After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Compromise

Richard was anxiously waiting for the details of my appointment with 'D'.  I don't know what he thought was gonna happen down the hill in 'D's' glass office, with banished best friend, Marc, staring at my back.  But, certainly after my unpredictable nature the past year, it was reasonable for Richard to be a bit agitated until my return.
Lucky for him, he didn't have to wait for me to drive the 20 minutes north.  As soon as I left 'D', a call was made to Richard presumably so the two of them could decide what to do about me under the guise of discussing legal strategy.  Told you 'D' wasn't really MY lawyer.  He was all about protecting Richard.  What 'D' seemed to know instinctively was that protecting Richard was the best way to help me, too.  Of course, I was blinded by my dark anger and could not see any of that.
I was gonna see the light soon, but almost not soon enough.

'D' wanted Richard's thoughts on contacting Jaymie.  Did Richard think she would be receptive to a conversation with the attorney representing the crazy woman that had made her uncomfortable (that's putting it lightly!) enough to file a restraining order or would approaching her be more like poking an angry rattlesnake with a stick?  Might she accept a compromise?  Richard was honest (this was an attractive new trait he seemed determined to employ with consistency) with me about the call.  He told me he explained to 'D' that he had no idea how Jaymie would react to contact of any kind.  He also told 'D' that we had no current phone number or email for her.
Richard, 'D' and I came to an agreement about a starting point.   If there was gonna be a conversation, it would have to start with Sharon, Jaymie's ex-employer.
Per my request, Sharon had just recently reconnected with Jaymie and had forged some weird sort of bond with her.  Regardless of Sharon's view on this entire debacle, at least she knew how to get Jaymie on the damn phone.  That was the first call 'D' needed to make.

I think Sharon actually enjoyed the drama.  She was more than happy to be a mediator.  Within the hour,  Sharon coordinated the dialog.  'D' got a call from Jaymie and he made it count.  He wasn't about to miss an opportunity to throw some cold water on the over-heated situation.  In the next couple of days, 'D' and Richard would do all they could to prevent me from pouring on copious amounts of lighter fluid and striking another match, sending the minimal chance for compromise up in flames.

I'll never know what 'D' really said to Jaymie on the phone that afternoon.  If I was given the chance to write the script the call would have gone something like this:
'D':  Jaymie, I don't think you thought this restraining order through.  Shawn will do her level best to degrade, disgrace and discredit you in public court.  She will not hold back a single sordid detail of the time you spent with her husband.  Are you sure you want that??
Jaymie: (whining and crying pathetically) Shawn is so mean!  I don't know why she won't leave me alone!  I can't live like this anymore!  I don't know what else to do!  My daddy and my geeky boyfriend say I have to take her to court.  My life is so awful!!

The actual compromise communion probably went more like this:
'D':  Jaymie, I'm hoping we can avoid a visit with the judge.  I am working to find a solution that will bring closure for everyone involved with the least amount of distress.  There are a number of ways for you to feel safe without you and Shawn having to face each other in court.  I think we should try to avoid that scenario, if at all possible.
Jaymie:  I just want to be sure Shawn never bothers me again!  She is a hateful human being!

'D' had an idea that would insure a tidy ending to the turmoil.
Could we really both get what we wanted without standing before a man in a black robe asking us to swear to tell the whole truth?  Hadn't I craved a chance to tell the whole truth for a year??  On what fucking alternate universe did Jaymie and I share any common ground??
So began the CLETS/Non-CLETS compromise idea.
(legal details of this maneuver to follow)
With a little help from Sharon, 'D' managed to sell it to Jaymie.  Sharon agreed with 'D' that Jaymie & I meeting in court for a showdown was not in any one's best interest.  She told Jaymie she could get what she wanted with this compromise.  Jaymie felt like Sharon was in her legal corner and as such, followed her educated lead.
The next step was gonna be quite a hurdle.
'D' had to convince me I was gonna get what I wanted.

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

All these shenanigans for a liar, a cheater and a wimp. Some of you betrayed spouses act like your wayward hubbys are God's gift the way you fight for them. The drama is pathetic, your husband's are pathetic and you live for both. Your whole blog is one big trashy Jerry Springer Show.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: You are right on about the Jerry Springer show remark. My behavior after DDay was nothing short of excellent afternoon cheap Television trash. I regret so much. But you totally miss the mark on why I chose to stay with my cheating husband. His behavior after DDay was based on remorse and a strong will to better himself and our marriage. Richard screwed up when he screwed Jaymie. He takes full responsibility.

Do you not believe good people can make horrible mistakes? Do you not believe in second chances?
I'm trying to own my mistakes just as Richard has owned his. If you can't see the promise of reconciliation through the drama I caused, then you should find a different blog.
You might consider compassion instead of judgement if you stick around.
'Shawn'

Anonymous said...

Well said Shawn! I applaud you for being brave enough to air all your dirty laundry in effort to help yourself heal and save others in your situation from making some of the same mistakes. It is nothing short of awesome. I hate having to be in your 'club' but I have learned so much from your blog. If Anonymous is too ignorant to 'get it' about this blog, I feel sorry for him. Keep keeping on!! ~Brenda

Anonymous said...

Shawn - I forgot to ask you. Is your AOL email still active? I saw it on one of your blog posts and sent you a private message last Friday. Just not sure if it is still active. Thank you! ~Brenda

shawn thewife said...

Brenda: Sorry you're in the club, too, but we are a large, supportive group, so jump on in and feel the love.
Well..supportive for the most part, then you have the few stray anonymous comments that lack in the support department. They also lack understanding, compassion and a willingness to learn anything that challenges their very closed minds.
So don't mind them! I don't.

Yes...the email is active. Me....maybe not so much!! I'll get back to you shortly, promise!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

TryingHard said...

Oh gosh ANON you mean they aren't God's gift??!?!?!?! Oh thank God for your informed opinions because where would we all be without them. Your comments and contributions are so astute that you know what, I am filing for divorce today from that scumbag! Maybe, just maybe I'll be lucky enough to find some one perfect just like you.


Thank you, thank you for your deep and meaningful opinions. Have you ever thought of starting your own blog so we could learn some more of life's valuable lesson from YOU???

Anonymous said...

No problem! I just wanted to make sure I had the right email and that it was active! :) Yes, there are SO many close minded people with no moral compass, or compassion or understanding for others. Obviously we wouldn't be in this damn club if those people didn't exist! ~Brenda

BS said...



Anonymous Anonymous said...

All these shenanigans for a liar, a cheater and a wimp. Some of you betrayed spouses act like your wayward hubbys are God's gift the way you fight for them. The drama is pathetic, your husband's are pathetic and you live for both. Your whole blog is one big trashy Jerry Springer Show.

June 8, 2014 at 5:49 PM

--------------------


Hi Anonymous:

I see you are here. Reading and Posting.

Your presence here seems to suggest that you are seeking out the drama you are denigrating, in your post.

Why?

Unless you are a betrayed spouse, or a women who dates married men, what would even interest you on a blog like this?

Shawn was thrust into the drama, she did not seek it out. She is simply documenting it.

So, why insult Shawn? What stimulates that need?

Just curious?


roth lee said...

It's been nearly two years and not a day has passed where I don't think of my ow. My ex ow I shold say. My wife and I have reconciled for our children. I feel horribly guilty for hurting her in the worst way, but even with full NC, the passion and ache in my heart that I still have for the ow is still burning and continues to burn in silence. Perhaps it is my punishment. Perhaps I will be in unrequited love with the ow for the rest of my life. Yes I could leave and go be with her, but I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home and neither does my wife. I do love the mother of my children but I do still love my ow as well. I hope the days comes when I don't think of her, but I am still waiting for that day.

Anonymous said...

Let me answer you anonymous.

My husband was most certainly a liar, a cheater and a coward. I do ask myself, why am I still with this man. And, here is why I am trying to see if we can make a future together. He is doing the work and has shown he gets it. He is dealing with the fact that his cowardice and self-pity ruled his life at the expense of everything and everyone else, including me, our children and even himself. He is facing his demons head on. He is backing up his words with his actions (generous post-nup; self-arranged polygraph; me and children now his TOP priority; a to-do list based on us, not just on him and so much more). I am not ready to walk away from the life I have with him if he truly is doing the work to be whole within himself and for our family. Yes, it is a risk and I am taking it. But, that is my decision to make and only I can make it. Focus on yourself and judging only yourself. I have learned that if you focus on comparing yourself to others (what they think, have, do or say), it is all about your ego, not your self-esteem. Self-esteem has to come from within, the only comparison is of yourself to yourself. My husband and I are on the same page on this. I feel it, I see it, I cherish it. I stay. TL xx

Anonymous said...

Hey all,

I have a few more thoughts for anon and other "haters" and even those who are supporters. I think the "haters" come here to seek validation of their decision. By seeing our continued pain, they tell themselves they made the right decision to leave.

Several things are clear to me on this. Whether you stay or go, there will be pain that must be addressed, their will be self-esteem issues that must be addressed. I have done so much thinking about ego versus self-esteem. And I do believe that when we compare ourselves to others or seek our validation from others it is all about ego. I believe many cheaters are cheaters because they are focused on ego, not self-esteem. But, not just the cheaters, many of us do this. The problem with focusing on your ego (comparing to others, seeking validation from others) is that it is not stable and always needs another fix. However, when we focus ourselves on building self-esteem, it is from looking within ourselves, the only comparison and validation I seek is from within myself. In my view, this is a much more stable and healthy way to live. From this place, I am able to give myself compassion and give others compassion too. From this place, I am able to see my boundaries and ensure that they are not trampled upon. I am not afraid to be fully honest. I do approach this honesty in a compassionate and loving way. My road to happy is a life based on honesty, compassion, validating ourselves from within.

And, Roth Lee, love is a choice. Your partner cannot meet your every expectation (no person can). If you think your OW does, you are living in a fantasy world. True love is when the infatuation wears off, you see where your partner does not meet your every expectation and you choose to love them anyway. Choose to love your wife, fully and completely. Choose to make her and your children your top priority. Choose to find happiness from within, not from validation from your OW or anyone else. Love is not about what you get, it is about what you give. What are giving your wife in regards to love, compassion and friendship? Don't do it with some quid pro quo expectation. Do it because you choose love of your wife, your children and your family.

TL xx

shawn thewife said...

Roth Lee:
Not sure why you wanted to share your pain here, but since you did, I'm gonna smack you around a bit and tell you exactly what I think.
If you have read my blog, you know I value brutal honesty.

Do I admire you for wanting to hold your family together? You bet. Do I feel bad for you that you are pining for your affair partner? Not a chance.
I am assuming your wife knows nothing about your hidden emotional ties to the ex-OW. If so...you are forcing her to unknowingly live a lie. You think you're doing the right thing? IMHO, The right thing is always the truth.
Did you learn nothing from the pain you caused after DDay? That pain was inflicted on your wife, the mother of your children because of your lies.
I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just hoping you get some professional help and soon. Please do it for yourself as well as your wife.
Hidden feelings for another woman prevent any kind of real healing. Be a better man....try honesty....and therapy!!! Sounds like you have a wicked selfish streak!!
Good luck,
Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Roth Lee: I gotta retract one little statement I made above. In my haste to be fair and non-judgmental, I said, "Do I admire you...then I added, you bet"
When I reread that I threw up a little in my mouth!!
I do NOT admire you. I do admire your wife for giving you a chance to hold your family together.
You're a liar and a cheater. If you find a way to become a better man, maybe you will be blessed to have admiration from your family.
You wanna hold your family together?
You are really lucky your betrayed spouse wants to give you a chance to do that. You should be infinitely grateful.
Don't screw it up.
`shawn`

TryingHard said...

Roth lee

Seriously this is a joke right? You are really a fourteen year old boy already bored on summer break right? Certainly you are not a grown man talking this bullshit because I swear when I read this I heard Whitney Houston singing in the back ground, "....AND I I I I I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUU..." And yes I puked a little in my mouth too.


Together for the children????? What kind of man hides behind innocent children for his own deep seated problems? I've got news for you pal. THERE ARE PLENTY OF CHILDREN FROM DIVORCED HOMES IN THIS WORLD!!! Some even grow up to become leaders of the free world!

No, this is not your punishment. You know what a real punishment for you would be if your wife throws your sorry ass to the curb and you end up with your beloved OW only to realize down the road what a boneheaded mistake you made by first even bringing her into your life.

My advice to you, GROW THE FUCK UP, loser!

shawn thewife said...

TryingHard: I just knew you would be first in line to knock some sense into Roth Lee! (He must have twisted Van Halen fetish!)
You're probably right. He's a REALLY bored teenager!!
But...
In the off chance he really is a WH...I hope he learns a thing or two about reconciliation from us!

Once again...a girl can dream, right?
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

TryingHard said...

Oh boy Shawn, I tried really, really, really, hard not to say anything to that fat third grader, but in the end I just couldn't help myself!

I can't help but call bullshit when I see it anymore.

living4me said...

Although I appreciate roth lee's honesty with us, I feel sorry for his wife who has no clue after two years he is still in unrequited love with his ow. I have a feeling a lot of WH's have these feelings though. My husband was and is doing everything right after dday but he too was depressed for a year or so after his split with ow. I don't think you develop such deep feelings for someone and can just turn those feelings off like a light switch. I watched him deal with the loss of her, the loss of the old him, the loss of the old me and the loss of our old marriage. I expect roth lee to go through a period of detoxing the oxytocin the romance created out of his body, but if he is still pining after two years, I have a feeling his pining probably doesn't have anything to do with his ow but is most likely a drug or a fix to escape other things in his life. I hope he gets help.

Kate M. said...

I agree with all of your responses to Roth Lee.
I think Living4me theory is likely correct, that the pining is more about a drug/fix to escape the realities of life. That's what most affairs are about at the root of things.

I also think RL may be an OW who was dumped, playing the role of a pining betrayer. Just for kicks. Who knows....

BS said...

I think Roth lee, the guy who claims he is pining for his OW..., is likely an OW.

I see this a lot on OW forums. The OWs are insisting that their former boyfriend loved them more than the wife and still loves them, even though he dumped them like yesterdays trash, for the wife.

As for me, I gave my husband a Poly and his response to do you love the OW, was NO! No, and No, goodness no!

According to the polygrapher, He was being truthful

The same to the question do you miss
The OW.

Now his answer to do you regret meeting the OW was yes. And, to that the polygrapher also said he was telling the truth in that response.

The OW is still stalking us, and when we see her car in our neighborhood, I can without a doubt see that he clearly looks upset and annoyed and a bit sickish.

If Roth Lee is actually a man...a man who saw his OW as anything other than a piece of cake to eat on the side, well than, be a man and Marry the women you love.

I think you don't marry her, not because of your kids, I think it's because you know she will likely cheat on you.

If you cared about your kids, you would not have robbed money, time and attention from them to give to a low life women who is cheating with a married man with kids.

And, Also, I think you know that if you ever get ED, she will likely demand that you use one of those humiliating penis pumps so you can satisfy her, otherwise, you surely know she will look elsewhere for a good stiff one.

No man stays just for the kids.

And, BTW, studies show the kids are better off in a home where the parents love each other, not one where one parent is pining after someone else.

Because if you are pining for the OW, you are still a liar and cheat. You have not change, and you are setting a poor example for you kids.

roth lee said...

I apologize. I did not mean to cause an uproar here on this blog. I was just speaking my truth. And no I am not a teenager and no my name hasn't anything to do with Van Halen although, yes I am a fan.

I cheated because yes, my marriage was broken. Somewhere along the way, I gave up on my spouse. I convinced myself I’d never be happy with her, so I did what your husband's most likely did...convinced myself that my ow was the person I should have married. But as millions of cheaters before you have discovered, this is merely your brain on drugs. And unfortunately my brain is still on drugs, in silence.

And I'd be willing to place big bets on the fact that most of your husband's brains are still on "drugs" as well...regardless of what he tells you, regardless of what unkind things he may say about the ow, regardless if you've reconciled or not, regardless if you are three years out or not. He still thinks of her, trust me, he does. If you think he doesn't you are still lying to yourselves. The only way he doesn't think of her, is if she went complete fatal attraction on you all after the affair was exposed.

With that truth being said, I know no matter what I think, no matter what my endorphin-laced brain is telling me, I know affairs are a lie. They hook people in and they destroy lives in the process.

I want to be married to my wife and makeup whatever hurt I caused. Yes we are in MC and IC. Just taking it day to day. Once again sorry if I riled you ladies up. I didn't mean to. I'm still a work in progress.

Anonymous said...

BS - Well said. It is not fair to RL's wife if you are secretly pining for this OW. Which is just longing for a 'fix' from reality. It is a fantasy, not reality. Men need to grow up. You can't be a part-time father/husband - you are either all in or all out, anything less is shameful.

~Brenda

TryingHard said...

RL

Ok I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you are really an adult :)

No you did not cheat because your marriage was broken. You cheated because YOU are broken. You should have learned this in MC/IC 101. YOu continue to make excuses for your cheating. I'm not against divorce, I am against cheating. You're not happy and are "pining" for someone else, man up and be honest with your wife. I would bet she has NO idea you are still fantasizing about your former girlfriend. You are still in your affair. You are doing no one any good by staying in your relationship and deceiving your wife. It's not fair. Saying you're doing it for your kids is a chicken shit excuse and it is wrong.

You didn't ruffle my feathers. I just can't believe there are actual men out there that think and act this way 2 years out.

We all act crazy during this time both BS and CS and Shawn's blog depicts just how crazy we can get and that by the Grace of God we figure it out before it's too late. You Roth Lee it seems have wasted the last 2 years of your recovery by still living in your fantasy land. And NO my H does not fantasize in the least about the OW. It's over and his relationship with her is the biggest shame of his life, but he's a real man that knows what he has to do to come to terms with his demons. We have a wonderful and loving relationship thank you very much! So speak for yourself pal!


Michele said...

I am sure that people are going to jump all over me for this comment and so be it. First I want to say that I love this blog and can't wait to hear the ending of this story.

Second, I actually did what roth lee is pining to do and if he is real I have some advise for him. My husband and I were both married to other people when we started our affair 6 years ago. We both left our spouses and married each other. It was the correct choice for us. We were both in horrible marriages. I was so unhappy I was drinking and drugging myself nearly into rehab. He was being verbally abused and working himself nearly to death with three jobs just so he would't have to go home. I do not regret the decisions we made because it was right for us but it wasn't all roses either and we have to work hard everyday on our relationship just like the many spouses on this blog. No matter how "in love" you are or how you are each other "soul mates" real life has to set in. You can't live everyday day life meeting in hotels wearing
sexy lingerie. Every relationship starts out that way. Once everyday life sets in you have to make sure to try everyday to keep the magic alive. In our first marriages we were beyond that point but I think a lot of spouses on this blog are not.

My point is this, do not think if you leave your wife to be with the other women it is going to be like it was when you were having the affair. It took us the entire first year of our marriage to settle in and in the process he lost both his kids because neither one speaks to him. My kids live with us and love him but he still feels the lose of his kids.

If you can stay and work it out then do but don't stay pining for another women as that is unfair to your wife. You are putting this other women on a pedestal. If you honestly think she is the one for you then "man up" and be with her but you want the best of both worlds now. You want credit for being the "good guy" and choosing to stay with your wife but you want our sympathy because of the sacrifice you are making not being with your "true love". If she is your true love then go for it like my husband and I did. We are both much happier but we are NOT perfect and neither is our relationship.

Again, I am sure people will jump all over me but I really am just trying to be honest. This whole experience has taught me not to judge people as you can never know what they are going through and to forgive people when they make mistakes and let us down as everyone is only human.

BS said...

Roth Lee

You haven't created an uproar.

We are just calling it as we see it.

What I see is that you are really going way too far out of your way to opine about how ALL other men in affairs think, rather than thinking about your own pining.

People in real emotional pain, typically only think of their own pain.

But, I realize each human is unique so maybe you are real. And, if you are another human being in pain, I feel for you.

You need to talk to your Individual counselor about why... two years out.. you are still pining for your OW.

It's not fair to your wife or your kids, if you truly want to be with the OW so much that the pining is taking over your thoughts.

And, it's not fair to you.

Do all men think of the the OWs or other people they had sex with?

Of course, unless they had a massive stroke and developed amnesia.

I sometimes think of former boyfriends, whom I thought far too little of to marry, too. At least now and then.

Those former dates may have been lusty sexual partners, but the bottom line was I did not feel they were worthy of marriage.

I did like having sex with some of them though.

But I don't pine and I am glad I did not marry them....no matter how lusty the sex was with them.

So, if you are so in love with this other women, that two years out you are still pining for her, then for cripes sake, my friend, man up and set your wife free.

And set yourself free, too.




TryingHard said...

Hi Michele

There is nothing I like more than calling bullshit when I see it, but your post is valid and I will not be one who says otherwise.

Although I don't believe in the way you and your husband's relationship started and I think your future is likely wrought with peril, I understand and hear where you are coming from. I'm sure there is more to the story as well. Too bad you both didn't leave your marriage before having an affair but what is done is done and I'm pretty sure you wish the same thing. The sadest part of your story is his alienation from his children. And I hope you are not fooling yourself enough to believe that his love for your children has taken the place of his own children. He must feel awful, but it was his choice so he has to live with it. What a shame though.

You gave good advice to Lee Roth though from an experienced point of view.

Like I said I am not against divorce I'm against cheating and I too believe he is still cheating. And for that I was probably pretty tough on him, but people like this need to be shaken out of their obvious delusions and you did a good attempt as well.

Anonymous said...

Why is everyone jumping down roth's throat? We can learn from posters like him. And BS, yes some waywards so still think of their OW. My hubby moped around the house a year after DDay and then I noticed him putting songs up on his social media pages 6 months out that didn't seem to be in no way for me. I put my bitch boots on and told him where the door was. I was not about to sit around and watch him mourn this girl. He was a changed man. I had no idea where the old him went. Mid life crisis affair for sure. He didn't come out of his fog until he knew I was dead serious about leaving. So yes in my case, my husband did mope and mourn and act in strange ways to deal with his loss, but boo hoo, I wasn't going to have it.

BS said...





Since Michelle and Roth are playing devil's advocate, let me turn the tables on them, just for food for thought.

Is an affair partner who married a cheater sure the cheater is only moping around because he is ONLY missing the kids?

Perhaps he is really moping because he is pining after his old life with his former wife and kids as an intact family unit. One he now realized he destroyed, and regrets losing?

I mean both Anonymous and Roth lee raised a point. It's a sweeping generalization, and does not apply to all people in affairs, but one to ponder none the less.

Roth Lee said , and I quote him:

"And I'd be willing to place big bets on the fact that most of your husband's brains are still on "drugs" as well...regardless of what he tells you, regardless of what unkind things he may say about the ow, regardless if you've reconciled or not, regardless if you are three years out or not.

He still thinks of her, trust me, he does.

If you think he doesn't you are still lying to yourselves. The only way he doesn't think of her, is if she went complete fatal attraction on you all after the affair was exposed."
----------------------


Anonymous:

I am sorry that your husband was moping around.

If mine had moped because he was pining, I would have filed, I would not have stuck around to reconcile.

That was why I insisted on a Poly. If it was positive for him loving the OW or missing her, I was gonna' let him have her. No reconciliation possible.

As for thinking of the OW, read my other post. Yes, I am quite sure all people sometimes think of a former sexual partner. I do. So.

I also occasionally think of the lady that was kind to me when I fainted on the subway. And, I only met her once and for about 5 minutes.

I occasionally also think of a deer that I saw get hit by a truck on the highway, that I tried to rescue, and I may even mope about it.

My main contention with Roth lee is his generalization that all men miss their OW as he does, and his states it as a fact that applies to every man.

Thinking about and pining about are worlds apart.

And, I also question why he feels the need to make that generalization. A generalization which is not supported by research on a forum like this with such conviction.

The research does not support that the majority of men pine for their OW. So, maybe your husband missed the lustful aspects, but that's it.

Men can compartmentalize sex better and an affair is typically for MOST men just a sexual adventure.

Now, research shows the women in affairs are different, the majority of women want marriage, even when they say they don't, and that is why they turn into bunny boilers more than the men.

BetterEveryDay said...

I've got to weigh in here on the mopey husbands..

To Roth Lee I say, if you are not in love with your wife and truly think you belong with your former AP, then by all means run to her. You are probably misguided, but who cares? Your wife deserves a husband who loves her and is in the marriage 100%, and you?…you deserve to find out what it would truly be like to spend the rest of your days with your so-called fantasy woman. Your children are being modeled to by a father who does not even love their mother; what kind of an example does that set? So, no need to be self righteous, just move along...at least you will finally be showing your children how to live in truth and not deception.

When I think back on my own experience, the mopiest and most unhappy I ever saw my husband was when he was living a duplicitous life as a liar and a cheat. That was NOT the man that he wanted to be, nor the person whom he wanted his children to model themselves after. I don't care how great a fuck the OW is, it is like selling your soul to the devil unless you are some kind of a sociopathic human being. You cannot tell me that any mother or father would recommend infidelity as a life choice for their children. Then why do so many accept it for themselves? Selfishness..that pretty much sums it up.

There is a reason why people call it the "affair fog". My husband was in it too, but once he came out, there was no moping around or pining for his clingy, neurotic (and married) AP. The last thing I wanted was to stay married to a man who was in love with someone else, and I assured him that he was free to go and be with her. Funny thing was as the fog cleared, he realized that love had nothing to do with it. He was actually relieved to find his way out of this quagmire of guilt and deception, and his thoughts turned to "oh shit…how do I save my marriage and my family?!?"

So Roth, your kids are smart…probably smarter than you are. Set an example for them by being the kind of person that you hope for them to someday be. Be real, get counseling, and if you don't love their mother then at least treat her with the respect she deserves.

BetterEveryDay said...

Sorry all, one more thing...

I realize that I may have appeared to come down hard on Roth Lee, but my comments were really meant for anyone who is currently involved in, or considering having an affair. The collateral damage and heartbreak to the betrayed spouse and children is my first and foremost concern.
Unhappy in your marriage? Fix it or get out. Unless you are in an open marriage, don't string along your unsuspecting spouse on a ride they didn't sign up for.

Jam said...

I want to address Roth Lee. I don't know if Roth Lee is Asian or American.

Anyway,I am a child who discovered that my father had been living with OW for a or 2 years before he died in a car accident in 1986. I do remember vividly that I saw a lady paying respects to my father and my mother slapped her. And of course, my 7 uncles pulled my mother away. And all of them went to the back of funeral palour. At that time I was 11 years old.

After the funeral was over, I asked my mother about the lady. She cried and I didn't ask her as we all were still grieving.

But I CAN REMEMBER that ever since that incident, my mother changed 180 deg. She became a quick tempered and a shadow of her former shade. Up to now, she refuses to believe men are good.
Yes as you can guess, she never re marry. She raised me and my brother singlehandedly.

I only knew about my father's infidelity when I was in high school. I was hurt and destroyed all the letters except for the last one from my father. In fact, I was deeply glad that he DIED.

And I asked my mother whether my father's family knew about his OW. Apparently yes, that explains why we never got invited to family gathering starting from 1984.

You see, we live in Singapore and my father worked in Kuala Lumpur since 1985.

Anyway, yet she still loves my father and without fail, she cleans my father's urn in temple and every month she visited his urn.

She even reminds me that once she passed on, she wants her urn to be placed beside him. Silently inside my mind, I WILL THROW HIS URN AND STEP ON HIS ASHES. If my mother asks me in the netherworld why I don't put his urn beside her urn, I will say I am sorry.

Since now, I am still harbouring bitter hatred against my father and really want to ask 4 questions

1. Does he really love his family when he lived with his OW?
2. Where do we stand in his heart when he led double life?
3. If he lived on and we found out, what would he react? Walk out or stay on?
4. If he didn't pass away, we would not be struggling and thanks to him, I began to obtain my masters without any assistance.

People often comment that I am cold hearted. If not, I won't be in this position. Should I thank THIS BASTARD?

And I repeatedly asked my mother if she has OW's address. She said she didn't have and she stopped me from asking uncles. I think my mother knew I will make things DIFFICULT for the OW DEFINITELY worse than Shawn. I admit I am capable of doing it without any apology.

I think and wish my mother would read Shawn and others' blogs. But in 1986, technology was not advanced.

Roth, do you really want your children to be like me? You better think twice.

Why do I suddenly read these blogs? Thanks to the recent uproar over Oxide Pang's infidelity which was highlighted all over Malaysia and Singapore. On a travel trip, I picked up a newspaper which screamed AFFAIR. It opened up raw injury inside me and I wonder how my mother tolerate.

So I prowl over the net. I feel much better after reading the grieved wives but I must settle it with OW ONE day if I have the opportunity.

May

shawn thewife said...

(((May))): I am so sorry you are in such pain because of the mistakes your father made. Feelings of betrayal and abandonment can run very deep.

I hope you find way to move past what he did. His affair had nothing to do with you...in his mind anyway. Cheaters are selfish. They don't think about the families at home. The OWs don't either. They live a secret fantasy life based on lies. It's pathetic. They just don't think about the trauma they cause those at home because it's all about getting what they need.

The OW is not worth your time, energy, anger or even another fleeting thought. Please don't allow her to impact your life anymore. It was your father that betrayed your family. If you can't find forgiveness for him, I totally get that, but please don't transfer that anger to the OW. I promise you...it does nothing but prevent healing. You deserve to find your Road to Happy.

I know it's hard to fill up the hole that the anger fills, but its' worth the effort. Focus on what makes you happy today. Take good care of you!
Come back here if you need support. We aren't going anywhere.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

TheMostStupidMan said...

Hi there,

I'll start with saying I am a cheater who devastated and burned my loving girlfriend.

I have just found your blog. I read your early posts and it seemed like I should hear your word for what I've done.

I don't want to keep this long but may not succeed, sorry for that.

I cheated on my girlfriend of 7 years, only one time. It happened with a mutual friend of ours. There was no nudity, no intercourse, (I hope I don't break any rules of being explicit) we used an ice cube over our private parts by pushing under our jeans. I came to my senses and pushed her away telling "I love my gf, this is wrong" only to find out I was already too late. I felt devastated and hated myself, yet our relationship with my gf was not so good at that time. (We had had a breakup prior to this event which she left me for a guy whom she liked for years, before we met, they did not even went out for a coffee as far as she told me while we were separated, she told these after we started dating again) So I panicked and did not tell her anything in fear of a breakup. I also was not able to break contact with the other girl since she was a friend of ours and that would lead to questions which I was fearing cowardly.

Still, after one week, I tried to tell her, tried to ease in, she took them for jokes or some weird fantasy and I lost my already non-existent courage. I think this was way more bad than what I actually did.

Finally, two years later, I told her everything. She was resentful, angry, all you can imagine. We are (were?) living together, she left the house and staying at her childhood friend.

We had conversations over email and phone, I told her that I can only imagine to know how much damage I caused, how I hurt her, what I have taken from her starting with her unconditional trust. She trusted me so much, I took away all of that in one stupid mistake, a really big one.

I told her that I was ready to do anything in my power, I know it won't be easy and will take a lot of time for her to forgive me (if she ever will) but I am willing to wait for eternity if necessary.

