After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Rough Night...for Me Anyway.

He left.  I went in to talk to the kids.  Told them not to worry.  Yea, right.  Told them I was sure Daddy and I would work this out, we just needed some space and a little time.  I was sure putting up a strong front.  In reality, my insides were melting.  Took the kids to Wendy's for a quick drive-through dinner.  My dinner came in liquid form.

I finally got into bed around 10:00.  Sleep would have been such a blessing, but I wasn't gonna get that lucky.  This is the part of day one that gets fuzzy.  Might be because I drank my dinner.  Don't remember who called who.  Did he call to check on us?  I hope so, but I think chances are, I called him.  He wanted to talk to the kids.  Not a chance.  I had them reasonably calm...considering.

Right after we talked about the kids, I lost it.  I mean full blown hysterical sobbing.  The kind where you can't catch a full breath and your nose is running like a faucet.  I think I told him he was killing me.  That's what it felt like.  If he held a gun to my head instead of telling me he had DEEP feelings for another woman (Girl.  I just can't call her a woman) it probably would have felt the same.  His words meant nothing.  I'm not even sure what he said to me.  Maybe there were words of reassurance, comfort. I couldn't hear him.  Didn't matter anyway.

The kicker....Jaymie was in bed with him the whole time.  He had called her as soon as he drove away from our home.  I didn't find that out until maybe a month later.  I had asked him point blank, "Did you see her that night?"  If you're dealing with a wayward spouse, remember that the lies don't just stop.  Lies are addictive and feel normal and necessary for the cheater.

Wanna know how he spent that first night?  Here's an email Jaymie wrote to him the following day, when he came home to us.  Lord, how I wish she could read this blog.  She had a huge part in all the pain.  She should own it.

Jaymie 

 to rich
show details Oct 13


I want you to know that I'm following through with that promise. I wrote down the most recent turn of events. I want you to have it. From my perspective for you to remember.

- Jaym



"I want your flowers like babies want God's love... baby... as sure as tomorrow will come." - Iron & Wine

And as quickly as it began and took on momentum and changes everything about our lives, it came to an abrupt and screeching halt. It was inevitable that we would be discovered. Because of the vast quantity of time we spent together and talking on the phone when we weren't together and thinking about each other when we weren't talking. Of course his wife would be suspicious. So she called the phone company for a copy of the phone bill. And it was as quick as that.

Yesterday, I got a call from Shawn in the morning. Why is your number on my phone bill so much? I said he was helping me with some personal problems. I used to work at the firm. That wasn't too bad. She said that was going to stop and she'd be talking with him about it. He went home early to hash it out.

About 5 pm and I'm driving to school I get his call. It went bad. He's driving to a hotel. He left and the kids were crying. I stayed in my class for the first hour. Then I left to go be with Richard. I felt calm. Strong. Like a friend. We met at Chili's and partook. Talked. Got the story out. How she had the phone bill stocked next to her when he arrived. How every time my number was recorded, she'd highlighted it. How she never said my name once. How he demanded he call me in her presence to say he couldn't see me again. And how he couldn't do that. So she told him to get out and how could he do this to his family? He told her he has deep feelings for me and needed to think it through. He needed to make that decision on his own terms. So she told him to get out. As he packed his small suitcase, she reminded him to take socks and underwear. 

As he left, the guilt came on. Just feeling like he fucked up. Turned intentions and let the situation get out of control. He called me because he was lower than low. I went to him because he needed my friendship. I said I'd be there for him. After we talked and got every every thing out, he looked so hansom. And I assured him that everything would be okay. Because whatever happened-- A. He stays with his wife and they work it out and they live with more openness, honesty, forgiveness and love than would have been possible before; or B. He tries to work it out with Shawn and they analyze, reflect, talk and decide that they don't want to be together but they will love their kids. Time goes by, healing occurs, and they can finally be free to find honest satisfaction. Or situation C. where he chooses to leave now and they still work together for their kids, time still continues, healing, etc. Any way we go, it will end up okay. He said I was better than he was and he couldn't be so unselfish. And he didn't know if he could manage to not be with me. He said that today, when I didn't anticipate meeting him, had no makeup on, wearing my sweatshirt, I looked more beautiful than he'd ever seen me. He asked me to stay with him and we walked over to his hotel. The Merriot. We walked around the back and had a cigarette, which I smoked down to the very nub. It tasted uniquely bitter and ashy and like fire. I asked him to taste it. To remember has it felt and tasted and looked as the paper rolled off until I snubbed it finally out. We went upstairs and took everything off. I hung up my articles of clothing one by one. Telling a small story of significance for each thing. Then I removed his clothing one item at a time and he told me each time that his clothes didn't have any special significance. We laughed. How good it felt to be there together. Laughing. Loving. Appreciating. Giving. I massaged his tired body. Had him take deep breaths. Felt the tension go away. Then he turned over and grabbed me and loved me. The instant he entered my body I knew he had lost all his burdens. For the very first time since we've been together, now he was the most himself, with nothing to hide, nothing left to lose. And he gave himself to me so completely. It was so wonderful. All at once we were the same. Our spirits touched and we both came together at the same time. Emotions broke free and I cried to him, asking him not to leave me. I cried as I clung to him. He was still inside me and I gripped him with every muscle as I pleaded for him not to leave me. To just chose me. He held onto me and said he would never leave me. He repeated it until I stopped crying. He said he loved me for saying so and he would not leave me ever. And it was that quick. And that simple. And I believed him.

Sleep came eventually for me. With his arms and legs around me. He was my pillow, my blanket, my comfort and my dream.

A while after, I woke up to his movements. He can't sleep. I moved down to put my head on his stomach. With my arms around him, I told him I had a trick for falling asleep. To close his eyes and picture how the room looks. Visualize the walls and the distance from here to each wall. Imagine where the tables and the lamps are. Remember the picture hanging above our heads. What color is it? How large is it? Think of the area of space in the room and try to conjure as much detail as possible. My head rose and fell as he took in deep breaths. He didn't say anything else and we both feel asleep.

The next time I awoke he was in the shower. I lay sill and drifted in and out of sleep. I saw the bathroom light appear and the water shut off. I saw his body walk past. In that instant, two things happened. First, I was filled with joy at the sight of him in the morning. Second, I saw his face was completely sad and I knew that he was torn. He came back over to the bed and dropped down next to me. He proceeded to tell me everything that I just saw in his face. He didn't want to hurt anyone and he felt sorry for putting his wife and me both through this. He didn't know if he could walk away from his marriage. He also admitted that while he was on the phone with Shawn that he told her things that contradicted what he'd said to me. He told her that he hopes they can work it out. And he wants to be with her. He just needed to buy some time. Then he brought his face close to mine and with all intensity told me to believe he loves me and he hopes he can be with me.

When he said these things to me... I felt like an idiot. For being there naked. For losing control and begging for him to chose me. Over the life he's built. Over his family. I told him so. And he closed his eyes and saw clearly how I felt. Saw the consequences of his actions. I left him hold me for a while. Then I told him to stay with his family. I sat up and wrapped a sheet around my whole body. He needs to work through this. Because I know he's not ready to leave. I wanted him to tell me now, but he couldn't. So I suggested we go downstairs and have some breakfast. There's not use talking about certain things on an empty stomach. 

We emerged into an unglamourous breakfast hall. Bright lights above. Floppy looking eggs. We decided the canister of oat meal looked the last threatening. Bitter tea. Bitter coffee. OK oat meal once you put on the brown sugar. We felt better. He looked across at me and his face was lost. I said nothing. Conflicting ideas ran together in my head. "Stay with me" collided with "go fix this with your wife". So I said nothing. I remembered everything that transpired to get us here at this table with pieces of someone else's cornflakes on it and I knew it was because of love. So all I did was smile. He smiled too and said we were both thinking :"love".

We walked down the hallway and stood by the door. He looked like a mess... and I loved him for it. He took me up in a hug and it made me feel sick. This is goodbye. He asked if I had anything to tell him and I said I could forgive him for not knowing what to do next. Specifically, for saying he'd stay with me without knowing if he could. I understand how we got here and how he feels not.

I left the hotel first. I saw the ashtray holding our cigarettes from the night before. I saw a heavy while sky holding us down. I got into my car and pulled into a gas station. I don't know what my face looked like as I walked inside. Walking back to my car, I saw the blue flash of his shirt and then he was standing in front of my car. I ran to him and hugged him and didn't feel sick. We stood together in silence for a while. Then he took my face and kissed me. Smiling and backing away, he looked to me like hope.  Then I saw a semi truck pulling around the corner so I told him to watch out. He came back to touch my arm and he laughed aloud, "The last time i saw him, he was flattened like a pancake." Then he disappeared. 

For a second time, I got into my car and began to drive. Sadness came up to me as I listened to one of the many songs I gave him. Derek and Emily sang: "I know things break down. If this falters, dear, I'll swim till I drown." And I had to call him to say I do love him. For a long time he said nothing. Then he sighed and said believe that he loves me. He said we must make a pact to be productive and not sit around waiting and hoping for each other. This I already know. Because we changed each other's lives for the better. Everything will be okay because we are better people for having done this. There had been an awakening. He's given me so much and I know what I've given him. We promised to stay open and emotional and honest and loving in our own lives, regardless of if we could be together. That's how I know it's okay. Life is beautiful because it is full of love and pain and forgiveness. It is fat better to embrace and feel these things genuinely than to be complacent and asleep. This may feel terrible, but the situation is far from hopeless. There is actually quite a bit of hope.

We left on that note.

53 comments:

shawn, the wife said...

Kind of surprised no one posted a comment about this page of my blog. Lots of people have viewed it. I find it to be the hardest to revisit. I think I've only read it one other time since I posted it.
I thought there would be a stronger reaction to Jaymie's words and Richards actions.
Or...maybe her words leave most of us decent folks speechless.

Cracker Scraps said...

I'm speachless. I couldn't read it all. Maybe that means I am decent.

Anonymous said...

Shawn,
I felt the same as one of the other posters with their comments. I got sick to my stomach reading the description of what they did in bed. I always read your blogs, I just don't know how to post them, so that no one will know its me, but you?

Songbird

Anonymous said...

I'll explain in an e-mail to you later who I am, as we are on another site together. Take care, Hugs and Love

Songbird

De said...

I wanted to post on this yesterday, but just couldn't find the words. She sounds a lot like the OW in my life. Her description of assigning meaning to each article of clothing, placing deep meaning to a cigarette butt? Really? Seriously? What a daffy little twit. "E" probably did and said similar stuff with my husband. She writes poetry and considers herself a bohemian/free spirit kinda girl. I'm glad she said she felt stupid, or like an idiot, in the morning when it was obvious to her that Richard was going home. My eyes almost bled when I read what he said to you on the phone, but then assured her he loved her and they would be together. My husband was doing similar things between me and "E." "I love you plese don't leave me" then still talking to her on his secret pay-as-you-go cell phone contemplating "what if." Just makes me crazy.

De said...

Oh!and I forgot this one till just this second! When my husband told "E" he was ending it with her, she e-mailed him "You gave me life, then you gave me hell. I was at a good place in my life, now I'm going to need therapy to get over it." Life and then hell huh? She told him he was weak for not leaving me and or son for her and that when you love someone you go be with that person. He gave her life and then hell. For crying out loud.

shawn, the wife said...

The FOG is all about fantansy land. Sometimes I call it La La Land. It's all based on lies so it can be whatever your WH wants it to be. There are no restrictions. Same fo the OW/BW. In some way they MUST know its all a game, make believe. If it were real at all, they wouldn't have to hide. If you're gonna live a complete lie, why not make it really hot and full of fairy tale passion?
Such a crock.
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

Anonymous said...

Hi... i read this post and it broke my heart. How could they? It hurts a lot... the OW said my H had spent the night with her on DD. He says its a lie. I still dont know the truth... but reading this post made me feel the exact same way i felt when that piece of woman told me she was very happy with him...while i was at home... feeling like a gigantic chainsaw cut me in two.

How do we manage to let go of all those memories... is there a chance to mend a heart so broken?

I admire you. Your strenght to blog about this... amazing and helpful. Thanks.

Zala.

shawn, the wife said...

(((Zala)))
I know your pain is deep, but I promise it is not unending. Your description of DDay, a gigantic chainsaw, is quite eloquent in a tragic sort of way.

Don't know when your DDay was, but healing takes years. I'm only 18 months post DDay. Until 4 months ago, I was wallowing in my agony.

The memories, images and sorrow may never disappear, but they will dissipate.

I hope your WH is helping you recover from his abhorrent betrayal.
Let us help you when you need support. By helping each other, we all begin to heal.
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

survivamama said...

OMG woman how is your heart still beating after reading that! I know this is a late comment, but I was so shocked reading her email that I just HAD to send you my thoughts. How can this not invade your mind every waking minute?
I just finished reading your entire blog. I spent the afternoon at it while my kids were at school...it felt like reading a tragic novel...I can relate only too well to the main character... unfortunately. My marriage is much "younger" than yours though and I think that changes things a bit...what I mean is that I think I'd rather this happen to me now and not in 20 years. In both our cases though the husbands were in love (at least in their opinions...and after all isn't that all that counts?...I have trouble with all this talk about affair fog because what we see as fog is their reality and we are forced to live with their reality...they could say that we're in a bs fog and not able to relate to the depth of their relationship).
I digress....
I'm sure my husband and the ow wrote similar things (I've seen one message but it was one he chose to show me so it was probably on the tame side) but thank god I don't have to live with those words in my head...I would have a lot of difficulty believing he wanted to be with me after seeing his love professed in written word. Do the words still haunt you? Or is he capable of reassuring you so totally that is was a mistake that you can live knowing what he once said to her? Does he say he has a soft spot for her still, or does he say he was crazy?

When reading your blog you can feel the healing coming off of your every word...it's almost like the sense of release you must feel after getting this out of you and into a public context is palpable. I hope to get some of that same release by writing my story. I feel like talking it through with my husband is only making things worse we've said everything there is to say...but I still feel hurt and insecure and yucky...so maybe blogging is a way to get that out. it seems to be the case for you, no?

You mention a website Healing heart or something. I clicked on the link and it doesn't work. Could it have changed...could you send me the link?
Thanks. Looking forward to your next post.

Anonymous said...

Dear God in Heaven--between the spelling mistakes, the grammar errors, the trite, overdone imagery, and the purplest prose I've read in a very long time, I have no idea how you managed to get all the way through this without throwing up in your mouth. What sort of melodramatic dumbass waxes poetic about cigarettes? This chick sounds like a WORLD CLASS MORON!

I'm sickened and appalled that your husband would do such a horrible thing to you. It's so unfair.

shawn, the wife said...

Survivamama: I will never ceased to be amazed that anyone reads my blog. If you relate to it, first...I'm sorry, second...it is my sincere hope others can learn from all I did wrong as I tried to repair my heart. (still a work in progress, BTW)
The blog does help me. Now, if my mind dwells on Richard with Jaymie, it is only in the context of what I'll write in my next post. It's like the pain seeps out of my body through my fingers as they type each letter.
The blog and the Healing Heart saved me. Sorry the link didn't work. Let's try again.
http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/
Try to copy & paste it instead. Well worth the effort. The people on this forum are beyond wonderful!
I am so lame at the workings of cyber space! Please forgive my lack of skills!
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

shawn, the wife said...

Anonymous: Jaymie is exactly that...a simple moron, so what does that make me? I gave her so much power by pulling her back into my marriage over and over again! I was pretty darn close to moronic.
Richard wrote much of the same drivel back to her. That still blows my mind. With her, he was someone I did not know at all. I still wonder if he wants to be that person here at home.
As far as FAIR goes...I always say "A fair is where they judge sheep." I don't use the word fair when referring to daily life.
Thanks for commenting. I smiled when I read your description of Jaymie's writing. Think Richard enjoyed all that stimulating conversation?
Hope & Hugs,
Shawn

Jules said...

Oh my word, does every man that has an affair with a much younger woman pick a moron with no morals? That letter could have been written by my husband's OW or my husband. They wrote such childish, stupid rubish, that I want to punch them both in the throat.

I hope you are finding healing, I know how hard it is to find yourself again. Everyday I struggle to find the person I was before DDay. I do know I am smarter than I was then. I don't believe the BS I once did.

shawn, the wife said...

Jules: Yes! They sure couldn't get any satifaction with an upstanding, intelligent, church-going girl! It's gotta be dip-shits with perky little boobs.
The drivel they wrote to each other still boggles my brain. Jaymie was very young and not at all bright. She loved that soupy crappolla, but what is weird is...I think Richard ate it up with a SPOON, too! He told me it made him feel like he was in high school again. Yuck.
Working on finding the elusive road to happy everyday. If you find the map before me, please share!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Wendy said...

The OW is delusional. Just as they all are. She writes as tho this is some kind of fairy tale romance shes in, when in fact its the exact opposite.
You are a strong one, and I am working my way thru the rest of your site to read it all!
Wendy

shawn, the wife said...

It was so easy for Richard to play Jaymie, but the whole truth is he was buying the load of crap he was selling. Today, he says he never really loved her...not in the adult sense. But he sure was obsessed with her. She was like his own little slutty fountain of youth. That is a very strong attraction. Not to mention that he felt like he was "taking care" of her. His words. Made him feel VERY important.
Glad you're here. Thanks for joining us.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

StrongerMe said...

I think I'm going to be sick...

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through healing heart. I don't post there and was not going to post here but after reading this I had to. First, we both live in the same area, and I feel like I relate to you in some way. I guess it's nice not to feel so alone.

I am in a unique situation. Almost 20 years ago, in my first marriage, I cheated on my husband with a man who was living with his fiancé. So I was the wayward, and the ow. Now, karma has found me. I have been married for 13 years and my h has cheated on me. So now I'm the bw. I know all three sides. From the betrayer standpoint, I was young and felt I had married the wrong man. I was convinced the new man was my soulmate. I remember the day the fog lifted for a few hours. I had been in my own apt for a little over a month and the om had decided to leave his fiancé and be with me. We spent an incredible night together. He left in the morning and said he'd be back in a few hours. I was outside taking out some trash when he pulled up. For a split second, I was excited: our relationship is finally out in the open! After that split second I was confused and not so excited, for the exact same reason. When I looked at his face, I knew he felt it, too. He ended up going back to her and marrying her. I got divorced and moved out west, to flee everything.

Not to make excuses but I was really young and made a lot of stupid selfish mistakes based on my FEELINGS. I was sure I married the wrong man because how could I feel this way about another man if the first one wasn't a mistake? Part of it was nativity but I realized after most of it was the fog. I knew that day on the sidewalk the relationship was doomed. But before then I didn't care about my h and I didn't care about his fiancé. I just wanted what I wanted. I was extremely selfish but over time extremely remorseful and guilty and eventually learned to forgive myself. When I moved, I never saw or contact the guy again, and I could care less about him.

I found the man of my dreams when I moved west. We married and had two boys. Everyone from strangers to family members remarked often what an adorable, inspiring , perfect couple we were. So three months ago when I found Facebook messages from my h to a woman he had been on and off friends with for many years basically spelling out an affair, I was in complete and utter shock. We are together still but I am a mess. I now fully understand what I did to my first h. And I needed to forgive myself all over again. I almost feel like I deserve this pain. Too soon to tell if we will make it. I vacillate between thinking we will be good to looking for divorce lawyers.

I understand Richards confused feelings. But I also jumped ahead in your blog and I do see a remorseful, mortified man who had a huge lapse in judgement who loves his wife and wants to make things better. No man would be led around crazy town if this was not the case, Shawn. I could forgive my h if he would swallow all pride and act like Richard. Right now, it's all words.

I understand Jaymi to some extent. Although I had an affair with an engaged man and I myself was married, my moral compass doesn't make it over to fooling around with a married man with kids. And it would never be with someone my dads age. I guess judging her like this makes me feel better about myself. When you are the ow, you want and do believe everything your ap says.

Anyway, the bottom line is the saying actions speak louder than words is EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! When you are the ow, the actions are sex and time together. But that is not what matters. Now, as the bw, Shawn, the fact that Richard came back, in counseling, led around crazy town and still with you, working on things are what matters. I'm so happy for you, and I wish all others peace and happiness at the end of this ugly road.

