How about this for a lead in understatement? Daddy James was pissed. I had no idea what he might do about it. My best guess was after he sent his email to Richard, Pastor Jeff and I, he wouldn't do a damn thing. For so long I had hoped for a confrontation with Jaymie. I didn't care where, court would have suited me just fine.
When I look back now, I can't even remember WHY I wanted to confront Jaymie. Did I have an exhaustive list of questions that begged for answers? Was I boldly determined to unleash Royal Bitch on her? Rake her over the coals, squash her under my heal and make her cower? Or was it more about continual punishment, making her suffer as I was by causing turmoil in her life?
Probably all of the above to some degree.
The threat of a restraining order or a harassment lawsuit did nothing to mitigate my intense focus on Jaymie. BUT....the email from Daddy James did throw a switch on my guilt-o-meter. If his email was accurate, I had managed to piss off a Pastor! I mean, I'm not a church going girl, but I understood that you had to commit a fairly heinous crime for a pastor to be infuriated with you! They are supposed to be forgiving, right? Compassionate, right? If Pastor Jeff was incensed with me, I must be undeserving of those sympathetic emotions! I had clawed and battled for months to purchase my own personal piece of real estate in Rock Bottom. I had finally arrived, moved in and set up house.
I decided to write to Pastor Jeff to sooth my guilty soul. I needed to convince him I was not a demon in Betrayed Wife's clothing. My conscience required I repent for my sins against his church. I emailed him with this:
I need to write and tell you how sorry I am for bringing you and your church into my messy life. Jim was only partially right about my intentions. My only goal has been to get Jaymie to talk to me. I have so many questions about her relationship with my husband, Richard, that only she can answer. I keep hoping that if I can fill in the gaps about what happened, then I'll know if I can ever forgive Richard and get past this.
So, in that regard, I was using your church for my own purposes. BUT...when I got there, I knew I could never do anything like that no matter how desperately I want answers. Even sitting in the parking lot, I was horrified at myself. I almost drove away, but then I thought maybe I could find some hope inside. I couldn't believe how kind and welcoming you all were to me. I felt so guilty, undeserving of your kindness. That's why, I didn't say a thing. I didn't go up to anyone. I sat in the back hoping there would be a message for me in your sermon. Praying that God might speak to me and help me heal my broken life.
I'm bawling like a baby as I type this. My heart is so broken. I am so lost.
And, I am so sorry. I will never bother you or anyone at your church ever again.
I realize that my feeble attempts to manipulate Jaymie into helping me were not well thought out. I know now that she'll never help me. She begged my husband to leave me. Why would she want to help me?
Guess I need a plan B.
Again, I can't apologize enough. I am not able to find forgiveness in my heart, but I pray you can.
Never heard from Pastor Jeff. Not a word. He didn't respond to forgive me or chastise me. He may not be a saintly forgiving type of church leader, but he was smart. I think he was right to ignore me. He couldn't help me. Even a quick email of forgiveness would have been wasted on me then.
The one part of my note to him that rings completely true is: I AM SO LOST. He surely didn't have a map that would lead me out of Rock Bottom.
That was August 20th, 2011. For a few weeks after this, I rarely left Rock Bottom. Without the energy or even the will to be angry, I wallowed in the lowermost region of Crazy Town. I drank too much and slept too little. I hated Rock Bottom. Or, to be more accurate...I hated ME at Rock Bottom because it felt like surrender. I was giving up on my marriage. I had been defeated.
It would take numerous weeks for me to realize that this quote from JK Rowling could work for me. It can work for you too. Focus on this...Once you hit Rock Bottom, you got no where to go but up!