After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

The Agreement

The face off phone call happened later that night.  Richard came home and we planned what he would say to Jim.  Richard was sweating bullets, but he was ready to throw himself on his sword to get the money back for me.  I don't mean to make it sound as if backing me up on my quest for the cash was some great sacrifice on his part.  Hardly.  Appeasing me was in his best interest if he wanted to continue living under the same roof.

Sitting outside, in the dark, at our smoking table, on our second cocktail, Richard dialed Jim's number.  He didn't put the conversation on speaker phone.  I don't know why I didn't insist, but I think instinctively I knew I was pushing the envelope already.  The first part of their chat was all about Richard expressing his remorse.  His declarations of guilt made me nauseous.  I had heard those words of regret way too many times.  It's not that I didn't believe he was sincere.  I just didn't care that he was sorry.  What good is sorry if I knew I could never forgive him?
He apologized to Jim, but he didn't ask for forgiveness.  Perhaps he was starting to believe he didn't deserve any.

Yuckolla!  I was so over seeing my husband, the man that I always thought was my pillar of strength, become a limp-ass jelly fish!   I had to turn away.  I know it would not have gone well if Richard had not been contrite and humble, but Damn!  I would've paid good money (not to Jaymie or Jim, but to the Gods of Payback!) to hear my man say something like, "Jim...your daughter used me for financial gain.  I used her hot, young bod to get my rocks off.  Let's just call it a day and give Shawn her half of the cash back, then you can get on with your miserable little life."
Hey...we all have our fantasies.  Don't judge me.

After the prerequisite apologies, the debate began and it became crystal clear that Jim was determined to hear Richard say the cash had never been a loan.  Daddy Jim became One Note Johnny, beating the same dead horse relentlessly!
"Jaymie insists the money was never a loan."
My husband, the attorney, was ready for this argument.  "It doesn't matter, Jim.  Half of the money she received belongs to Shawn."
"I want to hear you admit that you gave Jaymie the money."
"I can't do that Jim."
"Just between Jaymie lying to me?  Did you loan her the money?"
"It is a moot point.  Half of the money is Shawn's and she wants it repaid.  I intend to back Shawn up in this request.  Shawn has been hurt badly.  She needs this to help her get past the betrayal."

Richard looked at me with pleading eyes!  "I can't do this!"
My eyes told him, in no uncertain terms, "Don't you dare let me down!"
I won't bore you with the repetitive dialog of the rest of the phone call.  The bottom line is, without a handshake or a signed contract, an agreement was made.

It was an agreement within a stalemate.  By the end of the deliberations, I was the only winner.  Richard never admitted the money was a gift or payment for services rendered, but he sure confessed to being a deplorable stereotypical middle aged adulterer.  Jim never found out if his daughter was lying about the money being a loan to save a small shred of her dignity or if she was merely a naive, school girl that couldn't say no to hundreds of dollars being thrown her way for a quick roll in the hay.

I won.  Jaymie was going to repay $500 at $100 a month.  The agreement was Jaymie would make the checks out to a charity, chosen by me, send the checks to me at work and I would forward them to the proper address after verification.  All very business like.

The kink in the future contact with anyone in her family.  Cased closed.  Cutting me off cold-turkey from Jaymie.  I believed she was the only person that could quiet the quandaries that haunted me constantly.  She was like my crack pipe!
You all know what happens to people coping with addiction withdrawal, right?
 The next few months were not gonna be pretty.


Anonymous said...