PS as far as Jaymi spelling out the blow by blow, barf. I bet if Richard read that today, he would barf too, and wonder how he could've been "that man."

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Don't be afraid to post on the Healing Heart. The members of that support forum can be better for you than most therapists!

So karma came around to bite you in the ass, huh? Many readers here will be thrilled to know what goes around comes around.
That said...I am sincerely sorry you are on the shitty end of the affair stick this time. No matter what you did in the past, you do NOT deserve this pain. As you probably know from your past marriage, this kind of trauma takes a long time to process.
Three months is not near enough time to be able to determine how this will play out. You gotta allow a minimum of 6 months before you make any drastic decisions. Are you saying your WH isn't showing remorse? All talk and no action? If so, you need to try and be very clear about what you need to be able to heal. Set some boundaries that will help you feel safe in your marriage.
I hope you're in MC & IC, if not, please utilize one of the forums listed on my homepage. You need support. Going through this alone would be brutal.

I don't wanna barf anymore when I read the drivel Jaymie & Richard wrote to each other, sometimes I swallow hard, but I don't hurl. That's progress!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Hi, Stronger Me: So sorry!! That ridiculous email makes most people severely nauseous. Try a little ginger-ale. That usually helps.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Yep Shawn, Karma did indeed come back around. Again, I'm not making excuses for what I did. I knew my marriage was over. Did that excuse my infidelity? Not in the least. But we were in our mid 20's! No kids. Both of us moved on to happy marriages with kids. The man who was living with his fiance? He actually went on to marry that woman and have kids with her. Had he already been married, with or without children, I would've NEVER even thought to be with him. I never contacted her. I never wrote him sappy crazy letters begging him to be with me. In fact, toward the end, I told him to leave me alone. We tried to be friends, it is not possible. There was too much intimacy shared to go backwards. I can tell you first hand it is impossible and not healthy to try to keep the AP in your life. I hope someone who needs to hear that reads this. Had I been a crazed, aggressive ow, there would've been so many other issues. But I realized probably before him that the relationship did not and would not survive normalcy. We thrived on sneaking off on our lunch hours to make out in the park or the car. Once we could actually hold hands in public, it lost its passion and wings. I knew it way before he did. I think he would've kept on sneaking around if I allowed it.

The thing is, how do you get someone not to cheat in the first place. In all I've read, there is this theory that if the marriage is happy, it won't happen. I don't believe that. Another fact I an attest firsthand to. I had the "perfect" marriage. In fact, just today, we went to lunch with a friend of his who is divorced and hasn't found anyone special since. He said, you guys make it look so easy. You have the relationship others wish they could have. My wine almost came out of my nose. So much for a great relationship will prevent any infidelity. BULLSHIT!

I have a close friend who happens to be a PsyD and specializes in marriage. She says, there have been studies. And there are actually 5-6 people in your life where the connection is undeniable. The chemistry is incredible. When you meet someone like this as a single person, it's special. You should and probably do date them. You may even marry them. If you are married and you meet one, you should run in the other direction. Unfortunately, the majority do not do this. They get confused. They play and dabble. They think, I'm married, nothing will happen. Or they think, maybe I married the wrong person. In reality they should end any contact. It should be this way even if you meet someone you have even the slightest connection with, let alone strong chemistry. It's freaking called setting boundaries.

This is my h's biggest issue. He sets no boundaries. He convinces himself he doesn't need to, because right up until the trigger is pulled it is not cheating. This is an extremely dangerous game. Sadly, too many people play it.

I'm not sure what will happen with my situation. Some days I feel hopeful. Then I'm mentally splitting furniture and tabulating money. I see this is normal at this stage of the game. I would like very much for it to work. But only if my h understands what he did wrong, and why he did it. Right now he does not. So we shall see.

But thank you for posting and blogging and all your kind and positive words. You should feel good about how many women (and men) you have helped, letting us know we are not crazy! And after reading your story and seeing you and Richard forging ahead, even if it's not quite evolved yet, you show us all there is HOPE. I need that desperately right now.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I don't know what you've been reading, but you should stop. If the marriage is happy there would be no affair?? What?? I'm sure glad you don't buy into that crappolla! Nobody has a perfect marriage. Mine was happy, at least, I was happy. Richard didn't bother to tell me he wasn't quite as happy. Waywards cheat for lots of very selfish reasons. It has nothing to do with the betrayed. Even if the marriage was lousy, like maybe your first one was, the solution is to communicate the issues with your spouse, not venture into the world of adultery.
Your WH needs a reality check up-side his head and you need to give it to him. Does he know what you expect? Does he know what you need? Does he know you want to save your marriage but his actions make you want to take half the furniture and run??
Don't give up yet. It's too soon after DDay for that. With MC, your WH may come around.
If not, you mentioned you live near me...I can give you Richard's office number. He is a bad-ass divorce attorney!
BTW..that's a joke! It's can work! Your marriage can be better than before! It just takes time!
Only positive thoughts over here!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn,

Came across your post and in the process of reading it. thanks for blogging and sharing.

You mentioned your OW was 24. My OW is also 24, and felt like she wrote that message. I feel like they must be friends or something. I found an email that she wrote to my husband about how they were kissing while my 3 year old was in the back seat sleeping. How they have a love like in the movies. and she goes on and on...Her messages leave me completely mystified.

My DDay was a little over a month ago. Its been really hard and very distracting as I am caring for a newborn that is also a month old.

Im mostly bothered that he still wants to be friends with her and be her support. I told hime that I am not alright with that, but I pretty certain that he is still talking with her.

Will check out the website that you are referring to. Thanks again for sharing.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I can't imagine how hard it must be dealing with a cheating husband while caring for a newborn. You call it "distracting". That has got to be the BIGGEST understatement since Noah said, "Its gonna rain!"
I'm so sorry you are in this awful place, but I'm glad you found us and I hope you visit The Healing Heart. The link is at the bottom of my blog.
Don't know how many of the emails from your WH to the OW you've seen, but it doesn't matter. It's all effed up FOG fodder! Cheaters say whatever they think the OW wants to hear to get the skank to take off her clothes! It's pathetic!
And...your WH is still in the deep FOG of infidelity if he thinks he can be friends with OW!!
What??? PLEEZE! He must be delusional!
Repeat after me...NO CONTACT! Period! That should be a deal breaker. He should be doing anything you need right now to help you heal. If you can, get yourself into IC and if your WH will, into MC. That is so important.
This is a very tough road, but you will not be alone. We got your back.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn
It's me again from the previous comment. I read thru more of your blogs and comments and amazed how similar things are and how similar other people's comments are to my situation. I think I made it up to April or so and skimmed thru other months.

I saw your response to someone about them going to confront the OW and your caution against it. I completely agree. I too confronted her. Not to your extent by any comparison. Sent her an email basically not raging at her but raging at him. What an awful person and father he has been. How disgusted I am that they brought my three year old on their dates and in the affair. But despite everything that has happened I have realized that I love him so much that I am willing to try to work on our marriage. she sent me a nasty response back. Saying she wouldn't harm my son. (Even tho I never accused her of doing that) and why did it take an affair for me to realize my love for him. (Which I don't think I ever told her that I stopped loving him. My point being that I could even consider taking a man back after what he has put me thru) plus a lot of other details I could have done without knowing. And relationship and parenting advice. ( parenting advice from an A 24 year old ) it took a lot of restraint not to comment back to her email. I didn't because I'm not interested in having any sort of relationship with her. And I don't really care what she thinks. Conversing with her didn't really help me. It did make me realize what type of person she is. The fact that she has the audacity to say to me 9 months pregnant. "He will never love you the way he loves me. And if he does its only because you learned to be like me. You are only good for having his babies. Sorry for the harsh truth but that's just the way I see it". My H mother found out and called me. told me i should blast her on FB or tell her commanding officer about the affair. my response was to put it out in front of all of our family and friends (btw i know this girl and we have close mutual friends) wouldnt make me feel better. and i could really care less how sucessesful or u sucessfull she is in her army career. i dont need to be the one to end things for her. whatever bad or good things happen to her is between her and God. not for me to determine. i found some subsequent communications after DDay which left me infuriated. I did see messages that he sent to her saying he can't talk to her anymore. But she's pretty determined. I'm guessing he must have had an unpleasant conversation with her because she sent me another message saying that she's going to step back to ease the tension between us and that she is just going to be FRIENDS!!!! So I wrote her back and said that is not what I had communicated to my H. I told him if he wants to be friends or lovers whatever he needs to leave. This is my home and I derserve to be respected and not have to live with you in the background. I know I do have to follow thru on my boundaries but I'm just not in the greatest place right now and just need to focus on myself. I haven't done the IC or MC yet. I just don't feel like I'm strong enough to do that. Right now all I want to do is exercise and be with my family. My kids and as pathetic as it sounds my H. But I know I do have to face that boundary.

Anonymous said...

(Continuing)
I know of three families last year who lost their kid last year. And I think of their pain and loss and realized that I feel fortunate to go thru this pain over that. I had a really bad pregnancy and prayed for healthy children. I won't complain to Him about these little hiccups in life as long as we are all healthy. Lets just say that a fireman ended up having to deliver my baby in my bedroom. i was home alone when it was all happening. how easily her life could have been taken from me, but it wasn't. Since I am on maternity leave I sit at home by myself often and cry often. But then I look at my baby girl and I'm just filled with so much love and generosity. How blessed I am. I try to refocus the images that she has planted in my head of them with the moment of complete silence when my baby was delivered. How the bedroom went completely silent and a few seconds later a newborn cry. And how I held her for the next hour as they loaded us up into the ambulance.

I read comment about the OW and how they have low self esteem, ect. I don't know this girl is pretty confident in herself and their love. If I had her body type I wouldn't be sending anyone naked pictures of myself or wear the clothes that she wears. I don't know maybe its a generation gap thing. I'm sure it goes thru the heads of many of us betrayed. You want that type of girl? That's the girl that you "love" how can you love me because we are polar opposites. But I guess it's like what you describe as the fog. Whatever it may be it needs to be him that decides to stay in the fog or not. Unfortunately, I agree with your previous comment that he is still in the fog. I just need to work and focus on myself right now. But I am getting there slowly....

I went to church last Sunday. And there was so much that resonated from the message and your blogs. The pastor likened us to a pot with soil that is filled with anger and hatred and a wilted tree. That with the proper care that tree can thrive and does not necessarily have to be repotted with new soil. And that thriving does not happen over night it takes time. That in order for families to thrive they need HOPE. And hope will always ask us if we want to be made well. When people say "they have no one" that's hopelessness taking over. Because God never leaves us with no one. I look at all the responses that you have gotten from people and think that it is great how you respond to every comment. He went on in his message and said that struggle brings on preservance which brings on character. It's great to read your growth over the year and it gives me hope. Thank You....

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I'm very glad you understand that the OW is not worth your time. The only reason you may want to alert her commanding officer about the affair is if she won't stay away from your WH. And..then, it should be your WH that tells. As long as there is absolutely NO CONTACT with her or anyone associated with her, let her go. You may think she is a strong woman, but she clearly has huge issues if she allows herself to be used by a married man.
About MC & IC..when you feel the weakest is when you need it the most. Please look into finding some support.
You can come out of this stronger and happier in your marriage, but for now, until your WH gets on board, you are right to focus on you and your children. You can only control how you react to his behavior. We can never control the choices of our cheating husbands.
One more thing...looking to your WH for comfort is normal. He is the one that you have depended on for years to be your guardian, your protector, your friend. It's impossible for that connection to evaporate over night, but you need clear boundaries. He isn't helping you if he continues contact with OW or her friends and family.
We'll be here. Please let us know how you're doing and check out the Healing Heart!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

These people have no stable thoughts no firm foundation and they usually live their lives based on the hype and lure of music videos, song lyrics, video games and movies. Living out someone else's life or fantasy; fake. I think it is plain and simple temptation. It is easiest for a man to fall because of the thrill and sexual stimulation, women more for filling a void or emotional support. I am so sorry for the pain all of you have been through. Broken trust, broken hearts are hard to mend. There are so many temptations and men's heart shall fail them. I think finding inner strength to survive and letting God take the wheel is the road to healing.

Jennifer said...

Wow jaymie was pretty smart for her age. I was confused at first not thinking a young girl in her 20's wrote this, but wow that was good. Very mature and bright. Not the young dumb twit I pictured.

shawn thewife said...

Hey, Jennifer: Don't let this email fool you. She is a twit. I mean, I think it's mostly immaturity, but you gotta admit, her choices sucked hard. You don't decide sleeping with a married man 35 years your senior is a good plan unless you're not the brightest bulb in the box.
Much of her poor decisions stemmed from being needy. A friend of Jaymie's told me she was WAY screwed up in high school, even started cutting herself. Not sure why she had such low self esteem, but it sure made her easy pickings for Richard.

The email did have some creative flair. I'll give her that. I'm sure she'd be thrilled to know you appreciate her sappy, smutty good bye rhetoric.
But...as far as smart goes... "Merriot"?? REALLY?? Has she never stayed in a hotel before? It's a Marriott you backward bi-otch!
Whatever.
Sorry, Jennifer. It's just that making fun of Jaymie is so easy. Shootin' fish in a barrel.
Thanks for commenting.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Jeez shawn after reading all this your anger is yet directed at Jaymie n not at Richard?forget whatever jaymie felt about the clothing or her emotions about the whole thing, Shawn look at the facts.Richard used her when he left you, made love to her ,promised never to leave her and then comes back to you?

Jaymie is a twit , yes , but she has an excuse for being one..her age.what is Richards excuse?

He is a user of women, whoever is available and whoever can assuage his pain at the moment, will do.

Jaymie has the morals of an alley cat and is a moron but she is in a better place today because Richard left her.and she isn't dumb, no sir , not at all.

She made no effort to cling to him, she just walked away from the entire drama.

And you are stuck with Richard,who will always remind you of all the lies and deceit and betrayal and jaymie, always.

Whereas jaymie is free from the whole dram a and both of you.

So whose life looks better?

Shawn I really feel for the pain you are going thru,and admire your courage in facing things head-on but I just wish it was otherwise.

Jaymie got away Scot free, Richard got his family back but it's you who is carrying all the baggage for no fault of your own.

You should have gift wrapped Richard and delivered him at jaymies doorstep.that would have been the best revenge you could have ever had.Imagine at 20 being saddled with a 60 year old man.

Here as I see it, she chalked it down as a growing up experience , very humbly let him go back to his family.

What she did was washed her hands off a 60 year old man.She can now go live a life with a young man.

She never thought Richard was a prize catch.

Its unfair , totally so and it sucks.
She is left with no reminder of the entire sordid saga whereas you are saddled with all this.

Huggsssss.

Hope you post this.it's just that I get mad when I see OWs walk away with no consequences into a new life when we wives are left behind with the whole baggage and the cheater to boot

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Why wouldn't I post your comment? All opinions are welcome, even ones that are somewhat off base. You are mistaken about a great deal in your comment. I'll try to cover it all.
First:
My anger WAS directed at Jaymie for the first year after DDay. It's why I started this blog. I didn't know how to start healing. I was too scared to deal with how angry I was at Richard. Transference was my way of avoiding the REAL issue, the hard work that was needed to save my marriage.
For over a year now, even though I thoroughly enjoy calling Jaymie names, generally disparaging her and holding on to my view that she is a dipstick of a human being...do I really hate her? Yeah...but not with effort and zeal like before. It requires no effort. Doesn't put me out in the least. I know the real blame lies directly with my lying, cheating bastard of a husband. BUT...I'm not STUCK with him. I CHOSE to stay in this marriage. He worked hard to earn that opportunity to keep us together. It's been the hardest thing I've ever done. But, nothing worthwhile is easy.
You are right that Jaymie bowed out, but she really didn't have much choice. Richard dropped her like the bad habit she was. Still..I gave them the chance to be together. I practically forced them to be together so I could get rid of Richard. She did have a brief moment of maturity and declined the offer even though she claimed to have an undeniable love with Richard. (Gag!) so...we'll give her credit for admitting her mistakes in that regard. She was really loving the payday that was my husband. It had to be tough to let that cash cow go.
AND...the part you got REALLY wrong is that she got off unscathed! Holy Crap! Have you read any part of what I did to her?? If you don't think she got raked over the coals...keep reading. I didn't let the little whore off the hook for a year.
I truly regret wasting all that energy on revenge. She was SOOOOO not worth it!

Last...Please know I don't lay the blame at Jaymie's feet any longer. I lay that load directly on Richard and his abysmal behavior. Abhorrent! But, the important part is, Richard blames only himself. Not me, not Jaymie...himself. He recognizes his awful mistakes and knows if he ever chooses to cheat again, our life together is over.

Whew....did I cover it all?? Remember...betrayed wives may carry baggage from the affair forever, but the weight of the bags gets a little lighter everyday.
I hope your baggage is ultra-light!
Thanks for commenting.
Hope, Hugs, and Happy Easter!
Shawn

Anonymous said...

Dear Shawn, I just found your blog, I can't quite remember how. I just search constantly for anything about affairs. Six months ago I found out my husband of 47 years, yes you heard right 47 years had an emotional and physical affair with a woman 20 years younger that he met online. Thanks to his computer I read a lot of the romantic disgusting crap that he told his whore. Things he never said to me in all the years we were married. I am on a roller coaster of emotions , I made him leave for awhile but he said he was going to kill himself over what he has done, I just don't understand he now seems truly remorseful, but he has told me that if I had not caught him he would have stayed with her probably as long as she would have him. He is now back in our home for several months, but I never know from one day to the next if I can go on. I truly felt and thought about suicide in the days and weeks following D- Day, I still wonder why not. I think the only things that keep me going thru this hell are our 3 grown children and our 3 grandchildren. Even if I take him back our marriage will never be the same and neither will my feelings for him.
I like you feed on the hatred I feel for him and her, but I still love him and before this whore came into our lives he was a good man and father. I am so confused, my children don't want to talk about it, especially our daughter.
He has gone to counseling, but I don't trust anyone except someone who has gone thru this.
Will this pain ever stop, I have lost over 30 lbs. I weigh a little over a 100 lbs., I can't eat, I can't sleep except with sleeping pills and I now take anti-depressants. I think this is worse for me because we have been married for so long, I guess this just proves no matter how old they are they can't keep it in their pants. If only men had a brain life would be so much easier for women.
I am so sorry for your pain and everyone who is going thru this. Thank you for letting me vent, any words of advice would be appreciated. broken joan

Anonymous said...

Shawn:

What an excellent well-reasoned response to anonymous's post.

She sounds like one of Chump lady's crew. They ban and attack people who think reconciliations are possible.

You are right, too. Nothing worthwhile is easy. Marriage takes work.

Not every marriage should be discarded for one indiscretion. Some can be saved.

Some betrayed wives have told me they feel their husband now treats them waaaaay better than in the past. They feel he is actually now the husband he should have always been.

They were happy prior to the affair, but that's because they were too easy to please, pre-affair.

Now they feel free to make demands and the contrite husband willingly complies.

That sounds like a good deal to me, despite the battle scars required to get their.

Tanya said...

I'm so sorry you've gone through all this, and also so surprised at how similar tales of infidelity tend to me. My husband recently had an affair with an older woman while I stayed at home grappling with a cancer diagnosis, a newborn, and two other young children. He chose to leave me so he could carry on with her, but has since returned. I have no idea whether I will ever be able to accept him again. I find his behaviour repugnant, and am still very much in the how-could-he phase of dealing with his betrayal. Although the age dynamic is switched, the lies, the nausea-inducing correspondence, and heartbreak are disturbingly familiar.

shawn thewife said...

(((Broken Joan))) I can feel your anguish! I know that pain so well. I can only offer you hope here and perhaps that will bring you some relief and a small amount of comfort.
6 months is still so close to the day your world turned upside down. You should not expect too much from yourself just yet. We all have different time frames on our Road to Happy. You have suffered a great wound. Wounds need lots of time to heal. They leave scars, but the pain subsides. Your pain will ease, too. It just takes a very long time.
None of us can help you decide if you will find your Road to Happy with or without your cheating spouse. You will have to make that choice based on his remorse and actions since DDay. If he does all you need to move forward, then you can come out of the abyss with a stronger, happier marriage. At 6 months out, I'd have never believed that to be true. But now...I know it's possible.
You should not travel the Road alone. Please consider IC and visit the Healing Heart message online boards. The link is at the bottom of my blog. The compassionate people there saved me when I thought I'd never recover a year after DDay.

For now...that's my best advice. You need support. You found us. Reach out again. You are not alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Who is this Chump Lady? Is she a blogger? Did she dump her cheating husband? If so...it that works for her...bravo.
BUT...if she bullies others with different points of view without offering rational challenges to their perspectives....She and I may have to have words! LOL!
I have found that most bloggers have VERY strong opinions and they like to hear themselves talk. I have been accused of the same. What I object to is bloggers that don't welcome all ideas and contributions. Cyberspace is vast and by shutting out ideas, you weaken your position....in my opinion.

Every betrayed spouse has a unique story, specific to their life experience. None are wrong if the path works for them and puts them back on their Road to Happy. However, I don't think the picture of a "contrite husband" with a demanding wife will keep anyone on the Road to Happy for long. Sure...I worked my rage for over a year and Richard complied with all my ultimatums, but that kind of life is no way to live.
I want a marriage, a partnership a loving team. That's where my Road to Happy lies.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Welcome, Tanya:
I am also very sorry for your pain. No one deserves to be treated with such cruelty, especially by those that profess to love us.
You don't mention how long it has been since your DDay, so I will offer this....the general thought is don't make any big decisions for at least 6 months after DDay. You need time to absorb the initial blow and to stabilize your emotions. I say don't make any big decision for a year! I was a mess for a year!
While you work to process the pain, remember this...if your wayward husband is remorseful, truly regretful of his atrocious behavior and he is willing to do all you need to help you heal, then your marriage can survive this. It can become stronger and happier than before.
Don't try to deal with all of this alone. You have so much trauma with your health issues, small children and infidelity...PLEASE find IC. If your WH is willing,MC is crucial, too.
Bookmark this blog! We'll be here for you. Don't struggle alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn:

To answer your question. Chump lady is a blogger that insists each and every cheater will cheat again.

I found her on one of the blogs, (forget which one) listed on your blog role, while perusing your helpful, heartfelt site.

The blog, I recently learned was removed from that blogger's blog role because it was upsetting her readers in reconciliation.

While following that link to chump lady's site, I read comments that were intelligently phrased supporting reconciliation, yet those posters were attacked by Chumplady as well as her readers, or eventually removed (the post was there in the a.m. and gone by the p.m.)

Soon the poster would never been seen on the blog comments again.

I am glad you didn't delete or block the post written to you that was very un-supportive of reconciliations after an affair.

I think both sides need to be heard for loyal spouses to heal and someone who has been cheated on is understandably bitter sometimes. So, maybe they come to your blog to vent.

Four years after my spouse's affair, my marriage is truly better than it was prior.

I am an intelligent realistic person and I don't think I am misreading the cues this time.

Also, I have educated myself about the signs of an affair. There are none, now. In retrospect there were plenty of cues, but I was uneducated about affairs at the time.

Four years into a real reconciliation, I am battle scarred and weary, but happy.

My spouse claims he truly was not himself when he was having his affair.

The fact is, even I noticed that he really WASN'T himself at that time. He was having an affair. I noticed, but ever the understanding wife, I naively attributed it to stress.

He now is remorseful, but more importantly his actions meet his words.

Typical of a person who has a one-time affair, who needs to rationalize their affair, due to the cognitive dissonance it caused, my spouse said a lot of hurtful things on dday.

I also read love letters written by them to each other. It hurt deeply.

He now apologizes for those words frequently, particularly when I am triggered.

He also apologizes for the words he wrote her, saying he was trying to create a rapport, and be charming.

He says it was all a part of the fantasy and the words spoken did not represent authentic feelings.

The pain is still there, for me, but it is no longer the constant dull ache it was six months out, nor the raging unbearable pain it was on dday.

It is the type of pain that surfaces occasionally, like an arthritic knee that acts up when a storm is on it's way.

Thankfully however, these days, it passes quickly, with my spouses help and support.

I belong to a support group and many of the betrayed men and women there, now in reconciliation, discuss the ways in which the marriage has improved post affair.

They collectively note that the disloyal spouse treats the loyal spouse much better now than prior to or during the affair.

The common theme is that the disloyal spouse is less selfish and MORE selfless, in the relationship.

Things really have improved for me as well as others I have spoken to.

During one of our support group discussions, we all joked about how perhaps we should call the affair partner and thank them.

Weird sounding, I know, but sometimes, when my spouse is being extremely loving and attentive, in a way he never was prior to his affair, even though I may have been triggered by something and acting whacky, I do think that, yep, maybe I should write the affair partner and thank her for being the catalyst that set my marriage on a much better course.

I was always the understanding, practical wife, who put my husband's needs first.

I still do that, as any loving couple should, but only SOMETIMES, and if I find it palatable.

Now, I am much more likely to express my own needs.

Prior to his affair, his needs ALWAYS came first.

Now, I feel as if my husband finally really listens to me and actually hears my point of view.

Still Loving him said...

I just found your blog. I had a very hard time reading what the OW wrote, my heart was pounding in my chest. The only thing I could think was, I hope to God that my husband was not like that with his AP.

I could not imagine finding something like that, reading it and being able to live with it. My husband was unfaithful for 7 years, 6 of those with one woman, he mixed other women in as well, 13 total 9 he had actual sex with.

Somedays I just don't know how to live in this hell.

I have a wordpress blog at http://mybelovedismine1.wordpress.com/

shawn thewife said...

Still Loving Him: The emails were the worst. And to think I worked so damn hard to get more of that drivel from Jaymie!!
Your WH was a busy boy! Richard had other women, too. He confessed to 3 others besides Jaymie during the last 30 years. I had no idea about any of them until I caught him with Jaymie. I still don't know if I believe there were only 3 others. He says there are no more.
Hell..there could be a lot more, but I don't care. I don't wanna know. Once I decided to stay in my marriage and try to move forward with Richard, I had to focus on today...NOW. Kind of a ...what have you done TO me lately?? What he does TO me now is treat me with great respect, kindness and love.
It boggles the mind that a marriage can be better after such heartbreak, but I can vouch for the possibilities.
I'll check out your blog and learn a bit more about your story. If you have decided to keep your cheating husband around, I hope he is working hard to help you heal.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Trish said...

I think I hate Jaymie almost as much as I hate the trashy whore my husband slept with...reading this broke my heart. :-( Does Richard have even the vaguest idea of how lucky he is to have you, and that you stayed with him? I hope he never takes you for granted...

shawn thewife said...

Trish: Do yourself a favor...let go of the hate for the OW. It took me a long time to learn that hate takes a whole lot of energy. The OW ain't worth it. When you waste even a thought on her it gives her power. She takes more from you. Focus your energy on your WH.
Love and hate are pretty tight...spread it around his way! Don't give her another fucking thing.

I'll ask Richard if he thinks he's lucky that I stayed. I'll get back to you!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Susan WG said...

This entry took my breath away. It amazes me how similar all the cheating stories are...my a-hole husband reviewed the 70 year old he f'ed on her web site and said she was "one hot lady". Her boobs looked like empty tube socks hanging down to her belly button! I look at myself in the mirror and try to figure out why he chose to spend a weekend with her and am still at a loss over that one.

Anonymous said...

Dear Shawn the wife:

Such an important post. I am glad I found your blog. I have not yet read all the comments, and may or may not. But I just have to get this off my chest-so sorry. I do not believe your husband has only had Jaymie. NO 60 year old has the guts to just happen to fixate on a 24 year old and work her and go for it and continue it without a lot of prior practice. A lot.

I think you mentioned there were 2 others. I think you are correct if you question that there were more. Again - it's just par for the course. You found out when he was 60. That is a lot of year to cheat.

I'm so glad you went after Jaymie - because it hurt your husband, not because it hurt Jaymie. She was too stupid and young to really know she was doing something totally and completely wrong. In her mind, hey, "He wants me, he loves me, he buys me things and pays for all sorts of stuff. I'm sexy and young, of course he wants me. He has money. We are meant for each other." Now, if she were 35, she would be more in the right mind - but really, at 24, and especially in these times - 24 year old minds, even women, are like 15 years ago. Totally immaturity and unable to fully understand their own minds or actions.

But thank you so much for these blogs. It's just amazing and I'm grateful to have found it.

My husband did not have an affair or 3 or 10. He was not an affair addict. He was simply immoral and selfish. He eff'd sex workers. He loves their skinny bodies and pretty faces. Yes, I'm still around too - what a loser of me, but try to tell my little 3 year old that.......ugggh.

So women stay - what can we do? Do like the other stronger women who leave with their children and break up a family and watch as their children suffer from all sorts of issues that they probably wouldn't if the family stayed together? What about protection? What about girl friends? What about boy friends? These children from broken homes are introduced to so much turmoil that parents bring them - simply so the Betrayed Spouse can save face. I know, it's hard for me. I want to save face everyday. And then my baby asks, "where's Daddy?"

the g

lastdance said...

you do not have to stay---why do you want to be a prisoner in his jail----he is only going to do it again---your child will be fine without the cheater---actually better off without him---he is not a good role model and you know kids learn from their parents---why do you want your own child to learn how to be a liar and a cheater---that is what your child get from hanging around daddy the cheater----find a better role model to raise your kid

shawn thewife said...

lastdance: Oh, so cynical!! I have a tendency to lean that way, too, but in this instance...you got it wrong, Chica.

Not all wayward spouses should be tossed out the door. Some, like Richard, work very hard to make amends for their grievous errors. I am so glad I chose to give Richard a chance to prove himself worthy of our family. our life is happier than I thought possible today and I am grateful. I'll never trust blindly again, but we are better for it.

So....lighten up. Read the rest of the blog and know that sometimes there are happy endings.
I don't buy the "Once a cheater Always a cheater" crappolla. I do buy into "Good men sometimes do truly awful things". Those are the cheaters that do the hard work to keep their families together.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

lastdance said...

I should say that yes I have read the blogs,many of them and I have not seen any happy endings----the wife is always in an EMOTIONALLY JAIL SENTENCE----that to me is not being happy---I think all of you ladies are awesome -----staying and fighting for what you believe in------but to me there is no recovery from betrayal----to me it looks like "EMOTIONAL SLAVERY"----love and warm days to all of tou awesome ladies

Jessica said...

Wow I like that...emotional slavery & emotional jail sentence. That's a good way to put it. And no I'm not a part of the chump lady crew. I am someone who simply agrees that if you choose to stay you are doing it out of control, co-dependency, low self esteem aka "the kids". The fact that Richard confessed to 3 others really threw me for a loop as this is the first time I read that fact. There is a reason why the saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" is so popular. BUT THREE EFFIN TIMES? Are you sure you want to claim Jaymie is the moron who isn't the brightest bulb in the box?

shawn thewife said...

Lastdance & Jessica: I am not serving an emotional jail sentence. I was for a very long time, but I set myself free by letting go of my hate for Jaymie. (well, I still kind of hate her, but really, she's more like a popcorn fart in a desert windstorm to me now. Completely insignificant.)

Yep...THREE EFFIN' TIMES....then came Jaymie, so that makes four total, AFAIK.
The shock and awe of it all shut down my rational thinking and my brain compartmentalized. My focus was all on Jaymie. There was nothing to be learned from his ancient cheating. I had cheated way back then, too. In my mind, I called it a wash.

Now...I will agree if Richard ever cheats again...then I am the dimmest bulb on the planet, because he will have fooled me absolutely. We have been together for 32 years, well over half of my life. I am so grateful that I didn't give up on us. I am not a slave to our marriage. I am completely liberated in our marriage. I have seen the worst and come through the fire, out the other side of near marital death. I made the right choice. Richard worked his ass off to earn a chance for reconciliation. I CHOSE my marriage. Nothing is holding me hostage.
Whether you wanna believe it or not...I am living proof. Marriages can come out the other side of adultery better, stronger and happier than they were before DDay. It ain't for every betrayed spouse, but it has sure worked out me for me.
I hope you find your Road to Happy, too.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn - I admire your strength, and I hope everything is working out with your husband. My wife cheated on me with a friend of mine several years ago during a very down, unhappy period in our marriage. It was a very short lived thing - maybe a couple of months. They broke it off and decided to work on their marriages.

It's funny, I can remember the exact moment when I knew something was going on. I saw them walking together out of a friend's house while I waited in the car. Nothing was happening between them, they were just talking, but it's like I was hit by a lightning bolt. I KNEW somehow. And very soon after I found out that I was correct.

It's such a painful, difficult thing. My wife and I are good now, but I still have triggers that come up and she doesn't seem to understand them. I tell her that she needs to read up a bit on post-affair trauma, because this stuff is very real.

Anyway, I just ran across your blog. Take care, and stay strong.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Triggers after many years are to be expected. I think I still get mini-triggered once in a great while after 6 1/2 years! No matter....I know I did good. I know I made the right choice. I know my mariage is worth every damn trigger I endured.

I hope your FWW takes your advice and reads up. It's important for the cheater to understand how deep the trauma runs.
You take good care, too! Thanks for commenting.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn