After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Be Happy

Happy New Year, my friends.
I've been avoiding my blog a bit.  I read all your comments, questions and emails, but the thought of writing my next post was not pleasing me.  When I type the words into the eBlogger templet and hit publish it's usually an easy process.  I know I want to finish the story of my time in Crazy Town.  I could never leave it hanging.

Since Christmas, I just haven't felt like rehashing it.  Telling my story has been an enormous part of my healing process, an extensive, lengthy piece of territory on my Road to Happy.  I don't intend to abandon this part of my journey.  I just needed a  little private time in a rest stop.

As of this morning, I'm still not quite ready to get back to Crazy Town.  I figured I'd be going another week or so without fresh thoughts worthy of sharing in cyberspace.

I changed my mind.  I find this message well worthy.

I frequently visit the Healing Heart message boards.  I have mentioned many times that the compassionate members of that forum saved me.  I don't use those words lightly.  I believe they truly saved me from myself by giving me hope, not to mention support without judgment, wise guidance, commiseration and empathy beyond measure.  If there is any way for me to pay that forward, I intend to do just that.
I go to the boards and I read.  Sometimes the pain shared by those who post is so palpable, it squeezes my nearly mended broken heart and I am compelled to reach out.  This morning was one of those times.  I responded to a betrayed spouse that was despairing.  She was distressed by being stuck in her melancholy life.
My response to her felt like the right words to jumpstart my blog and this New Year.

Infidelity crushes us. Healing is a long, hard fight. It ain't easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.

I didn't begin to heal for over a year after DDay. Then, I came to this safe haven and learned from others that truly understood my struggle, my pain, that I would be OK. I would be happy again. I could take back my happiness. Hearing the stories of betrayal survival gave me hope. Hope gave me strength.

Before then, I couldn't move forward because I was consumed by the pain of the past. Here's how I started my walk on the Road back to Happy:

I was obsessed with thoughts of the OW. I couldn't get her out of my head and therefore, I couldn't get her out of my life. I called the oppressive thoughts "brain worms". I imagined her with my FWH on the beach, in a casino hotel, in his car, in his office...you get the idea. My therapist suggested this little behavior modification mantra. She said when the brain worms take over repeat this until you find a place of peace.
"I do not need to think about this now. It will not help me to think about this now. I will NOT think about this now."

Too simple, right? Ridiculous! When my therapist suggested it to me, I rolled my eyes back so far I could see my own beat up brain! Much to my surprise, these few simple sentences felt like a shield. Not just a shield, also a weapon. It took some practice, but soon I was winning the war of the brain worms. I felt empowered! I was taking back some control of my life. I longed for something I had control over! For so many months, I had forgotten that I control ME! With this small bit of inspiration, I began to heal. It took another year for me to truly commit to my marriage. Now, I understand that I had to heal me before I could work to heal US.

We gotta own our happiness. We deserve to be happy. Infidelity has taken so much from us! It feels good to take something back.
The Road to Happy has many paths. All are unique and none are without multiple potholes and speed bumps. But, I believe that when we choose to take responsibility for our own happiness, we pick up the pace of the long marathon journey.


This blog post was easy to write and not just because most of it was "cut & paste".
We can take back our happiness.  No one else is gonna do it for us!  The concept is pure light, but when we are shrouded in the darkness of adultery, we have to force ourselves to make room for the light.  We have to truly believe that there is hope for happiness to return.

About a week ago, I was lying in bed with Richard.  We take time to cuddle in bed before we have to rush into our day.  Sometimes, quiet words of love are spoken.  On that particular day, for no particular reason, I said, "Be happy."
He hugged me soooo tight!  Seriously, almost cracked a rib!

Be Happy.  So simple, but not always easy.  For me, it's a daily choice.  The picture above is what I now see every morning in the garden window above the sink in my kitchen.
In my last post, my Christmas wish was if you are struggling with moving forward, if you are stuck in unlit, gloomy joylessness….fight it.
Be Happy.
That uncomplicated message brought me back to my blog.
It felt worth writing about.
I hope it was worth reading about.

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn. I just wanted to say thanks for your words, and your story. I was in Crazy Town for a while. I'm sure we must have passed eachother, but were too busy to stop and wave. I found your blog through Healing Heart (I'm applejackssmacks on there.) I'm at the one year post D-Day mark (6 days away actually), so I'm a bit behind you on my journey. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know what a fan I am of your blog! I hate waiting in between posts! How dare you have a life outside of this! :) I feel anxious waiting for your next post, like I'm waiting for a new Harry Potter book to come out. I'll show up on the internet at midnight and wait in line dressed up in a bereaved spouse costume, maybe. Ok, maybe not really, but I just wanted to say thanks for infusing a little humor into this horrid ordeal, and I look forward to the next installment.

shawn thewife said...

((Applejacks))) LOL! A bereaved spouse costume!! What would that look like?? A very haggard, sullen woman, with dirty hair in footie pajamas?? Or..maybe in my case, a totally crazed looking woman with wild eyes, drooling in a straight jacket!

You just made my day! I love hearing that I made someone laugh when I know how hard grins are to come by after DDay. You totally returned the favor!
Thanks! See you on HH.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Oh…One more thing Applejacks!! The Anti-versary. It's probably gonna suck. You may need to take some time for yourself and lick your wounds a bit. Nothing wrong with that.
I can only offer this. Try to focus on what your FWH is doing for you NOW instead of what he did THEN.

Living in the NOW helps you move forward.
Hope & HUGE Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn,
You are so inspirational. I sign in every day hoping that you have written something. Thank you for all you do.

Suffering

Kate M. said...

I had the feeling you were needing some time and distance from telling your story... which to me, really shows how far you've come on your road to recovery. That gives me a lot of hope-- so when I look at it that way, having to wait longer for your posts is a good thing.

Applejacks- as a fellow hardcore HP fan, I was cracking up at your comment. I dressed up and stood in line at midnight for the last book, Lol. My (then teenaged) son was embarrassed until some friends of his who happened to be there decided he had the coolest mom ever. Ahh, I miss the days when my biggest worry was whether or not I embarrassed my kids in public.

Shawn is right about the first DDay anti-versary... mine was less than a month ago and sure enough, it was rougher for me emotionally than I expected. The OW couldn't pass up the chance to remind us both she still exists, by contacting his boss for a bogus reason through an account that she (his boss) and my husband both manage. She had no reason to (a) send the message at all, and (b) to use that account instead of mailing his boss privately. I knew she would probably do something on or close to that day and tried to mentally prepare... but I've learned that so far, I can prepare my mind as well as possible for something but it still doesn't keep my heart from reacting. She wants to hurt me, wants to upset us both, wants to get a reaction... we never say or do anything in response, but the emotional reaction is something I still struggle with.

shawn thewife said...

(((Suffering))) Inspirational? Don't know about that, but if I am able to bring you comfort in any way, I am grateful for the opportunity. So many other betrayed spouses helped me when I thought there was no hope, I only hope to try and return the favor.

Please feel free to comment, ask questions or just vent if you need a little help from any of us. We get it. We know the pain of betrayal. It can be overwhelming. You can dump some of that rage or sorrow or confusion here anytime. You do not have to try and walk the Road to Happy alone.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Kate M.: You are so right! As I move on down my Road to Happy, looking back becomes a bit more difficult. I will finish the story. I'm so close to done. I want to share how I FINALLY found a way to heal.

And if I bring any hope into your life, writing is so totally worth it!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn,
It's DianaPrince. Thank you for taking the time to comment over at HH. It was me who has been "just sad" and I'm so over it. I'm so over walking underneath this constant cloud of gray. But I'm so scared to get beyond it. I am 9 months post DDay...the year mark is approaching and I'm scared I won't handle it well. Like Kate M., the OW keeps making her presence known. I am so good at being on the high road, but inside it kills me to have to put up with such crap. Grrrr!
Thank you again for telling your story, for helping us feel like we are not alone in this.

BS said...

Kate M & Diana

Like you two, the OW keeps appearing and inserting herself into our lives.

The good thing is that it highlights for my husband what a self-absorbed, obnoxious, evil person she is.

The bad thing is that she is now making things very personal for me. By continually making her presence known in places where she knows I will be and she has to go way out of her way to be.

Yes. Grrrrrr! The fact that I have to put up with such horse dew from this woman, and apparently her husband can't even keep her under control, is really really making me angry at my spouse, each time she flaunts herself.

Michelle Thewife said...

Thank you so much for you honesty! Oh how I wish I'd have found this blog years ago!

Michelle Thewife said...

P.S.....I hope you don't mind, I'm using "TheWife" as my last name also, I think its a clever way to maintain anonymity, and is a much more flattering last name for me than "Crazylady" which is far more accurate!

shawn thewife said...

Diana: If I am able to help, I am grateful. I so want to pay it forward. The wonderful members of HH pulled me, kicking and screaming out of Crazy Town.

Isn't HH the most comforting place? It feels safe, right? It feels like you can ask anything and someone will reply with just the right words to help you through it all.
Be patient with yourself. The first anti-versary can be brutal. Just try your best to focus on NOW and let THEN take a back seat.
We'll be here if you need support.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Michelle TheWife,
I, too, should be Shawn theCrazyLady or maybe, Shawn theLunatic or Shawn theBetrayed Bitch on Wheels! I earned each and every one of those names and then some.
But, I wear theWife with pride. I am one hell of an awesome wife!!
You say you wish you'd found us "years ago". How long since your DDay? Are you struggling with finding your Road to Happy? If so, please let us know how we can help.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

BS: Not sure if we've discussed this yet...but, have you considered a restraining order?
Just a thought.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

Hi Shawn:

Thank you for the suggestion.

We have twice talked to a local attorney a former local DA familiar with stalking.

He did send one no contact letter, but it did no good and he fears with an erotic or jilted stalker, she may escalate into violence should he cause her narcissistic injury again, by sending another no contact letter.

She is not doing anything yet illegal. Her appearances are on public streets and she never speaks to me.

The calls have been from burn phones and not traceable and she uses a proxy stalker to transmit seemingly innocent information...at least innocent to an uninvolved judge.

Thus a local court will not issue a restraining order.

She is clever and just skirts the legal boundaries.

We have video monitoring and should she trespass on our property or call from a traceable number, we can then request a restraining order.

jennifer onehurtmama said...

Shawn,
Your posts are always so perfectly timed. "Be Happy" should be my mantra. I should say it to myself over and over and over. I have really been struggling with this recently. Even though things feel good between my husband and I, and even though we are so much better than we were 6 months ago, I just have a really hard time being happy and living in the moment. I am such a type A personality, and it just drives me nuts that there is nothing I can do to change or control what has happened. Deep down, I know that the only thing I have control of is myself moving forward, but I get so caught up in my sadness and all the what ifs. What if I had just followed him one of the many times I was suspicious? What if I had just checked our phone records further back than I did? What if I had surprised him when he was "working late at the hospital"? I get sad because I know that in terms of passion, our passion after 12 years together can't really compete with the passion felt because of the newness and fantasy involved in an affair. Unfortunately, they are still working together, and even though he tells me about all conversations and shows me the texts exchanged, etc., there is a little part of me that always wonders if he is just trying to pull the wool over my eyes so he can continue things with her. I don't really feel like he is still involved with her, but clearly, I have been duped before (during the affair, and before I knew about it, he even laughed and told me that there was this silly rumor going around at the hospital that something was going on between the two of them!) He was very clever, and had such an easy time lying to me that I am just terrified that maybe I am being lied to again. My gut says no, but my dwelling on the past, and the fact that she is still a part of our daily life (he will be changing hospitals soon, we hope) is keeping me in a dark place, living in the past, and not able to just "be happy" in our progress together and move forward. I am trying hard to find my own road to happy, but damn this is hard!

Jennifer

Michelle said...

Thank You for asking Shawn! FYI "Betrayed Bitch on Wheels is my fav name suggestion!

My Dday was in the fall of 2011. I have just now made the choice (and it is a choice) to "Find the road to happy" as you say. So I started a blog, telling my story about my husbands infidelities.

Everyone can help by continuing to tell their stories, and by reading and offering advice and insight on my story! http://affairsalcoholandantidepressants.blogspot.com/

Erika said...

I am so glad I found this blog. Two months ago I found out MH of 23 years was having a physical and emotional affair. I suspected for about 6 weeks and when I confronted him, he denied it. Even on our 23rd Anniversary we were went out dancing and he invited her with. I saw the connection was what I had suspected. I needed proof. He his cell phone laying around and saw the messages, that was my proof. He eventually admitted everything to me.They had slept together in the car, my car, on the beach at her place. The lies and deception was overwhelming. It still took 2 weeks for him to stop speaking to her. I couldn't understand why didn't he want to be nasty to her like I wanted to. We live in a really small town and see her on a regular basis in the shops etc. When i see her it feels as if my wind has been knocked out of me, as if my legs want to collapse out from under me. We are trying to pick up the pieces but two months into it I am still struggling with the emotions, I think about it everyday. Often when a song comes on or we pass a place i know they were together I wonder if he is thinking about her. All the article I have read has said it can take up to a year to get anywhere near ok in the relationship..... its so difficuilt I cant speak to anyone as I am too amashed for anyone to know he was with her, as she has a repuration of sleeping around with a couple of married men in the town. At the time MH accepted that when she said she didnt slep around that she didnt, Men can be so gullable. I forced him to go for a STD test and I was tested too. That in itself is one of the most shameful things I have had to do. Its so sad when I see how many marriages have been put into turmoil because of cheating spouses ..... I am trying to stay strong .... this blog is giving me hope....
Thanks
Broken Wife

Erika said...

How do you come back from an affair, its two months after I found out and I still think about it everyday, my emotions still run up and down, from hate to blaming myself. How long does it go on...one thing I know i will never trust him again.....

michelle said...

In Response to Erika (Am I allowed to respond to your readers Shawn? I know she's asking your advice, but I just read her post and it made me want to give her a hug)

Erika,
I am so sorry! My husbands affair was similar to yours in that we live in a small town and I am constantly seeing the OW, this can make healing a very difficult thing, even two years later. Difficult but not impossible. Shawn's blog offers a lot of good advice on what NOT to do the first year as well as a lot of advice on what to do along with a lot of insights, and different perspectives. There is hope, you will begin to heal. For me it took about a year to come out of the shock/crazy rage and start to heal. That seems like a long time, so take it one day at a time. Please find a close friend to confide in, and preferably a therapist to. Number one priority is to take care of you. Do something every day that is "selfish"

Michelle

shawn thewife said...

Jennifer: you don't say exactly when your DDay was. You mentioned 6 months ago, so I'm guessing that's the time frame. Here's what I know...6 months ain't near enough time to process such life altering trauma. You sound like you're doing the best you can. You seem to know that you want to reconcile and that is a HUGE decision. You have already found the path you want on the Road to Happy.
Allowing myself to be vulnerable again after DDay was a monumental struggle for me. I like being Toughie Pants. But, to truly love and be loved in return, eventually you gotta put it all out there.
I said Eventually. Time is your friend. There is no set time frame for this journey. You get to set the pace. If your WH wants to repair the damage he caused, he will be patient and follow your lead.

We'll be here if you need a friend or two as you move forward.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Erika: You're not broken beyond repair. You have been damaged, wounded. You will heal. And, yes...it takes a long, damn time. Counseling helps, individual and marriage if possible.
The first 6 months will be about YOU. You gotta try to fix YOU before you can work on the marriage. Usually, the more remorse shown by your WH, the quicker you recover. Not QUICK...just quicker. And it is not about what your WH says...it's all about actions.
You get to decide what you need to help you heal. Thinking about the affair all the time normal. Triggers can be everywhere. I call that symptom of adultery Brain Worms. You can leaner to fight them off, but please be patient with yourself. You are just beginning to process something that causes many of us to have PTS, post traumatic stress. It's brutal.
Please know you do not have to suffer alone. Try the Healing Heart message boards. The link is at the bottom of my blog. You will find friends there that know your pain. It is a safe and comforting forum.
We will be here, too. Whenever you have questions or just need a virtual hug, fire up your computer and we will be just a few clicks away.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Michelle: The only rule I have here is that if you post something that may cause additional pain to anyone else...first, I'll rip you a virtual big, fat new one....then, I'll delete and block your sorry self.

Offering comfort and support is always welcome. You can never have too many hugs.
Hope and hugs, Shawn

BS said...

Hi jennifer:

Jennifer said: "I get sad because I know that in terms of passion, our passion after 12 years together can't really compete with the passion felt because of the newness and fantasy involved in an affair."
========

Jennifer, I am Sad to see you in so much pain. That part likely bothers all betrayed spouses male or female.

It seems so unfair because the companionate love that forms in a long term marriage can never compete with a dating relationship with someone New. Realistic people know and accept this.

With affairs, it's even worse than a dating relationship, because it never ever reaches the mundane stage at all. It always remains stolen time, and the wild anticipation of meeting, and being dressed to kill and fun fun fun all the time, with no real world worries.

Affair land is a world where the cheaters always look perfect and they never argue. They just have wild sex and fun.

I do think, though, that if the cheating spouse finally gets real they realize that an affair can't compete with companionate love.

They realize that the companionate love is the real love not the affair land sex.

It is sad that they realize this after the fact.

===============

Jennifer said:

"Unfortunately, they are still working together, and even though he tells me about all conversations and shows me the texts exchanged, etc., there is a little part of me that always wonders if he is just trying to pull the wool over my eyes so he can continue things with her."

====================

I think this type of thinking will always be with betrayed spouses. Maybe it's a good thing, too. We were all obviously too trustful.

Our spouses have shown us that for whatever reason, they have the capacity to lie to our faces.

A lot of people can do this, is seems. More than those who could never lie to a spouse's face.

The cheaters later say it was to protect us from pain. They never expected to get caught. And they thought no one would get hurt.

But the fact that they were selfish enough to engage in a dating relationship while married and the faithful spouse took no such option, will forever be painful.

When a truly remorseful cheater sees the pain he/she has caused, it can turn them around.

IMO, The only way to heal is to ensure complete transparency and openness going forward.

Also, he needs to leave the hospital where she works, asap.

For peace of mind, particularly if the spouse still works with the affair partner, I have heard of people asking that the spouse agree to a lie detector test, whenever the faithful spouse is suspicious.

My husband, early on had agreed to this, but I have never used it. I will, if I need to.

I agree, we were duped once and it may be easy to dupe us again.

I think though, if your spouse agrees to the test without becoming defensive, then he is likely truly remorseful and back in the real life world.

I actually tested my husband by driving him right to the door of the polygrapher, and he was actually eager to go in and take the test.

I then cancelled the test.

The only person who could consistently pass a polygraph is likely a psychopath.

They cost between $200 and $600 depending on location.

You can ask your marriage counselor to rule out the psychopathy, a personality disorder, in your husband, too, for your own peace of mind.

I told my MC that if she thought my spouse was a psychopath, I would divorce him asap.

It was determined by several psychologists, that he was not. He was just having the typical mid-life crazies men get, when they start feeling old.

I was having my mid life crazies likely, too, but I channeled it into productive activities like charity work and interesting hobbies and classes.

dianaprince said...

Jennifer said:

"I get sad because I know that in terms of passion, our passion after 12 years together can't really compete with the passion felt because of the newness and fantasy involved in an affair."

BS said:

"Affair land is a world where the cheaters always look perfect and they never argue. They just have wild sex and fun."

For me, my FWH says this scene of passion and a hot, steamy love affair that I play out in my mind is the Hollywood portrayal of an affair. For him, it was not passionate and it was not fun. He says immediately after he was "with" the OW, he was wracked with guilt and self-hate. Of course, she was there trying to soothe him and tell him he was not a bad person for cheating. {Gag me, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about that.}

The point is, he did not and does not have fond memories of his time with her.

The truth is, if the sex was THAT good or the feelings for the OW were THAT strong, our H's would not have stayed in their marriages.

Jennifer, after 12 years, your intimacies with your H are so much more than just passion and a passing fling. The moments you share with your H are about a bond and a closeness that an affair can NEVER compete with.


shawn thewife said...

dianaprince...wrote: "The truth is, if the sex was THAT good or the feelings for the OW were THAT strong, our H's would not have stayed in their marriages.
Jennifer, after 12 years, your intimacies with your H are so much more than just passion and a passing fling. The moments you share with your H are about a bond and a closeness that an affair can NEVER compete with."

TRUE DAT, my friend!! VERY well said.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Erika said...

dianaprince...wrote: "The truth is, if the sex was THAT good or the feelings for the OW were THAT strong, our H's would not have stayed in their marriages.
Jennifer, after 12 years, your intimacies with your H are so much more than just passion and a passing fling. The moments you share with your H are about a bond and a closeness that an affair can NEVER compete with."

Truer words have never been spoken. These words have given me hope and inspiration to tackle this thing head on.

:)
Erika

BS said...

Hi diana Prince:

Diana prince you said:

"For him, it was not passionate and it was not fun. He says immediately after he was "with" the OW, he was wracked with guilt and self-hate. "

==================

Diana that may be true of your spouse, and perhaps some, but my cheating spouse Although he was wracked with guilt and self hate, too after sex, he says he still enjoyed it.

He says he liked the newness of it, the fact that she was somewhat slutty in bed, and never too tired and always super eager to rip his cloths off. She would send him emails and texts frequently claiming how hot she was for him, and how she wanted to rip his cloths off.

In her texts she said she hated sex with her husband, but was eager for sex with him. In fact at some point after starting their affair, she claimed she had stopped having sex with her own husband.

My cheating spouse said the sex was not better, but it was hotter, perhaps because of the newness or illicitness of the situation, the anticipation of dressing up to meet simply for string-free sex.

He told me and the counselors that he did enjoy the lustfulness of sex with someone new. He said it was addictive.

Personally, I was glad that he was honest with me about enjoying the sex, and also it was, for me,a valid reason for why he was willing to risk all, even though he thought he would never get caught or perhaps he thought he was too clever to get caught.

DianaPrince said:

"The point is, he did not and does not have fond memories of his time with her."
============

Diana, My husband says this, too. He says he now does not have fond memories of the affair. He feels ashamed. He says he even feels queasy when he thinks of the outsider.

DianaPrince said: "The truth is, if the sex was THAT good or the feelings for the OW were THAT strong, our H's would not have stayed in their marriages."
==============


Diana my cheating husband says the sex WAS that good. Pleasurable enough in its newness and excitement to risk the affair and perhaps losing everything. At least in the moment.

After discovery, he was totally in a panic because he never anticipated being outed.

He now regrets disrespecting his marriage vows, but he says when he searches his soul and to be honest, of course the sex was good and exciting and addictive and that is why he "stupidly" risked all to engage in it.

Dianaprincesaid: "Jennifer, after 12 years, your intimacies with your H are so much more than just passion and a passing fling. The moments you share with your H are about a bond and a closeness that an affair can NEVER compete with."
============

Diana, I agree, and my husband agrees with this statement and he now feels ashamed that he allowed himself to cheat due to the erotic lust he felt for some stranger. He now says he wished he also had exercised self control. Sadly, he did not.

Like your husband, he also now says, he does not miss that type of sex nor desire it.

He says he feels the affair purged it from his system.

I can only hope he is being as honest about that last claim as he was about his claim to have enjoyed the sex.

jennifer onehurtmama said...

Thank you all for your kind words. Sadly, I just found out yesterday that he has been pulling the wool over my eyes. It wasn't just my crazy paranoia. I put a voice activated recorder in his car, and listened to him profess his love to her on the phone on his way home to me after work. They were also lamenting the fact that they can't be together physically, which means apparently, the emotional affair has started back, but not the physical one as of when I found out yesterday. I told him I wanted him to pack a bag and get out when he got home from work, and he canceled his clinic and came home and followed me around all day crying hysterically and begging me to give him another chance. This is my DDay 3. He said he doesn't love her, that he had stupidly thought they could be friends, and then just over a week ago, as they began working late nights together on a big project which was just completed a couple of days ago, the emotional affair started back again. He said he allowed himself to be reeled back in because as they were working, she was dirty talking and such, and because she threatened not to finish the project if he really didn't love her or want her. His job is highly dependent on the successful completion of this project each year. He said he also felt like he could slowly end things with her after the completion of the project, but he and I both agree that that may not have actually happened. Lies beget lies, and once he tried to break things off with her again, we both suspect that she would have threatened to tell me everything, and he would have been stuck stringing things along. This, as we all know, is the problem with becoming involved with someone you don't trust. In any case, these are the only things I know to be true, which is what told the divorce attorney I visited yesterday. I know I love him desperately, despite the pain he has caused me; I know that he loves me madly (I have always known this, and I have never understood why he would risk us); I know that he doesn't love her (he says that he doesn't and says that her only real appeal is that she flirts mercilessly, strokes his ego, and is willing to be dirty all the time). The divorce attorney told me he didn't think I was ready to file for divorce yet. He said your husband doesn't want a divorce, you don't want a divorce, and you love each other. Maybe you should give it one more shot? And truthfully, I want to, even though saying that out loud makes me feel like I need to be committed to an asylum. He is about to sign a contract with a different hospital this week and put in his resignation at her hospital, he swears he will mend my broken heart and be the man that I deserve, and he wants one last chance. Am I crazy to consider it? I am so lost and alone.

shawn thewife said...

Jennifer: You are NOT alone. You can come here, you can visit the Healing Heart (the link is at the bottom of my blog) or you can email me: shawnthewife@aol.com
And...you are not crazy. You love him. You want him to be the man you married. Wonderful men can do some super shitty things sometimes. It doesn't mean they are unredeemable.

You called it...lies begat lies. Once the lies start they are very hard to stop. Lying becomes so much easier the longer you do it and necessary to keep the fantasy relationship alive. Affair fog can be so thick it takes months to dissipate.

Only you can decide where to go from here. I learned throwing the cheater out and then letting him back in serves very little purpose. Asking him to sleep in a separate room might be better until you are able to find a way to feel safe with him again or until you decide you are certain divorce is the choice that feels right to you.

If he is willing to change jobs to help you heal, that is a darn good first step. I think MC should be a requirement as well. He needs to understand that repairing all the damage HE has done will take a VERY long time. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

I have trouble with the fact that he seems to blame the OW for HIS choice to cheat. I don't care what she threatened to do. He should have been talking to you about each time she reached out to him so the two of you could figure it out together.

Please consider IC for yourself. Try to care for yourself right now first and foremost. You fix you. Your WH must fix himself. Then, you be able to focus on repairing the marriage together.

Please remember that we care and don't try to deal with this awful pain alone. Let us help.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

One hurt mama said:

"I know that he doesn't love her (he says that he doesn't and says that her only real appeal is that she flirts mercilessly, strokes his ego, and is willing to be dirty all the time)."

There are a lot of slutty women out there.

So I agree with Shawn, he needs to own responsibility for breaking his vows. He needs IC and MC

As Shawn said: The fact that he is willing to change jobs is a very good sign, but the fact that he is blaming the Outsider, is not good.

He needs to own his crap. There are lots of men who come on to me, and I am sure you and Shawn also, yet we have all honored our marriage vows.

I am glad you put a recording device in the car an caught him with his continued bull crap.

He needs to understand that just because a women strokes his ego and his penis is still not a good reason to cheat.

We all like or need to have our egos stroke, who doesn't, but boundaries are what keep us from cheating.


Those type of women are everywhere and he needs to put up his own boundaries pronto.