After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A Visit to Casa Jaymie

Packed my bag for our over night date and loaded it in the car.  The plan was to meet Richard at La Costa around noon.  Our couples massage was scheduled for 2:00.  Armed with my directions from MapQuest, I began the drive south to Casa Jaymie around 9:00.  I was supposed to be there at 9:00.  Tough.  Let her wait.  She had texted that her dad would be there to meet with me.  I was hoping she would also attend this little meet and greet, but, alas...that potential endorphin rush was not meant to be.

I was only in the car a few minutes when my mobile phone rang.  My BFF, Julie, was calling to check up on my mental state.  I gave her a quickie update and filled her in on my mission of the morning.  Let's just say...She was not a fan of the plan.
"What??  Why??  What good will this do?"
"No way I'm letting HER benefit from anything regarding Richard.  Besides, you know how I enjoy making her twist in the wind."
'You're on your way now?  Right now?"
"Yep.  On the 67 as we speak."
"Swing by and get me.  You can not go over there alone."  Julie was willing to leave work to save me from myself.  I took her up on the offer.

The directions were less than crystal clear.  We took a wrong turn or two.  Had to call Jaymie for navigation assistance.  Her dad answered.  He spoke to me as if we had been invited over for tea and biscuits, so calm and polite.  He gave us the clarification we needed and we quickly arrived in front of their house on Coronado Avenue.

Jaymie's home looked a lot like I thought it would, cluttered front yard, drab color, cheap shingle roof and car in the driveway that would need a paint job before anyone would take it as a trade in.  I strained my memory for a mental image of Jaymie's car.  I only saw it for a brief moment previously, but if memory served, her car was no where in sight.  We parked and walked to the front door, knocked and waited.

A balding, middle aged man with a girth too wide for his short stature, opened the door.  I recognized him immediately from the Eagle's concert, James, Jim, HER daddy.  For a brief second, I felt sorry for the guy.  He was gonna clean up his daughter's mess.  She had shamed herself and her family.  Maybe it would have shown greater parenting skills to make her face the consequences of her actions.  But, who am I to question that.  He has sent her away, or she chose to run and hide.  Don't know how the choice was made, but she was no where to be seen.
I made proper introductions and James invited us in.

One of the ways James had hoped to improve his lot in life was on the shirt tails of my husband, but Jaymie beat him to Richard's shirt tails and his pants, too, so that gravy train was lost to him.  Along with, I would assume, much of the pride he had in Jaymie, if he ever had any at all to begin with.

We entered into a tight area, also cluttered.  On the floor, to my left, against the wall, was the massage table, along with other items that I couldn't quite see.  He lead us to the left, into the kitchen and we sat in three aluminum and vinyl chairs that were a rare throw back to the 70's.  The table was shoved tightly up against the left wall and even though the room was very poorly lit, the curtains were drawn shut.  Perhaps James didn't want nosey neighbors to ponder the reason for an early morning visit to his home from two women that obviously did not live anywhere near this neighborhood.

He began the conversation with an apology.  I know we sat there for at least 30 minutes, but I only remember a little of what we discussed.  I can tell you, I never cried, not once. The whole thing was freakishly reasonable (which I realize is kind of an oxymoron) until I brought up the cash.  James, then, began to squirm.  I felt just like a predator with one large paw on her prey.  The next bite would be lethal.

"Half of the money Richard loaned Jaymie, by law, is mine.  If I have to sue her for it, I will."
"Jaymie said he gave her money.  It was never a loan."
I was getting very sick of that weak defense.  I became more insistent, one might say aggressive, in my demands.  He thought I was bluffing about going to court and airing my husband's dirty laundry.  Julie assured him, I would enjoy nothing more.  We went around and around about the amount Jaymie owed me and when I would get it.  He felt I wasn't holding the right person responsible.  He referred to Richard in terms of a bully that coerced his baby girl.  PLEEEZE!  Nobody was gonna call Jaymie sweet & innocent anytime soon, however, I firmly explained to him that Richard would be held MORE than accountable.  His life would be riddled with punishment.

