up, cheap, dirty, backstabbing, cheating, pathetic, shit filled thing we call a universe.  And through you they'll learn about the world. Do the right thing. 

Do not respond to this email. I've said as much as I will on the matter and I'll hear and say no more.
-Kevin C

What the hell?  This 22 year old, scrawny bookworm geek boy thought he was gonna lecture me??  How dare he tell me how I should raise my kids??  He thinks he knows what I'll regret?  OMG!!  I only regretted the fact that I couldn't reach through the computer screen and slap his smug, know-it-all pimply face!  He got the bitterness and loss of trust part right, but geek boy had no idea what I needed, what I wanted, what I fucking well deserved!  No more contact?  I wouldn't know what happened?  I wouldn't hear how Jaymie reacted to the fact that I would not let her escape her selfish behavior and I would NOT be ignored?  HE "will only ask this once?"  A threat??  Really??
That wasn't gonna work for me.

25 comments:

momof6boys said...

The whole "do not contact me again" and "do not respond" crap would have just had me that much more determined to make contact again, even if I hadn't originally planned to...heck no, I wouldn't tolerate some condescending, smug 22 year old child telling me what to do!!! UGH...very annoying!

shawn thewife said...

Momof6boys: First..mom of SIX boys!! Your screen name should be super woman! Or..maybe...endless energy girl! Mom to Mom - I salute you!

Then, about patronizing little Kevin: That email totally chapped my ass! But, then again, pretty much everything chapped my ass back then. My fuse was wickedly short! Keep reading. You'll soon see I didn't follow his instructions.
Should've....didn't.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Oh My God! Am I ever glad to find your blog. I am 18 months past D-day 2 and I can so relate to what you have gone through. Ok, my husband wants me to believe that it was "only" an emotional affair. Bull I say. This midlife stuff that they go through is for the birds. I did call the OW a couple of times and caught hubby in many lies. You have done an amazing job describing the way the betrayed spouse feels. Please keep blogging. I really relate to what you have gone through. Hopeful one day we can all be healed.

Anonymous said...

Wow, smart young man with smart advice. I am glad she found a man her age who has so much insight on life and forgiveness at such a young age. He was right, every word. You can't hold onto things. I'm so glad your husband banged an OW who seems to hide away when dealing with your cyber & phone attacks, cuz it would've been a full blown war if you were my ex-mm's wife. I'd love for that biyatch to pull some of the shenanigans you pulled. She tried by tweeting me random tweets yet didn't have the balls to "at" my twitter name. She stopped once I confronted her by her work email. I guess with me knowing where she works and I'm sure him warning her of my sicilian temper, she knew what was best for her & she finally stopped the bullsh*t. But Shawn you sure do crack me up. Once again, great post.

Anonymous said...

Here the thing, to have contacted him in the 1st place was desperate and then to be shocked that he NEVER wanted to hear from you again as more than reasonable. Who are you to involve him in your misery? I don't get it...I follow the post, I get that you were angry (even if it's been a year, you were angry...) but at some point you stop being angry and you start being crazy. Not only that, you stop being angry, and look towards the source of your anger. It wasn't just Jaymie- you can call her every name in the book- but your husband made a decision to cheat on you with her... you can blame her for the rest of your life, but that was HIS decision to make. He made the vows- NOT HER. So to behave like he was blameless is misplacing the blame-- but to dwell on her just tells me that you weren't secure in your relationship in the 1st place. If you were to ever heal from what HE did, you'd learn to let yourself heal from it and move on. But every post is dwelling on Jaymie... and I for the life of me, can't see where you're coming from and WHY you feel like you deserve her pound of flesh. She moved on, perhaps you should too

shawn thewife said...

