After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Friday, July 13, 2012

What Would I have Done without You?

14 months after DDay, in December 2011, I began to use eBlogger to seek solace from my daily agony.  Despite my lack of computer tech skills and writing prowess, I began typing about Richard and Jaymie, telling the vile story while laboring to heal myself.  Within days of starting to write and staring at my iMac screen, I learned to reach out for empathy and understanding of my suffering.  I desperately tried to grasp a life line tossed to me from other generous, compassionate betrayed spouses.  The fact that it took me over a year to consider Googling Infidelity highlights my limited cyberspace experience.  The thought just never occurred to me.  To be fair, my thoughts were otherwise occupied.

Maybe I needed a year of rampage and ruin.  There was so much poison in my veins that I required a full year to drain the venom.  I wasn't ready to hear from rational people that have walked the recovery road to happy.  Until that day in December, I would not have heard their inspirational words.

The blogging world is saturated with stories of infidelity, extensive poetic prose documenting the most personal kind of pain.  I started writing A Year After the Affair before I had read a single web page.  I was desperate for relief from the gut twisting misery.  It felt like a feeble idea at best, but what did I have to lose?  Oh, yea...that's marriage.

My heart had been mutilated.  I was out of tools in my mental first aide kit.  This blog was my remote hope of salvation.  The first few posts felt like emotional cutting.  Why would I want to relive every excruciating detail?
Here's why...I was deadlocked in despair.  I couldn't depend on anyone else any longer.   Not the lovely Dr. K, not Dr. N with his bag of synthetic pain blockers and certainly not, Jose Cuervo or Jack Daniels.  I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, not to mention more angry by the day.  Eventually I was gonna run out of places to deposit all that vehemence and then, I feared it would eat away my insides like acid.

Until I started this blog, my big computer achievement was figuring out how to download pics to Facebook.  I had no clue cyberspace offered the best support group on the planet?  I could have spend thousands on counseling, read every book on adultery ever published and it wouldn't have served me any better.  In you, online, I began to heal.  I think you guys need billboards erected singing your praises.

So...the purpose of this post is to say "THANK YOU".  If you're reading this, Yes!  I mean you!  The first couple of months, my blog was nothing but the dissection of my life since DDay.  Then, in February of 2011, something amazing happened, almost miraculous, really.  The clouds parted and a little ray of sunshine peeked through.  The ray of light had a name, HOPE.  The ray of hope wasn't sent to me from God, but He must have planted the blogging seed in my disheartened head and blogging showed me the path to YOU.  YOU brought me into the light of redemption!  Saved me from my pathetic self pity party!  Can I get an AMEN?? Hallelujah!!
Dang it.  I just can't finish a post without goofing a bit.  Sorry.  This is a sincere post of gratitude.  I should finish it as such.

The words grateful, appreciation and thankfulness will have to suffice  It's all have.  It's quite a family we have here.  Family is forever.  You all saved my ass.  That ray of light gets a bit brighter everyday and I know without you I'd still be wallowing in darkness.  Thanks for cranking up the voltage! I don't wanna know where I'd be if I hadn't found you!  I shudder to think!
Love you all!


Fighterandsurvivor said...

Same here. I thank you too for all the things you've poured into these web pages.

Emotional Tornado said...

I have to say that I feel the same. I am finding the support that I so desperately needed the first time (if only it wasn't dial up then). I started this still raw from the first one. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't already connected with a few on here before the 2nd dday happened.

Anonymous said...

Dear Shawn, even your name is beautiful. Thank you fo writing. Even if I disagree with your hatred of the 24 year old child - I agree with how you handle most of it because it shows your WS how deeply you are affected. As for the father, well, I have to tell you that if my dearest daughter had done what Jaymie did and a BS called me, I'd react the same way. And then I go to my DD and hug her and tell her how much I loved her, how important she is and to never let a man use her the way your husband did because your husband is a lying asshole creap of an old man and she is a precious gift to the world and to never forget that. How could my Dear Daughter ever forget how precious she was?

Anonymous said...

I found your blog a few days ago and can't stop reading it. Unfortunately it speaks to me. We are different (obviously) but yet there are so many similarities. My first dday was 11 weeks ago, the rest of the truth (AFAIK) was 5 weeks ago. It hurts like a mother#^*! I wish I knew you in real life, I have so many questions.
Thank you for your sharing.

shawn thewife said...

Welcome, Morgan: So sorry you can relate to Crazy Town. It is no place to be! But, if you gotta venture through, might as well do it with friends.

Sounds like you are a victim of trickle truth. That makes healing even harder. It's like starting over every damn time a new lie rears it's ugly head. Sometimes WHs think they are "protecting us" when they continue to lie. What bass-ackwards thinking that is! Other times, they just keep lying to cover their own butts! And, still others spew more lies because they are scared. Scared to death that we will say, "Get out. It's too much." It ain't the new info that will earn them a ticket out, it's the incessant lies!!

You can ask any questions you want. Feel free. This is a very open forum! Can't promise I can answer every one, but I sure will try to help when I can.

If my blog does one thing for you, I hope it shows you that there is a light at the end of this desolate, dark tunnel. You can come out the other side of infidelity happier than you thought possible.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Christine Sweeton said...

I stumbled across your blog and it is addictive. I don't want to stop reading. I love that you dived right into the platform without previous research or knowledge. Your writing is amazing. Your story is well and truthfully told. I hope writing keeps helping you heal. Best wishes!

shawn thewife said...

Christine: Thank you so much for your kind words! This blog started as a desperation move. I had been in despair for so long. Nothing had helped me find my Road to Happy. Writing felt cathartic. It has helped me in so many ways. Helps me absorb and process my time in Crazy Town and it helps me think things through before heading back in that direction!

The best thing is that this blog seems to help other betrayed spouses. Although, my readers have helped me much more than the other way around.

If I may did you stubble onto my blog? If you are a betrayed spouse, please share your story and let's walk the Road back to Happy together.
Feel free to email me privately anytime if you need support.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn