After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Lessons Learned in the Trenches of Adultery

I need help from those of you that have followed my escape from Crazy Town.  You made it out, too.  You all have Walked the Road to Happy.  Many times it was my readers that pulled and pushed me along the Road.  I'm asking you to help those that may still be reading.  I'm not enough.
Here's what I hope to hear from each of you....
After you rode the tsunami of betrayal, after you struggled to survive the rough, raging breaker all the way to safety on the shore of reconciliation, did you feel like you learned anything from the traumatic experience?
At the very least, we learned we are stronger than we ever imagined.

 I feel like I learned a royal shit-ton.  I spent years on this blog writing about the tumult of my life A Year After the Affair.  The writing opened doors of my psyche I needed to explore to find a way to walk ahead on my Road to Happy.
Now, nearly 5 years after DDay, my marriage is good.  I wouldn't say great.  We've started to fall back into a few less than desirable patterns.  I still have walls that need to be torn down or at least pushed back, and I know Richard wants more than I am able to least for now.  But this post isn't about that.  I'll write more about that later.  I didn't mean to venture off and don't mean to leave you hanging.  Sorry.
Suffice it to say...we're good, just not great right at this juncture on the Road.

Back to the purpose of this post:
I wrote, people read (still shocks the crap out of me!), they commented and I absorbed the sage advice offered and was often enlightened.  I really want to spread some of that love around.
Even though my blog has been dormant, I still receive email almost daily asking me for advice.

Why do they read my story and then ask ME for advice?? I chalk it up to desperation.  We all felt it after DDay.
When the life you thought you knew so well turns out to be based on an inconceivable lie, the downward spiral begins.  We grab at anything to gain a momentary toe-hold.
Reaching into cyber space for help from the likes of me....A former resident of Crazy not gonna slow your fall for long, but if I can moderate the momentum and maybe alter the direction of the descent, I'm gonna reach back every time.

For any of you still reading, today I'm reaching back with a couple of knowledge nuggets that feel valuable to me.  Let's call them Lessons Learned in the Trenches of Adultery.
Forgive me if I sound like Captain Obvious from the battle of Infidelity.

1.  My marriage will always be a work in progress.  I know that the Road to Happy is a journey...not a destination.  So damn cliche', but accurate nevertheless.
2.  I am responsible for my own happiness.  No one can give it to me and if someone tries to take it, I'll find a way to get it back.
3.  Trust is an illusion. Boundaries are tangible and necessary.
4. Normal is not definable.  Everyone has their own normal.
5.  Yesterday only matters if we learn from it.  I'm all about today, tomorrow and gratitude.

I guess that's it.  That's really all I've got since I'm kind of talking general, constructive attitude adjustments.  I could bather on about Let the Bitch-Whore Go, but I'm loathe to bore you further unless specific questions are asked.

Help a girl out, will ya?  What did you learn, my friends?  What can you share that might just speak to another broken hearted spouse sliding into the abyss after DDay?  My contributions will never equal the wisdom of my readers.  Please, if you can, take a minute to post an encouraging word or a practical warning.  When you start thinking about it, you might be surprised at all the lessons you've learned.  The lessons never cease to amaze me.