April 18, 2011...the day my life was no longer mine!
I read all of your posts and "felt" each and every emotion you wrote. Amazing how closely your "girls" matched mine.
I married my high school sweetheart, funny how I prided myself in that simply little fact. I bragged that I was so fortunate to find Mr Right - Mr perfect so early in life. We shared more than half of our lives together, two children, and 20+ years of history and memories. My friends often told me how lucky I was, Eddie was "the perfect man". Ha!
As I posted April 18, 2011 I received a phone call from my closest friend, Michelle. When I answered I heard
Her talking but not responding to me sayi g" hello - Michelle - hello - you call me". Laughing I thought oh she called by mistake!! Then I listened... I heard her on the phone talking to another friend if hers, Nicole. I heard Michelle say "Eddie knows I would treat him so much better than Christine. I told him he deserves so much more than she has ever given. He will see one day and I will make him so happy". I think my heart stopped. I knew that Eddie was having an affair with my "so called friend". I couldnt breath.
We were married 20 years and never did I ever believe he would stray!! I still cannot fully wrap my mind around it!! Everything you write regarding "the emotional roller coaster" is ME - or my heartache shoukd i say! You nailed it!!! The relentless agony of wanting revenge (i still want revenge - i want her to suffer every day and live a miserable life), the tentacles (omg they are truly there), the sexy sweet text messages, Even the amazing sex - this I am seriously enjoying and in an evil kinda way -want to thank the skank for! not that I would ever give her any credit for it!
It's been 16 months and my marriage is honestly much better than it has ever been. I mean this literally as well as emotionally. We talk, we laugh, we play, we love, and we simply enjoy each other. I know it sounds like I too have "caved" as this blogger you mention has so eagerly pointed us "the betrayed" as the faulty wiring in the marriage. The truth is... I don't care anymore who's to blame - I love Eddie - I love him more than I ever realized I did. Fight or flight. I am fighter. Sure I made an ass out of myself to his friends, co-workers, and many others during the "fog". I humiliated Eddie at times, I did not care. Hell at times he deserved it - especially with the whole "trickled truth". My God why do they try to hide the truth?? Don't they get it - we need the truth all up front so we can put it past us and try to heal.
I could on and on - but let me say Thank you!! Thank you for writing your story. I have read many books, articles, and blogs but yours - yours just fit me like a glove!!! I will pray for us both - I know my heart will never forget the pain, the brokeness will never completely heal, but I do believe I will find peace someday. I am grateful for many things and one of those is my husbands love - I strongly believe he loves me more today then he has ever loved me in our 21 years of marriage. (our anniversary was May 25 - we celebrated our 21st). He has been a complete open book, he has committed himself to making me happy. He tells me every day how he will only be truly happy if I am happy. I believe him - his actions show it.
God speed to all of you out there suffering from infidelity. It is a roller coaster ride that I wouldn't want anyone to be stuck on. Stuck I use because there is no way To jump off even if you wanted to.

shawn thewife said...

((Anonymous)) Thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes it makes me feel better just typing out the details. Hope it was therapeutic for you, too. Did you pound extra hard on the keyboard when writing about Michelle?? The letters that spell JAYMIE on my keyboard take quite a beating! LOL!
Now that you found us, you will never be on the coaster alone! If you find yourself approaching a vicious curve or descending down a sudden drop....come here and read or comment or both! me privately from my profile page.
Safety in numbers, Girlfriend!
Here's to you and continued healing!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

You both are lucky Jim was a pushover. I know if my dad got that call and I was 24 & Richard was 60, my dad would've called him a dirty old man, got his shot gun & hunted Richard down. You didn't "win" anything as Richard is no prize. No offense.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: No offense taken. However, I need to correct you about something.
I know damn well I didn't "WIN" anything because there was no competition to win! There was no tug-of-war over Richard. Jaymie was a plaything for his ego, not a partner. NOT that it makes it any easier for me. Nothing makes it easier. We had to go through through make our marriage stronger.
No way I'd argue the dirty old man label. It was disgusting! But, her age was the attraction. Richard was freaking out about getting old. Being with her and acting HER age was working for him.
Glad to hear you come from a family of NRA members! I support their right bear arms, but hope they don't shoot at any humans unless they find one sneaking into their home late at night. Crazy, vengeful lunatics with weapons that make the evening news do nothing for the image of law abiding gun owners.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Its "moot point" (not mute)

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous editor: Thank you!! Heinous error on my part! Totally know better!!
Noted and corrected.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Richard won. With everything you have done to that poor father with "the miserable little life" - Richard won. You think you won? You won nothing but pity by all of those around you who will not tell you how awful your behavior has been. Not to your husband, he deserves much more than you have given him. But to the girl's father - deplorable. See, the money, dearie, should come from your husband working at another job on weekends and given to you. Not by his mistress, not by his hookers (the ones you don't know about), the stripper hookers (the ones you do know about and think you know about) and all the other ladies who accept cash and then who you call whores for accepting cash from a man of money, you know, your husband. He needs to give it to you, but you make this poor stupid used girl give it to you. Nasty. I'm not religious, but I think you have just turned me.

Anonymous said... tacky anonymous. You have obviously never been a BS. Sounds like you are speaking from the viewpoint of a OW. Good thing Shawn is better than you and can let your rude comments fly right by.

Anonymous said...

To the Anonymous who replied to the other Anonymous as tacky. You said exactly what I was thinking. Doesn't sound like the words of a BS. They sound more like the words of the OW.