Not this time. After receiving the most recent email tongue lashing, I crumbled. I had no more fight left in me. It was almost time to raise the white flag of surrender.
My first reaction after reading the email from Daddy James was to seek atonement from the Pastor. I remember I completely lost it. I was sobbing so hard I had to strain to catch my breath as I wrote to Pastor Jeff. I shared that email with you here: Rock Bottom
I may have dared to hope the Pastor might offer me some guidance. That didn't happen. Never heard a single pastoral peep from the man after I sent him the email of contrition. Daddy James must have been right on. That Pastor was pissed.....pissed and wise enough to steer clear of my marital mayhem.
My story timeline is now nearing the end of August, 2011, not quite a year after DDay. I wasn't close to finding my Road to Happy. I thought that Road might be permanently shut down for me. No passage allowed! Not surprising that I couldn't see my way to the Road. My real enemy had set up blockades so high and deep there was no way I could get a visual.
The real enemy threatened to smother me by fighting any attempts I may have made at moving forward.
I so wanted to kick my enemy's ass but I had no clue how I could accomplish that. At this point, I was ready to throw in the towel. For nearly a year, I had managed to distract myself from my real enemy. Bad form. If only I had been smart enough, strong enough and brave enough to face my real enemy, I am certain I would have spared myself a massive amount of suffering.
But....the real enemy scared the ever loving crap out of me on a daily basis. No wonder I avoided facing the person that was making my life hell. Truly, not a day went by that my real enemy didn't do something to strike fear in my dilapidated heart.
My mind began to shift inward. I'm not saying I gave up on getting answers from Jaymie just yet, but in my rational moments, I knew the answers for all my questions about Richard's infidelity would never come from her. You may think I felt Richard was my real enemy. Logical conclusion, but no. The grand title of My Real Enemy belonged exclusively to me.