After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

She Ain't Keepin' the Cash Either!

(Before I start this post, I just have to say, WHOO HOO!  I figured out how to post pictures!  Go me!  I might just figure this blogging thing out eventually.)

It didn't surprise me at all that Richard had given her money.  I'll bet he handed out Benjamins like lollipops to his broke, young whore.  Richard's ability to help Jaymie financially was surely alluring.  First, he got her a job.  After she managed to lose that, he held tight to that rope of attraction by keeping gas in her tank, bling on her wrist and hot undies on her ass.  He said it was less than a grand, but my guess is, Jaymie got an allowance.  Richard had said he felt like he needed to take care of her.  She was his mistress and that made her his responsibility.
Half of that bootie call cash was mine and I aimed to get it back.

Another call and another voice mail left for Jaymie.  Told her I knew about all the money Richard had given her and that he had referred to the money as a loan.  The loan was now past due.

I actually got a rapid text response.  "I'm in class now.  I'll call you when I'm through.  The money was NOT a loan.  He gave it to me."
Oh, fun, fun!!  Struck a nerve!!  I figured giving back the swag would be humiliating, but not a set back in her bank account.  Repaying cold, hard, ill-gotten cash was gonna cramp her low-life style a bit.  No way that unemployment check was anywhere near $1000.  I could hardly contain myself waiting on her call.

"Jaymie, thanks for getting back to me.  I'll be coming tomorrow morning to pick up the massage table and the bracelet.  I'd like to get at least half of the money, too."
"There is no money."
"Of course there is.  Richard told me he loaned you money many times.  He said it was at least a $1000.  Surely, you must have some of that left."
"He never loaned me money.  He gave it to me."
I'll admit, Richard never did call the money a loan.  He had said he helped her out from time to time.  Loan was my loose interpretation of the monetary transactions.

"You're saying he just GAVE you money?  Really?  What does that make you?  A prostitute? A cheap whore?  Never mind.  Rhetorical question.  I know it was a loan and half of that money you took, for services rendered, is mine.  I'm giving you a huge break.  I'm only asking for half of the money and I'm going to get it back, even if I have to sue you for it."
"You're going to have to talk to my Dad."
I knew she was backed into a corner if she was going to her good Christian Daddy about this.  She sounded like she was about to have a sob fest.  Her voice was timid and shaky.  I don't know if it was because I intimidated her or the thought of Richard throwing her under the bus truly caused her pain.  Either way, if she was suffering, I was jubilant.
Her last words, "There is no money.  It wasn't a loan.  All the stuff he gave me will be in my driveway tomorrow morning."

That was that.  She was done with me.  I'm fairly sure I never spoke to her again, not that I didn't try, over and over and over for a year.  That's when, out of desperation and immense frustration, I started this blog and found the Healing Heart.
Both of which saved my life...or at the very least, my marriage.

I was looking forward to seeing her house.  I wondered if Richard had ever seen it.  I had the address from the online search I did of her right after DDay.  I knew it was in a lower middle class neighborhood of Spring Valley.
I texted her that I would be at her house by 9:00am tomorrow morning.  Tomorrow was also the day Richard and I were going to La Costa for our over night date.
Something told me that my mood wasn't gonna be as festive or romantic as Richard was hoping.


Anonymous said...

I love your tenacity, your quest for justice...and your writing is perfection. I am with you as you tell your story, in heart and in spirit. This path sucks...I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (not quite true, I wish it a million times over on her).
You, we, have a story to tell and I give you proxy to represent me. I really, really like you, Shawn. You are a fine and funny and decent human being, the kind of woman that, as of late, I had lost hope even existed anymore.

Standing by, with baited breath, for the rest of your story.

xoxo **S**

shawn thewife said...

