Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Rockin' the Boat
My intent was for this next post to be about my continued pursuit of making Jaymie's life suck hard. I am ready to put it out there. You think my behavior was bad up until now, you're right, but it got worse. I wanna confess my sins. Get it over with already!
BUT (I swear there is always a BUT!) My last post feels unfinished. The little eye opener in the garage and the comments from all of you regarding the incident, has got me rolling in turbulent water. I'm gonna reach for the "Rocking Boat" metaphor because of a recent post from Rescuing my Marriage. The post was called Patching the Life Raft. It spoke to me on so many levels. For one, she writes about needing to talk about the affair, share the misery with the masses just to lighten the load in a sinking ship. This is one of those times for me. Since Richard's early morning apology, my blissful boat is rocking in mild swells with a few intermittent rogue waves thrown into the mix, keeping me ever vigilant, just waiting for my marriage to spring a major leak.
I know you want me to finish the Crazy Town story of a Year after the Affair and I will! I'm no quitter! (Probably one of the main reasons why I'm still married. Quitting is failure in my eyes. I relate best to Toughie Pants, remember?) I just need to utilize this pseudo soap box for my own selfish purposes right now. My dinghy is rocking and taking on water. I need help bailing!
Affair recovery is not for the weak at heart or of stomach. We all know the Roller Coaster from Hell metaphor. That sucker required lots of anti-nausea medication! (not to mention Xanax and wine)
That image works perfectly for describing my first year out.
The rocking boat better portrays how I envision forever after DDay. My mind's eye beholds a little skiff with two slat boards benches. (Picture the boat in Life of Pi and shrink it by half) On one of the splintery boards sits Richard and I occupy the second. When we lean toward each other with love and in the true spirit of healing, the little dinghy seems adequately safe and buoyant as it drifts along in a peaceful ocean.
That's how it's been (mostly) for months. Since the recent reveal of the additional regret, our stability in the marital waters has faltered. It's not drastic, mind you, but it's disconcerting.
Most of you wonderful readers have not traveled as far on the Road to Happy as I have. By your emails and comments, I have come to realize that you relate more to my past story than present dilemmas.
However, you possess very large, open hearts and even if you're not familiar with the turbulent waters I'm about to describe, I know you'll have sage, valuable advice.
You know I was mildly freaked out by the "I'm Sorry". You also know I asked Richard about it and his explanation was less than enlightening. "I just felt like saying it." Seriously, for a lawyer, he's not the most articulate guy when discussing infidelity trauma.
He doesn't explain himself because he hates talking about he affair. Most betrayers don't want to look that closely at the damage they caused. I know that. I get that. But, when a big wave slaps the side of the boat, I feel the need to stand up and shift my weight...back and forth....really stir it up. The tempest in rough seas. Sheesh! Your comments in my previous post told me not to make a big deal out of the spontaneous apology. I didn't...with Richard. My busy brain however is an entirely different story!
Richard called me at work last Friday. Said he was getting off early and wanted to come by for a drink. (Love that I have an awesome bar with fabulous margaritas right in front of my store!!) I hesitated. At work, I don't think about the affair, but Richard calls, and on this day, I think of nothing else! CRAP! I guess my pause was longer than it should of been. Richard said, "What's the problem? You don't want me to come?"
I couldn't recover from my mental constipation quick enough, "Uh...no, that's not it...I'm...uh..."
Richard got tired of waiting for me to shit or get off the pot. "Whatever. I wanna drink. I'm coming. You can join me if you want."
Feel the boat wobble, pitch and roll?
When he got there, I had intended to sit my ass down and quit rocking the damn boat! I was gonna walk right up to him with a smile, a hug and a kiss. I did that, then I pulled down his shirt that was riding up and began brushing the dandruff off his shoulders.
He looked right in my eyes, and almost snarled, "Don't fix me. I'm fine. You don't need to fix me." Whoa! Richard was doing an Irish jig in our bobbing boat and it almost threw me over the side! I backed off quickly as my eyes welled up.
I haven't been very touchy-feely since then. For me, when the waters become choppy, I pull back. Richard needs touchy-feely. He needs to be wanted, desirable.
When I pull back, he gets sullen. That pisses me off because I want to be able to have a private moment from time to time in our little boat when I need to without worrying about him feeling all sorry for himself. Is that too much to ask??
Suffice it to say, the last week has been a challenge for an amateur sailor, like myself.
Here's what I consider to be the looming tsunami....Will I be on hyper alert for stormy seas for the rest of our marriage?? All couples rock their boats from time to time, right? Why does any unkind word or a couple of days with less affection than normal cause the sour bile of sea sickness to rise up in my throat? Am I still afraid our marriage might capsize?
I'm in this trip for the long haul, but I don't wanna live in unsettled seas. The effort is exhausting! I can't let every tiny change in the weather agitate our vessel. I need to find a way to navigate around the nasty weather so our little love boat can drift along tranquilly.
Time to call on my readers, my Coast Guard Rescue...SOS.......help me stop rockin' the damn boat!