After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Freakin' Filthy Soul

The reply I received from Geek Boy Kevin, (Attention Haters:  I typed his name as a proper noun on purpose.  From here on in, that's just gonna be his name...his whole name...Geek Boy Kevin.  It makes me giggle and considering the subject matter, I think a few cheap grins, even though childish, when available, should be allowed.) instantly twisted my panties into an extremely tight bunch.

My response to him was without reasonable consideration.  It was enveloped in pure emotion.  I won't bore you with the entirety of the reply I sent him, but I can share the highlights.  I told him not to concern himself with my kids.  I told him his vague threat fell on deaf ears.  I challenged him to truly see Jaymie for who she was, what she'd done.   Lastly, I admitted that I realized I couldn't stop him from making a huge mistake by remaining with Jaymie, but I was hopeful his parents could.

That's right...I was planning on dragging more people into my circle of misery.

For anyone and everyone out there reading:  This blog is often very difficult to write.  As the story progresses, it is getting much harder for me to bare my soul, because as I share on my profile....my soul was freakin' filthy.  I harbor guilt because there is no excuse, not even betrayal, for much of what I did during that first year after DDay, especially adding to the collateral damage.  Perhaps Richard was deserving of my feeble attempts at payback, but Geek Boy Kevin's parents??  I think not, yet they weren't the last in the long line of casualties.
I did what I did.  I'm sorry for it today.  As my story gets even darker, I hope you'll find some wiggle room in your heart to forgive me my many transgressions as I continue to learn how to forgive myself.

I got one more reply from Geek Boy Kevin that basically said, "Jaymie is sincerely regretful.  Leave us alone!"  Apparently Jaymie had found another Knight to shield her from responsibility and consequences.
Always insisting on the last word, I sent Geek Boy Kevin this:

Your last email says it all..Leave "US" alone. You still have faith that Jaymie is worth your time.
Consider this:  You told me you had no idea about her relationship with my husband.  If you are that close, why didn't she share it with you? She went from Josh, to Richard, to you.  Not a lot of "alone" time.
She is very needy.  Perhaps you are, too. What do you think she would do if a man, like my husband, came back into her life?  A man that could give her money, buy her pretty things and take her to places she's never been.  She'd grab that guy like a drunk grabs his drink.  Think about it.
She sold you on her "sincere" regret, but she never bothered to share that with me.  So, forgive me if I don't buy it.
So sorry I couldn't get through to you.  You're young, but I think you  know that actions have consequences.
I'm going to copy these emails to your mom, then I'll have done all I can do.
Good luck.


By now, we were well into July, 2011, 9 months post DDay.  If I wasn't lashing out, I was sobbing into a pillow.  There wasn't even a pinch of progress in healing for the next few months.  I wasn't just stuck.  I was still sinking.  Hating myself for my inability to regain the "old" me.  Where had that strong, rational, problem solving, stoic woman gone?  I loathed this feeble, helpless persona.
Why wasn't I getting better??
When your wayward spouse is doing all he can to show true remorse, you'd think there would/should be at least a bit of movement toward the Road to Happy.  Not for me.  I told you, my soul was filthy.  With each act of vengeful defiance, it became dirtier still.  I wish I could find the words to tell you about the depth of my negativity and self destruction at that point.  I was the antithesis of motivated, positive, effective healing.
In the next few months, Jaymie, Daddy James and Geek Boy Kevin would come to view me as much more than a nuisance.  I assume they thought of me as a vindictive nut job.  Why wouldn't they?

My filthy soul was over flowing with hate.   I hated all of them.  I surely hated Richard, too.
But, by the end of that summer, I'd hate myself much more.
Truth was, I was scared shitless.  I understood I was fighting a loosing battle with myself.  I had brief moments of clarity.  Even though they were very few and far between, in those flashes of sensible thought, I knew one thing to be true....
I had become my own worst enemy.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's interesting that you write this in hindsight, more than a year from the actual date of the event. I appreciate the time you take to share your experiences which are so pertinent and timely for those of us going through those moments right NOW. I'm wondering though if writing these posts causes you any problem with Richard now? I know you've said he's fine with it, but I wonder how it doesn't create awkwardness from time to time. It sounds as if you all are good in the present. Does posting something about your feelings a year ago cause any fallout between the two of you now? I ask because I sometimes I have days where I dwell on the hurt of the affair, which is now more than a year ago, and I don't necessarily feel like sharing it with my husband. But, I almost feel dishonest if I don't tell him what was on my mind. Then again, if it's on my mind he can usually tell. Do you tell Richard about your posts? How does he feel when you've dug up an old hurt and gave it life again? Does he read your blog? Would you think it a good idea if he wanted to? I've told my husband that I've found an online site that has helped me alot (this one) and that I occassionally post for perspective or to vent. He has never asked me to reveal the site, or expressed a need to know what it was so that he could read it. Maybe that's wise, but then again, if the situation were reversed I'd be dying to know what he said. I don't know...just thinking about how to get through this in the best possible way....

Anonymous said...


You are one crazy ass, tough bitch. I cant believe your blog is all actually real. I Would love to have a BFF just like you.

Little tid bit to make you smile.....I googled "Kevin and Jaymie" and guess what comes up...... "Anal Action" and porn sites. Ah ha the key to Kevin's allure. LOL!! Rock on Shawn.

Ciao

Flaca said...

Wow. Very powerfully written. Thanks for sharing this. I know its not easy for you but is very valuable. Thank you. For those haters who will never understand - I can identify with this kind of hate. Your story does lay out what infidelity does to those of us who have been betrayed. The feelings of shame and self loathing are not just for the Cheater to deal with but they are the lasting effects on those betrayed. We seek ways to find our worth in ways that are often times hurtful and damaging to ourselves. That happened to me when I struck Green. Thanks again for sharing.

BS said...

Shawn:

IMO, all that craziness was a very normal response to a traumatic situation.

When a trusted spouse is sharing his heart, his body, and your mutual marital assets with another person, it makes people crazy...both men and women.

I am not condoning any of the mentioned behaviors, and I like that fact that you are trying to warn others to refrain from it, still you need to forgive yourself for your behaviors. They were all very normal.

I also am not quite sure that telling geek boy Kevin's parents that their son's girlfriend basically behaved as a prostitute with a man she knew to be married, is wrong.

Jaymie is a person with absolutely no morals, and is not a friend to woman. She is predator. And, worse, yet, she never apologized directly to you.

When I was single, working in a very competitive profession, in Manhattan, NY, I had many married men offer me jobs and trips and many nice things in exchange for having an affair with them. I refused. I also felt their request was degrading to me and an assault to my dignity.

Obviously Jamie has no dignity and IMO, Geek Boy Kevin's mom would very likely like to be clued in to this wayward moral compass in Jaymie.

IMO, you need not feel filthy for being damaged by Jaymie's actions with your husband.

Hugs,
BS

Anonymous said...

I love your blog too.

I want to comment about some reader's opinion of Jaymie. I often read people say she is a whore, no values, awful character, behaved like a prostitute, etc etc.

I dont see it like that. (Caveat: I am in no way condoning what she or your H did, and I admire Shawn very much). My take is: she was young and naive. Like another commenter said, she has not even been ALIVE the # of years you and R had been married. When I look at myself at that age, I had no CLUE about the real world, marriage, etc. Obviously she knows right from wrong and knew what she was doing was "wrong". On a basic level. but I am certain in her mind, she justified it by thinking it was "love".

if you look at her behavior after D-Day, she was not atrocious. I dont see her as having ever harassed or even contacted you. Nor did she ever contact R. She initially was willing to even give you what you needed (emails). She was not disrespectful in her dealings with Shawn after Dday. She did the "right thing" (at that time) and went away quietly. She even told R, on the night of Dday, that she understood his choice if decided to stay with his family.

I am not excusing her for having an affair. That is wrong, and she knew it going in. But I think she was swept away with emotions and naivity. As for the "prostitute" thing, I think she got into what she viewed as a real relationship and like many women, alowed her man to buy her things and give her money. I dont at all feel like she was using him for money or gifts, or that she was giving him services rendered in exchange for money. I truly believe she had real feelings for him, and was simply accepting what many many girls do in REAL relationships - a little assistance if needed, a gift here or there. I dont hear any stories of her manipulating R into buying her things or giving her excessive amounts of money. The fact she willingly returned the gifts, and even the cash, again speaks to her "doing the right thing" AFTER the fact of the affair.

All in all, as far as OW come, Jaymie was not that bad LOL! Now, they are all bad, but she is no bunny boiler, manipuative whore IMO. Just a stupid, naive, young girl who experienced a grave lapse in character/morals stemming frmo being swept away by a naive notion of romance and love, which I'm certain she has leanred from. (And no, I am not an OW if anyone's wondering.)

Thanks for the graet blog Shawn!

MJ

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: When I started this blog, I had no idea what I would write. I only knew WHY I would write. It was a last ditch effort to find my Road back to Happy. I had never even read a blog before! I could barely get my email and and just recently learned how to post pictures on Facebook!
I was an over inflated balloon, full of venom, that needed a pressure release before I burst!
I don't remember when I told Richard about the blog. Maybe a month in? Not sure. He has never wanted anything more than for me to be happy again. So simple.
I asked him your questions this morning. He said that answer isn't so simple. He wishes I didn't need to revisit old pain, but if the blog helps me, and he truly believes it does, then he is all about it! He only read it once, when Jaymie found the blog early on. He thinks this is MY space. He doesn't care that I share with the world what he did. It all comes back to me...healing me and saving us.
Now...about your WH not asking about my blog or wanting to learn what is helping you....Men that are truly remorseful after DDay harbor a shit ton of guilt. That's why many waywards don't want to answer our questions. They don't want to go to MC. They just want to put it behind them. It's too hard to face how much pain they caused.
My suggestion for these cheaters: Grow a pair! Own your horrendous behavior. If you really NEED him to read my blog, if you NEED him to talk about the A, if you NEED him to stand on his head while wearing a scarlet letter in a public park....he should do it!
BUT...the betrayed NEED to be sure what they really NEED. What will truly help them move forward and begin to heal.
Ugh! I'm getting carried away with this reply. Sorry. Maybe I need to write a post about this topic. It's important. Bottom line...recovery is a team effort, but IMHO, the betrayed should be team captain.
Thanks for reading.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

To the anonymous women who claims jaymie was just doing whatt normal women do in accepting large infusions of cash and help to pay her bills.

All I can say is I don't know any women who allowed boyfriends to pay their rent or took money for other bills.

Only affair partners do that.

Yes, birthday gifts or valentine's gifts would be accepted.

But I lived and worked in Manhattan for years, in a tough competitive profession. I struggled to pay my rent and bills, but I never asked a boyfriend to help.

I don't know any friends who did that. All my friends thought that would be as degrading as a prostitute.

Also, I often paid for dates here and there, even if my boyfriend was earning more than I.

It' was called equality and self respect.

If Richard had lied to Jaymie about being married, I might agree with you about her just thinking she was in love and being naive and young.

But Richard was honest, and Jaymie knew he was married. She even worked in his office. I don't care how old one is, every woman knows that dating a married man is wrong.

IMO, the names, whore and slut are too kind for Jaymie.

I do agree, she was actually nicer than the OW in my case, in some of her actions, after dday.

But she did beg Richard to choose her. That's not very kind. Richard was married and had a family.

Shame on Jaymie. She is shameless.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I am not that tough. I may still be a bit crazy but, I am an awesome BFF!! I am loyal. I will always have your back! That's what I try to do here. Be an awesome BFF to every Betrayed spouse that stumbles on to these virtual pages, every word of it 100% true. I am not nearly a good enough writer to make shit like this up.
I consider all of my readers my friends. Everyone has helped me heal. All my readers lead me by the hand until my feet were firmly planted on my Road back to Happy. I intend to return the favor.
And you Googled Kevin and Jaymie?? LOL!!! Porn?? That is perfect!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Flaca: There should be a big ass flashing neon sign on the top of my blog....WHAT NOT TO DO AFTER DDAY!!!
Why in the world do we become self destructive? After DDay we need to nurture ourselves, be kinder to ourselves than we have ever been. There are healthy ways to purge poison. An extended stay in Crazy Town is NOT the way to go. Anger and hate of that magnitude take you down. You just can't focus on what could be when you dwell in the what was.
Of course, much of the healing depends on the cheater, but I still believe when we are in the blackest hole of emotional turmoil after DDay, the best we can do, is concentrate on ourselves. Not the A, not the cheater, certainly NOT the OW. Take all the time we need (IC can be key!) to process the shock and analyze what we NEED to begin to heal. I wish I had done all that without Richard for the first few months. Just focused on me. Instead, I acted out. I lashed out. I was totally irrational and that lead to visceral hate and self loathing. Once you head down that dark tunnel, it is a bitch to find your way out.
I send you nothing but positive thoughts for your continued healing, my friend!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Just want to address some of the things BS said in response to my post. I understnad you havent experienced relationships where the man helps out financially, but it does occur, quite commonly actually. Especially in a case where the woman is struggling financiailly and the man is well off. You mention "large infusions of cash" and I dont view it as that. I believe it was $1000 or so? And R indicated he liked doing it and liked helping her out in a patriarchal sense. It doesnt appear he or she veiwed this as payment for sex, but more as just an element of their relationship that is frankly not uncommon in even open relationships.

I agree jaymie knowlingly getting involved with a MM is shameful, and it definitely points to questionable morals/ethics. But I dont view her as a prostitute or using him for $. I do believe she honestly felt she loved him.

also I did not view her as having begged him to choose her. I believe her email to him recounting the DDday night included language where she indicated she acknowledged staying w/ his family was the right thing to do and that she understood if he chose that. Her behavior after supports this statement.

Please note, I am in no way exusing her, and if it helps BS to heal by calling her whore and what not, so be it. But I personally dont view her as that per se, though I dont view her highly either.

Thanks
MJ

shawn thewife said...

BS & MJ: You're both a little bit right about Jaymie. Here's where I think the line should be drawn. Her behavior was shameless. Perhaps she isn't. I only give her that much of a pass because of her age and the fact that I've heard from a couple of her friends that shared some of her background with me.
She had a rough childhood, right through high school. She was a cutter at one point. I've been told her Dad was less than a stellar example of how men should treat women, that is... until he found Jesus. She needed a daddy figure as much as Richard needed a young girl to bring back his lost youth.
Did she beg Richard to leave me? Yep. Did she know that was never gonna happen? Yep. Did she apologize to me. Yep, but I didn't give a shit that she was sorry. So, I harbor some serious animosity, deep down, that I can keep in check with a few derogatory names tossed her way once in a while. Pretty harmless if you ask me.
That said, is Jaymie a whore?? Hell to the YEA! Is she a prostitute because she took the cash Richard readily offered up, I must concede...No, she isn't. She ain't too bright and she is certainly naive. But, she ain't sweet and innocent! I think we can agree on that.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Yes I agree with all you said Shawn. And keep in mind, I am coming to your blog after reading the blog "Resurrecting My Marriage" which involves a true psycho bunner boiler OW who got preggo and made it her life mission to destroy her MM and his BS. After reading that literally HORRIBYING blog, your blog is like lemonade lol (not in any way to minimize what you went through your pain).
Please keep writing, your blog is very honest and well written, even funny at times
Thanks
MJ

Carolyn said...

My 60 year old H had a ten year affair with a 30+ year old, so as you can imagine, I know the rage and craziness and I look forward to your blog as a thirsy man in a desert. Since I am basically a wimpy, prissy little woman, the only thing I did wzs send the OW an email wishing her luck on her journey to find another man. So I vent my rage vicariously through your vicious rants where I get to superimpose my revenge fantasies on my marriage. Love it. Keep up the good work - I completely understand the rage and grief - still healing after three years.

BS said...

MJ:

Okay, I concede. Jaymie isn't a prostitute for accepting $1,000 from Richard, which IMO, is a large infusion of cash, Even few prostitutes earn that much for a one night.

Jaymie was only ACTING like a prostitute.

To make excuses for her however, in any way is part of the problem and likely one of the root causes of infidelity on the rise and the incidence of young women being willing to date a married man...... ....all the shame and ramifications of dating a married person has been excused by society.

Why give jaymie that out. She needs to learn that actions have consequences.

Lastly men often claim they enjoy paying prostitutes. It doesn't make the prostitute any less of a prostitute because the man kinda' likes paying for it.

As a betrayed spouse you obviously hit one of my hot buttons, so I apologize for being too forthright about the way I see Jaymie.

Calling the OW a slut, a whore and a prostitute, is a very mild cathartic for most betrayed spouses and it is certainly a healthy way to express their anger, rather than say, decking the OW.

BTW, if you do some research, statistically the OW is far more likely to kill or harm the wife physically than the wife is to harm an OW, physically.

Most men who have affairs do not want to leave their wife.

The OW is just a novelty and a way to get something extra on the side.

And, oh, wait maybe you are right prostitute is the wrong word to describe most OWs.

Most men consider an OW less expansive than a prostitute.

shawn thewife said...

MJ: I get it. I know damn good and well lots of betrayed spouses have it WAY worse than I did! As I have said many times, we all have different paths on our Road back to Happy. Some are smoother than others, most are well traveled by many before us. We should utilize the previous travelers as seasoned guides.
And, some paths can only be navigated by the truly resilient. Those roads are paved with bunny boiling OWs.
My heart bleeds for women that can't rid themselves of the OW. OWs are like cancer. They eat away at you. We are all aware that healing is next to impossible while OW is still involved in any way.
Please share a link to the blog you mentioned. I couldn't find it and I'd like to read her story.
Thanks for reading and commenting here.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story. You really know how to capture the emotions that are so unreal. I applaud your strength. You've done everything I've dreamt of doing to ow. It's amazing how we become this person that is so unlike our other self before discovery. I love the picture of you and your husband. You are beautiful!!! I wanted to ask how your kids are? I read through it quickly and remember you had 2.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Thank you so much for your much too kind words. I totally forgot there was a pic of Richard and I on my profile! There's a pic of Jaymie, too. Those used to be on my homepage until Jaymie found the blog, then I decided to pull them and remove our last names, as well.

My kids are quite good. It's like nothing ever really happened. In the beginning they were freaked. Then, they became sort of skittish for about 6 months or so. I always told them they could ask me anything. I wouldn't lie, but I may not always be able to answer them. We always told them, from the beginning, this was not about them.

We were able to shield them from most of my visits to Crazy Town. They saw enough the first few months to know Daddy fucked up royally, but they trusted us to do our best to never hurt them. I have always been amazed by how much they trusted us.

Now, 2 1/2 years out, they are fine and dandy and I am so very grateful.
Thanks for asking.
Hope you're on your Road to Happy.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Cindy Taylor said...

You know I have two quick thoughts:

1) Jaymie may have had a tough life but she's still an adult and she is responsible for the choices she makes. Does that necessarily make her a whore? No probably not. BUT even if she did have a tough start to life, once she became an adult she was responsible to herself to get the help she needed to address the tough start. So "tough start" doesn't let her off the hook for her behavior. Shawn...I bet you don't disagree ;)

2) This isn't about Jaymie. This post and this whole blog is about Shawn and about her examining herself, her life, her heart and bringing light to the darkness in there! The part that is really, REALLY hard to work through is admitting to yourself that you have that dark hate within yourself and being honest. "I have to look that in the eye and get it out!"

On that regard...thanks for opening up and sharing. I know it helps lot of folks to know that they're not alone in hating the Other Person and even a little hating their Disloyal and maybe hating themselves for taking the Disloyal back!

shawn thewife said...

Hey, Cindy:
1) Agreed. The one character flaw that is present in every OW is innate selfishness. That holds true for cheaters, too! That doesn't come from a "tough start".

2) You nailed it. When I started this blog it was all about me. The inital plan was to write my way out of Crazy Town.
Who knew my healing would come from readers!? The blog has morphed into a place for many betrayed spouses. including myself, to find support from others that know the same intense heartbreak.
How great is that??
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Morbid curiousity caused me to look at the pics you referred to. Was that Jaimye with the pixie cut? Either way, I saw your picture, you are a beautiful woman. I guess you may have been in the same boat of feeling no clarification whatsoever after seeing the OW, who usually doesn't stack up in any way to yourself though your insecurities force you to compare nonetheless. Looking at the OW leaves you even more perplexed by the affair or how your husband could have developed "feelings" for this other person while making a case against you to justify what he had done. The OW rarely stacks up....not in looks, history, relevance, smarts, morals or shared responsibility to family. I have come to see my OW as nothing more than a mirror for how ugly my WH had become on the inside. Deplorable, broken and selfish...her outsides looking just like her inside; and just like my husband's state of mind at the time. My OW was a homely looking 25 year old with glasses, a slightly rat or horse-faced expression in over 30 instances I could find on the internet, and a complete lack of respect for women in general, or the institution of marriage and family. I'd show you what I mean but I don't want to be petty! Just have to hope that when they come out of the fog they see the OW as clearly as we do...midlife crisis affairs are worse than a severe case of beer goggles!

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Yep. That's Jaymie. I think the pixie cut happened after DDay because Richard didn't even recognize her a year later when we saw her in court. (haven't written about that yet) He thought she was a boy! LOL!
At first, I really thought she had something I didn't. Later, I began to understand that I was right. Jaymie's attraction was her youth. Simple as that. Talking like a 20 year old, behaving like a 20 year old and screwing a 20 year old made him feel like one. There was nothing special about her except her age. To Richard, she was the fountain of youth.
He gets that now. He still says she was a good person. The affair was totally his fault. He owns it all. Good. I like that he owns the affair, but he'll never convince me she's a good person. No way in hell...which is where I hope she goes!! LOL!
Crackin' myself up!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn