Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Sorry Before Breakfast
Richard always leaves before me. He keeps court schedules. I keep retail hours. I like my schedule better because I don't have to head out the door until 9:00. His regular departure time is 7:00. That was when he very unexpectedly gave voice to the words.
I walked from our bedroom, in my over sized white t-shirt that is my absolute favorite softie thing to sleep in, to the kitchen for a hug and a kiss and our regular daily good byes. Usually we part ways right there when he heads into the garage. Today, however, he had his arms full of files. Lawyers LOVE lots of documents!! He was trying unsuccessfully to balance his travel mug of tea on top of the file boxes. Valiant effort was made, but it was clear two trips to the car would be required. I grabbed the tottering tea and opened the door for him. "I'll walk you out."
It was chilly out there, I was only wearing my baggie t-shirt and slippers, but that's not what woke me all the way up. He put the boxes in his car and came back for his mug, which has pictures of us and the kiddos all over it. I handed it over and he reached around me for a hug. Then it happened.
"I'm sorry." He whispered in my ear.
I didn't process that. I just muttered, "Huh? For what?"
Where did that came from? My gut even clenched for a second! Shit! What did he do now??
"I just wanted to say it. I haven't said it for a while, so I wanted to say it. I'm sorry for it all."
He said all that while walking to his car and climbing in the driver's seat for his 45 minute commute to work.
I, very eloquently replied, "Oh...OK. Bye."
Then, I made a fresh, hot cup of tea, came back to my bedroom and decided to share this little moment out of my life post DDay with you.
What just happened?? What was he thinking?? Why this morning?
I ask you, my Sisters in Betrayal Survival....while we struggle to recover from infidelity, could it be our cheating husbands are struggling equally? Do they suffer with triggers? Do we need to be alert for subtle hints that they need more reassurance from us? Even when our lives seem to be sailing on calm waters, are there serious rip currents running just beneath the surface?? The emotional water of recovery runs deep for all of us.
Or...was it just a moment that I should appreciate as contrite confirmation of my husband's remorse and his sincere regret at past damage done? Maybe I shouldn't over-think it. Does it really matter that this apology, these spontaneous words of atonement came out of left field?
Perhaps I'll ponder it today, wait for thoughts from you and then talk to Richard about it tonight or over the weekend.
I might just let it go. Not sure yet. I gotta change my focus and get to work.
Regardless, this little eye opener managed to open my heart a little more. Guess I'll focus on that for now. Just another tiny step on my Road to Happy.
Have a wonderfully eye opening day, my friends!! Hugs!