After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Rationalization, Justification or Plain Old Excuses?

One minute I was floating along, day dreaming about my upcoming night away with Richard at a beautiful resort complete with a couples massage and romantic, candle lit dinner and then in the next sixty seconds I could focus on nothing else but my visceral hatred of Jaymie and my sloppy attempts at revenge.  All these well pondered notions and emotions were interspersed with trying to have a real life.  Here and there I allowed myself a few stolen moments to grieve, no animosity, just bewilderment blended with sorrow.

Not long after I shattered any delusion Jaymie's dad still had about his baby girl's virginity, I was on my way to my real life job.  Acting on impulse (I know, so unlike me!) I called Shannon, wife to Richard's banished best friend, Marc.  We were never close, but I always took pleasure in her company when we had socialized at dinners, weddings of mutual friends or fun days 'Where the Turf Meets the Surf'. (If you live anywhere near Southern CA, you know about the Turf.)

My rationalization for the call was to let her know how sorry I was that we wouldn't be enjoying each others company EVER again.  From the get-go, I vowed that Marc would be banished forever.  Although I know Richard retains hope that someday my heart will soften toward Marc and I will consent to making him a part of our lives once again,  I can state here and now, without reservation...No F***ing way it'll ever happen.

Where was I?  Oh..yes... My rationalization for the call to Shannon.

Please excuse me.  I'm about to digress yet again.  For me, during my time in Crazy Town, a rationalization was also a justification.  If I had been in my real life mind, I would have known many of the vengeful things I did impulsively and actually a few things I thought through, will never be considered a by the book true definition of rational, but I believed they were justifiable.  If I had been judged by another, the verdict would probably have been "Guilty.  Crazy as a loon. Behavior unjustified".

I have thrice rewritten this post.  My intent had been to tell the tale of how Shannon clued me in to the next lie told by my supposedly remorseful wayward spouse and how I reacted to that lie.  Once again, Royal Bitch rose to the occasion.  As I began to record the details, I felt embarrassed and I can't believe I'm typing this...remorseful!

I bring up this point because we surely do judge the betrayers when they reveal their justifications for cheating, don't we?  Such a plethora of flying justifications flew from Richard's mouth after DDay I feared I could be beheaded by one!  Why now, when I have the benefit of 20/20 hind sight can I rationalize MY justifications but I never offered Richard the same courtesy?  Could it be the degree of the offense committed?  How far can we, as betrayed spouses go, before we, too, shall be judged?   It's a slippery slope, a legitimized way to excuse bad behavior.  Double standards can not be utilized when trying to rebuild a broken marriage.
Is this becoming way too convoluted?  Does it make any sense at all?

I don't think I'm reaching to assume that Jaymie thought telling her dad was way up there on the offensive scale, but I had good reasons, rationalizations and my justification for engaging her further way I could hurt her the way she hurt me.  There was nothing I could do to her that was as life altering as what she had wrought.  Who would possibly condemn me?  Not any rational soul!
Pity me?  Sure.  Cringe a little?  You bet, but anyone would excuse my vindictive actions!  She deserved all I could dish out and then some!
But, when is enough ENOUGH?  Why didn't I see that dragging her sorry ass back into our lives time and time again was futile?  It served no purpose but to quench my thirst for revenge.

Writing this post has opened my eyes quite a bit.  I have twisted many events in my mind to suit my purpose, as did Richard when he justified his affair with Jaymie.  You may not believe me yet, (or maybe you do. As I write, I rationalize that you're giving me the benefit of the doubt.) but I went over the line of rational behavior MANY times venting my fury, eventually (spoiler alert!) leading to Jaymie filing a restraining order against me.

There is no damn difference between reasons, rationalizations, justifications or plain old lame excuses.  If I expect Richard to own his life blunders, I must also be willing to readily bear the weight of mine.

So sorry for aborting the story line.  This post has gone awry.
I will add this.  The lie I learned through Shannon involved gifts from my husband, surely given in gratification for services rendered, of sufficient amount to JUSTIFY my referring to Jaymie as a low life, white trash, two bit hooker.

Guess I can't get through one post without a solid justification.  And so it goes....


Anonymous said...

Ugh! That was the worst of it! I totally agree...feeling so angry...and knowing that no matter how angry I was, at him or her...there was no way any of the things I wanted to do to hurt either of them was going to change the fact that betrayal and lying and rationalizing and generally shitty behavior had been perpetrated against me without either my knowledge or consent in the form of their affair. It took a lot of research into both forgiveness and self-worth to get to the point where I can almost see that if you want to salvage anything and move on with love and the BS- then you have to accept, that no matter what you choose to do to try and "even the score", there is no "justice." ugh.

Anonymous said...

Of course he gave her gifts. I'm so sorry you didn't know that but am glad someone told you. Sorry that Marc told his wife - gossiper - and not you. And of course you cannot have Marc back in your life. But hey, maybe you and his wife could now be closer. I'm sure Marc is just as guilty as your WH. Friends do as friends do. At least when it comes to men, that is.