This is my first reply on my new iPad! Hope it works!
Now..for **S**
You call it tenacity. So did I, then. Now, I recognize my behavior for what it truly was, transference. I was so angry with Richard, but scorning him was too scary, so I let it fly right at the closest target, Jaymie. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I could punish her and it would make me feel better. It took me a whole year to come to grips with the fact that there was nothing I could do to her that would make me feel better. It didn't hurt that Richard hated dragging her back into the fray. Plus, even though I became convinced she had the info that could answer all my questions, the only answers that ultimately matter were those from my wayward spouse.
Thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate them.
Hope & hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

You are so welcome, but please don't be so hard on yourself for your desire to find answers to the hows and whys and "what the fuck happened to my marriage?" I realize, now, that the OW will never be able to help me in that department... she had her own agenda, her own needs and insecurities that made someone else's husband look oh so much more desirable than any single and available man she might have met. It is one of the many reasons I have never asked her why. It is so obvious to me that the OW in my case was status driven...she finagled a new MBZ, a business partnership, the hope for a house (my house) in a desirable seaside community and all of the prestige and security that went with it. Jaymie (I just hate her name!) was young, naive and stupid, quite frankly, but the attention of a mature and successful man was surely very flattering and held all sorts of tempting possibilities for her.

The second reason I haven't asked for more information from the OW or my H is because I really don't think I could stomach all of the details. I mean, truly process it and be able to move on without a shitload of those "brainworms" torturing me for the rest of my days. My H is paunfully sorry, relieved, and beyond happy to be in a monogamous relationship with ME again. And I try to stay focused on something one of your blog followers wrote... That during the A, the endorphins are running rampant and all that adrenalin creates some stupid sense of nirvana and bliss. Not love, just a mutual admiration society between two needy and highly charged individuals. What I have with my husband now, and what I see happening between you and Richard, far and away transcends such trivial relationships. The depth of love and gratitude for us, is at a 37 year, all time high. The marriage and friendship we came so close to losing, we now cherish with a deep and newfound appreciation.

I love your gifts of humor and perspective, Shawn. You are a gem!!! **S**

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog! I too am a betrayed wife and the pain is devastating. Reading your blog, nodding my head along the way, cheering you on and laughing as well, takes my mind off of my story for a bit.

I must say, that when I see an email that there's a new installment I drop everything else and read it!

Thank you for being brave enough to do this.

I did want to ask you something though. I was talking to my mother last night, with my husband in the room, and told her how this guy was hitting on me (husband was already filled in). I mentioned that he knew of our "infidelity story". My husband said, "Yeah, everybody knows" and rolled his eyes. I told him, "It's your filthy secret, not mine. I have nothing to hide."

In hindsight, I can hear the nastiness of my tone and the righteous indignation. However, I wonder if it's just my way of making him pay. I haven't forgotten what he's done. I won't let him forget. But just how long am I supposed to make him pay for this?

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: that's a truly loaded question. How long are you SUPPOSED to make him pay? I can't answer that, my friend. I think Richard will always be paying in one way or another. He harbors enormous guilt. There are ways that I continue to make him pay....sort of. It's not about punishment though. It's about healing for me. I think that's kind of what you did with your "filthy secret" remark.
Example: He made a noise during sex the other day. My first thought was...wonder if he made that sound with her, so I had to ask. Ever heard of the term 'boner kill'? Yea.
So, my rather lame answer is To heal you gotta move forward. As we struggle to move forward, sometimes he's gonna get a dose of punishment. But, if I still wanted to hurt Richard purposefully after nearly 2 years, I'd say its time to move on.
Thanks for reading. Hope & hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Dear Shawn ..... Found your blog this past Monday during one of my Debbie Downer days. In one day I have gobbled up each word you've written as if my sanity depended on it. DDay was May 19, 2012 after 13 years of marriage. I live half way around the world but your expression of your pain is as if you write on my behalf. My daughter says that lately am numb on good days. I feel like a dead woman walking. I have four school going children so I have little time to do much. I don't even have the energy anyway. Thank you for blogging. At least I know am not crazy at the very least.

shawn thewife said...

(((anonymous))) I know what a dark place you are in now. I can only do my best to assure you that it will get better! No matter what you're feeling, you are not crazy. You have just suffered one of the cruelest blows this world has to offer. You were blindsided by the one you trusted the most with your heart.
You are not alone. Please visit one of these forums: The Healing Heart
The caring, dedicated people there saved me, truly I was sinking and they held me up.

OR: After the Betrayal:
This forum was started by another blogging betrayed wife. It will be a place of great comfort for you.

You can also email me privately from my profile page anytime.

I hope your wayward husband is remorseful and that he wants to help you heal. I also hope you are in counseling. Individual therapy is as important as marriage counseling.

Take care of yourself. The grieving process is slow. Please stay in touch and let us know how your recovery is going. We care.
Hope & HUGE Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Dear Shawn, i just found your blogs and was reading them to help myself to heal. My husband didnt cheat on me physically, may be because I found it soon after he started his online emotional affair. I read all his love letters on Facebook, how he was in a coma for 15 years, and how he was in a darkness and someone held his hand and showed the light. He wrote all kinds of poems, it was very devastating to read them all. Not only that, I found his correspondence with another female friend about his feelings to that girl that he loved, he was asking for someone else's advice on how

to pursue that girl.And that person encouraged him to go for it as well. Even though he did not have any physical affair with the girl, I still feel betrayed, cheated, devastated. It has been 2 months after I discoverd about his love affair, but it is still hard to move on and forgive him. We have going to MC, and we just took a week anniversary trip to Mexico, but the pain is still there.

shawn thewife said...

Emotional affairs are just as painful as physical affairs. I have said to Richard, more than once, if it had only been about the sex, I MIGHT have been able to wrap my brain around it, but the LOVE...The fact that he claimed to love another, cut me to the quick.
The emailed words of love still haunt me everyday, but they don't ruin my day. I won't let them. I'm learning to control the pain & the bad memories. You will, too. Time is your friend, so is your MC!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Oh gosh my dear. I wish I would have been your friend during this. Of course, you probably would have dropped me. Girlfriends always hated my truth, because it is mine, not theirs, not yours. To go after a girl at her home where her parents live. If she were on her own, you know, that would be different. But she is still a child living at home in the lower income part of your town.... Not in posh land. I wish I would have been able to throw the mirror in your face and show you your husband, not the girl. A full disclosure would have prevented so much of this torture to you and to the girl's family. And there would have been no need for legal intervention.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry but you seriously need help. I feel embarrassed that someone as old as you would behave like this. Asking for the gifts and money back? You are seriously immature and I can't believe I'm actually saying this but...I don't blame your husband for cheating on you. I have never sided with a cheater before but you are so insecure, immature, and narcissistic. I have no idea how your husband has put up with you.

shawn thewife said...

Hi there Anon: I haven't been on this blog post page for over a year!! Don't even know if you'll see my reply but I have a minute to spare so I'd like to address your comment.

You're right. I did need help back then. I was major league effed up...thanks to my cheating hubby and his whore of choice. Before that, I was a pillar of sanity.

But..come on!! The entire premise of your comment is more effed up than I was! There is NEVER any reason, no character flaw or shitty marriage that makes cheating OK. NONE! Regardless of the situation...if your marriage sucks, if your spouse is a wicked heathen...then get a divorce! Don't cheat! That's the chicken shit way around the issue.

That said....if you would do a little more reading about infidelity you'd learn that MOST affairs happen because of issues the cheater has...not the betrayed.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I do apologize for saying I don't blame your husband for cheating. If he were that unhappy to stray then he should've addressed it with you first. I've been reading through your blog (I'm almost finished!) and I have to admit that it's fascinating to read your story. I think what bothers me the most about your Jaymie bashing rants is that you seem like a very intelligent woman. I've read a handful of infidelity blogs and you're by far one of the best writers. I don't know a whole lot about your history but I'm guessing you have a very high formal education. Again, I apologize for my insensitive comment. I just cringe thinking about your behavior because I know you're smart and above your temporary craziness.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Apology accepted. Thanks for that.
My behavior after DDay makes me cringe, too. It was horrific! I did things that made me cringe WHILE I was doing them, like going to the church. I sobbed the whole time I was there, not for my broken heart, but for my loss of self control and my obvious less than balanced mental state.
The name calling and ranting of she who shall no longer be named (at least by me!) could be referred to as immature and un-called for.
I don't care. A good rant lets off steam and who does it hurt? No one I care about.
If it takes away from my credibility telling the story...I still don't care. I write for me and calling the whore names WAS...what's the right word???
Refreshing? Liberating? Easy?? Maybe just plain old fun. ;-)
It's very flattering that you think I'm a fairly bright individual but that doesn't mean I always behave with decorum. That would be soooo boring.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for commenting. And thanks for the apology.
If you wanna share you story, you'll find many others here reading that get it and recovery in a group is way easier tun walking alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn