After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

The Fog

When the kids got home, Richard and I were moving slowly.  I couldn't accept the fact that he wouldn't call Jaymie and tell her it was over.  I know now that he was still in "The Fog".  I learned that term from others that have been in this exact place in an online support group.  Didn't find those wonderful people until just a month ago.  Better late than never, to be sure.

"The Fog" refers to the mindset of the cheater, or wayward spouse.  It's a fantasy place.  A place where no one asks the cheater to take out the trash or drive the kids to soccer practice.  A place where Jaymie took Richard by sending him emails and texts that told him how amazing he was, how special.  Where the sex is new and exciting and the phone conversations pulse adrenalin through every fiber of the body.  Can you remember what it felt like when you fell in love for the first time?  Your heart jumps every time the phone rings and you always feel a few butterflies in your tummy.  Pretty good feeling, right?  You bet.  Especially for a man that feels he's getting old and has lost much of his self-esteem.  Mid-life crisis opens the door to the "The Fog".

I must have asked him a dozen times why he wouldn't call her!  It was just so surreal, completely out of character for him.  He insisted he had to do it his own way, in his own time.  I asked what he would tell the kids?  Of couse, he wanted to say he had to go away for the night for work, but there was no way in hell I would stand for more lies.  Besides, in my mind, he wasn't just going for one night.  At that point I had no idea how long he'd be gone, maybe forever.  I told him he was going to tell them the truth.  He needed to face the pain that he had caused to our family.

We called the kids outside.  Our daughter had just turned 17 and our son was nearly 13.  They listened as Richard told them that he HAD to leave.  I think that was his way of saying...this is Mommy's idea, not mine.  Without missing a beat, our son asked, "What did you do?"  With his head down, Richard answered, "I've been dating someone else."  Our daughter began to cry, but she managed to say one thing to him before they both walked away from us.  "That's a crappy thing to do."

Truly, she understood the situation perfectly.  It was the crappiest thing a husband and father could do.  Selfish, cruel and more likely than not, unforgivable.  Betrayal of this magnitude cuts deeper than you can imagine.  I have always abhorred men that cheated.  Richard knew that about me.  I mean, who doesn't?  They are low life, chickenshit scum bags that want their wives to keep washing their underwear while they create a separate fantasy life for themselves.  It's disgusting!  You want another life?  Tell your wife!!  Maybe she'd like that kind of life, too.  But, he thought he deserved a mistress.  Yep.  Those were his words.
I watched him pack.  I told him to be sure and take enough socks and underwear, all of which, I had been washing for the past 30 years.


Linda T. said...

Hi Shawn,
I know I commented on HH, but I was reading your blog, as I couldn't sleep right now. My hip and knee are hurting to bad and I didn't want to sleep with my H. I just finished doing pictures on FB for my daughters birthday. I do a little thing for all the children and 7 grandchildren for all their birthdays. The problem is, that when I'm going through the pictures, I look at them and remember that he was with her during that time. I look at him and wonder, how could he stand there smiling, during our daughter's wedding, vacations, graduations, etc., while having an A. So, I want to take every picture and burn them, but the children or other family members are in them. So, it hits me every time, he was holding me last night and I just feel so cold towards him right now and have for over a year. It's not getting any better, it's actually worse. I feel like I'm living my own separate life and we are just room mates.
I was like you, I hated anyone who cheated and was so proud of my H and our love for each other. We got married at 18, had never been with anyone else, so when the DD happened, needless to say, I went into shock.
Like you, I remember buying him a new bathing suit for a weekend with her, thinking he was going on a conference for work. He actually took my tennis racket (for her to use) so he could show her how to play tennis. He took her to the same restaurants, hotels where we had celebrated anniversaries, dancing places, etc. Like you, I helped him pack so he would look nice, kissed him goodbye and told him to have a great time. Then didn't understand why he wasn't sexy or loving when he got home on Sunday. He would tell me that he was extra tired after the weekend and would make love another night. So, we both have shared a lot of the same things and it all stinks. I still get sick to my stomach, knowing that he loved someone else, wrote unbelievable love letters to her, took her to lunch on her birthdays and slept in the same bed with her, after being married to be for 23 yrs. It's still to be determined if they actually had sex on those 3 weekends in 3 yrs.? The lie detector test pretty much said that they didn't. What it didn't clarify was, "Did he not have sex because he wasn't able to, or he didn't plan to?" Of course he says the latter, as it was to much of a commitment, but I don't know if I'll ever know. He still took 3 yrs. out of my life, not showing me the attention that he should have, nor his children and he was a lying cheat! Then I had Melanoma after finding out about the DD, one month later and a total Hysterectomy 18 months later, all due to stress and I firmly believe that. So after his 3 yr. fling, it took me (he went, but didn't participate) 5 yrs. of therapy to decide to stay with him. So, that's 8 yrs. out of our life that was messed up by him. Their were other years after that, where his drinking caused problems and he argued with me a lot, so all of this has made me question why I stayed with him? If I could do it over, I wish I had left when I was 41 yrs. old, it's harder now at 68. I think my life would have been a lot happier, even if I was alone. I'm sorry this is so long, just don't feel happy tonight and am very mixed up and sad again. I was feeling better, but I still am having the flashbacks of them together and his deception to me. I don't know this man that I married, because that man wouldn't have hurt me this bad, if he truly loved me.
So, Shawn, keep posting and take care of yourself.
Hugs, LindaT

shawn, the wife said...

OK..first thing: You got him to take a lie detector test?? Really? Wow! Well played! Did it help?
Second...and most important: If you still can't be happy with him after all this time, why have you stayed with him? I am in no place to advise anyone, but I'm just curious. It was so many years ago. If he hasn't become the man you thought he was or the man you need him to be, I don't think he's gonna change, so what's making you stay?

shawn, the wife said...

Linda: Going back through my blog this morning. Noticed you never responded to my reply to your comment above. Maybe you didn't see it? I have no clue how this blog thing works once I post and send it off into cyber space. Not sure if anyone sees when I reply to their comments. If you do read this, please post a reply. The whole lie detector thing....I want details!

Pippi said...

Underwear. It's a huge trigger for me. I HATE doing laundry now. Hate it with a white hot passion. Even though I threw out every pair of underwear he owned after I realized it was triggering me, I still get triggered.

I should probably make him doing his own damn laundry. Or perhaps I should just drop it off on his OW's porch? How many weeks do you think I could do that before I'd earn a restraining order? :-)

Unknown said...

I understand the woman of 68.... Im not there yet,but its been two years DD for me and what is frightening I read and read and read thousands of support sites blogs etc. And all these women....10 20 even 30 years later the pain loss and sadness remains. PS. The reason its a minimum of 5 years to repair is because they are no longer the person you met and fell in love with. That person died with thier act of adultery. You wont know what you have on your hands till five years DD PSS Passing a lie detector only proves thier belief in thier own lies.

shawn, the wife said...

(((Unknown)))) We may be close to the same time frame on our journey to healing, but it sounds like your path has some pot holes.
Is your WS helping you, supporting you and going to MC with you? Without the WS making a complete commitment to healing, the BS suffers so much more. I think that is why LindaT, in the post above, is still in so much pain years after the A.
I understand what you mean when you say the WS "died" after the A. There must be a "rebirth", kind of corney, but a reasonably accurate description. The WS needs to learn a great deal about himself, just like a child, so healing can begin for both partners.
I don't doubt the standard 5 year rule for recovery, but we all know each situation is unique. I can only speak for myself and share what I've read on all the same blogs and support sites you've read. Self education is a wonderful thing, but you can't beat a good MC or IC! Our MC saved us. Never thought I'd need counseling, but I also never thought my WH would bed a 24 year old.
Live & Learn!
Hope & Hugs,

shawn, the wife said...

Pippi: I can't go into a Victoria's Secret anymore. That's right...WH bought OW (I like BW instead of OW, stands for bitch-whore. Think it'll catch on?) some lovely delicates there during a random shopping spree. Bought her all kinds of crap that day.
I'll get to blogging about all that soon enough. Wait until you read what I did about the goodies she gathered from WH.
Oh, the drama!
Hope & Hugs,

De said...

Oh geez! Triggers. I'm 9-mos. out from D-Day. Triggers are such a bitch. On that subject BW is perfect and I'm adopting it as of this moment. When the BW moved back to where she came from (thank God) he met her at the beach to say goodby. I can only imagine... Anyway, it was the same place he took me when he proposed to me. Now, we still go to that place (the inlet), because my son loves it there, but I have to really fight with some strong emotions while I'm there. I doubt that he actually even thought of our proposal when they met up there because it doesn't seem as though he thought much at all about anything, but wow. It HAD to be the inlet? Condom commercials tick me off too. Evidently, they used those (thank God) but is it totally nuts to wonder who supplied them? BW or him? I know it's nuts to wonder, but there it is and I can't make it go away!

shawn, the wife said...

So many places we don't go anymore because Richard took the BW there. The hardest is Richard's office. I know they did it in there! Soon after DDAy, during an extreme bout of Hysterical Bonding, I made Richard take me there and do it with me! I wanted to wipe her ass print off that couch and stake my claim to it!
But, you know what's funny? He took her shopping at Nordstrom. My favorite store! Somehow, I don't care about that one. No way in hell would I ever give up Nordstrom!! Mind over matter, Baby!
Hope & Hugs,

De said...

Okay, almost fell out of my chair! "Wipe her ass print off" killed me!