Saturday, January 11, 2014
I've been avoiding my blog a bit. I read all your comments, questions and emails, but the thought of writing my next post was not pleasing me. When I type the words into the eBlogger templet and hit publish it's usually an easy process. I know I want to finish the story of my time in Crazy Town. I could never leave it hanging.
Since Christmas, I just haven't felt like rehashing it. Telling my story has been an enormous part of my healing process, an extensive, lengthy piece of territory on my Road to Happy. I don't intend to abandon this part of my journey. I just needed a little private time in a rest stop.
As of this morning, I'm still not quite ready to get back to Crazy Town. I figured I'd be going another week or so without fresh thoughts worthy of sharing in cyberspace.
I changed my mind. I find this message well worthy.
I frequently visit the Healing Heart message boards. I have mentioned many times that the compassionate members of that forum saved me. I don't use those words lightly. I believe they truly saved me from myself by giving me hope, not to mention support without judgment, wise guidance, commiseration and empathy beyond measure. If there is any way for me to pay that forward, I intend to do just that.
I go to the boards and I read. Sometimes the pain shared by those who post is so palpable, it squeezes my nearly mended broken heart and I am compelled to reach out. This morning was one of those times. I responded to a betrayed spouse that was despairing. She was distressed by being stuck in her melancholy life.
My response to her felt like the right words to jumpstart my blog and this New Year.
Infidelity crushes us. Healing is a long, hard fight. It ain't easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.
I didn't begin to heal for over a year after DDay. Then, I came to this safe haven and learned from others that truly understood my struggle, my pain, that I would be OK. I would be happy again. I could take back my happiness. Hearing the stories of betrayal survival gave me hope. Hope gave me strength.
Before then, I couldn't move forward because I was consumed by the pain of the past. Here's how I started my walk on the Road back to Happy:
I was obsessed with thoughts of the OW. I couldn't get her out of my head and therefore, I couldn't get her out of my life. I called the oppressive thoughts "brain worms". I imagined her with my FWH on the beach, in a casino hotel, in his car, in his office...you get the idea. My therapist suggested this little behavior modification mantra. She said when the brain worms take over repeat this until you find a place of peace.
"I do not need to think about this now. It will not help me to think about this now. I will NOT think about this now."
Too simple, right? Ridiculous! When my therapist suggested it to me, I rolled my eyes back so far I could see my own beat up brain! Much to my surprise, these few simple sentences felt like a shield. Not just a shield, also a weapon. It took some practice, but soon I was winning the war of the brain worms. I felt empowered! I was taking back some control of my life. I longed for something I had control over! For so many months, I had forgotten that I control ME! With this small bit of inspiration, I began to heal. It took another year for me to truly commit to my marriage. Now, I understand that I had to heal me before I could work to heal US.
We gotta own our happiness. We deserve to be happy. Infidelity has taken so much from us! It feels good to take something back.
The Road to Happy has many paths. All are unique and none are without multiple potholes and speed bumps. But, I believe that when we choose to take responsibility for our own happiness, we pick up the pace of the long marathon journey.
This blog post was easy to write and not just because most of it was "cut & paste".
We can take back our happiness. No one else is gonna do it for us! The concept is pure light, but when we are shrouded in the darkness of adultery, we have to force ourselves to make room for the light. We have to truly believe that there is hope for happiness to return.
About a week ago, I was lying in bed with Richard. We take time to cuddle in bed before we have to rush into our day. Sometimes, quiet words of love are spoken. On that particular day, for no particular reason, I said, "Be happy."
He hugged me soooo tight! Seriously, almost cracked a rib!
Be Happy. So simple, but not always easy. For me, it's a daily choice. The picture above is what I now see every morning in the garden window above the sink in my kitchen.
In my last post, my Christmas wish was if you are struggling with moving forward, if you are stuck in unlit, gloomy joylessness….fight it.
That uncomplicated message brought me back to my blog.
It felt worth writing about.
I hope it was worth reading about.