I was out of ideas about how to make the pain go away. Nothing had worked to date, that's for damn sure.
I was out of my mind. My obsessive thinking was clearly taking over, obscuring any productive thoughts I may have had to repair my broken heart....that caused my broken brain...which lead to my broken record behavior....that sent me to live in the house in Crazy Town that Richard & Jaymie built.
Whoa....sometimes I cringe when I write this shit. Seriously, this blog ain't always easy.
It was August, 2011. Only one month left until the anti-versary of the day Richard finally got Jaymie naked in his office. In my current condition, I feared, quite rightly so, the anti-versary might put me over the edge and land my dysfunctional ass in a padded room.
There was no forward motion of any kind in my perception of how to rebuild my life. The only brainstorms I experienced at the time were the menacing kind, more feeble schemes that could get me access to Jaymie and what I viewed as my Holy Grail of recovery....the emails. My conviction that Jaymie held the key to my redemption and relocation out of Crazy Town was steadfast.
I allowed the broken record of my broken mind to play on...I sent Jaymie this:
On Sept. 7th of last year you began an intimate relationship with my husband. As that day approaches, I am drawn back into all the pain, anger and utter disbelief that I felt during the first months. It's starting to boil over and I have no outlet.
I know from Sept. 7th until Oct. 12th, the day I found out, I will be obsessing about every detail of your time with him. Not sure where that will lead, but I'm sure I'll find somewhere to vent. When that happens, I usually end up involving people that have no business getting hurt because of what you and Richard did. Your parents, Kevin, Richard's family, my parents....why in the hell did they need to know about it all? If I am ever going to move past this, I need to unload my aching heart onto you and Richard. You both need to know the depth of my pain. Maybe, just maybe, if I try to empty it on you, put it all on you and him, then I'll be capable of forgiveness. I need that so desperately.
Please try to see that you owe me. If you are truly as sorry for what you did to me as Kevin says you are, then you'll help me. I'd be happy to meet in a therapist's office. I just need to purge my emotions. Don't care how we do it, phone, email or in person. Yes, or no... just let me know you got this. I need to know I reached you. I don't want to have to go through others to communicate with you anymore.
Sound familiar? By admitting I understood how meaningless involving others had been, at least I was beginning to narrow my scope of collateral damage. Good for me, but a tad too late, huh?
Obsessive thinking is normal after DDay. I didn't understand that it happens to people suffering Post Traumatic Stress. The lovely Dr. K never mentioned that during our little chats.
Without the lovely Dr. K's help, I later learned that the broken record in my brain prevented me from dealing with the direct cause of my pain...Richard. Maybe I can save some of you the mental health appointment co-pay.
Face the cheater that damaged you. It's the only way to find your Road to Happy.
As I read my words to Jaymie in the email above, I was struck by the fact that I, at that time, had thought I needed to find forgiveness. I wrote I was "desperate" for it. That's another thing I learned without writing a check to the lovely Dr. K. I'm fine without forgiveness.
I don't forgive Jaymie...Oh, Hell No! And I don't forgive Richard. I've accepted he is a good man that lived in his own personal Crazy Town for a while and then worked his ever-so apologetic butt off to save our marriage.
Good enough for me.
I wrote emails like this to Jaymie dozens of times. Same counterproductive, ineffective, purposeless, good for nothing drivel...different day. Geek Boy Kevin got more than his fair share and Daddy James, as well. There is no rational explanation of why I thought I needed Jaymie back in my life.
I was the epitome of a broken record.
Talk to me Jaymie, Talk to me Jaymie, Talk to me Jaymie, Talk to me Jaymie......Fuck!
Why couldn't I throw that broken record away and begin playing the latest top 10 hit that all the cool people were listening to in Crazy Town: Shawn Needs to Get a Grip!?
The chorus of that under utilized ballad went something like this:
:::If you wanna start to heal
There's one thing you should know
To change the way you feel
You gotta let her go:::
Snappy lyrics but I couldn't dance to the tune, so I let the broken record, Talk to Me Jaymie, run on for another couple of months. Richard watched me hit the repeat button over and over and over again. He was much too afraid of losing me to try and stop me. As a matter of fact, right before the first anti-versary of DDay, I talked him into spinning the broken record for me.