look towards the source of your anger. It wasn't just Jaymie- you can call her every name in the book- but your husband made a decision to cheat on you with her... you can blame her for the rest of your life, but that was HIS decision to make. He made the vows- NOT HER. So to behave like he was blameless is misplacing the blame-- but to dwell on her just tells me that you weren't secure in your relationship in the 1st place. If you were to ever heal from what HE did, you'd learn to let yourself heal from it and move on. But every post is dwelling on Jaymie... and I for the life of me, can't see where you're coming from and WHY you feel like you deserve her pound of flesh.
It's a from an Anonymous writer. I hate that! If you wanna challenge me, don't run away. Stick around and chat a while. I welcome all opinions here.
Most that remark on my obsession with Jaymie or try to defend her in someway, don't comment more than once and I doubt they read my replies.
I call those comments "Hit & Runs". Chicken-shits!
However, this particular Hit & Run gave me pause. Not for the reasons detailed above, but for something else. I feel I have been a bit remiss in sharing some very crucial pieces of my story. You know about my obsession with the emails and the lengths I went to for satisfaction in that regard. That means my story has centered around my dealings with Jaymie.
Shouldn't the story contain more on my relationship with Richard? I don't mean "to dwell" on Jaymie, as the comment above suggests, believe me! I really wanna forget all about that slutty bitch, but I can't write this damn story without talking about the scuzzy whore bag. (plus, it's just so much fun calling her names! Tee hee!) But...point taken... I guess I need to refocus for at least one post. Once again, writing this blog has opened my eyes. I have not revealed much of the trauma I suffered at home with Richard. This blog needs some diversity.
Thanks to the little wake-up call from anonymous Hit & Run:
FOR TODAY...Jaymie goes on hiatus.
I'm gonna tell you about how Richard and I were doing during the first half of 2011. Let's call them...The Email Months.
Richard called himself my barometer. The quality of his life depended solely on my mood du jour. By April, 6 months post DDay, I had stabilized enough, in public at least, to function at work, keep my kids clothed and fed and maybe even socialize a bit. My inner demons came out in the privacy of our home. I guess you can imagine I was prone to frequent massive swings in my emotional state. You know about the Roller Coaster from Hell. I was still riding, but had been granted small breaks from the coaster courtesy of Lexapro. I always thought mind meds kept you on an even keel. That ain't necessarily so. I had moments of relative calm, as I mentioned before, but when something, anything tripped a trigger....I was locked, loaded and on full automatic! Poor Richard.
6 months post DDay is a weird time for betrayed spouses. Many of us figured at 6 months out we should be getting over this shit storm. Richard can attest to the fact that there is no 6 month expiration date on the pain caused by infidelity. Nope. Not even close.
Our relationship during the Email Months can only be described as volatile. We experienced highs that would make the greatest of love stories on the big screen pale in comparison, like date nights filled with passionate kisses, deep eye gazing and words of eternal love. We suffered through lows that required days of Richard behaving as contrite as an altar boy caught peeing in the holy water before I would allow him the pleasure of merely touching my arm. Anything could be a catalyst to the low days.
Richard never had anyway to know which side of the bed I'd wake up on. He used to tell me he didn't care about himself. He prayed every night for me to be happy. I believed he prayed for me to be happy, because then he got to be happy. At that time, in my mind, the guy couldn't do anything right. I was determined to be angry. As I look back, I think the highs were my respite. Mentally I couldn't maintain the anger. I'm tellin' you, people!! Anger on that beastly a scale takes a freakin' toll on you! As hard as the Coaster was on me, it might have been even harder on Richard. He craved the highs! I teased him with the highs. I allowed the highs from time to time only so I could snatch them away and torture him with yet another low.
In me, infidelity spawned evil personified.
That's about it. That's why I haven't written a lot about Richard and I during the Email Months. I sort of figured you wouldn't have to be the Amazing Kreskin to know what was happening in our unhappy home while I was visiting Crazy Town. I guess I thought the obvious would be boring.
I can leave you with this little gem of a factoid....Richard knew exactly what I was doing. He was completely aware I was trying to score the emails from Jaymie. He cringed when I contacted Daddy James. He also knew when I chose to involve new boyfriend, geek boy Kevin. He was alerted to all of my Crazy Town behavior because I made sure he knew. I was completely attentive to his reactions to my antics. If he hated it, I doubled my efforts. So, Anonymous Commenter, don't doubt for a New York nano-second that I was only about punishing Jaymie. To this day, I am incredulous that Richard and I survived the Email Months.
I asked him why he stayed when I was so cruel for so long.
He said, "Because I made you that way and I'll be sorry forever."
Hope that cleared up your questions, Anonymous.
My next post will get right back to telling you about my response to geek boy Kevin and of course, bashing Jaymie!! Whoo Hoo!