After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Focused on the Rear View Mirror

You do stupid shit when you live your life gazing backwards.  If you're not watching where you're going, you're gonna end up falling down and busting your ass!   In my case, I was living in the past, feeding the pain caused by my husband and missing all he was trying to do for our future.  While I focused in that awful rearview mirror, I sent the "R" rated email to Jaymie's dad via Richard's email address.  Richard was utterly confused when he received this...

From James to Richard:

I did not read the email you sent, (it is dated Oct 13, 2010 and is not anything of value) -and I can assure that all of the emails accounts that you listed for Jaymie are not active so she is not receiving it.  I do not know why you sent the forwarded message, but it is in direct violation of Shawn’s signed agreement of 12/10/2010 where she states no further contact if the $500 is repaid.  My recommendation is that you not contact anyone in this family because if you do  you are in violation of your agreement.  I will now put your email to my blocked members list and will not receive any more myself.
(James says he didn't read the email.  What a crock.  As a parent, wouldn't you read it?  Wouldn't you NEED to know how far down into the abyss of moral turpitude your baby girl was sinking?  Hell, yes you would!  Well....at least I know I would!)

I hadn't told Richard I was going to send anything to James.  I surely didn't ask his permission to continue my quest for the emails.  When this popped into his "IN" box, he sent it to me and asked what was up.  My only reply was, "Don't worry.  I know what I'm doing."
Hilarious!  You could just about piss you pants that's so damn funny!   I thought I KNEW what I was doing!!  In my pathetic, delusional, heartbroken state...I had a plan!

 OK....maybe that's not so much funny as it is truly sad.

The email from James arrived on March 8th, 2011.  James sounded like he was about ready to take some serious legal action.  That scared me...NOT!  The thought of having my moment in court, shouting to the world that his baby girl likes giving blow jobs to 60 year old men sitting on chairs in a law office left me all a-twitter!  Reading the words of lust and love from the few emails I had in open court sounded like the ultimate payback opportunity!
BUT...none of that would get me the emails!  Sharing the lurid details of Richard and Jaymie's affair would be just another momentary euphoric bit of revenge.

I'm telling you, Friends...revenge never feels as good as you hope it will.  If you are normally a decent human being, you'll probably end up feeling guilty after the initial victorious high.  The guilt lasts much longer than the elation you might experience as your foe falls.  Believe me.

Anyway, it didn't matter what I thought then.  Getting the emails from Jaymie by threatening to share the emails I had with her dad was a bust.  She didn't cave.  I sent her a few more emails in the next few months to no avail.  Tried calling her out, being kind, playing on her sympathy.  Maybe she wasn't even getting my emails, but I doubt that.  I think she was just hoping if she ignored me long enough, I'd go away.
Here's one of the emails I sent the baby bitch-whore in May:

Guess you feel like you don't owe me anything.  I get that you'd think that.  You gave me back all the "stuff".  To you, that must mean you don't owe me anything.  Maybe someday you'll realize that you truly owe me much, much more.  
I also get that you just want to get on with your life and forget all about the man that made a fool of you.  He made a fool of me, too, but then thought better of it.  We do have that in common.
Oh, well.....maybe you rebounded better than I thought you would and talking to me might open old wounds.
For me, just typing these emails is a bit therapeutic, cathartic even.  Not sure why.  Doesn't matter if you choose to participate in the conversation.  I really am very curious about how you are.  You have insight to the depth of Richard's dishonesty.  I could use a little of that insight.  Love is present, but trust elusive.
`shawn`


Talk about spinning your wheels...my life then was just that.  Spinning the wheels on the train that drove me through Crazy Town.  I had no positive focus in my life.  I never looked forward.  I could only see my life from the rearview mirror.  When you dwell in the past, you're stuck.  Stuck sucks.
If you're stuck in a rut on your Road back to Happy, ask yourself this...Am I living in the pain of yesterday?  Can I find a way to put my hope into the life I want to have tomorrow?  Can I place my effort in making my future brighter?
The rearview mirror can't offer you much when you're wallowing in heartbreak.  I didn't get that.  I continued feeding my pain instead of nurturing my happiness.  BIG mistake.

At the end of June, 2011, I found Kevin, Jaymie's new squeeze.  She went from my old husband to a skinny, bearded geek child, a year younger than her!  Rebound much??
I digress....Her Facebook profile pic changed from a single to a couple.  I found the additional face in her friends list.  Went to his page and there it was...Kevin and Jaymie huggin' it out on his profile pic!
They looked so happy!
Screw that!  She doesn't get to be happy while I'm barely able to breathe!  Once I had Kevin's name, it wasn't tough to find out he also attended SDSU, he worked in the library and he fancied himself quite the writer.  The internet is a beautifully scary thing.

Got his phone number, and with my brain still focused on the rearview mirror.  I placed a call to Kevin to let him know he was dipping his wick in my husband's sloppy seconds.

22 comments:

TrustingPoet said...

As I read your story, I am reminded so much of myself. I am stuck in the past, and I can't figure out how to move forward. Everything you have talked about that you did in your search for answers is either very similar to something I did, or something I have fantasized about doing.
The road to seek vengeance is a very lonely and time consuming road indeed.

shawn thewife said...

Welcome, TrustingPoet:
I'm so sorry you feel stuck. The amount of time it takes to find the strength to take back your life varies for each of us. It took me well over a year. The trauma caused by DDay shatters our rational thought. We act so much more on our emotions and all our emotions center around the horrible day our lives changed forever.
It ain't easy to find the way back to dealing in the here and now. Writing this blog helped me. It still helps me. It also helps to find others that know your pain. It's really tough to find your way forward alone.
If you need support, we'll be here.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Hello Shawn,

How did Kevin react?

Still slightly curious.

Anonymous said...

Holy crap! I wish I had an ounce of your courage. After 5 months, I would love to email her and tell her what I think of her, or ask for emails to find out the depth of his deception. To be brave enough to call her on all her lies and whoring ways. We all live in our version of crazy town. I let my fear of knowing the depth of his deception control my eagerness and desire to confront her. I wish I had your strength. I wish I could stop looking in that rear view mirror....

I am very curious now what Kevin had up say and if he stuck with Jaime.

Trish

Reluctant Poly said...

I blasted all my shit for the world to see on my personal and very public blog. My mom reads it. His mom and sister read. Most of our friends read it. I wanted to call him and her out. It felt good in the moment. I felt like I was getting one over on her. But then I realized her moral compass is so broken she didn't even care. And that made things worse. Because she went on with her life like she'd done nothing wrong, but I was left with an even bigger mess to clean up. Not exactly your situation, but I think the emotions are the same. The ones that blind you to the rational. When you come to that realization I think it makes you hate the other woman even more for doing that to you. I'm still trying to come to grips with all of it.

BS said...

Hi Shawn:

Jaymie will never hurt the way you do.

She already knew Richard was having and affair not a real relationship.

Also, she wasn't with him very long, and she never held the guileless trust that you or almost all blindsided loyal spouses did.

I don't think the ending of an affair can be compared to the dissolution of the trust a loyal spouse held in a long term marriage, and the shattering of that trust.

Of course she's happy, her ego has been fed by an old man risking his marriage to screw her, and as some psychologists say, most women who have affairs with old men have daddy issues and are in competition with the wives of the men they go after.

Richard was just a toy for Jaymie. If the relationship had become real should would have discarded him for a young geeky guy soon enough.

If they had ever gotten together for a real relationship, Jaymie would have still been a young women in her forties while Richard would been in his 80s.

Soon looking at him would make her feel old, and she would be looking to escape that feeling and her own midlife crisis.

shawn thewife said...

Curious Anonymous: I'll fill you in on Kevin soon. His reaction wasn't that surprising.
There was never an attempt at revenge during my stay in Crazy Town that worked out that way I hoped it would. Not once.
Maybe my story will save someone else out there a hell of a lot of effort and torment.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Dear shawn
I find your blog encouraging at times and sometimes think how long is this mess going to last. My husband had a emotional affair and after that I had a more physical one I wrote you before I thought the other guy was my road to happy . I'm now 18 months after D day and still feel hurt my therapist talks about feeding the pain and that at some sick level I enjoy it I want to move on I just can't :-( and the other guy weights over my shoulder ever more strongly . I feel not wanted or valuable like the first day I want things to be normal again :-(
Betrayed wife down under

Trish said...

I am so glad I accidently came across your blog...I hate what you are going through, but selfishly, I find relief in knowing I'm not alone. I, too, am finding myself so STUCK...

My husband had an affair in Jan./Feb. of 2011...I found out because I suspected he was getting into internet porn, so I put a keylogger on the computer. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a fake FB account connected to an email address I was unaware of, and a ton of intimate, dirty emails and messages from some slut who apparently couldn't get enough of my husband. He was at work but I called him and immediately confronted him and was told it was all just talk, they'd never had sex even though she talked about spending time with him in his truck ( he drives a semi with a sleeper, gone 3 nights a week delivering produce )and how good the sex was, how much she couldn't wait to see him again, etc. I WANTED to believe him, but my heart told me otherwise. I confronted her on the phone as well and she also denied the sex but said she rode around in his truck, which he denied. In any case, it supposedly ended right then and there - they both said it was just sex, no emotional attachment. I never found any evidence to prove otherwise ( and I was very watchful! ). Then, a few months later, I checked the computer history before he had time to delete it and found out that he WAS also looking at some disgusting porn. That turned into a confession that he has struggled with a porn addiction since he was a teenager...so basically he had been cheating mentally our entire relationship and marriage, jacking off to nameless porn sluts. We went to counseling and I brought the affair up but he continued to deny actual sex. So, I pursued HER for information. I bugged the crap out of her on FB until finally, in September of 2012, she admitted that yes, they had had sex several times over a few weeks but it had ended immediately when I first found out and she maintained that it was just sex, no emotional attachment or commitment ( she was married as well when it happened, but her husband found out what a whore she was and divorced her skanky ass ). I guess it was supposed to make me feel better that it wasn't about love, right?!?

Trish said...

So I confronted my husband about it again for the millionth time but told him everything she had told me, and he finally came clean...so for me, I didn't really start processing the entire thing until about 6 months ago, a year and a half after the actual affair occurred. So we went to counseling AGAIN...same counselor, who had told me the first time round he knew my husband was lying but I needed to forgive anyway. So, what was the topic this time? Me working on forgiveness again. Yes, I believe as a Christian I'm expected to forgive just as I was forgiven. But I am a HUMAN BEING, not God! Am I perfect? FAR from it. Was I the wife I should have been? No...and my attitudes and behaviors contributed to the state of our relationship that made my husband more susceptible to an affair. But he had a choice all along. I could have been the worst wife ever and he would still have no justification to cheat.

To his credit, he has done everything he can to be open and honest. We have a filter on the computer that I control, he has blocks and limits on his phone and I control the account, he calls me constantly when on the road ( and the whore got fired from the store she was working at not long after I initially found out about the affair, so I knew she wasn't in the picture ), he constantly tells me he is sorry and that he loves me. But this whole thing still eats me ALIVE! HOW COULD HE??? He says he doesn't know, he regrets it, he was being stupid, he felt like I didn't even care, blah blah blah...I just don't know how he could actually go that far, not just once but multiple times. Especially if he didn't even have feelings for her. And, when he finally was truthful, I found out that they never used protection...so I never had a chance to protect myself from all the skanky diseases she could have possibly had that he exposed me too. I made him get tested and everything was negative...thank GOD!!! But he didn't even care enough about his own life, or mine...or that of our unborn child, because the summer of 2011 I got pregnant. What if the baby had been born with problems due to a disease I didn't even know I had thanks to his selfish stupidity? It blows my mind when I think of all the ways he was so incredibly selfish and stupid.

So...I'm stuck...I can't stop imagining him with this other woman. He says it was ordinary, nothing special sex. Her emails were all about how amazing the sex was, what an awesome lover he was...I was pissed at him yesterday thinking about it and I asked him how their could be such a discrepancy in her version and his! I think she probably exaggerated some, but for sure he downplayed it. Why I'm even obsessing about it I don't even know! But I think about all the times he would come home and act like nothing was different...after he had just been screwing her a few hours earlier, while I was at home nursing a baby, taking care of the house...I think about how I washed his underwear that probably had traces of that slutbag on them...it makes me sick!!! How do I stop thinking that way? How do I stop obsessing? Does this EVER get any easier? I am triggered and haunted by everything...I hear someone with her name mentioned on TV, the word affair, even sex with mu husband...every day of my life I am reminded that he was unfaithful. Sometimes I think about finding someone to cheat with so I can make him hurt the way he hurt me. But I just don't think I could do it....

shawn thewife said...

Trish: Trickle truth is the norm. That doesn't make it OK and I know that doesn't make it hurt any less. But, you mentioned that you were relieved to find you were not alone, so I thought I'd point it out.
It sounds like you have the typical dumb shit cheating spouse. The kind of cheater that truly believes they're doing you a favor by with holding details because they don't want to hurt you anymore. Going to the OW should NOT be an option. Her version of the affair doesn't matter. The only recourse is to stress to your WH that the discovery of any further lies will hurt you and your marriage FAR more than him telling you everything now. But, remember...think about what you really NEED to know. Once you know it, you can't UNknow it.
After that, you gotta accept what he says and hope for the best. OR...you can do what I did and waste a whole freakin' year trying to dig up the sordid details. I can tell you...my way was the very rough, unpaved path on the Road to Happy. I do not recommend it!

I don't buy into your counselor's advice. Healing is about much more than forgiveness. Mostly...it's about time...LOTS of time for your WH to earn his way back into your heart, to prove to you he deserves you. THEN...if you want, forgive him. I don't forgive Richard. Doubt I ever will, but I accept what he did and I'm learning (still learning!) to let it go and focus on today and tomorrow. No more dwelling in the past. That's where the healing is...in the NOW.

And, YES, dear Trish, it will get easier. I promise you. With support from others that truly get it and are a little further down the Road to Happy, you can have a stronger marriage after an Affair.
You're not alone. We'll be here.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Betrayed wife down under: I'm not sure I understand your situation. Do you want to reconcile with your WH? Are you seeing another man?
I want so much to offer support, but I need to know what you're hoping for.
If you can, please share your story with us.
If you shared details before, my memory fails me! I need an update.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

AND...Trish: I MUST add...I was not courageous! Not in the least! I was combative. I was confrontational. I was CRAZY! None of it was productive, constructive or helpful in anyway.
I was like a wounded animal, lashing out in fear and pain. Nothing good can come from behavior like that.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Reluctant Poly: My blog was never intended to be used as a weapon. I think maybe it was more of a shield. Something to help protect me. Or maybe it began more as a virtual padded cell...a place that I could dump all of the pain and rage without hurting myself more.

Regardless, I definitely didn't begin to write to call Richard or Jaymie out. I didn't care who found the blog. I used to have pics on the homepage. One of Richard and I, all smiley and happy, and one of Jaymie big, toothy grin. Had last names up there and everything.
I didn't care who read it. This blog was for me. Period. It was MY therapy. You gotta heal yourself before you can heal your marriage.
As I got stronger, I began to care more about healing my marriage. I was more focused on tomorrow than yesterday. About that time, Jaymie found the blog and freaked! I didn't want her back in our lives so I took down all the specifics. Made the blog a little more anonymous, but still pretty darn close to home.
My point to you is...forget about the OW. It doesn't matter if she's happy. It doesn't matter if she gets hit by a truck. As long as she is out of your life!
Hate takes way too much effort. She ain't worth it.
I'm gonna go check out your blog.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

BS: I think you're off base. Richard was never a toy for Jaymie. SHE was surely a toy for him. He was a daddy, a mentor and a cash cow. Her self esteem was lower than his!
But, do I think she suffered much from losing him?? Nope. Maybe a week at best, then she had to find a new guy to feed her empty soul. From what I've learned about her, she NEEDS to have a boyfriend to support her low self-esteem. It was pretty damn easy for Richard to reel her in after she broke up with her previous boyfriend.

I do think she was smart enough to know he would never leave me for her, but she probably hoped she would be able to stay in his life. Richard made her life MUCH easier and made her feel special.
Trust me...there ain't nothin' special about her!
And, that's all the time I wanna spend thinking about the little slut for today! LOL!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Trish said...

Thank you Shawn...I appreciate what you said. I know you are right about about thinking about what it is I REALLY need to know. I don't know why I feel this need to obsess about the details...I guess I feel like the sex must have been amazing with her if he was willing to risk our marriage! He says no, it was nothing special...her emails gushed about his 'love-making skills' - it drives me crazy!! I keep asking him, what did you DO with her? What did SHE do that was so great it kept you coming back for more?? He says nothing...he says he was stupid, it wasn't worth it, he doesn't know why he did it. But he must have found it worth the risk at the time...and si I continue to obsess... :-(

I'm glad that it gets better with time...I'm just hoping I don't lose my mind in the process. I don't like this angry, frustrated, bitter person that I seem to be a lot of the time...

Susan Rubinsky said...

Thanks for continuing to share, Shawn. As always, you rock!

BS said...

Hi Shawn:

Sorry, for yet again projecting my own situation onto yours.

I was just sharing without clarifying. Never a good thing to do with the written word only.

To clarify: In my situation, my counselor mentioned that most young single women who go after older married men, will end up leaving the man, if the relationship were to become real.

It was the therapist's thought that these younger single OWs are simply playing wife they don't understand the reality of a real marriage.

It's in that sense that the married men are toys to these women. The OW's are not conscious of that factor, and won't be maybe for years into a real relationship, if one had ever developed.

During the affair they truly believe the older married man is their soulmate and the conquest of taking this man from their long time wife is intoxicating and makes them feel powerful.

If the OW is married, it's still a game, a game comprised of conjuring a fantasy relationship, and the conquest aspect also factors into the equation prominently.

My husband's other woman did not seem like a toy to him, from my perspective, and based on emails and texts I read. Your situation is clearly different.

In my situation, and to me, it seemed like my husband was really enjoying the ego strokes she gave him. He really really enjoyed being with her too.

She made him feel young and carefree and removed from normal adult responsibilities.

The OW in my case was married, and claimed to only want to stay married because her husband earned a lot of money, yet she had begged my husband to leave me and run off with her, in many emails.

In her emails she said sex with her husband was boring and she craved the excitement of affair sex, but that she thought he was the one who could tame her. LOL.

My husband did drop the OW like a steaming pile of poop on Dday.

She however continued to try to re-engage him, many many times, using sexually provocative emails that he immediately showed me, and she also stalked me mercilessly, once she found out who I was and where we lived.

She seemed very threatened by the fact that I was a former model and still attractive although 20 years older than the OW. She was desperately hoping I was a hag. LOL.

In her emails to my husband, I saw that prior to stalking me, she had asked about me, almost obsessively and even hinted that I was likely overweight and ugly.

Finally, we had to get a restraining order.

She still continues to try to rekindle with him, now and then, although the stalking of me has stopped.

Susan WG said...

Shawn, I am so glad I found your blog. I am a little over 2 years post dday from discovering my husband of 33 years had been having sex with hookers and women from get f'd tonight dating sites for at least 7 years. Many times unprotected sex. I found pictures of him posted on one woman's site of him having sex with her while her husband took pictures...she was 70 years old and looked well-used to say the least. One of his favorites was a crack head who smoked before she crawled into bed with him. Another used to sit in his lap and spin lies about how she had been abused her whole life and all she wanted was for him to give her a baby. He used to take her grocery shopping and pay for her laundry and even bailed her out of jail when she called in the middle of the night...he was working in another city during the week and home on weekends at that time. He was spending thousands of dollars a month on hooker fees, gifts, hotels, restaurants, and porn memberships. He went through our savings and 401K. Addiction? Sounds like it but the first "date" was a choice. The addiction came way down the road. On his dating profile he said he was divorced and had no children...we have 4 daughters. THe denial of our children hurt worse than anything else. All the pictures he had posted were ones of the two of us together with me craftily cropped out. One of the pictures was the one I had on my desk at work. I guess what I want to say is that this pain is so unlike anything else I have ever experiienced. My son died in 1987 and I thought that was the worst pain I would ever have to deal with. It was and the memory of that day can still bring me to tears BUT there was a beginning and an end to that story. There was a reason for that pain and it can be explained, it doesn't make it hurt any less, but A happened so B must follow. My husband deciding that he wanted to know what it would feel like to have sex with someone else was a purely selfish thing with no reasoning behind it. I can't resolve the betrayal, gut wrenching pain, anger, and resentment it has caused not only to me but to our children and to both our families. His self-serving, childish behavior with over a hundred women has brought us to near finanical ruin, probably cost him a job although he won't admit it even though he was doing a lot of his hooker business on his office PC, and done untold harm to our children. Anyway, I'm going to begin at the beginning with your blog. I wish I had found you earlier so I could have seen the pictures...would be interesting to know where you are from and all the particulars about everyone.

shawn thewife said...

Hi, Susan WG: I wish I could reach out and give you a real hug! I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and the miserable choices of your WH. You don't say how your marriage is now. Are you in MC? Your WH needs IC for sure! He needs to understand why he lives such a dangerous lifestyle. IC would be very helpful for you, too. You have to be able to heal regardless of your WH's behavior.
Please check back in and let us know how you are now. 2 years post DDay might seem like plenty of time to heal, but sometimes it's just the beginning of the Road Back to Happy.
If this blog helps you, I am grateful, but I'll also be here for you in real time. You're not alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn,

How can I contact you via email? I so stuck and lost!

Deeply wounded

shawn thewife said...

Deeply Wounded: I am sorry but I can not remember if I ever responded to your request for my email!! I was going through other old comments and found yours this morning.
My email is shawnthewife@aol.com

Please forgive me if I missed your request. I would be happy to talk with you and help in any way I can.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn