After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

You Know Who You Are

Sorry to interrupt the flow of my story, but I gotta use this blog to send a message to the reader that seems compelled to screw with me.  Not just me...she is trying to mess with Richard to get to me.

I write truth.  My truth.  My opinions.  My point of view.  Richard knows I write.  AFAIK...he rarely reads.  He knows what happened.  He does not feel the need to revisit our dark days.  He does, however, respect my choice to write.  He knows, as do I, that this blog opens us up to potential haters because I write about some very specific places and events.  I'm not worried about exposure.  My life is what it is.  Sharing it heals me.
Sometimes haters get a little fired up.  No problem.  You gotta issue with me?  Bring it.  Let's go.  I am always open for a good debate.  Let me hear why I'm such a bitter, angry woman that is too weak and too scared to leave my cheating prick of a husband.
Haters words can't hurt me.  They are only faceless screen names with a keyboard and internet access.

Here's what I'M NOT open for...the person that sent Richard an email at work pretending to be Jaymie.
We didn't even know the email was sent until she emailed me through my profile and said something like, "Bet you didn't know Jaymie emailed Richard at work!"   She was right.  Neither of us knew because the damn email was buried way down in his spam folder.  I dug it up.  It had previously been unread. The emails she sent Richard and I were both from someone calling herself La Zawn, email address:  dogtown@doglover.com

The email address was no good.  We couldn't reply to her if we wanted to....and Oh, I really wanted to!!   We knew it wasn't from Jaymie.  The address used to reach Richard was from a website search engine, not his personal one that Jaymie always utilized to hook up with my husband.   PLUS... it was just too vague to be her and I'm pretty damn sure Jaymie has had her fill of my family!  So, it made me wonder...who would seek out Richard like that?  How did they know our last name to find his law firm online?  AND...why in the hell would someone go to so much effort?  I have lots of theories but no answers because La Zawn/DogTown is a chicken shit!

Today brought another visit from La Zawn...we think.  Richard's receptionist took a message today from someone saying it was Jaymie.  The message was, "Please tell Richard to call me.  He knows the number."  Yeah, right!!  The receptionist knew Jaymie!  She knew it wasn't her!  Richard called and emailed me immediately to let me know what was up.

The purpose of this post is to send a shout out to whoever it is that has taken an interest in my marriage.  YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.  You also know how to reach me.
I can not fathom why you have your panties in such a wad, but you're wasting your time with Richard.
If you are looking for attention....I'm right here.  Wadda ya need?

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

IT'S PROBABLY KEVIN OR JAYMIE'S FRIENDS MESSING WITH YOU. I MEAN, YOU DID MESS WITH THEM FOR A LONG TIME. SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL WITH ONLINE STUFF. WHEN YOU BITE THE DOG, THE DOGS MIGHT BITE BACK.

Flaca said...

Wow! Trolls are one thing... But stalkers who cross the line into your real life?! Wth?! That pisses me off. It also concerns me. Please be careful. These losers must be very lonely and very bored. She is obviously jealous of the resilience of your marriage. She is not worth the
dust from the soles of your shoes. If I were Troll I'd back off... Shawn don't play!

Kari said...

Seriously?! This world always amazes me with the number of wack-o's and people who generally are just ill-willed with no concern for others. I second Flaca...be careful out there. I personally know your lastname, although I can't remember how. Perhaps it was linked to your Google profile? Facebook even suggested to me that we become friends one day. These computers are crazy things! Be careful Shawn, and I hope that whoever is bored out there and is using their time to mess with others grows up soon!

shawn thewife said...

Here's my real beef with the Troll...Whatever has the troll so bent out of shape about me...tell me! Rip me a big, fat new one! You could do it publicly, right here on the blog. I'll post it for all to witness! OR...email me privately and Let's have it out.
The passive agressive bullshit is pointless.
Anonymous above thinks the hater is a friend of Jaymie's. I think that's probably right. That gives the troll a legitimate reason to dislike me...a lot.
I do trash Jaymie...a lot. If that's what this is about, why not tell me I'm a vindictive shrew? Tell me my husband lied his ass off to me and Jaymie. Rake my bitter ass over the coals!
The calls and emails are sooooo LAME!!!!

I know I'll never get this person to step up and state her gripe with me directly. This person is as immature as Jaymie and seems to enjoy high school type drama.

And...not to worry, my friends. I don't think I have a "stalker". I merely have a pathetic, cowardly detractor. Nothing to lose sleep over.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

Sean:

It's possible Jaymie is using a third party to stalk you and Richard.

This is what the OW in our situation has done, repeatedly.

Mentally disturbed people are often very good at recruiting vulnerable third parties to do their dirty work.

Any women in her 20s who has an affair with a married 60 year old man, is definitely a off mentally.

The OW in my case, has contacted us numerous times through third parties by email and phone using almost the exact language you mention here.

We know it's someone associated with the OW because they offer information that only the OW or someone the OW knows would know.

Also I have long suspected that some of the chiding anonymous comments are from Jaymie or her friends.

A BS would not chide you for being angry or striking out. She would understand.


I am sorry you are going through
This.

It just goes to show how whacky OWs are. So I think all the BS's here can have a good laugh at their desperate antics.

Shawn McDonald-Vinson said...

The trash talker doesnt have the guts to face you so they hide and make you seek. Very childish but at what level andhow low? WAY lower than my 7 yearold is my geuss. Thank you for being a TRUE WOMAN that im letting guide me om my way back to a happy place.

Eat My Scabs said...

Whaa??! Rude. We've got your back just say the word. And I have 2 middle fingers I can add to yours. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Hi. I don't think it is just some anon reader. Sounds too personal - sounds like someone who just doesn't like you. Maybe someone who knows you and knows of your H's affair and this blog even - maybe doesn't even know Jaymie? Sounds like someone who does know you though - maybe this new post of yours will make it stop!!!

This is very petty = but I don't prefer that Jaymie spelling. Don't know why a parent would make a common name so hard to spell. Jamie is much easier. I'm petty, but really, JAYmie?

PS, sorry you are going through this now, with regards to the caller. But I do have to say that a few of your posts did piss me off - I just didn't agree with you attacking the OW and not your husband, I felt you blamed the child-woman and not the man/husband, so I was really ticked that he got off easier than JaYmie, but now I don't care, I just like reading your blog. Much better for me than marriage forums (too mean and opinionated) - but I do like Healing Heart, just wish it was busier.

So - do you think if your H had cheated with prostitutes, like mine did, would it be worse or better? The reason I'm asking is I know of a few women whose H did both. See, with me, I have triggers everywhere - massage parlors are everywhere in SoCal. Your H had an affair - a serious one, yes, I agree, totally - your pain is well founded and raw. Mine is too. But the triggers for me are everywhere...

So is it easier when you don't have triggers everywhere? I guess that really is my question. I have triggers everywhere - like Scabs, which I also read faithfully. But in California there are like 6000 or more parlors. You never have to see JaYmie again, so the triggers kinda leave, right? For me, it is daily.

I hope you can answer this hypothetical.

Miss Katen said...

People can be sick but to be fair you have put yourself up for it. You took back a man who has no respect for you. Do you think he stills thinks of her when he is with you?

shawn thewife said...

Miss Katen: at first I thought you meant I left myself open to haters by writing a brutally honest and quite public blog...but wait! That's not what you meant at all! You think I deserve being harassed by a troll because I chose to stay married to my formerly wayward husband?? Well, fuck me! I had no idea my decision to save my marriage would make total strangers want to mess with my life!
Damn! I thought this pain in the ass, annoying troll was about pay back for all the Jaymie trash talk! So glad you enlightened me with your thoughts! Why didn't I think of it before? Oh, yeah! Because I don't think with my head up my butt!
And, NO. I am sure Richard doesn't think about Jaymie anymore. If I thought he did, our marriage would be over.
You suck. No hope or hugs for you!
Shawn

Sorry to the rest of my readers for the harsh reply to Miss Katen. Guess my tolerance for stupid is on the low side this morning.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: regarding triggers and healing...there is no easier. There is no better. It all sucks hard.
My triggers are numerous, but I've learned to beat them down. It takes time and practice and a strong will to make yourself CHOOSE to focus on NOW. Not then...not the dark. What is your WH doing for you NOW? Concentrate on the good. On the light.
It ain't easy, my friend. But, you can come out of infidelity hell with a better marriage. I did.
About the Healing Heart....it can be a little slow, but that's why I love it. It is intimate, personal and the members really get to know each other. It feels safe.

Sorry I pissed you off with some of my Jaymie bashing. I hope you'll believe me when I tell you...Richard caught way more hell fire from me than Jaymie ever got!! I just enjoy calling her names. I can be petty like that. ;-)
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I think most of these OW have the mind of a 13 year old. This is a classic example of that. I am glad that Richard is able to realize just one more faucet that this horrible behavior heaps into our lives. I too have an OW (55, so real age makes no difference)that loves to post taunts towards me and even my daughters. They are disturbed and sick. I do think this person has a direct relationship to Jaymie. Perhaps it is possible to hire a computer hacker and get to the bottom of this?
On a side note, I have wanted your blog to include a a bit more about the current situation of your life with Richard. Maybe even a sentence or two post script. I think it would be good to see the other side of the tunnel from this darkness. I am on my road to happy and want to see where I am headed and that the journey is worth the pain and heartache. My fwh is being a better man than I would have guessed. I knew he had it in him all along, I am so glad he finally found it again.
Hugs to you Shawn and if there is anything we could do to out this moron in your life, let us know. Tangerine.

P said...

I know this is veering a little from the original post, but just wanted to reply to the above comment about triggers.

I think any situation like this where you have been harmed can bring up triggers. It doesn't really matter the age, profession, etc. of the outsider involved.

It would be great if someone would do a post where we all just write down all our triggers. I could probably post 200, and even though I know some of mine are ridiculous (Can I really truly hate a whole city of 90,000 just because that woman lives there? Why yes, yes, I can!) I still have a hard time getting rid of them. Thank goodness I am learning to let them pass through my thoughts without letting them sit there and cause craziness like they used to.

Anyways, Shawn, thank you for continuing to post your story. It helps.

Anonymous said...

Dear Shawn: Thanks for the quick reply.

I didn't tell you that some of your posts (very few) upset me because I wanted to upset you - no. I wanted you to know that everyone feels SOMETHING every time they read your blog. Right? So, when I first started, you made me laugh -SO MUCH! It was so funny. Then I got sad, then angry, then pissed, then I was like - why is she blaming this young girl who has no experience unlike her intelligent-should-know-better-husband. Right? And then I left for a while and came running back and am so thoroughly enjoying it - all of it - the good, the funny, the bad, the ugly, the beauty. So don't apologize, though that was very nice, thank you.

I was only telling you the truth - you know, like you tell your truth - honesty is what is most important. And with honesty, you are going to piss off everyone - and I mean everyone. I used to have a saying that if I didn't piss someone off at least once a day I wasn't doing my job. That is what honesty does, but along side of honesty is integrity. If you are covering up your honesty, your truth - then integrity is oh so lacking, if not even completely absent.

So with honesty and integrity - if you don't piss off at least one person a day (like Katen - it's all good - even if she is pissed, it's good - you gave honesty and she gave honesty), then you, Dear Shawn, are not doing your job....

P.S. I still wish you'd give your honest opinion, but you are worried about feelings - ahh shucks.... Do you think it is easier for BS to forgive if it is with an affair as opposed to prostitutes...everyone has their opinion. But anyway, good blog, well done. And I hope you find out who the petty caller is - now I'm dying to find out. Will you tell us if you find out????? Or give us a hint?

mountainsailing said...

Miss Katen has a blog about the affair she's having with a married man. In her profile there she justifies her affair by saying she never thought she'd be 30 and single. Her posts read like a teenager's diary. My conclusion: she's very immature, very bitter, and doesn't have a lot of respect for herself.

So I wouldn't give her comments any credence. She's a sad person who needs to grow up and learn to behave with some humanity and compassion for others, instead of just behaving selfishly and lashing out at others.

shawn thewife said...

Mountainsailing: That explains a lot.
I always wonder if an OW reads my blog or the blog of any other betrayed wife...how in the hell could they continue the affair?? How selfish do you have to be to continue the behavior that you know will cause another immense pain? Or...how stupid do you have to be to think the married man will leave his wife and end up as yours?? Or...how pathetic do you have to be to settle for a relationship based on lies and hidden from the world?

I will admit I went to her blog and tried to reason with her. I know. I know. Useless effort. I had time to kill, what can I say?
Thanks for the heads up.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

mountainsailing said...

I know, it's baffling to try to figure out how an OW can read blogs like yours and not get an inkling of how wrong her affair is.

They're in a fog, I guess. The same fog our husbands were in when they were in their affairs. Happily, your husband and mine, and many others, came out the other side, eventually, and regained their sanity.

Maybe the OW will again, too. But not while she's still fully immersed in the affair.

She sounds so immature. Selfish, too, but that's the hallmark of an affair, isn't it?

I find myself wondering if the OW in my story would have sounded like that. I knew her, actually, but I haven't talked to her since D-Day. So I don't know what she would say to me about the affair.

Kate M. said...

Shawn, if this stalking/harassment continues you might consider hiring a private detective. A good one should know how to find out who is sending the emails- trace the IP address at the very least- or will have contacts who can do it.

I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiments of others here about the lack of maturity that OWs display. Ours is married, in her mid 30's and acts like a poorly raised high schooler combined with Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction.

BS said...

Anonymous said: "why is she blaming this young girl who has no experience unlike her intelligent-should-know-better-husband."

Anonymous said: "I felt you blamed the child-woman and not the man/husband"

To the above anonymous posters:

I think it's quite obvious to anyone who has actually read Shawn's blog that just like all BSs, Shaun has held her husband accountable.

What I don't get is how someone can claim a 20 year old is a child women.

My daughter is 20 and she is way to adult and intelligent and independent to ever have an affair with a married 60 year old man.

I was once a 20 year old working and going to school in Manhattan, and I was too intelligent and independent to have an affair.

I definitely did not consider myself a child-woman. Had anyone said that, I would have been highly insulted.

Unless Jaymie is mentally deficient in some way, or has a very low IQ she is not by any stretch a child woman at age 20.

She was a women who consciously made a very bad choice. She needs to understand that there are and will always be consequences for such behaviors.

With that said, I do think that all women who get involved with a married man are deficient in some way. Either they lack self esteem or IQ or higher mental functioning.

shawn thewife said...

To Anonymous that asked this: Do you think it is easier for BS to forgive if it is with an affair as opposed to prostitutes.

I answered this in my first response to you, but maybe I should elaborate. Above I replied...there is no easier. There is no better. To clarify, I meant it doesn't matter what kind of affair your WH had, prostitutes, neighbor, young, hot waitress from the coffee bar next to work or Best friend...it all SUCKS! An OW is nothing but an open hole used by cheaters to fill a void they have in themselves. Different cheaters find it easier to relate to different holes, but they are all the same when it comes to the life changing repercussions of DDay. Each of us feels at one time or another that our situation MUST be the worst ever in the history of cheating bastard husbands! We have every right to feel that way. For at the time, it is the fucking worst ever.
You asked for my opinion. That's it. I believe every single betrayal is the worst one. All recovery is harder than you can imagine. None of us has an easy Road to Happy, but we ALL can find our way back to a better place.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

BS - I feel very attacked by your reply to me and it is unwarranted. I have read all of Shawn's blog. My feelings are my feelings. You do not have to post your reply to me because I was replying to Shawn and my feelings toward what I felt, when, funny, sad, everything. The fact that you felt you have to attack me for my feelings explaining why I felt certain ways is so bizarre to me. Can you just attack someone else please? Maybe attack someone who is a cheater. Maybe attack someone who is a mistress. But leave me alone.

And thank you to the nice reply about triggers. I have 24/7 triggers and especially am triggered when I tell a blogger who I read all the time something personal - a feeling - and understanding how others may feel = but then get attacked because they misinterpret. I really wish I had never written anything now to Shawn. I feel like such a loser that I poured out my support and my feelings and then I get attacked. Yes, I'm a sucker. When will I ever learn. Oh well, I'm going to therapy = I ask her. She'll tell me to stay away from this and all blogs, I guess, which sucks, but I can't stand being attacked by someone who has no idea what I am talking about or feeling. If you have ever been cheated on, I'd expect you to be more open to people in pain - but no, you attack like a bull dog. Disgusting.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Regarding BS...I don't think she was attacking you personally. She only disagreed with your perception of Jaymie as a "young" girl.
BS has strong opinions and sometimes she has a bit of a heavy hand on her keyboard when she expresses them to us!

I so want everyone here to feel safe. (Except the trolls and haters. They are fair game!) When we disagree, we need to remember readers here have suffered a devastating trauma. Our words, our tone, should take that into account.
This is a place for those trying to find their Road to Happy. We have been through hell. This is the time to heal. This is a place to move forward.

I understand how you can be very tender after DDay. So many things seem so much harder than they should. Please don't let this one issue drive you away. Please know you are safe with us.

Triggers are evil. Anything can be a trigger. The trick is to learn to be tougher than the trigger. It takes a long time and a lot of practice. Trust me, it will get easier.
I'm glad you wrote to me. I hope you will again.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

steadychevy said...

I was checking your blog site frequesntly for a while and there was nothing new. Then all of a sudden there are 2 more postings and a multitude of comments.

I am so thankful that you posted again. I find that your posts and the discussion following them help me a great deal. I get some vicarious satisfaction. My FWS also reads them whern I point them out. I think the cold, hard truth about the effect on you and your descriptive way of voicing it has helped her see more clearly the effect of her selfish actions have had on me. She will never fully understand but I think she does get a clearer picture. She also gets the descriptive terms about the WS.

So I get some enjoyment, some insight, some feeling of not being alone, some comfort about the possibilities of the future and it has helped show my wife that the effects are real.

Thank you.

Ted

BS said...

Hi Anonymous:

I am sorry if you took my disagreement with you that a 20 year old is a child-woman as a personal attack.

It was not. It was a disagreement. So I agree to disagree, and I found the rest of your post valuable.

So please don't feel as if you have to stay away.

Shaun has mentioned numerous times in her blog and in a recent response to me that she does hold Richard responsible.

She even once referred to him as being on Jaymie like a snake on a rabbit, or something similar. That was why I was puzzled at the thought that someone might think, Shawn let Richard off easy or that she has not held him accountable.

I apologize for ASSuming you or anyone had not read all of her blog.

Shawn, IMO, has held accountable. And, as it should be, IMO. I am sure there are others whom may see thing differently. But I am open to that discussion.

As for the use of the word anonymous. There are a lot of anonymous posters here that are no where near as polite as you in their disagreements.

The mention of anonymous posting was not particularly directed at you except for the one comment highlighted from your post.

So, again, please stay and feel free to disagree with my opinions.

Hope said...

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if the person harassing you is an OW herself (like Miss Katen or someone similar) who's just bitter because her affair partner left her to go back to his wife! This is probably some sick, immature way of "getting back" at a wife who voices her opinion and doesn't take shit!! Lol. Or..... yes,it could be someone connected to Jaymie in some way. Sounds to me like some bored loser trying to get their kicks though. Anyways, good luck with it!

TryingHard said...

Shawn
I truly believe your troll is another OW who has probably been dumped or, boo hoo, mistreated by her married man. She's having fun enacting her revenge. How the hell she figured out how to contact Richard I have no idea. I've read your blog and can find nothing that indicates his law firm so she has to somehow know your history. I can't believe Jaymie would get involved in your life again. Surely it is someone who may know of her and the situation and is acting on her behalf. ORRRR maybe it's some bitter asshole tossed aside skank whore fucktard who really thinks she's very clever and getting to you!!! HAHAHA well nothing any of the skanks can do ANYTHING worse than our husbands have done or what we have done to ourselves in the aftermath. Don't give this imbecile the time of day!!! There is nothing you can do because all this internet harassment is so prevalent the authorities aren't even bothering with it unless some teenager slits her wrist because her friends said nasty things about her on FB!!!!

BTW EVERYONE IF YOU WANT A GOOD LAUGH GO TO MISS KATEN BLOG. It is hilarious and will totally make you feel better about your husband's affair. It is so sophomoric it is ridiculous. She sounds like some love lorn Monica Lewinsky talking about semen on his trousers from dry humping. She also talks about how she swoons over the married man and he doesn't even notice. She whines and he ignores her. IT IS HILARIOUS!!!!! Can't wait to read about her when she's crying because he dumped her like yesterday's trash!!!

Shawn, rock on sister. Fuck those trolls!! They can all bite our collective winning asses!!!

SanDiegoSunshine said...

As far ass "collective winning asses" ~> What are you winning exactly, do you think your man is a trophy? HaHaHa! A 60 year old pedo who lies, cheats, and preys on someone who could've been his granddaughters age? AND MULTIPLE TIMES? EW! Didn't Richard have hookers in the past too? You get no respect from me shawn, and you never will. Too weak and desperate with a huge lack for self esteem to see what is best for you. WISE UP WOMAN! Oh you won alright...the prize...the boobie prize. HAHAH! Enjoy him baby, enjoy him.

shawn thewife said...

To: SanDiegoSunshine: A local, huh?
Hear this and try to comprehend...There was nothing to win. There was never a contest. Richard didn't CHOOSE me. He never had any intention of leaving me.
Most cheaters don't ever want to lose their wives. They're just selfish pricks who want more! They can come around and realize what dick-heads they were and if they do, maybe with a shit ton of hard work, the marriages can be saved. Many times the marriages are improved because they become much more appreciated, never to be taken for granted.

Since I took the time to respond to your less than polite comment, would you please answer me this?
Are you the one that just sent me a new pic of Jaymie and Daddy James?? Love her little boy haircut!

The reader that sent the comment with the pic signed in as Miss K. That could be Miss Katen, but your comment above came in right after the pic so I'm wondering if Miss K is also you AND maybe Miss Katen?? It's like a Troll Triangle!

If you sent the pic, where did you get it? Unless you are a personal friend of Jaymie's, I can not imagine where the pic came from. If you are her friend, my guess is she would NOT be happy about you trolling & posting on my blog.
Whatever...you don't really bug me. You're kind of amusing. If you feel compelled to continue to bash me...knock yourself out.
Oh...and like TryingHard said..."Bite My Ass".
`shawn`

Karan said...

Shawn,

No offense to you as I love your blog, I hate to correct you but, when you ask the haters if they really think husbands leave their wives because they don't, that is FALSE. Husbands actually do and it happens everyday. I know personally several husbands who have left their marriages for the ow's. You see it everyday in Hollywood as well. Look at LeAnn Rimes, Tori Spelling, Angelina Jolie and the list goes on. So I'm sorry for correcting you but yeah, it is a very sad fact that gives a lot of other women hope. Sometimes it works out, sometimes not. And there is no doubt in my mind that if you kicked Richard out and you were completely serious, he might've tried to win you back, but if you were done, there is no doubt he would've been crawling back to Jaymie. It is such a likely scenario that I read often. Sorry to correct you. Hugs to you! xoxox

shawn thewife said...

Karan: there is no doubt many husbands do leave their wives after having an affair. They are such gigantic cowards. They are unhappy but, instead of trying to fix the marriage OR just leaving before cheating, they go out and find another woman to wash their underwear before they pack a bag. I truly hate those chicken shit bastards.

I don't like to throw wide blankets over my statements. I can only tell you what I've learned in the last few years. Opinions abound. What I write is what I believe to be true. What I said was MOST cheaters don't leave their wives. Most cases of infidelity do not end in divorce without the wife shoving the lying prick out the door.

Richard and I have talked about what would have happened if I had sent him out for good. I asked him if he thought he would have hurried back to Jaymie. His answer...a resounding NOT A CHANCE. That was over. I even asked how long he thought the affair would have lasted had I not found out? He said and I quote, "It probably had a shelf life of another couple of months." No way he would ever have made a life with her. She was a his fountain of youth. She was not a potential life partner.

Never worry about correcting me, challenging me or disagreeing with me! I don't claim to be the know it all of surviving adultery!! The only thing I know for sure is what NOT to do after DDay!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Karan said...

Shawn,

No offense to you once again, OF COURSE HE SAID "NOT A CHANCE", what was he suppose to say? Minimizing is a common theme as most of us know. And we already know cheaters lie and liars cheat. You seem so certain in your blog when you mention what Richard says to you. How do you take his word as bond? I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth after everything he put yo through. If he truly meant "not a chance" and a "shelf life of a couple months", I'm sure it wasn't because he didn't want her, it was because he knew he TAINTED that relationship. It was tainted. You deserve better and Jaymie deserved better. He wooed, charmed and f*cked her. She didn't have to bite the bait, but neither did he. These serial cheaters are master manipulators, so yeah of course he said that, as I am sure he meant it, but not in the way that you THINK he meant it. Just a little food for thought hun. Thanks for the update. xoxoxox

Anonymous said...

Shawn,

I believe Richard believes there was only a few months of shelf-life left, but that is coming from a place outside of the fog. My guess, there was a shelf-life for sure, but he first had to start to come out of his fog and then it would be a few months. And, that is the key, how long would it have taken him to start to come out of that fog? Short of discovery, is there anything that would have lifted the fog? And, do the answers to these questions change anything? This is such rough road and I am right there with you going through it. xx L

shawn thewife said...

Karan: Rest assured...I take no offense. I couldn't put it all out there for the world if I had thin skin.

You said, "I'm sure it wasn't because he didn't want her, it was because he knew he TAINTED that relationship."

First...You are SURE?? Wow. Must be nice for you to have such conclusive insight and intuition. Most betrayed spouses are not very sure of anything after DDay. It can take years to trust yourself again after being blindsided by infidelity.

Second: Richard's affair was not a relationship. That gives what he had with Jaymie way too much weight. It was a mistake made by a man with some serious self esteem problems. He told Jaymie lots of lies, just like he told me, to keep feeding his need for a taste of lost youth. Truly a classic case of a major mid-life crisis. You can't TAINT what is already impure and contaminated.

Third: I do deserve better and I have been getting all the best he has to offer since DDay.
Thanks for your concern, but I'm SURE I made the right choice working to heal my marriage.
Please continue to share your thoughts about my formerly wayward hubby and know from the get go that I'll be fine...no offense to worry about.
Hope & Hugs...Hun! Shawn

shawn thewife said...

L: I asked Richard specifically about how long he would have continued to see Jaymie if I never found out. He said he was getting so tired of the lies, the scrambling to see her and hide it all from me, he COULDN'T have done it much longer. He was physically and emotionally exhausted!
The fog was already lifting. Reality hit him smack in the face because he was a worn out old man! LOL!
The fog continued to abate right after DDay because of his enormous guilt and self-loathing. It was palpable. He was so ashamed and completely broken by the thought of losing his family. That man needed more IC than I did!

i love your last question..."Do the answers to these questions change anything?" Probably not for me. I'm in a very good place with Richard now. But, I certainly hope exploring what happened to me helps someone else dealing with adultery aftermath.
Thanks for reading and walking the Road to Happy with us.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Detra Jones said...

Hey Shawn, Can ya do another post having to do with "rocking the boat?" My WH doesn't rock the boat too often, but when he does, it's like you said, "WOH!" It's feels like physically your heart just caved in for a few seconds til you get yourself to wrap your mind around what he just did or said and my first instinct when this happens is, "I STAYED FOR THIS?" Hopefully you can relate to what I just said. Have you had anymore of these "rocking the boat" moments? I'll keep an eye out girl. Thanx.

BS said...

Shawn:

Just checked your blog at it seems like there has been a spate of rebuffed OWs trolling here.

Stay strong, sister.

The pathetic aspects of their troll postings are only surpassed by their pathetically low self esteem.

BTW for that one poster. A 20 year old girl is of legal age.

I know some people don't let facts cloud their illogical thinking and immature accusations. What a shame for them.

Pumpkin Kiss said...

I'm not sure why BS always assumes the trolls and people that post disagreeing with her are the ow's. She disagreed with me on a post a few months back and said the same thing. That I was an OW, when indeed I am a BS. And I am going to kindly make another statement that might not sit well with some of the BS including her. I ended up leaving my ex years ago, not because of his infidelities (although they did not help) but eventually because of other reasons. I got in touch with his OW years later by chance of a mutual friend. We sat & talked after hours outside of this club/lounge. All his lies became the truth. I got the full run down. And during the convo, I was trying not to get irked at the fact that she knew he was involved, she knew what she was getting into... until she told me all the lies he told her, mini vacas taken, time & money lost & promises made, devestated her world. A part of me thought, "well u did the crime u do the time" until she started to speak of her recovery & how deep the cut was for her. He really blew some serious smoke up her ass and she bit hard. She went through the same devestation I did. Hers mightve been worse. Did I really need to add to her misery back then or even now as I sat in front of her? No I didn't. We were both lied to, both fooled, and both of us had to recover. From the stories she told me, she paid and paid big and she took full responsiblity for her self sabotage and apologized more than I can count. I forgave her. We both see clearly the type of ass clown he is and most likely who he will always be. We feel sorry for his new wife, yes I said wife, lol that poor clueless thing.

BS said...

Pumpkin Kiss:

So you left your cheating spouse. That was your choice.

What I object to is people who denigrate other peoples' choices and rudely.

As for talking to the the OW.

Why in the universe would you ever believe a word she says.

Do you think she might have just a teeny tiny reason to lie to you?

Unless you saw her words in writing, and the words she CLAIMED your husband told her, you don't know the truth.

You only know what she told you.

If you want to defend some woman who effed a married man. You are free to do so.

And, I am free to think she likely lied to you just to build her own flagging self esteem.

Only someone who is highly competitive with other women would ever bother to eff a married man.

It's a waste of time, IMO.

Anonymous said...

I commented well over a year ago, and shared some thoughts that weren't popular here. I was immediately accused of being an "OW" without ever having been given the chance to discuss what it was, that I was attempting to share/relate.

In all fairness to Shawn, she invited me to please stay. But, I still felt as if this was not the blog for me, mainly b/c of the reader base that uses SHAWN'S BLOG to attack any comments that they don't agree with, as opposed to allowing a natural flow of conversation or debate (when written respectfully, of course.)

Shawn has always seemed to be able to respond with her OWN truth, yet remain respectful. She has answered direct questions through the years, even if they were critical of her choices or decisions. I admired her strength and her resolve to save her marriage, even though, I DID NOT AGREE WITH her thoughts on having ended up with anything special (i.e...Richard.) based mainly on this man's entire history. I STILL believe that this man is a habitual cheater and liar and that the ONLY reason he is staying in his marriage, is b/c he is old, and has no other options at this point. After years of living a life of lies and of lying to his wife, at 60+ years old, he suddenly "sees the light"? No. He just realizes that he has it better where he is, than trying to go start over at his age.

I think it is clear that Shawn attempts to use her story as a warning, but I am wondering when she is going to get to the end of this story? Does it ever end? At what point does continuing to tell this story, admittedly from "crazy town" finally get old? And while there are lessons to be shared, the basis of this blog is really about Jaymie. At first, I could get that. But now, years later, these entries are all STILL rehashing the past, all about Jaymie, and then have a sentence or two at the end, stating "not to go there."

Just seems like wrapping up the saga, at some point and moving into your REAL life and how you are coping, living, etc....while still offering advice and support, might be the more positive approach by now. What happens when the "story" is over? Does the blog end? Or, honestly....does the story just never end, b/c the anger very obviously hasn't?

I know that certain loyal readers will tell me to go F myself, and that's fine. But at some point, it just seems like rehashing SO MUCH negativity, is just pointless and really, just sad. Shawn has a wealth of knowledge based on her experience and ultimately her survival, and the survival of her marriage. I hope that if I log back on in a year or two, that maybe this blog will have taken the turn that is definitely over due. Rehashing the hatred and turmoil, this many years out.....is indicative deep down, of someone who is STILL living in it, regardless of the idea that this is all written from the past.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I must admit, you have a point. Sometimes I don't wanna go back and revisit that tumultuous time in my life. When does the story end? It is a perfectly logical question.
I think the story ends when I reach the day that I started this blog and found the Healing Heart message boards. That's when my real healing began.

Will the blog end when I reach that point? I hope not. I think that recovery from infidelity eventually ends, but healing from adultery does not. Confused?
By recovery I mean...surviving. Just finding a way to begin to heal. That took me way too damn long! That's why my story seems to be dragging out.
Even when healing finally begins, betrayed spouses always have scars...or to be more precise, imagine an old war wound, like a broken leg. The bone is set with pins and a cast, it heals, but sometimes, when the weather turns cold, it can ache like a son of a bitch.
That's where I am now. My broken leg is healed, but the scars are visible. My marriage is different than before, but that's a very good thing. Different doesn't mean my marriage isn't happy, just not the same as before. From time to time, I ache. Not often, but it happens. I have made friends here that help me when I find myself dealing with scars. Why would I want to abandon that?
I keep writing my story because I think there might be a few people that want to know how I finally found my way out of Crazy Town and started walking on my Road to Happy. Yeah...I know a lot of my story is about Jaymie, but wadda ya gonna do? For the whole first Year after the Affair I was ALL ABOUT Jaymie!

I never thought I'd still be writing. Hell, I didn't know what this blog was gonna be. If I had to label it now, I'd say it is my therapist. It is my confessional. It is my way to pay forward the support I found online back when I typed my first sentence on BlogSpot.
I get that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but as I've said before, I'd rather be someone's shot of tequila anyway.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Pumpkin Kiss: You are a much more understanding person than I think I will ever be. I respect that. I wish I had been more sympathetic to how Jaymie was sucked in by Richard. I know he worked her hard. Showed her a little slice of the good life, told her everything she wanted to hear and lied through his teeth to both of us! I guess I could have felt at least a little bit of compassion for the dumb ass co-ed...but No. Here's where I veered off the course of any forgiveness for Jaymie....She KNEW Richard was married. She had met me numerous times. She knew we had kids and he had told her we were happy! WTF?? Did I need to "add to her misery"? No. I didn't HAVE to. But I still say she deserved every bit of the shit I tossed her way.
The REAL issue for me is...the shit I tossed was flying back in my face. All the hate made it impossible for me to focus on recovery.

The path to healing must be easier when you let go of the hate and the anger for the OW. That is an ass-load of mind blowing animosity to deal with when added to the anger felt toward the REAL criminal...the cheating spouse.

I know some other readers are a tad outspoken about the path they chose. As you know, I try hard to let everyone have their say here. I hope you continue to share details of your Road to Happy.
The more stories shared means more healing options for all of us.
I'm so happy you found a path to healing that worked for you and I hope your ex's new wife never has to feel the anguish of infidelity.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

ME said...

Here are my two respectful cents. I honestly think nobody should criticize anyone for the way they heal. If Shawn writes, or someone leaves their husband and then talks to the OW, if you go to therapy or read the Bible and heal through God, or whatever, that is your very personal decision.

I saw a calendar the other day that said, Good people sometimes do bad things. That doesn't make them bad, it makes them human. I'm not trying to trivialize infidelity by saying the WS can just go OOOPS! Sorry! I'm not bad. But, if Shawn chooses to stay and/or Richard chose not to leave or whatever the case, why is it that they are settling because they are old? I think people should be given the chance to start over regardless of the circumstances, age and stage of life, or whatever. On Healing Heart, sadly, there are a few women who stayed because they had nowhere to go, and the WH really never changed. But if you have two people who want to do the work, regardless of the motivator(s), and the outcome is they can be happy together, why shouldn't you try to do that? Some people on here make that sound pathetic. I always said to myself, if my H ever cheats, we'd be done. It is not that cut and dry. I love my H. He f'd up, but I chose to try to work it out. I have kids, they would be devastated. We had so much good before the affair, why would I throw all that out because of a very bad and selfish decision? Conversely, if I had chosen to end the marriage, does that make me better than the spouses that stay? Stronger somehow because I had some sort of courage to leave? It takes courage to stay too. And even if you leave, you still have to heal. Leaving the WS isn't the magic potion that cures your brokenness. I have a dear friend whose H had an affair with their live in nanny. She kicked him out. She is now 10 years later with a wonderful man scared s-less to pull the trigger and marry him because she says, what if it happens again? So my point is: the effects of infidelity are so devastating, how you choose to deal with it, should be constructive yes, but it's your choice and your path. If you stay or leave, again up to you. But regardless of choice, it should be respected.

I also think the person who is doing this Shawn, knows you or Jaymie or Richard somehow. It's too personal for some random person to do something like that. Be careful. We care about you!!!

ME said...

Also, Miss Katen, I'm asking you to please cut it off with this married man. I'm saying this out of concern, believe me or not. I want you to know I pretty much forgave the OW in my case. She's sad: mother of two kids, two different baby daddy, doesn't know her bio dad, no college ed or career. Has always looked to a man to take care of her. She was going through divorce #2 and was needy and my H felt somehow like a hero helping her through it. They had a five month affair. My H swears he never intended to leave me and when I found out he said in his mind it was already over but guess what? It was not for her. She thought actions spoke louder than words and the fact that they slept together meant he really didn't love me. She continued to try to convince him they were meant to be together, and when she realized it really was over, it was awful for her. Men cheat for COMPLETELY different reasons than women. He did and does love me, he did not love her. And when she finally realized that, she drank herself into the ER and eventually rehab, and lost custody of one of her children. She had her own consequences. Meanwhile, we moved on with our own consequences. But basically, he compartmentalized the relationships and when they go too close together (I suspected two months before I got the proof) he end that one. The stats of men leaving their wives for an affair partner are incredibly low. Much higher for a women, they think it's love and they should be with that affair partner. Also, if two people who had an affair together end up together, the fog lifts and the relationship ends up losing the specialness because normalcy creeps in. The stats of those couples who actually make it are also incredibly low, and those who do make a go of it have trust issues. If you are looking for love, you will not get it with this man. He'll never leave his wife. Believe me, and save yourself the pain. If you are looking for sex, just look somewhere else where the man is not married. What you are doing is so incredibly wrong, and I'm not saying that to be judgmental. You are and will be part of hurting a slew of people when the affair is found out. And they are all found out. I clicked on your name but not your blog, and I believe the man just had a baby? Is it fair to the baby if that marriage ends because of your affair? The pain you will cause his wife, indescribable. You cannot understand that pain unless you are cheated on. It is life-altering. And you will cause yourself pain and issues in future relationships, you have to believe me. Please just end it and move on to something you can live out loud and not sneak around. Please.