He wasn't gonna budge before talking to Jaymie, but I was relentless. Knowing how I tend to pursue my goals like a pit bull with a bone, Julie stepped in.  She said, "This isn't going anywhere right now.  I think it's time we leave."

James did get smart right there at the end.  "If Jaymie does give you this money, will you agree to never contact her or any member of this family again?"
Without hesitation, "Of course.  I just want the money back."
Oh....bad form.
That wasn't an accurate statement.  I already knew that I wanted all the other emails.  There were so many she hadn't sent yet.  Why was I giving up my bid for those?  I was also risking answers to the endless questions that would haunt me in the months to come.  I couldn't possibly imagine how they would haunt me that morning, in that humble home, but I would come to need Jaymie to quiet my mind. (At least, I THOUGHT I needed her.)
Once again, I acted much too quickly.  I signed that agreement, hand written on a tinsel thin paper napkin.

I signed it and he made me a copy on a FAX in his office, which was probably a tiny corner of his bedroom.  As he returned to hand it to me, we got up and took the two or three steps back toward the front door and the pile of bootie I came to retrieve.  I was getting more than I bargained for.  The massage table and bracelet were there along with a bottle of Dolce & Gabbana Rose the One perfume, (Of course it was ROSE.  I despise rose perfume.  It reminds me of funerals) a decanter of room fragrance reeds and a little something to make me swallow hard.  Richard had given her his high school senior, black and white pic.  You know, the little yearbook images you could trade with fellow students? The tiny photo of him at 18, with the date written on the back by his dead mother.   My heart twisted as I looked at her crooked cursive, hoping she couldn't see this painful moment from heaven.

Julie helped me load it all in the back of my Volvo.  I thanked Jim for his time and told him to contact me about when I could expect the money.  As Julie and I drove away, I thanked her for coming with me and keeping me in line.  I also told her to take the massage table for herself.  Sell it on eBay.
"Get as much as you can and keep it all.  I don't want anything she touched.  Maybe not even Richard."


Anonymous said...

Blah, I acted too quickly as well. It sucks beyond belief to look back and think, "Damnit! I could have gotten more out of this!"

So glad your friend went with you. I had 3 people I HAD to consult before I said or did anything to the OW or my husband (who was not living with me at the time). I was terrified of making the wrong choice, saying the wrong thing. I wanted to get back together but I refused to be the weeping wife!!

I'm dying to know, did Julie get any money for the table? And what did you do with the rest of the "booty"?

Shaunie said...

I want to know, what business did her dad think he was going into business with? Did her dad know about the affair while it was going on?

shawn thewife said...

Hi, Anonymous: the weeping wife thing was not for me either. I was determined to be strong. THAT was part of my problem. I felt like I had to fight back. I didn't get that I needed to deal with my pain, not just bury it under my anger.
About the table, Julie sold it . Don't know what she got for it. I told her I didn't want to know. I tell you what I did with the other swag in my next post.
Thanks for reading.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Shaunie said...

You need to post every hour on the hour lol! Your strength is inspiring!

shawn thewife said...

Hey, Shaunie! I don't think Jaymie's dad knew a thing. He didn't seem shocked when I told him, but I just can't imagine he knew. He wanted to use Richard to help build his business. I think it had something to do with financial planning, which he couldn't have been very good at because they lived in VERY meager accommodations. In an email that he sent Richard about the cash, he even said something like..I had hoped to work with you,but I don't THINK that can happen now!!
LOL! Really? After Richard screwed over his baby girl he doesn't THINK he can work with him?? WTH??
I'll see if I can find that email and post it. He seemed like a great big user. Jaymie must have a lot of his DNA!
And, thanks for the compliment. I don't feel very inspiring, but if my crazy ass story helps anybody out there, I am very grateful.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I can understand your anger as the deceit just continues. Your husband is a serial cheater, at least 4 affairs that he has admitted. How has does all this discovery affect your recovery? Don't the mid-life crisis excuse and the "fog" excuse seem a little lame?

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: you make a good point. The fog or a mid-life crisis is no excuse. There is NO excuse. As a matter of fact, Richard has said the same thing. He can't pinpoint any one reason he cheated.
My recovery is based on his actions since DDay. No words can explain why he chose to betray our marriage. I depend on his behavior to help me recover from the devastation he caused. He has stepped up. It was that or get out.
I hope you in a place of recovery, too.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

What made you think it was okay to drag their entire family into it and take money from a man who obviously didn't have much to spare? Obviously you and your husband are well off. How did getting $500 help your healing? You come off as a selfish bitch who got off on making as many people around you as miserable as you were. While your husband just sits by and lets you do whatever you want because he's too scared to stand up to you. Completely. Insane.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: What makes you think that I thought dragging Jaymie's family into my wrecked world was OK? I never thought ANY of it was OK. I really wasn't thinking clearly at all. I was suffering from PTSD. Not a lot of rational thought happens when you're in shock.
As far as the money goes, hell no I didn't need it. I was all about trying to hurt Jaymie as much as she hurt me. Took me over a year to realize that just was never going to happen. Does that make me selfish? Maybe. Do I regret it? Nope. What's done is done. If I had to do it all over knowing what I know now, no way would have I ever contacted her or her family after DDay. Richard would have had to bear the full weight of my despair.
One more thing, let me make this VERY husband isn't afraid to stand up to me. He was letting me do what he thought I needed to do so I could find a way to heal myself. He had no way of knowing I was just making my recovery harder.
Insane?? By many standards, you can bet your judgmental ass I was way out over the edge of sanity, but Richard and Jaymie shoved me out there.
I'd love to know where you fall in the triangle of adultery. Doesn't sound like you're a betrayed spouse, but then again, maybe you are just a much stronger person than me. Stronger, but apparently not very understanding or compassionate.

Anonymous said...

You are a mean nasty woman whos sees yourself above everyone else, your reference to "class" and belittling Jaymie because of her unemploymet status makes you a shallow snob a mentally unstable one at that.Its no wonder your husband had an affair. Let me tell you this you are one of those bat shit crazy wives that drive their husbands to do this. He will do it again. I cant say i blame him!!!

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Yeah..I was mean, I was nasty but I don't see myself as better than anyone else. I belittle Jaymie because it's easy. I like it and mostly, she deserves it. I believe she slept with my husband for the perks. She needed cash and he had some to spare. She was and probably still is a very needy girl not capable of standing on her own.
That might make me mean and nasty, but not even close to a snob.

And you got the unstable part right...I was, for sure, out to lunch after DDay. But, before DDay, I was one of the "normal" folks. Richard didn't cheat on me because of anything I did. All betrayers cheat because of their own weaknesses and shortcomings.

Thanks for your comment. I appreciate all points of view, even when they are totally off base.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you feel better now that you see they lived in a shack and your husband makes money off of divorce, not you, your husband. Did you come from money or something. I find I can't defend your actions at all now. If she had money would it have been more forgivable or better in your eyes. I realize now how wonderful a parent I am, now more than ever. My child will never get this attitude from me. Ever. You have replaced the real issue with money. It was the girl when it should have been your husband. Now it's money. Will it ever be your husband? Or is it because you are able to live so well because he makes money. If he had no money do you think you would still be with him? What about the money he gave to the strippers...not just the one dearie. I'm sure many a lunches were paid for with the other women, maybe even gifts? Maybe bills paid also. See, your money loving self and husband can bite you in the ass also - it has. He uses money to lure the women..maybe like he lured you?

Anonymous said...

I am late as usual but wanted to comment anyway. I have been reading every post in chronological order and every comment as well. It is inspiring and beautiful to see the sisterhood, the support system you have created here. Sharing your pain and experience has offered comfort to so many and will continue to. The anonymous posting above has launched a verbal attack on you and I do not think he/she expressed themselves in a very productive manner and do not condone most content however I do feel the need (for whatever reason) to agree that the comments made regarding their financial status/home very distasteful. I enjoy your posts and admire your courage to share so much that I hate that I read that, it unfortunately made me think you are a little shallow. Trust me, I understand your desire to belittle Jaymie but you have also belittled many wonderful people in doing so. Many things were written that pertains to this but for ex: the comment regarding two women that were clearly not from this neighborhood and the cheap shingles....seems like a very superficial, materialistic mind state to me. I also felt bad that the father who was evidently struggling financially was burdened with the debt of this "loan". I know that this blog is so much more important than me pointing this out but for some reason I wanted to, I'm sure Ill regret it and see it as very petty of me later. My useless, unproductive opinion aside, thank you so much for sharing everything, it had to be very difficult to put your less than prouder moments on display but they are so healing and comforting for so many.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous post dated Oct. 17: Your opinion is neither useless nor unproductive. I wrote this post over a year ago. I was still pretty raw. I can't defend my words above. I can only tell you I wish I had not written this post in such a shallow manner.
I could have trashed Jaymie personally in a million different ways. The references to her home in such a derogatory way was unnecessary.
You are right. I was very bitter at the time I wrote this and it made me petty. Truth is, they are not destitute by any means. Their home is perfectly acceptable.
I do not feel bad about Daddy James footing the bill for the return of the cash. He didn't have to do that. He could have laid all the repercussions of Jaymie's actions right at her feet.
I hope you can forgive me when my blog shows my ugly, dark side. I am trying to kill off that part of me but I fear it is merely hibernating. It will never die.
Maybe other parts of my blog will help to redeem me.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous dated June 26th, which was my 31st anniversary. Probably why I missed your comment way back then!
I have to respond to your remarks even though you may never see it, others will.
It was never about the money. I could give a fuzzy rat's ass about money. It was about punishing Jaymie. I knew $500 to her would sting. That worked for me.
As I stated in the response above, I could rewrite this post, but I won't. The petty remarks speak to my state of mind and the condition of my psyche at the time. I was still so very hurt. It felt good to leave the pain on my blog and not carry it around with me.
I'm sorry you lost faith in me because of this post. I would never ask anyone to defend my actions....ever. I take full responsibility for my actions. I'm grown up like that.
Since this post seems to have truly chapped your bootie, this reply is probably wasted, but if you do happen to see it, know this....Jaymie could have been as wealthy as king or as poor as a church mouse, the pain of DDay would have been no different.
Thanks for commenting. As usual, all opinions are welcome here.
Hope & hugs, Shawn

A.S. said...

(Anon from Oct 17th)See, I knew Id regret it lol! I should know better and know that your intentions were not to hurt anyone's feelings, it was solely directed at Jaymie. You are amazing to me, your ability to be open and honest, I truly admire that. I finished reading every post available last night and had only started that morning. You are a great writer and had me lol'ing so much, thank you for that! Its priceless what you are doing for others here, please don't stop! I look forward to more posts. Thank you!!! And I am so sorry for all you have gone through. You are incredibly strong and very passionate.

Anonymous said...

I agree with some of the above statements and I was so glad to read your response indicating you were still raw when writing this post as I fear it would alienate some of your readers. (sorry, way late to the party here) but a year ago I read your entire blog. As a former wayward husband it truly helped me understands my wife's pain. I credit your blog alone with helping me see things from her perspective and really understand the devastating nature of my actions. We are 5 years post DDay now and have a wonderful marriage (she even tells me she feels it's stronger now than it was before 'the incident"). I still read both your blog and SI forums every now and again as a reminder to never let the recovery stop. Thank you for putting into words what most BW cannot.