I take all responsibility of my actions. No one forced me to do this, it was all my fault. I think why I have done it but saying "I felt unsuccessful and lonely at that time" looks like I'm trying to shift the blame, I don't ever never want to do that. I am to blame.

I offered to leave the house so that she can find her space and take her time to decide what to do with me, she did not want me to do that, at least not yet. She is not working and I am the provider, I wanted to support her because she had trouble working and wanted to enhance her profession (she is an illustrator) and I encouraged it. I will continue to support her any way I can.

She had lots of depression problems before and took therapy, she is already on an anti-depressant at the moment and she kinda does not believe in the idea of counselling so I have not yet brought couples counselling yet.

This is already too long.

I am really sorry for what I did, I don't even think of thinking doing it again or whatsoever. But all it takes is one time I guess.

I don't expect any good word from you or anyone else here. I don't deserve it. I don't want to lose her, perhaps you believe me and give me some advice.

Thank you very much.

shawn thewife said...

StupidMan: I left off the MOST part of your name because I don't think you're even close to the MOST stupid. you don't sound stupid now at all. Let's just say you were temporarily stupid....and selfish.

I'm not gonna blast you for your mistake. You seem to be doing a very good job of that on your own. I'm not really sure what to tell you. You have accepted total responsibility for your actions and you say you are willing to do the hard work to reconcile with your GF.

I can only tell you that she will most likely be struggling with her emotions for a long time. If you are truly in it to win it (That's what Richard used to say to me) then patience is the key, that combined compassion and understanding will show your GF you want to help heal her heart.

Let her know you want to give her what she needs now, space, reassurance, transparency...whatever. That might make it possible for her to find a way to trust you again. Probably never the same way as she did before, but that's not such a bad thing. Most betrayed spouses find a new way to love without blind trust.

I always say this to betrayed spouses...Time is your friend. It holds true for the recovering cheater, too.
Good luck.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

StillVeryStupidMan said...

You must be a heavenly angel for replying me. You cannot imagine how much it means to me. Thank you very very much.

We talked again yesterday. Though I told her a couple times before, she wanted to hear all the details which I told in all my honesty, not limited to what I did but how I felt in every step. It was very hard for me and I am glad it hurt me, it should hurt. I should've thought before cheating.

I am not trying to shift the blame yet the other girl was fully aware of what she was doing while I was confused to the last moment if everything happening at that moment was real or not. This is very hard for me to confess but I was selfish and thought it was good to feel that someone, anyone can be interested in me. Still all blame is mine. I should've tried to fix my relationship, not destroy it.

My girlfriend now thinks very bad of the other girl (surely) and I can't understand this well but she might be rationalising my actions based on my weak state at the time due to our problems and the other girl's seductive manners. During our talk, I also sensed she might be thinking like "This is the worst, what worse can happen anyway". She seems to accept me again but I cannot tell for sure yet, she hasn't declared it.

What I am afraid of is, I don't want any cheap forgiveness. I don't deserve it yet my girlfriend might be trying to cover up and forget everything, which I also believe is impossible.

How should I proceed? I told her that thinking the future in any way is early, I am willing the to give her all the time and space.

I become very happy when we talk like before, about trivial things or our cats, even being able to laugh at things once or twice. But I am guilty and I want her to fully understand that I am here, with my mistake, still loving her and will move mountains if I have to. Not out of my guilt but out of my love. I will always hurt and suffer from my own stupid selfish mistake deservedly but I don't want it to cloud my judgement and become my primary motivation if our relationship continues, love and caring should be there for us. I am trying so hard for this, I've already tried for this for two years (even though it was dirty with my unacceptable lies).

I just want her to feel this. Hopefully I will show her. Since we have somewhat gained a kinda normal conversation tone, I am thinking to compose a song for her, in a mildly funny tone. No I can't sing, I barely know how to play a guitar but I don't care. Is that a bad idea?

I can't stop talking when I start, I'm sorry I -again- kept this long.

From my experience, I am sure of one thing though. Especially when it comes to one time cheaters like me (not those having emotional long time affairs or those serial cheaters), there is a pattern and a big tell-tale sign. Perhaps someone reads it before becoming the stupid man and save his/her relationship.

Those with insecurities and paranoia, those who think they would NEVER, EVER cheat, they are the ones closest on earth to cheating.

I say this because I was that person. I know there are things wrong with me that I need to fix more than my cheating. My cheating actually cannot be fixed, it's all my fault which I'll take to my grave with all the agony along.

Shawn, you are one of the strongest person I have ever known or heard of. I know I don't belong to your sacred blog, I can only thank you so much for letting me talk.