Here we go again with all the anonymous comments! It's tough to reply when you all don't sign with initials or a nickname! (BUT...I will do my best!) Until blogger helps us out by stacking the comments I really need an assist from my readers! Please...anything will help! Thanks!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

To the first anonymous that is 18 months post DDay:
I'm glad you found us, too! I'm sad you need to be here.
Men in mid-life crisis are selfish bastards with no self esteem and a desperate longing for lost youth. It's pathetic. But, it's nothing more than a mental breakdown. Richard is a good man that made very bad choices and did exceedingly bad things. He has done the work to heal himself and our marriage.
You don't mention where you are in recovery. I hope you're on the Road to Happy. We can walk together.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

To the anonymous OW:
I was armed and dangerous (figuratively, people!) and ready for a war! I craved it! Maybe it would have been different if I felt she was any challenge at all, but I doubt it. I've never been easily intimidated. In my mind she deserved to be publicly humiliated for her part in the affair. I wasted a hell of a lot of energy on that trampy loser. It was a huge, steamy pile of bullshit and I couldn't resist rubbing her face in it. Maybe this blog will save other betrayed wives the trouble.

I have a very large bone to pick with you...You're GLAD my husband banged another woman? Really? Still lacking a moral compass, huh? Might wanna work on that. Sleeping with a married man makes you selfish and needy. Maybe you could replace those negative character traits with compassion and remorse. Just a thought.
Glad I crack you up. Infidelity is very dark. It needs to be lightened up once in a while.
Thanks for reading.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

Hi Shawn:

I love it that you informed Jaymie's new boyfriend of the fact that jaymie is the type of woman who would have no qualms about effing an older married man, and taking money from him in the process.

As you have mentioned, that's akin to prostitution.

Yes, Richard is to blame for taking the bait she offered....sex in exchange for helping her out financially.

But, Jaymie is still a whore and her boyfriend should know. I am sure it changed his impression of her, and maybe ruined her future with him.

If he is looking for wife material, I doubt she is now at the top of his list.

Hopefully he will just screw her, and leave her, so she can experience some of the pain you felt when Richard emotionally abandoned you to be with her.

With that said, I am a former model, and when people hear that they automatically consider me brainless, LOL, but my college major was in biochemistry and both my parents are attorneys.

I am concerned that since you have been warned to make no further contact with Kevin in writing, that any continued attempts by phone or mail, may be considered stalking in the state where you live.

Please be cautious with this. You do not need anymore humiliation and pain.

It is quite normal for a loyal wife to be obsessed with the other woman. It's a hurt that goes very deep.

Still, it will not matter much, if he or jaymie file a stalking complaint against you.

I am also angry that the OW in my situation seems to have suffered no loss from her dalliance with my husband.

She was married to wealthy man who spoiled and pampered her, and by all accounts he still is.

He is fat and not very attractive and likely has low self esteem to stay with her as she is a serial cheater, who says terrible but untrue things about him to everyone she meets.

She herself is overweight, so it's funny that she holds that against her husband, but my counselor told me that women who have affairs with married men have their egos fed by the conquest of it.

shawn thewife said...

To Anonymous that thinks I should Move On:
You do understand that I'm not writing this blog in real time, right? The events in the most recent posts took place in June & July of 2011. I have moved on. I still have my moments, but mostly, Richard and I are walking together on our Road to Happy.

Back then, I was so hurt, so shocked that Richard would cheat I didn't know how to deal with him. I had all this anger and it had to go somewhere. I realize now, that I was scared to release all that venom on Richard. I was scared that he'd leave me! So, I aimed at Jaymie. It's called transference. You dump your shit on the easiest target as a release. It ain't pretty but it smells better than infidelity spawned by a midlife crisis.

