Why couldn't I see that Jaymie was an addictive deadly poison? For my recovery, she was kryptonite.
Since DDay, I had been through the entire gamut of emotions, same as most betrayed spouses, utter shock, wretched grief, intense bewilderment and tumultuous anger. If you've been following my story you know how I handled myself the first couple of months after DDay. I hope you also know, that I was my own worst enemy.
It puzzles me. I had been meeting with the lovely Dr. K since the day after impact. She never told me to stay away from Jaymie. I had been talking to Dr. N with his magical bag of happy pills for a least three weeks, but he also neglected to let me in on that little nugget of wisdom. Why didn't they tell me that continuing to pull Jaymie into our lives might possibly make me the biggest moronic, betrayed wife on the planet??
Healing after you catch your spouse cheating is like raising children. There is no freaking map. It's one of the hardest things you will do in your entire life and nobody gives you an instruction manual. Well, that's not completely accurate. There are a shit-ton of books out there for raising kids and for recovering after an affair. Although, many of them might as well be written in Greek. My guide through the black hole of infidelity came from my computer screen and it took me over a year to find it.
Please use this post as a caution sign, a flashing red light or one of those TV warnings...PLEASE don't try any of this at home! I should been done with Jaymie after the phone call the first morning. I let the intense anger rule my actions. I couldn't direct that much anger at Richard. As much as I hate to admit it, I was scared he'd leave me for her! I hammered away at her for nearly a year. Such a monumental mistake for anyone that is dealing with betrayal.
I felt compelled to share that even though my story of revenge might make me sound like a bad-ass, it only proves that I was a HUGE dumb-ass. So, if you're out there reading and you think throwing the other woman under the bus would make you feel better, this is your cease and desist letter.
DON'T DO IT! Let her go. Ignore her. Get as far away from her as humanly possible. She can't answers your questions. She doesn't care about helping you at all. Announcing to the world that she's a husband stealing low-life skank will feel good for a minute, but the juice ain't worth the squeeze.
Maybe you can use this blog for sort of a vicarious pay-back rush. I really wanna save you the time and energy, Friends. Let the Bitch Whore go.
28 comments:
yeah, suck and it's so hard to do but there is a point where you just gotta let it go. for your own sanity's sake, right? you've been through hell!
I agree 100% that the OW isn't worth even a second of our mental space. I took the 'high road' for about a year. She tried to reach out to ME and I refused any communication. Then, at the holidays, I sent her a very short yet vicious letter. And then I realized that I looked like the crazy when in reality SHE's the crazy. Sigh. I still think of sending her an annual 'you're a psychopath whore' Christmas card, but again then I look like the crazy. The crazy who can't get over this when she has. And she looks like the high roader. Ugh. This whole situation sucks, doesn't it?!
I think it's better to pay no attention to the OW. Even with ongoing contact with the mother of the OC, I mostly just ignore her. She already looks like trash for the decisions she made. I don't need to do more. When I don't act like a bitch all the time, I hope it makes her feel horrible, but can't say so. The other OW, well I don't contact her either. I could never do enough to compensate for the cruel things she said to me. I have to continue with my life with my head held high and know that I have a clean conscience. I have no guilt or blame in this. It doesn't lessen the pain, but certainly doesn't add to it.
I totally agree with you. I too took my betrayal pain to crazy town and was elected mayor but I definitely don't beat myself up about it and neither should you Shawn. Your brain chemistry was all messed up and it was never your fault. We didn't get to make these choices, they were just forced upon us. It is just over twelve months since my D Day and for the most part I've let "the slut" go. This was a woman who had been in my home with her own husband and kids for social gatherings and we had mutual acquaintences. I try not to think about her anymore although that in itself is challenging when you have spent the best part of a year plotting her demise (and she lives in my suburb - urgh!). At some point you have to remind yourself that she just doesn't matter, she's irrelevant, a non entity. I refuse to be held down by the memory of what she and my husband did. I have a life to live and it sure isn't going to be giftwrapped in pain. I recently discovered your blog and have read every post and laughed out loud many times with self-recognition at some of the choices made whilst in the early throws of emotional agony. I look forward to reading more about your recovery from this horrendous experience in the days to come. We are in this boat together. Much love and best wishes for a bright future, another betrayed wife.
You are a very smart bunch of women! You understand how important it is to shut out the OW completely. I didn't get that at all! Polar opposite. For a year, I thought I couldn't move forward without answers from Jaymie. I went to great lengths to get her to face me.
I felt like I needed to share this post because as my story goes forward, I'm gonna be confessing a lot of behavior that I am pretty sure would earn me the title of Empress of Crazy Town! I so hope others reading will get that my blog should have a large footnote..."PLEASE don't do as I did"!!
Seriously, I so wish I could have a do-over.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Ah, do-overs! For the longest time I just kept fixating on "I wish this didn't happen"... I didn't want to accept the reality that this happened. The do-over concept was massively appealing. I think we ALL wish there were do-overs in life. I wish my husband could get a do-over, and I know he wishes for that too. I wish I could get a do-over to recognize when things were starting to head south (not that it's my fault, but I wish I could have seen the signs to head it off). But we live & we learn. A future do-over of sorts!
Hey Shawn, Thanks for the post! I'm a little more than two years since DDay and I still have the occasional day where the rage flares up out of nowhere. Unfortunately my OW spent the better part of the last year and a half harassing me -- it's amazingly hard to try to take the high road when she just shows up in your front yard (with the OC in her arms!) throwing a tantrum and screaming. I am just thankful I have been able to act level headed when she shows up. Of course, the fallout (my rage) comes later after she's gone and the police have dealt with her.
Hi Shawn, Thank you. I, ve been going round in circles since DDay (22nd déc. 2011). The rollarcoaster journey is still on going but you've made me realise that trying to take revenge on OW will solve absolutely nothing except make my recovery longer, harder. Our journeys are all different but thé emotions you describe in your blog have helped me realise that what I'm feeling is normal.
Thanks, Jenny
Erica: Love, Love, Love the "Future Do-Over" idea!!
We are smarter women now!! When we recognize mistakes we made, and we did...I know...not our fault, blah, blah, blah, but we LEARNED not to trust blindly. We learned what our spouses are capable of and we learned we can recover from horrible pain and sorrow.
Thanks for sharing the concept!!
Future do-overs rock!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
Susan: I don't think I could have stayed with Richard if there had been an OC. I remember asking Jaymie once, "Where did you think a relationship with my husband was gonna go? Did you actually think he would leave his family for you? Are you that stupid?"
Her response, "If there had been baby, things would have been different."
YIKES! That is the way she thought and it sounds like it was the same for the OW in your situation. They have a pretty little scenario laid out that doesn't come close to reality.
Taking the high road in your situation....you are my hero. I know the rage has to go somewhere, so I hope your WH gets that he deserves all you feel the need to dish out.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
(((Jenny))) There is no normal when dealing with infidelity. It's all so NOT normal, but as betrayed wives we do experience much of the same emotions. The pain, the rage, the depression and the endless questions!! UGH!
You are not alone. We are always here, but there is also a message board that can be a comfort to you.
http://afterthebetrayal.com/
You will find many understanding, compassionate people there to help you through this ridiculously difficult time.
You are gonna be OK. You already get that the OW is a waste of energy. That, my friend, is WAY more than I knew the first year! It takes a long, damn time but you will be better! Promise!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
I think it's more than letting the OW go, it's needing (obsessing) over the damn details of what happened and when.. Where was I physically and emotionally when it was all going down? Little things hit me when thinking of something from that time period and BAM! oh yeah... he was cheating on me. So, I understand the need to know and the need to let go all at the same time...
Anonymous: Obsessive thinking...brutal! There was very little room in my head for anything because all my brain matter was completely preoccupied thinking about dirty details of Richard with Jaymie, sappy lines from the emails they shared or how I could make them pay. I was certifiable.
The only break I got was when I went to work. Then, separate from the battle ground of my home sweet home, I was able to disconnect for a bit.
If I had treated Jaymie as nothing more than the convenient warm body that she was, I would have healed so much quicker. My marriage may not have recovered quicker, but I would have been stronger sooner. But, I was adamant that only SHE had the answers I needed. The answered we all crave after DDay. The answers MUST come from our WHs, so I maintain....to rid yourself of the compulsion for details...Let the Bitch whore go!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
I struggle with letting the BW go. I'm 6 months in. I have had no contact with her other than writing her a 4 page letter letting her know how she (and my hubby) had completely devastated my life. I also emailed her last month after she contacted my husband to ask how life was AND tried to call him. I told her to stop contacting my husband and to grow up and move on. How do you let the BW go when she is still in your life because THEY STILL WORK TOGETHER! She works at the corporate office downtown, he is at a suburban office. They are still in meetings together at least once per month. They are on the same emails together. How the heck do I let her go when she's not completely out of the picture? Believe me, I'd love nothing more for my husband to find a new job (actually for her to find a new job so my husband didn't have to), but with the economy the way it is and in my husband's field, it is hard. We have a baby to support now and a mortgage to pay. We depend on his paycheck. And, of course, this is the one job he's had that he loves. Ugh!!
Kari: This is a very important conversation you need to have with WH, preferably with a counselor in the room!
You need to establish boundaries with him. He can agree to share access to his computer, cell and even his office from time to time. I would insist they ONLY communicate professionally...period! Not even small talk...no, "How was your weekend?" NOTHING! Maybe you have already set up rules. I don't know where you are in your healing process.
Just remember...you lead the way to recovery. You set the rules. Your WH can talk all he wants about how sorry he is, but it's his actions that truly show his remorse.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
I just found this site and am already thankful. My d-day was 4 months ago and it is my 2nd time around. This time hurts so much more! Even though the actual "act" wasn't done (or so I'm told) The 1st time was a 6 month relationship with someone who was a stranger to me. This time I know her. My husband coaches a youth sport that our daughter is on. This OW is one of the Moms. She has been to my house. Our daughters are very good friends. My d has called the OW "mom"
The OW (who is also married with 6 kids)pursued my husband 1st. She did it in such a vulgar manner that most men would have had trouble resisting - NOT that I'm giving him an excuse. But, while we were at an out of town sporting event, she made her moves, after I went back to the hotel room. I left several of the parents and my older D in the lobby playing cards. At this point, she felt my husband up and whispered that she wanted to f*** him.... all in front of my other D
In the following days she continued to tell other moms exactly what her plans(insert here the sluttiest thing you can imagine - and I promise you her plans were 10x sluttier) were for my husband. She distracted him enough that it may have caused our team a National Championship. During this trip, we celebrated our Anniversary. She even helped get us a cake to celebrate. Wasn't that sweet of her?
Later on he told me that he thought it stayed out of town. But then she contacted him again. A month later, I found out that it continued once we all got back in town. Cell phone records show almost 800 texts (compared to 80 with me)between them.... and hours of actual talking time. He admits that they had "meetings" and shared a kiss - that supposedly meant nothing. But he continued to meet her because SHE needed him. Because she was in an awful marriage.
When I found out it was still going on, I demanded that he have no more contact with her. He said that since nothing happened, I was being unfair by telling him that he could no longer talk with a friend. We would stay up all night, many nights arguing over this. After I thought they were done, I discovered that they were still talking on her private work number for HOURS still. I gave him the ultimatum then.... her friendship or our marriage. He chose me. Did I consider revenge on her? Absolutely! Pretty sure that had I let her boss know, she would have lost her job... also confident that her husband doesn't know that part... since her gave her the same ultimatum over the texts.
Now, about my husband. He resented me until our kids found out it was still going on. You may ask how they found out. It was because the OW was still broadcasting her plans for him and another athlete told them! So, yes, this has been a VERY public thing. Our daughters demanded a family meeting and they requested honesty. He told them what had happened and also told them about the 1st time. After that, he totally changed his attitude towards me and I do believe that he has ended it with the OW.
My d no longer calls her mom. But, she does go to their house to spend time with her friend. The OW husband won't let their d come to our house. I still have to deal with the OW on the sports team. I honestly believe nothing has happened for approx 2mos. Hubby lets me vent, cry, scream, whatever I need at the time; without complaint. But I am still struggling VERY MUCH. I really want to put this behind me.
Anonymous: You are still in the very hardest part of recovery. I think the first year was all about utter confusion for me. Because I couldn't comprehend how my husband could hurt me so deeply, I couldn't find a way to heal.
If your wayward husband has cheated before, like mine had, thats a really bad pattern. He should be in counseling. He needs to figure out WHY he cheats. I hope both of you are in marriage counseling. I don't know what I'd have done without the help we received from the lovely Dr. K.
I know you want to "put it behind you" and just make it go away, but without some serious hard work and truly open and honest communication, that ain't gonna happen.
Really glad to know you have no further relationship with the OW, but I'm kind of shocked your daughter still does. To not let this effect your daughter's friendships is VERY generous of you.
Please let us know how you are. We all care.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
I don't understand why Jaymie wouldn't face you. I gave my MM's BS all the ammo she needed to make her decision. Whether you are the BS or the OW, us women need to support each other with honesty especially when both worlds are living in nothing but half truths & cold lies.
I was also cheated on a long time ago. I called that girl up & she gave me all the info I needed. Funny the things she didn't know because he never bothered telling her.
Anonymous: (Connie?? Is this you??)
Jaymie talked to me at first. She even met with Richard and I right after DDay. She just hedged her bets. She didn't want me to know it all. Who knows why? maybe she didn't want to alienate Richard. maybe she really didn't want to hurt me anymore. I hate to give her any benefit of the doubt in that regard, but its possible! Once her dad knew, she became the little girl protected by her Daddy. I hated that her dad never really acknowledged her part in the affair, but I recognize a parent defending their child at all costs. I gotta respect that.
Do I think she owed me? HELL to the YEAH!!
BUT...and here's the rub...I don't think any betrayed spouse should contact the affair partner...EVER...not even once. Who gives a flying, fuzzy rat's ass what they have to say?? They should be treated as the irrelevant piece of garbage that they are. The whole premise that they will be HONEST with us after participating in something so dishonest is preposterous!
Now...If I could have injected Jaymie with a little truth serum before interrogation...Mmmmmm....
No time for fantasizing today!!
Thanks for sharing your side of the triangle.
I appreciate it A LOT!
Hope & Hugs Shawn
Shawn,
Thank you for sharing your story. You have saved me from making a terrible mistake.
I recently contacted the OW via email because I have a drive to read the private messages she & H exchanges on Facebook. Of course he deleted them prior to sharing his password, but I'd bet anything she still has them. I had set up a lunch meeting with her under the guise of hearing her side of the story (she's 18, so that may account for why she believed that I'd ever want to hear that) and after reading your story I've backed out.
I still have that urge that the answers can be found in those messages, like when did the line blur, what did he tell her about us, but I also know I can't unsee anything I would've read had I talked her into sharing (I was going to tell her that I planned to give them to H as a reward for faithfulness at 1 year- would she buy it? I don't know, but that was the plan)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Donna
I am stopping myself from contacting the ow but i am in turmoil. It is 3 years since d day but he told me they were only kissing and groping each other and I had no reason not to believe him. It has been nearly 2 years since his death and my discovery 2 days after he died that in fact it had gone on longer than he said and they were having sex. He lost his job as I thought for their touching and kissing at work when in fact they were going into work early and having sex before others arrived. Having sex in front of a security camera that his employer saw, they both lost their jobs and I the fool believed his lies and ended up arranging a funeral whilst trying to get to the bottom of what happened. I rang her and got the same lies more my husband gave me eventually I rang his ex boss who told me the truth.
I thought of doing most of these things and a few that would land me in jail. (I'm a suburban stay at home mom...not a thug.). Thankfully, I didn't do more than send the slut a hateful text, and call her husband. I still have to resist the urge to spray paint whore down the side of her new SUV.
Anonymous: You are obviously a smarter and much more self-controlled woman than I am. Bravo.
She has a new SUV, huh? That means she probably has kids, right?
Damn. I hope for the sake of the kids, she finds a way to be a better person.
Stay the course, my friend. The high road will serve you well.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
I agree whole heartedly - let the low life, sleazy, selfish bitch whore go! I am five months post Dday and three weeks ago, I made up my mind to quit stalking her facebook (thankfully she lives 500 miles away!) At first, I had to constantly remind myself to let her go. I would be driving down the road and realize I had a constant dialogue going on in my head reaming her out for everything that had happened. Or when my WH and I are sharing a nice moment, out of the blue I would think,"she had these feelings for Richie."
Well guess what?! Who gives a shit?! (BTW, I never used to cuss but it just feels appropriate whenever I talk about this) She had no right to have any feelings towards my husband and anything she thought or felt is totally irrelevant and useless to me.
Since I "let her go", I have felt so much better! She really isn't a factor. My husband has said, "it wasn't about her. She was easy and convenient." I try hard to believe him. Every day is different - shoot, every hour is different- up/down, happy/sad, love him/hate him, stay/go. I ramble!
Missie: Making a decision to let the OW go is the first giant step on your Road to Happy. The fact that you were able to do it so early after DDay is a testament to your personal strength and IQ!
When it comes to the OW...you have it exactly right! "Who gives a shit?"
The ups & downs, the love him AND hate him....All normal. Our world was turned upside down, sideways and thrown for a wicked loop that most of us never saw coming. It takes our brains many hours/days/months and maybe years to process it all.
You don't have to deal with the mayhem alone.
We're here. We care.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
I need help letting go of the OW. She was my "friend". Or so I thought. In reality she was using me to access by husband. In hind sight I feel like such a fool/idiot. Used and abused,taken advantage of,shit on, etc... She is the epitome of pure evil. Spending way too much mental energy on what I would say or do if I had 10 minutes alone in s room with her. Tried the rubber band on the wrist to no avail. Feel like an irrational, crazy, psycho bitch. Help.......Dday was just 4 months ago.
Well, I already cussed her in two brief messages after I found out, but then I realized that maybe I could get her version of the story, dates, and maybe all the texts since he deleted them. Should I let it go? I want to make sure I've heard everything so I will feel satisfied and stop obsessing. :(
I was hit with a huge pucnh to the gut, the woman he was messing around with online, that he was convinced he had 'deep feelings for' was a freaking looker. At least that's how she protrayed herself in every single self abosrbed photo she posted and there were many.
A few months after DDay he had contacted her again, and I let rip: I messaged through FB some of his friends and a bunch of the OW friends telling them about the online affair and that even after discovery he went to the planned meet up with her, that he had lied to me, decieved me, made promises that he broke and the only reason they were hearing from me, HIS WIFE, was that he broke another promise and contacted her. I wanted them ALL to know so neither could hide what they had done and for their friends to put pressure on them if possible to knock it off. For the most part I was given a lot of support except from her apparent bestie and enabler friend who was also get this, the ex wife of the OW's soon to be ex - she had been the OW to her friend before they became friends - how twisted. She also told me that this woman didn't care about my husband, he was just entertainment. Sharing that with my husband is what I think finally killed any stupid lingering lust for the fantasy he wanted with her.
I obsessed for a while over her FB page, trying to get an idea of WHAT drew my husband, he finally explained it to me: she was his rock n roll fantasy girl, big red lips, red hair (dyed), tatooed, cool clothes, loved the same rock n roll he did, went to tons of shows all the time. Frankly, they spoke like stupid teenagers comparing records in the rec room. I threw things at him and told him to go find his freaking dream porn star rock girl because obviously I was never going to fit. I obsessed even more over her FB page checking it daily, trying to find new ways I was the better choice, the better person, but I always left feeling mousy, unattractive, dull, and sick.
Only recently have I stopped my once weekly page check, deactivated my fake account. She has been blocked from both our real accounts since I discovered a month + afterward DDay he still hadn't blocked her, kept telling me pathetically "I just can't lose her as a friend". I feel better bit better but there is still som poison to to clear from my system.
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