After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

4 Years After the Affair

Today isn't 4 Years after the affair.  The title implies that but it's not exactly accurate.  I mean, Richard and she who shall not be named started their affair weeks before I pulled my head out of my Polly Anna ass, saw the vigorously waving red flags and confronted my wayward husband.
Today is PRECISELY 4 YEARS SINCE DDAY.  October 12th, 2010, my world disintegrated.  My husband told me he had "deep feelings" for another woman....girl...whatever.  He might have said "strong feelings."  Again...whatever.
The point is I can't remember! Or...maybe I choose not to remember.  If I didn't decide to write down my emotional/mental state on the blog today, anti-versary #4 would have passed me by like any other Sunday, except for this subtly surprising feeling of contentment and optimism.

On my first anti-versary, I could have told you EXACTLY how DDay went down in our kitchen and on our patio and on the phone after I made him leave.  I rehashed every tear, each moment of despair and every single detail of the time he spent with her.  I wallowed in the agony, reread each email they shared and shut down like a coffin lid closing on my marriage.

By my 2nd anti-versary, I was still pretty clear about each syllable we uttered to each other that first fateful day.  I was very tender and Richard could feel it.  Out of pure necessity, his senses had become acutely in sync with my emotional state.
We had tried to anticipate how the day might unfold, tried to be prepared for Royal Bitch or Debbie Downer while hoping intensely I could just summon Shawn to show up for duty.  Richard continued to do what he had done since the original DDAY...he followed my lead and we managed to survive the dismal day unscathed and without turmoil but there was little joy in our hearts.

I can't tell you exactly what happened on our 3rd anti-versary.  I could scroll back through the blog and see if I wrote about it.  I'm guessing it didn't suck that hard because nothing stands out.  I'm gonna call that a win for my forward momentum on the Road to Happy and let it go at that.

NOW...about today...anti-versary Numero Quatro!!  A couple of hours ago I realized that I have had a Cheshire Cat kind of smirk on my face all day.  (maybe because I had a lovely round of morning sex)
While shoving a ton of denim in the washer.... (My family creates an exorbitant amount of laundry in 3 shorts days!  It's freaky.)  Grinning.
As I was picking out Gala apples at Stater Brother's grocery store.... (fall is the best time of the year for a juicy apple.) Grinning.
Typing these words right now..... (hopefully to entertain or inspire)
That's right...Totally Grinning.  

I want to shout it from the roof:  I recovered from marital mayhem!
Today is like no other, to be sure, but not because I am dwelling on the worst day of my life.  Quite the contrary!  I am patting myself on the back for never giving up.  So many times I could've.  I'm certain many people out there reading think I should've.  But 4 years after the affair I know, with true perfect clarity that only comes with a great deal of passing time, I made the right choice for me.

I wasn't going to acknowledge today, but I have shared a whole hell of a lot of bad.  It seems like some counter balance is needed.  If you're reading, I want you to feel a little more hopeful today.  Reconciliation might be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but I'm here to assure ain't impossible.  If I can do can, too.
Richard and I survived Crazy Town and lived to tell you the tale 4 years after the affair.
How awesome it feels to be celebrating my successes today rather than wallowing in past failures.

Anti-versary #4 can kiss my ever-so-gratified and satisfied ass!!  LOL!

One more thing...most of you that emailed me after my last post wanted me to write about what Richard did to help me on the Road to Happy.  You want to know what worked for me.
I'll try to do that real soon, but for now maybe you could just try what's working for me today...Focus on what is good in your life.  Relish it.  Embrace it.
Leave the ugliness in a mental lock box for a while.  Hide the freaking key!
Make a conscience effort to choose to be happy and eventually you might find yourself happy through no effort at all.