However, you bring up a good point. I haven't blogged much lately about where I was in my relationship with Richard at that point in my recovery. I'll get on that.
Thanks for commenting.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

BS: Remember...I write about what happened nearly 2 years ago. By the time I started this blog in December of 2011, I was beginning to realize contacting Jaymie and her clan was doing me no good! The ironic thing was, just as I had my epiphany about recovery, Jaymie filed a restraining order against me and that just pissed me off again! If it wasn't for the wonderful members of the Healing Heart support forum, I would have battled that bi-yotch in court for months! Would've cost me a shit ton of dollars and served no purpose! Thank God, for the Healing Heart!
And, I have no idea if Kevin and Jaymie are still together. I would guess they are because he was right beside her in court for the restraining order and that was over 6 months after I contacted him.
Let's face it...22 year old, scrawny geek boy was getting laid by a 24 year old with skills! He was probably a virgin before she rolled in! He wasn't gonna bail on that action!
Whatever! The lives they lead now are of no concern to me. I only write about what happened THEN to analyze how I got to where I am NOW and maybe to help another betrayed spouse find their Road to Happy, too.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

Hi Shawn:

Thank you for the reminder. I realize the affair and most of the events were in the past, but sometimes I fail to check dates, with new posts.

I will remember when reading your future posts. :)

Jen said...

If the relationship with the new boyfriend had much meaning she would have been truthful about who her last realtionship was with. Her hiding it from new boyfriend speaks volume to me. Good to have let him know. Had she been one to hurt small animal or beat children new boyfriend would have been thankful you let him know. Poor character is poor character & fucking someone else's husband falls within the category of poor character & add to that he's old enough to be your dad & you accepted fuck gifts, then add opportunistic to the bad character list.

What amazes me is people who have made the comments about The Stupid Whore to the affect that you should have left her alone since it was your husband who made the choice to cheat, but to those people I say --one sided consentual sex is called rape, so unless The Stupid Whore is claiming rape she is equally responsible & deserves to partake in the aftermath of her consentual choices.

Anonymous said...

-LOST-

Shawn
I recently read your blogs in less than 2 days. I had spoken with my therapist the other and told her I was considering blogging as a means to find a support group, my Dday was November 7, 2010. I had been with my husband since we were 16 yrs old, at the time of his affair we coming up to 15 yrs married and 22 yrs together. He had a mid life crisis that lasted for 3 yrs and ended with a 6 mos affair. I have a had a lot less information than you my husbands "tell all" additude lasted less than 2 months. Still to this day I can't tell you how it began, when or how it ended and there is so much junk in the middle that kept him there longer than needed due to manipulation on her part with cancer scares from her, suicide threats ( supposedly) he claims she was needy and volitaile. I'm not sure how much if any of this is true but what I will tell you is that he "Loved her" or what he likes to say "cared about her". He used unprotected sex and was careless enough to believe she had been "fixed" and no scare of a pregnancy so sexually he did what he wanted .... I too only came to the idea a few days ago to seek out via the Internet ways to find support groups that can help me see others have gone through what I have.
I stumbled across your blog one of the first as I read and although my crazy town didn't look anything like yours.... I can totally relate. I have spent hrs upon months surfing the web for information on the yoga freak that my husband tripped and fell flat in his face for. He didn't focus on his business, his work or our family. His business went to shit, he doesn't have the financial stature that he needs to make himself feel good and here I am left with the pieces of a shell of man I once knew. He regrets every minute of it I get that but I am having a hard time believing it.

Need to trust my judgements again and I'm scared everyday that I made choices for the wrong reasons.

Lost

TryingHard said...

Shawn
WOW you were crazy!! i loved what Kevin wrote. Almost made me cry and it is all true! What a wise young man. I was crazy at the time too but I think I would have been grateful to have received such a letter at this time. Maybe it would have opened my eyes. LOL to the Anons. The wives may be "crazy bitches" but you are "skanky whores"! I'll take crazy bitch any day over smelly, skanky, whore! Don't even waste your breath answering them. They are probably moving on to new Married Meat anyway looking for their next sugar daddies!HAHA you win, you were crazy!! But the best revenge is that you and your H are having the best possible life now despite all her pathetic efforts. BTW I've given up on retrieving the old emails. Don't care she was just a convenient hole!!!

Anonymous said...

Shawn, I'm not going there... but,I am often tempted to keep messing up the other guilty party too. I use your blog to mind travel there and return safely to my sofa. I do enjoy your blog. :-)
Zanne

BS said...

Hi Shawn:

Kevin may stay with Jaymie for awhile, after all...he's a geeky guy who is getting laid.

