My response to him was without reasonable consideration. It was enveloped in pure emotion. I won't bore you with the entirety of the reply I sent him, but I can share the highlights. I told him not to concern himself with my kids. I told him his vague threat fell on deaf ears. I challenged him to truly see Jaymie for who she was, what she'd done. Lastly, I admitted that I realized I couldn't stop him from making a huge mistake by remaining with Jaymie, but I was hopeful his parents could.
That's right...I was planning on dragging more people into my circle of misery.
For anyone and everyone out there reading: This blog is often very difficult to write. As the story progresses, it is getting much harder for me to bare my soul, because as I share on my profile....my soul was freakin' filthy. I harbor guilt because there is no excuse, not even betrayal, for much of what I did during that first year after DDay, especially adding to the collateral damage. Perhaps Richard was deserving of my feeble attempts at payback, but Geek Boy Kevin's parents?? I think not, yet they weren't the last in the long line of casualties.
I did what I did. I'm sorry for it today. As my story gets even darker, I hope you'll find some wiggle room in your heart to forgive me my many transgressions as I continue to learn how to forgive myself.
I got one more reply from Geek Boy Kevin that basically said, "Jaymie is sincerely regretful. Leave us alone!" Apparently Jaymie had found another Knight to shield her from responsibility and consequences.
Always insisting on the last word, I sent Geek Boy Kevin this:
Your last email says it all..Leave "US" alone. You still have faith that Jaymie is worth your time.
Consider this: You told me you had no idea about her relationship with my husband. If you are that close, why didn't she share it with you? She went from Josh, to Richard, to you. Not a lot of "alone" time.
She is very needy. Perhaps you are, too. What do you think she would do if a man, like my husband, came back into her life? A man that could give her money, buy her pretty things and take her to places she's never been. She'd grab that guy like a drunk grabs his drink. Think about it.
She sold you on her "sincere" regret, but she never bothered to share that with me. So, forgive me if I don't buy it.
So sorry I couldn't get through to you. You're young, but I think you know that actions have consequences.
I'm going to copy these emails to your mom, then I'll have done all I can do.
By now, we were well into July, 2011, 9 months post DDay. If I wasn't lashing out, I was sobbing into a pillow. There wasn't even a pinch of progress in healing for the next few months. I wasn't just stuck. I was still sinking. Hating myself for my inability to regain the "old" me. Where had that strong, rational, problem solving, stoic woman gone? I loathed this feeble, helpless persona.
Why wasn't I getting better??
When your wayward spouse is doing all he can to show true remorse, you'd think there would/should be at least a bit of movement toward the Road to Happy. Not for me. I told you, my soul was filthy. With each act of vengeful defiance, it became dirtier still. I wish I could find the words to tell you about the depth of my negativity and self destruction at that point. I was the antithesis of motivated, positive, effective healing.
In the next few months, Jaymie, Daddy James and Geek Boy Kevin would come to view me as much more than a nuisance. I assume they thought of me as a vindictive nut job. Why wouldn't they?
My filthy soul was over flowing with hate. I hated all of them. I surely hated Richard, too.
But, by the end of that summer, I'd hate myself much more.
Truth was, I was scared shitless. I understood I was fighting a loosing battle with myself. I had brief moments of clarity. Even though they were very few and far between, in those flashes of sensible thought, I knew one thing to be true....
I had become my own worst enemy.