After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

La Costa? Hell? You Make the Call.

Dropped Julie and the massage table off, then drove to La Costa.  What a mood (or should I say MOODS) I was in!  The meeting with Jaymie's dad had me amped into severe Royal Bitch mode.  I tied to take deep breaths to calm myself.  I was on my way to one of the most beautiful spas in California.  Thank God!  If I ever needed to was the time!

I trembled with anger, but in the same moment I wanted nothing more than to roll into a fetal position and sob like a baby.  How many times since DDay had I been subjected to fresh mental injury, additional heart crushing pain and pure, horrific humiliation?  More times that I cared to count.  I couldn't admit until months later that I could have avoided some of the trauma.  If I had treated Jaymie like the non-entity that she was, I would have found my path on my Road to Happy much sooner.
Oh, well...would've, could've, should've.

Pulled up to the valet.  Gave him my small suitcase and asked him to dump the room fragrance reeds, which were already open and stinking up my car, in the garbage.  I took the perfume and the bracelet with me.  Time to check in at the spa.

Richard pulled up to the valet right behind me, just in time to see the valet pitch the revolting reeds.  He told me later he didn't even remember buying those.
If you are a betrayed spouse, be prepared to hear these words relentlessly:
"I don't remember."  AND..."I don't know."
The aggravation caused from these responses is immeasurable, but there is a chance your wayward spouse is telling the truth.  They could also be stonewalling in a pathetic attempt to save their own asses, but MAYBE the guy was into the FOG so deep, much of the affair was dream like, therefore, difficult to recall.
How hard it was to allow for that possibility.  The frustration from the lack of details nearly ate away my sanity.

I didn't speak to Richard.  I barely looked at him.  He knew he was in for the absolute most miserable experience one could have at a fabulous resort. This visit to La Costa would not feel like the paradise of R&R I had come to expect.  It felt more like a visit to Hell.  Something to be avoided at all costs.  If I try to describe the whole La Costa experience to you, it will be redundant.  Suffice it to say, I was blatantly vicious to him for the next 24 hours.  I will share what happened to the swag.

The couples massage must have been so uncomfortable for the therapists!!  The tension in that room was as thick as Affair Fog!  If they could have read my aura, the color would have been basic black, with fire engine red around the border.  The lovely masseuse, that worked on me, commented more times than she should, about how tight my neck was.  Other than that, few words were spoken for 80 minutes.

I got out of the dressing room before Richard.  I went to the front desk to take care of the bill.  Instead of adding a 20% tip to the total, I reached into my purse and pulled out the velvet box containing the diamond and emerald bracelet.  I handed it to the young lady behind the counter and said, "Please give this to my therapist.  Tell her thank you and Merry Christmas."

I went outside for a cigarette.  Nothing like smoking at a spa!!  People LOVE that!  I doubt anyone would have been brave enough to ask me to stop.  I'm sure I looked crazed with my face tightened into a foul grimace.  I could have cared less what anybody thought about anything that day.  It was one of my worst days since DDay.  I felt so sorry for myself and that is NOT the way I roll.

We tried to talk.  We tried to reason.  We talked about the high school picture he gave Jaymie.  Richard could see how disgusted I was with all of it.  He explained about the picture.  He said it proved how desperate he was for his lost youth and why that was such a huge part of why he cheated.

But, truly, none of the limited conversation was productive.  I was just too angry, too hurt.  I do remember saying, numerous times, "I can't do this."  By the time we walked to our room for the night, Richard looked like he wanted to slash his own throat.  In my mind's eye, I imagined doing it for him. This little date night couldn't end quickly enough.

We rose early because we barely slept.  In silence, we packed to leave way before check out time.  Along with a ten dollar bill, I left a little something extra on the pillow for the housekeeper.  The barely used bottle of Dolce perfume with a note:
"I didn't forget this.  I left it.  Please feel free to enjoy it or toss it at your discretion."

Back out to the valet and into our cars.  I left for home first, Richard followed me.  I remember wishing he wouldn't.


De said...

Wow. It still boggles my mind when I think of how ridiculous my husband behaved during his involvement with the BW. My husband didn't give the BW anything financially valuable, but he made her earings out of shells and was going to make her a necklace. He actually picked up the shells during a beach walk with ME! He also bought her stuffed animals! Seriously! She liked stuffed animals, evidently, so he bought some for her. Talk about trying to recapture lost youth. What an ass. It's been 13 months since D-day now. We actually celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary yesterday. I'm coming to terms with the fact that the affair happened. Our counselor told me to think of him as having a brain injury during that period of time last year. It kind of helps. He really was a stranger during that time. But, counseling or not, stuff like handmade shell earings and stupid stuffed animals (so 7th grade cutesy I think I could puke) still just really make my teeth itch! Thanks again for sharing. I'm happy our husbands have recovered from their brain damage.

shawn thewife said...

De: I get the whole brain injury analogy. Richard was out of his mind without a doubt.
I'm glad to hear your recovery is moving forward. You seem to be on a fast track. Good for you. I was a slow learner!
Thanks for commenting. I need my steady readers to check in from time to time. You have jump started my healing and I LOVE you for it!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Wow, Shawn, you could cut the tension here with a knife...

I have noticed a pattern and wondered what other betrayed wives might think...
As I read the accounts of so many of us BWs, I often sense that, often, ."WHs have a tendency to get involved with women who are very different from their wives. Shawn, you seem like a very strong, wise and confident woman, someone who knows her own mind and is the loving rock of her family. And yet Richard became involved with someone who was naive and immature, who hung on his every word and gesture. And De... that your husband would make shell earrings and buy her stuffed animals? Really? Based on your remarks, I don't get the impression that this would be something that would have appealed to you in the least. In my case, my WH was involved with a very domineering, social-climbing businesswoman... a real ball-buster. And here I am, an easy going, soft-spoken and creative earth mother type...the nurturer. I have nothing in common with her, and that is just fine with me. I am not saying that any of our personalities are good or bad or right or wrong. I am just wondering how and why these cheaters seem to be drawn to the new, the different, which then becomes the exciting. Fortunately, my husband (upon being caught), realized that he didn't want or need a ball-busting woman, that my kindhearted and nurturing traits were the ones that he loved most about me.

Curious to hear what you wise women think about this observation... **S**

De said...

@ Shawn: Your blog is like crack for me. Even if I don't comment on every post, I check here every day for a new entry. Keep them coming. Reading about where you've been and then where you are now is incredibly encouraging. As far as being on a fast-track... Some days yes and some days not so much.
#"S": Yeah, I've noticed the same thing. The OW in my situation was 20 years younger than hubby and me and seems to fancy herself as a free spirit, bohemian type. From stalking her FB (before she blocked me) she was into yoga (very bendy) and writing poetry, she claimed to love camping, but I think she knew my husband loved camping (we both do), so I think she tried to mold herself into his perfect partner in some ways. I love outdoorsy stuff too and have actually lived that with my husband, but I wouldn't describe myself as free-spirited and bohemian. IT seems as though OW in general are very self-centered (judging from the multitude of self-portraits she posted) and have a strong sense of entitlement (which, interestingly, describes my H's personality last year, during the affair). She threw such a fit when he broke it to her that he wasn't going to leave me afterall. Sent me a vile e-mail and told him that he was weak for not leaving me for her. (@Shawn - my H "flinched" too. He never wanted to leave, but wasn't sure he could give up the infatuation)Ugh! About those shell earings, I actually, once upon a time, would have considered hand-made shell earings a sweet, romantic gesture. I actually saw him pick those shells off of the beach and stick them in his pocket, thinking at the time he might be making something for me! The stuffed animals just proves her (and his at the time) lack of maturity (like I said, SO 7th grade)pathetic. OH! She bought him a gift too! It was a pay as you go cell phone so that they could communicate without the calls showing up on our ATT bill. Pretty savy little BW - at least pretty savy for someone who still hasn't outgrown her facination with stuffed animals.

shawn thewife said...

**S** There is a WHOLE post that needs to be written on this subject!
I am the polar opposite of Jaymie. That iron clad fact still eats away at my now paper thin self-confidence. How could he have been so "in love" (might have been FOG, but I have the emails that claim true love) with someone so different from me? Much younger, needy, soupy sentimentality and worst of all...down right dumb! What does that say about me?
My rational mind knows it says nothing. It means nothing. But, my heart still yearns to understand what she gave him that I couldn't.
It's an enigma, a very painful paradox common in adultery. How can we ever comprehend it if our wayward spouses can't?
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

De! The shell jewelry and stuffed animal thing made me throw up a little in my mouth! EEWWWW!!
AND...I forgot to share this little detail on my post about the Swag! When I spoke with Jaymie to arrange a time to come fetch all the goodies Richard had paid for, she asked me to bring back her ROCK. Yep. That's right. She gave him a rock. I told Richard she wanted it back and he said it was in his nightstand drawer.
Giving it back to her dad was enjoyable.
"Well, Jim, thanks for your help with all of this. And, BTW...your daughter gave my husband this rock. She told me it was important to her and she wants it back. Please be sure to give it to her." (I should have said, please shove it up her ass for me.)
You should have seen her Daddy's face when I handed him the Rock! OMG! I think he wanted to melt into the floor! A fucking rock??
Richard never gave me details about why the rock was special. He claimed it was no big deal.
That's not how Jaymie saw it.
Infidelity is most certainly a two way street, but it's the wayward spouses that are surely the navigators and pilots.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Oh God Shawn, thank you for your sense of humor and for helping me laugh at some of the ridiculous shit that we go through! I'd bet you WOULD have liked to shove that rock up her ass!! I can attest to the fact that there is a lot I would have liked to do to my BW. My #1 fantasy was that I might see her walking in a parking lot while I was driving. The thought of speeding towards her fat ass and repeatedly running over her back and forth was my ultimate dream!! (and believe it or not I am generally the world's biggest pacifist). Good thing I have gotten past most (I say most) of that useless anger because it was eating me up inside and SHE is not worth it.

Shawn, I would love for you to do a post on the profile of the BW... And De, that sense of entitlement and self-centeredness that you referred to sure fits in my BW's case. In her opinion, I was the other woman. My husband couldn't bring up my name or talk about anything to do with me without her becoming enraged. She was jealous of trips we would take and of our family life (and she was MARRIED with her OWN CHILDREN!!). And much like your situation, she also tried to mold herself to be what she thought he wanted. Like watching ESPN, drinking Guinness and listening to Jane's Addiction because he did...really? She was an uptight and conservative Southern belle, and even my H said this mirroring stuff kind of freaked him out. I love my husband a ton, but I have never pretended to enjoy a movie or song or drink because he did. I also think all of the flattery and attention piled on our WHs actually helps create that FOG; whose marriage really looks like that, especially after 30 years?

Anyway, I ramble. Keep writing and sharing, Shawn. You and your blog have helped my healing more than I can put into words... **S**

shawn thewife said...

**S** I wish I had the skills to profile the women that find ways to justify sleeping with married men. I can tell you what I think...I think most are very needy, have low self-esteem and even lower morals standards. Jaymie's dad said as much about her to me in an email. He put all the blame on Richard (As I do now) for preying on his daughter because she was in such a vulnerable place, fired from her job, dumped by her boyfriend, she tossed away her self respect. (OK, I added the last part, not her daddy!!)
How could anyone with an ounce of self respect involve themselves in a relationship based on lies and sneaking around?? It's almost deserving of pity...almost.
So glad I can make you laugh. We gotta laugh.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

No BW post necessary Shawn, you summed it up perfectly. Needy, low self-esteem and even lower morals. And, as you stated, someone who is willing to lie and sneak around with somebody else's husband. Nuff said. **S**

Anonymous said...

I've read your blog, empathized with your pain and read (slowly) how you went from having 'rational' anger to some of the most irrational behavior I've ever heard of.
You are more than entitled to you pain, but not to your own pound of flesh. Clearly your husband is interested in saving some part of your marriage... punishing Jaymie and generally making an ass out of yourself (which any way you cut it, you are) won't make it better. Your relationship was wasn't perfect, your husband cheated... and now it's time you look within yourself to see if you have forgiveness to deal with the broken relationship and the marriage as a whole. Punishing Jaymie will get you no where and win you no pushes your husband further away from you and takes you farther from repairing what's broken. You can con't to put Jaymie in the middles of the mess or you can get beyond it. But from what I can tell, you seem more interested in terrorizing her - and that's a losing battle.

Anonymous said...

I disagree entirely with the last "Anonymous" and as someone who has had her life turned on its head by my husbands infidelity, I am a bit offended by your attitude. Here's my two cents: Jaymie chose her place as the 'mess in the middle' when she pursued a relationship with a married man. Any suffering the little tramp went through is a direct result of her inflicting pain on an innocent party. It is generally referred to as consequences of your actions. She knew he was married. She made an informed choice to participate in something deceitful and disgraceful. As a betrayed spouse, the shocking aftermath of discovering that your partner has been unfaithful almost always results in irrational behaviour of some kind or another. Why? Because it damn well hurts, that's why. Please don't judge anyone until you have walked in their shoes. It is neither warranted nor deserved. The heavy burden of shame does not belong on the shoulders of a loyal, loving and trustworthy wife but around the ankles of the cheaters. There, rant over. Another Betrayed Wife

shawn thewife said...

To Anonymous that thinks I was "irrational".
No Shit! I have said as much throughout my blog. Maybe you didn't read "slowly" enough. I have never claimed my behavior was in anyway helpful to my recovery. I have repeatedly stated unequivocally that I made a lot of mistakes. If you had just read one more post, the most recent, Let the Bitch-Whore Go, you might have grasped my sincere desire to save other betrayed spouses from my behavior blunders.
That said...Do I think Jaymie deserved all I dished out and then some...No doubt about it.
But, thanks for commenting. I would never want a blog that discouraged other points of view.
Bring it on.
Hope & Hugs, (even though you might not want them) Shawn

shawn thewife said...

To Anonymous, Another Betrayed Wife:

Thanks for commenting. You nailed it. The trauma of infidelity turned me into someone I didn't know. It was like a "primal" me. Claiming my man and punishing the female that dared cross my turf.
It took over a year for me to revert to productive thoughts and actions. I learned, with a lot of help from other betrayed spouses, the OWs will suck the life out of you if you don't let them go.
You're awesome to jump in. I love my readers!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

kris said...

SO true about the answers "I don't know" and "I don't remember", I'm calling BS because I know if I had made THE BIGGEST MISTAKE of my life I would damn sure rememeber...
catching up here, it's been a while!

shawn thewife said...

Hi, Kris!! Where ya been??

I don't know & I don't remember can be used as a shield for cheaters. I tried to give Richard the benefit of the doubt but I'm with you. It didn't ever ring true. How could you be that obsessed with someone, willing to risk everything and not recall each moment??
It sure smells like BS to me.
Don't be such a stranger!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled upon this blog, and I love it. My DDay was May 19. Still in shock. After a summer of me being paralyzed, sitting in one chair all day staring, I have finally made my way to the computer for some support. So I need to get out of the chair and out of this house and out of this town for some healing. Is there such a spa for betrayed spouses?? I'll go anywhere. Any ideas? Thank you for this great blog. I can relate to every word I've read.


Anonymous said...

I have a question and maybe I am not that far along in the posts to have the answer and if so just ignore as I will read on and find out! I am trying to wrap my head around the mental fog. In your opinion with your husband was each separate affair a fog of some sort? Did you experience these same or similar emotions about any of the other women? I realize they were much farther in the past so the focus was on the most recent but did you have questions about those as well? I'm just curious about how the affair and then shortly finding out there were also three other "indiscretions" affected you,much has never been said about those. Similar situation here so just wondering because it seems you handled them extremely well. Wish I could.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: All questions welcome at any time!
I don't think there was fog with the other infidelities, just truly selfish, narcissistic behavior. Richard always needed ego stroking and he always felt entitled. Spoiled rotten, really. I was able to distance my emotions from the past other women because I was faced with much worse right THEN. We explored all of the cheating in therapy, but always focused on Jaymie.
Jaymie was different. He became very wrapped up in the "love" part of their relationship. He was quite obsessed with her. She made him feel young again. For a guy who is in the midst of a vicious mid-life crisis, she was nirvana. He thought he loved her. he didn't. He loved how she made him feel. He did all he could for her to keep giving him what he craved...that sweet feeling of youth. As he worked to do all he could to keep Jaymie close, he became wrapped up in the delusion. It didn't take him long to snap out of it, thank God! I don't know how women handle cheating husbands that remain in the fog for weeks. I do not think Richard and I could have survived that.
After DDay, we need to find support. This is a safe place. You're not alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Patty: I don't know how I missed your comment. So sorry. Hope you see this! I don't know about any spa, but getting away to any hotel will do if you have a laptop and wine!
Go to the Healing Heart message forum. The people there saved me! So much compassion, understanding and guidance. i can't tell you how much they helped me when I felt totally helpless. Here's the link.
you might have to copy and paste.
Please let us know how you're doing. We care and want to help.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn