After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

To CLETS or Non-CLETS? That is the Question.

Legal jargon, rules and specifics can be very dull and dry.  Being married to family law attorney, I understood more than the average temporary restraining order recipient.  But I didn't know dick about a CLETS or Non-CLETS order.
What I did understand was that for the time being I was under the restrictions of a temporary restraining order.  It demanded I stay the hell away from Jaymie.

Before I was served, I was settling into a much brighter place, out of Crazy Town, that was a Jaymie Free Zone.  I could have cared less that she wanted a piece of paper to make me stay away from her and any aspect of her wretched little life.
The key word in the above sentences: "BEFORE".  The order was a monumental trigger!  After I received the temp order, I dashed, unthinking, motivated by pure visceral anger and very few rational thoughts, out of my newly found Jaymie Free Zone right back to a rapid fire dangerous neighborhood in Crazy Town called, Fuck Jaymie and the Horse she Rode in on!

So close to moving on and out of Crazy Town, but when Jaymie decided to push me, I was determined, almost compelled to push back.  I was certain I could wipe the floor of the El Cajon court with her boney ass.  She would rue the day that she challenged me and spread her stick like legs for my husband.
(For any new readers...PLEASE remember, I am writing this about the past.  I have learned much since then.  SO MUCH!  Most importantly, wasting time, energy or emotion on the other woman or man, is less than pointless.  It's self-sabotage.  If they stay out of your life, if a strict no contact policy is maintained...let the trollops go!  They will do nothing but hinder your recovery.)

'D' was working like a rabid legal beagle to sell me his peace plan.  I'll briefly try to share the particulars.  As I said before, what I had now was a temporary restraining order.  In court, Jaymie would ask for a permanent order.
My attitude continued to be:  She could have the damn thing but I was gonna make her pay through the soul to get it.  I told 'D' that I wanted my chance to tell my side of the torrid tale.  'D' was a quick study.  Richard must have schooled him.  'D' didn't tell me to do anything.  He didn't tell me what I couldn't do either.  He shared options.  The solution that Jaymie had already agreed to was the one he hoped I would buy.  I didn't have much time to dwell on it.  We were supposed to meet in court in two days.

This is what I learned:
CLETS:  California Law Enforcement Telecommunication System.
It's a data base designed to enforce restraining orders.
Once you get tossed into that data base, your name pops up with a big red check stating how naughty you've been anytime there is any type of law enforcement checking your ID.

 There's really only one difference between the CLETS and the Non-CLETS...but its BIG.
A CLETS is filed with Law Enforcement.  A non-CLETS isn't.  It is merely the same order agreed upon between two parties AND approved by a judge.  If the terms are violated within the agreed time period, the Non-CLETS automatically becomes a CLETS.
Get it?  If biggie.  This ain't law school.  

Just know that 'D' was all about getting me to agree to a Non-CLETS so I wouldn't be detained by police if I got pulled over for a speeding ticket and I wouldn't have to go to secondary when reentering the country.  Stupid pain in the ass bull pucky like that made the Non-CLETS look pretty good.  I mean, who wants to worry that a piece of paper could make every cop and immigration official look at you sideways??

'D' was quite convincing.  He explained that Jaymie had already agreed to the Non-CLETS.  If I agreed to it as well, 'D' would take it to the judge to be signed the next day and I would not have to go to court at all.  Jaymie and I would never cross paths again.
Richard didn't say squat, except maybe, "It's up to you, Honey."
Was I ready to give up my last chance to purge the poison in my gut, let it rise like bile and spew it all over Jaymie and her clan in court?
You'd think so, but I needed to be slapped a compassionate sort of way.

Enter the members of the Healing Heart.  I went to the message board that had recently jump started my walk on the Road to Happy.  I posted the issue about court.  What I thought I wanted, felt I needed and what 'D' strongly urged me to do.  
It didn't take long for for me to hear the responses loud and clear.
Let her go.
Don't give her anymore of you.  
She has taken too much already.  
You can't recover with her in your life.
There's nothing you could say to her that will help heal your marriage.

Lots of replies.  All of them the same.  What all their inspirational words said to me was:
I gotta run as fast as I can from Jaymie and Crazy Town! This is my moment!  Make the right choice today for a better tomorrow!

That's the day I truly let Jaymie go.  I thought I had weeks before, but the restraining order had me locked and loaded with renewed animosity.  With the support of the amazing mentors on the Healing Heart, I was empowered to face my future completely Jaymie-less.
I felt 1000 pounds lighter!  Jaymie was a burden that I should never have tried to carry.
I let that thought go, too.  What's done was done.  I was gonna learn to focus on NOW and let THEN take a distant backseat.
The relief was as life changing as it was fleeting.

Sunday, June 8, 2014


Richard was anxiously waiting for the details of my appointment with 'D'.  I don't know what he thought was gonna happen down the hill in 'D's' glass office, with banished best friend, Marc, staring at my back.  But, certainly after my unpredictable nature the past year, it was reasonable for Richard to be a bit agitated until my return.
Lucky for him, he didn't have to wait for me to drive the 20 minutes north.  As soon as I left 'D', a call was made to Richard presumably so the two of them could decide what to do about me under the guise of discussing legal strategy.  Told you 'D' wasn't really MY lawyer.  He was all about protecting Richard.  What 'D' seemed to know instinctively was that protecting Richard was the best way to help me, too.  Of course, I was blinded by my dark anger and could not see any of that.
I was gonna see the light soon, but almost not soon enough.

'D' wanted Richard's thoughts on contacting Jaymie.  Did Richard think she would be receptive to a conversation with the attorney representing the crazy woman that had made her uncomfortable (that's putting it lightly!) enough to file a restraining order or would approaching her be more like poking an angry rattlesnake with a stick?  Might she accept a compromise?  Richard was honest (this was an attractive new trait he seemed determined to employ with consistency) with me about the call.  He told me he explained to 'D' that he had no idea how Jaymie would react to contact of any kind.  He also told 'D' that we had no current phone number or email for her.
Richard, 'D' and I came to an agreement about a starting point.   If there was gonna be a conversation, it would have to start with Sharon, Jaymie's ex-employer.
Per my request, Sharon had just recently reconnected with Jaymie and had forged some weird sort of bond with her.  Regardless of Sharon's view on this entire debacle, at least she knew how to get Jaymie on the damn phone.  That was the first call 'D' needed to make.

I think Sharon actually enjoyed the drama.  She was more than happy to be a mediator.  Within the hour,  Sharon coordinated the dialog.  'D' got a call from Jaymie and he made it count.  He wasn't about to miss an opportunity to throw some cold water on the over-heated situation.  In the next couple of days, 'D' and Richard would do all they could to prevent me from pouring on copious amounts of lighter fluid and striking another match, sending the minimal chance for compromise up in flames.

I'll never know what 'D' really said to Jaymie on the phone that afternoon.  If I was given the chance to write the script the call would have gone something like this:
'D':  Jaymie, I don't think you thought this restraining order through.  Shawn will do her level best to degrade, disgrace and discredit you in public court.  She will not hold back a single sordid detail of the time you spent with her husband.  Are you sure you want that??
Jaymie: (whining and crying pathetically) Shawn is so mean!  I don't know why she won't leave me alone!  I can't live like this anymore!  I don't know what else to do!  My daddy and my geeky boyfriend say I have to take her to court.  My life is so awful!!

The actual compromise communion probably went more like this:
'D':  Jaymie, I'm hoping we can avoid a visit with the judge.  I am working to find a solution that will bring closure for everyone involved with the least amount of distress.  There are a number of ways for you to feel safe without you and Shawn having to face each other in court.  I think we should try to avoid that scenario, if at all possible.
Jaymie:  I just want to be sure Shawn never bothers me again!  She is a hateful human being!

'D' had an idea that would insure a tidy ending to the turmoil.
Could we really both get what we wanted without standing before a man in a black robe asking us to swear to tell the whole truth?  Hadn't I craved a chance to tell the whole truth for a year??  On what fucking alternate universe did Jaymie and I share any common ground??
So began the CLETS/Non-CLETS compromise idea.
(legal details of this maneuver to follow)
With a little help from Sharon, 'D' managed to sell it to Jaymie.  Sharon agreed with 'D' that Jaymie & I meeting in court for a showdown was not in any one's best interest.  She told Jaymie she could get what she wanted with this compromise.  Jaymie felt like Sharon was in her legal corner and as such, followed her educated lead.
The next step was gonna be quite a hurdle.
'D' had to convince me I was gonna get what I wanted.