Still, Jen makes good points.

Jaymie's behavior reveals her true character and when he starts thinking about marrying and choosing a long term mate, and maybe having children with that mate, the details you supplied to him about her will haunt him.

The fact that she had an affair and with a married man, and even worse tried to convince him to stay with her, which meant she had no empathy for you or your children, will likely bother him enough to look elsewhere, once the honeymoon period in their relationship cools.

flaca said...

i love your blog shawn. fuck the anonymous OW aka whores. once they banged a married man they have no options except to get on their knees and beg the betrayed spouses forgiveness. one day karma will get them in their whore faces and that karmic slap will leave a mark. w. for whore.

shawn thewife said...

Jen: The only reason I regret tormenting Jaymie for a year was the damage it did to me. Hurting her didn't help me...not in the least.
To those that think she didn't deserve my wrath....LOL! She earned all the humiliation I served up and every name I continue to call her. Any woman/girl/whore bag that begs a married man to leave his family will surely be smacked down by the karma bus sooner or later. For Jaymie, it was sooner thanks to me!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Zanne: If my blog gives you the pleasure of vicarious bitch whore payback, outstanding. If it keeps you from acting on your anger toward the OW, it's a blessing.

I learned the hard way that you gotta let the OW go before you can start walking the Road back to Happy. So, read my blog on your comfy couch and remind yourself how smart you are to stay the hell away from the bi-otch!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

TryingHard: Kevin wasn't nice for long. He and I got into it a few times. It was almost funny that he thought he had to defend Jaymie, to protect her from me. He tried so hard to be threatening, to scare me away. It was gonna take a whole lot more than a skinny assed geek boy to shut me down.

So glad you let the emails go! The only thing that matters when you are struggling to recover from betrayal is what your WH is doing NOW. What he did then is horrendous but you can't alter it. We must focus on how our WHs treat us after DDay to find our way forward.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Lost: I am so sorry for your pain. I understand your self doubt and your need for details of the affair. I thought if I didn't know every single moment about Richard's time with Jaymie I'd never be able to wrap my brain around it. I was wrong.

The reason Richard cheated was for HIM to understand. He needed to learn WHY he made the life altering choices so he would never go there again. What helped me was being completely open with my needs and emotions with Richard. He wanted to help me, but really had no clue what he could do, so he just let me run amok for a year. If I would have focused on him, if I had allowed my heart to see how hard he was trying to help me heal I would have found my Road to Happy MUCH sooner.

It's about what your WH is doing NOW that is important. His actions NOW will help you find your Road back to Happy.
You're not alone on this journey. We will be here for you.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Flaca: I'm a firm believer in Karma. I know Jaymie would've have received her fair share of painful payback eventually. I did not/should not have been the one to drive the bus over her! Made recovery so much harder.
She did apologize to me, several times. Those words were worthless.
Love your blog, too. I sure hope you can find a stable path on your Road back to Happy. Blogging helped me focus on what was important. Maybe it will be a guiding light for you, too.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Torn Apart said...

I tried reading Kevin's response with an open mind which undoubtedly caused the flowing tears in my eyes. How is it that everyone else can respond so calmly and rationally and claim to understand our pain?

shawn thewife said...

Torn Apart: I think I know the answer or at least understand the possibility of why others can respond calmly and THINK they get it. Before my DDay, I always thought if Richard cheated, he'd be out the door so fast we'd have to mail him his undies. I thought infidelity was pretty cut & dry. THEN...it happened to me and I realized I wasn't quite as smart as I thought I was. Preconceived notions are tough to let go of. PLUS...no one wants to get too close to that kind of shit storm. you might just get some splashed on you!
We can't blame others for not getting it. Only those of us that have had the misfortune to experience the gut wrenching, heart breaking agony that is adultery can ever truly empathize.
So...it's a blessing that we've found each other. We know how much support is needed to survive that kind of pain and we are ready and willing to step up with open, albeit broken, hearts to help one another.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn