After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

My 100th Post

A Year After the Affair began as a cathartic virtual diary of sorts.  I needed an out of the box idea to move myself forward out of the bleak reality I had lived in since DDay.  When I registered for this blog on E-Blogger, it was called BlogSpot then, there was no thought given to what my story might do to/for others that had been touched/brutalized by an affair.  It was all about me and maybe a little about Jaymie.
At first, I did think maybe I could use this as a tool to further embarrass Jaymie.  Thanks to the Gods of Cyber Space, soon after I hit publish on my first post, I found the Healing Heart.  The members on this support site, that I recommend very highly, schooled me pronto about staying away from the other woman.  Still for the first few months, I had all of our last names right up in front for the world to view.
I even added a couple of nice pics of the three of us.  One of Richard and I celebrating his 60th birthday at Pebble Beach just nine short months after DDay, arms around each other looking as happy as newlyweds and Jaymie's Google+ mug shot.  Shared both with anyone who found their way to my homepage.

No doubt when I began the blog, I was still residing in Crazy Town and I was frantically looking for a way out.  It was over a year after DDay and even though there were many days that I felt nearly normal, there were more that felt like I was living a cowardly life, too afraid to admit my marriage was a facade.  We would not be able to survive Richard's infidelity.  I hoped by beginning to write, I would find a way to reveal the truth of what my future would be and how in the hell I'd ever get there without ending up in a straight jacket.

This is my 100th post.  I am very proud of how far I've come since the first day I began to write, 12/01/11.  I'm still very selfish about it.  I write mostly for me.  I still need to get to the end of my Crazy Town adventure because that's how I have learned to let it go.  Type it, read it, briefly revisit the pain then exhale.....Ahhhhh....bye, bye unmerciful memory.  Inhale and breathe in what brings me joy today.  There is so much.  I am very blessed.  I am extremely grateful.

A blessing I never forget to count is you.  You have changed much of the direction of this blog.  You gave me an additional constructive reason to write.  If the blog had remained just a negative narrative or a tragic tale of my old news, I do not believe I would have been able to walk this far on my Road to Happy.   For me to continue to rejuvenate my happiness, this can't be all about me.  I want this blog to be more than a record of my time in Crazy Town.  I want it to be a place of recovery, a place for those of you that are struggling to find the strength to repair your damaged life.

The fact is... I NEED you people! Many of you thank me for aiding in your recovery, but you always return the favor ten fold.  You are my new drug of choice.  Jaymie is out, my readers are in.  I guess it's like switching from a crack pipe to a treadmill.  Both can be addictive but obviously one is the better choice if you wanna live a happy life.  Is that a shitty metaphor?  Yeah...probably.  But, even after 100 posts, my writing will never win any literary awards.  You're not gonna get Hemingway here, but you'll always get straight shooting.  I tell you exactly what I think.  I pull very few punches.

Each of us is in a different phase of recovery.  No two people find their way out of Crazy Town the same way.  However, I have noticed that many of you use my story for a bit of a vicarious thrill.  You're too smart to lash out at your spouse's affair partner, so reading about my antics brings you a small measure of not-so-guilty pleasure.  Am I right?  It's OK to admit that.  You'd have to be true saint to never wish ill will for the affair partner.  Hell, you're a Mother Teresa clone if you never imagined them boiled in oil or flattened by a steam roller.  If reading about my feeble attempts at payback bring you some tiny amount of titillation, feel that shiver of possibility then remember I have proven beyond any doubt, it ain't worth it.

Here's what we can do:  If you wanna let it all out, declare your rage with the other woman/man, do it here.  Write them a letter, say all you need to right here.  Write it, post it or delete it.  It worked for me.  Maybe it can help some of you, too.  Tell them exactly what you need them to know.  Get it out of your broken heart and off your chest.

I'll start.  My letter to Jaymie today will be much different that it would have been 100 posts ago.  Here's what I would write to Jaymie today:

Jaymie,  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I wasted nearly a year of my life focusing on you.  I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough after finding out about your affair with my husband to put my pain on him.  I'm sorry that I didn't know how to handle so much grief.  I'm sorry that you had a front row seat to witness my pathetic attempts to repair my shattered heart.  I'm sorry that I was so confused and damaged that I actually thought you might help me heal.  I'm sorry I let my shock and anguish blind me to the uselessness of your existence in my life.  
I'm stronger now.  I'm smarter now.  I'm so much healthier and happier now.  Richard and I love each other more everyday and I am grateful I gave him the chance to prove to me he is truly sorry for the mistakes he made with you.
Life is good.  I'm done with you. 
But, I'll share this bit of your back.  The karma bus could be right around the next corner and you know you're due for a ride.

That felt kind of good!!
Your turn.  If you think it might bring you any relief at all, start typing!
Writing can be such a powerful healing tool.  I can surely vouch for that.  You don't really need to write 100 posts to find your path on the Road to Happy.  Sometimes one good rant will start your journey.
Thanks for reading my 100th post, but mostly, thanks for joining me on my Road to Happy.  I never could have come this far without you.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Blood is Thicker than Truth

I've had a few conversations recently with other betrayed wives that feel the need or, more accurately, are obsessed with the thought of outing the affair partner/slut/whore-bag to her family and friends.  Welcome to my world for the first year after the affair.

There is something to be said about telling her husband.  I think that's different from telling her parents, her co-workers, her close friends or YIKES...her kids.  Her husband is directly involved, personally affected.  He deserves to know.  Does that punish her?  Let's hope to hell so, but chances are, you won't get to watch.  Bummer, huh?

