After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Time to keep my word.  Seems like I've been remiss in following through on a post that I promised to write.  Good thing I have all of you out there to remind me about it!
You wanna know where we are now, almost exactly 5 years post DDay?
How are Richard and I getting along?
Is our marriage stronger?  Have we "moved on"?  Did I "get over it"?
Those answers are not at all simple and require I examine my life up close and down deep.
Not really my favorite pastime but today I will make the effort and do my best to share the Good, the Bad and the Ugly, of my reconciled marriage.

Which do you want to read about first?  The Good, the Bad or the Ugly?
Let's get the Ugly out of the way.  It will be the roughest for me to concede.

I need to preface this with...ALL humans, married, betrayed, single or otherwise, have some Ugly, some Bad and hopefully some Good.  ALL.

The Ugly of my marriage:
It seems so damn normal and I guess I just can't abide by that!
Everyday, just like all the years before DDay, an uncomplicated routine, a choreographed life that smoothly spins on point.  I should be grateful for the simplicity, but I harbor trepidation.
5 years have passed and from time to time I find myself uneasy, unable to accept that my marriage is Good.  It could be great if I had more confidence (which I used to enjoy in spades), that a bit boring and conventional is a Good thing.  No news should be Good news, Dammit!
That's the Ugly....Me and my hesitant, unreasonable lack of acceptance for finding bliss in the mundane.  My inner shrink says I never learned to be truly vulnerable and because of that, I could miss out on some of the best emotions life has to offer.

Now for the Bad:
The Bad is nothing more than slipping back into Bad habits.  We both should be speaking up when something isn't copacetic.  We aren't...well, at least I'm not.  Maybe he's happier than a squirrel with big nuts and has nothing to say, but if I'm not sure, it's time for me to ask.

I don't own the Bad in the way I do the Ugly.  For me, the Bad is about communication and how  it hasn't remained as frequent and open as it was when we were deeper into healing.   I think I spoke in an earlier post about expectations.  This is one place where they are not what I'd hoped.
In this regard, we both own the Bad.

Maybe it's the Ugly, worrisome inner workings of my battered brain that bring on my share of the Bad.  I still briefly flinch at any semblance of pre-DDay behavior.  Plain old, insignificant, behavior that would never have phased me in the least pre-DDay can give me pause and that's Bad.
Common place, hum-drum crap like....When he amps up his work-outs, I envision him getting in shape for a new young trollop.  Does that mean I think he should become a fat, out of shape old man??  Or...If he stays up later than I do, I ponder who he might be texting.  Should he come to bed when I get tired, instead of catching up on ESPN?  Hell to the No!
Ugh!  I annoy myself with the Bad!
As for Richard's share of the Bad, I know he wants the affair to go away, never to be spoken of again.    He doesn't say that, but I can still hear it.  I've mentioned he is Mr. Anti-Confrontation and he'll go way around a problem if it can be avoided.  I can't be sure if he is withholding needs or wants which is what drove us into Crazy Town 5 years ago!
We gotta get back to sharing.  That would be Good.

I'm glad I decided to end with the Good:
Don't want any of you to think I'm saying the Road to Happy is a Dead End.
The Good out weighs the Bad & the Ugly put together times 100!
We are grateful. We have deep, daily appreciation for even the smallest things.
Richard is tuned into me.  He pays attention.  He might not vocalize what he sees or feels, but I know he cares.  I'm ever so much more tuned into him.  Paying attention to your spouse is a very Good thing.   Even through the routine of our day, we notice and aknowledge our connection.
Not only do we love each other, we like each other.  We plan our futures together.  I love talking about what we'll do when we retire. I don't want to grow old with anyone else!

I could type a thousand things that are Good, but I'll save us all some precious time and sum it up.
My family is whole.  My kids are great.  I love my husband and I am loved in return.  It's a love so strong it survived Crazy Town.
I will always place my focus on the Good and I'm really gonna work to eliminate the Bad.  I may need a new therapist for my Ugly!
Bottom line, my friends...5 years post DDay, I'm really Good.
Thanks for asking.