It is perfectly normal after DDay to hate the other woman and want to see her suffer while we watch and cheer her demise.  Filling her loved ones in on her secret life sounds like a sure fire way to punish the bitch.  Not so much.  That incessant pull on your gut to shame the other woman won't work out the way you hope, the way you've imagined in your beat up brain.
It's a flawed plan.  I'm gonna tell you why.

First, no matter how badly you think you can hurt her, you can NEVER hurt her the way she hurt you.  Never.  The pain of a betrayed spouse is unique in it's magnitude.  You know that to be true.
And then there's this....the way we imagine the payback going down in our heads is usually not what transpires in the real world.  I'll use my mistakes to prove my point.  When I realized how scared Jaymie was of her parents finding out about her open legs policy, I thought it would feel great to tell her dad!  Couldn't wait to rub Daddy James face in the entire pile of steamy, hot bullshit!  I imagined the scenario would go something like this:  
Me:  Your daughter had an affair with my husband.
Daddy James:  What?  Jaymie couldn't be that stupid!  She slept with an old married man?  Oh, dear Jesus!  Jaymie!  Get your sorry ass in here!  Richard's wife, Shawn, is on the phone.  She says you have been engaging in sex with Richard.  Is this true?????

Yeah..I was looking for a big reward.  A drama filled ass kicking laden with humiliation for Jaymie.

So I did it.  Called him.  Told him.  No ass kicking to be heard.  Instead, he prayed for me.  After that call, I sobbed for hours.  Did I ever see any of the fallout?  Would I ever hear him rip his naughty kid a big, fat new one?  Did I get to know without any shadow of a doubt that Daddy James chastised his baby whore of a daughter for days?
Nope.  Nada.  Nothin'.  

As you know, I frequently gave in to my thirst for payback.  I hope you don't because the addiction of revenge wraps around your heart and if you don't get high enough off your efforts, you gotta go bigger.  Please let me save some of you ladies the trouble, the additional pain and the wasted energy.  If the person you tell is someone important in the other woman's life, they will care about her well being.  Yours...not so much.
More likely than not, they will take her side.  Blood is thicker than truth.  Blood trumps truth.  You spill your pain all over them and they lash out at you to fight it off.    
Just what we need.  More negativity in our lives after DDay!
They will take her side and if you persist, as I did, to remind them of their loved one's major mistakes, they will begin to hate you and it might get ugly.

Without my knowledge, and much to my chagrin, Geek Boy Kevin and Daddy James had joined forces.  Daddy James now knew I only went to his church in my efforts to score the emails.  I had no intention of seeking a divine repair of my broken heart.  
The email I received on August 19th, 2011 at 10:00am should validate my position above.
He copied Richard and the Pastor of the church.

Shawn:  Let me call this straight- This is pure bullshit.  You visited the church, sat in the back row long enough to gather some names, and left before the service was done. All in an effort to gain data to continue your vendetta.  (Jeff, sorry but I have to call it as I see it…)
 Just because someone greeted you does not mean you are in counseling.  If you show up at the church again, you may receive counseling, but not in the way you think. In my opinion the hole in your soul has to be pretty big that you continually try new things to fill it.
Do you think I’m that stupid to fall for this?  My relationship with Jeff is that I can tell him everything and not worry about what or how he feels about me or my family.  Believe me, he has heard worst- all your story did was make him very angry that you tried to use him and the church for your own personal gain (I have never seen him that angry before…interesting how he called me back two days later to tell me he was still fuming).  “Mess with the flock, and watch the shepherd go after the wolf”.
Ø  Get over it- you have stepped over the bounds and breached our written agreement.  I’m checking into my legal rights about that now.
Final word- Your predatory and aggressive behavior needs to be shut down.  You continually going after a 24 year old girl (just out of a broken relationship & lost job who was courted hard by a professional) by harassing her friends and trying to scheme up new ways to be a bitch shows you are exactly the type of woman who your husband didn’t want to be with.  Deal with the 55 year old professional man who has done this in the past and recognize he just ain’t happy with the woman he is tied to (although I can’t imagine why. You being all sweet and everything…).
Done done done… I do not want to hear from you Shawn EVER again! I do not want you to call anyone that has a relationship with Jaymie. I do not want to have anyone stalk her or anyone in our circle of friends. Phone calls, emails, it all stops now!
Richard, you handle this from now on.  She is a pest and a bother and frankly; I’m tired of her poor behavior.  If she isn’t happy with her current arrangement, you fix it.  We did what we had to do based on what she wanted for closure, and we closed the door. I have the signed agreement that we fulfilled- I guess her word is not worth the paper it is written on. Again, I’m taking as much legal action as I’m, allowed to in this instance. 
Richard- if you want all of the emails and the records of her phone calls to our friends, we can deliver them to you for proof of her vindictive and threatening behavior. We do not feel safe with her stalking us, and will alert the proper authorities and get her off of the street.  (I believe there are laws enacted as a result of Nicole Simpson’s death that have strong bearing here).
You have permission to respond to this email. Shawn does not.  Jeff- thank you for your standing with me on this.  I covet your prayers for wisdom as I go forward with this.

 I had spread the ugliness that was the affair all over the fucking place.  I told Jaymie's parents, her new boyfriend and her old boss.  I gained nothing from any of it.  There was no relief from the black hole of my life to be found from outing Jaymie to her friends and family.  After I read that email, I spent days more depressed than I had been in months.  Crushed emotionally and mentally.
Spare yourselves.  Blood will always be thicker than truth.  Focus your efforts at home where your Blood resides.  I wish I had.