After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Missed You!

In over 3 years, I have never been away from this blog for such an extended length of time.  I was checking for new comments every few days, but rarely responding and never staying on the pages for more than a few minutes.  I took a break for numerous reasons.

First:  Hello, Holidays!  The velocity of life most surely amps up during December leaving little spare time for contemplating matters as lofty as infidelity.

Second:  I have no interest in typing just to take up cyber-space.  Most of my posts over the years had purpose.  I needed to fix me.  I was compelled to tell my story to help me heal.  Hopefully it has served to guide a few other betrayed spouses to find their own Road to Happy, as well.
Until today, I had nothing worth sharing. (this one might not be either!)  I have been skipping on down my Road to Happy (LOL!  Now, that's an image!) with few speed bumps.  I may have crossed onto a trail known as "Ordinary".  My life feels almost conventional and typical, but not unexceptional.
:::Anyone that ventures into Crazy Town (me me me!) and finds their way back out deserves the label of exceptional. Our lives are exceptional in that we have survived severe trauma.  As those of you reading, beat back the beast of betrayal, remember to recognize small achievements as you walk on and give yourself props.  Negativity abounds during recovery.  Open your eyes to the positive:::

Third:  The page views of this story have jumped from around 300 - 500 a 2000!  I briefly considered Kim Jong Un might have interest in adultery!  But, nope.  South Korea hasn't been reading.   It's almost all from the good ole' USA.  I've learned a couple of things about navigating around the world wide web and I spent some time searching for the new traffic sources.  Here's where I ended up....Surviving Infidelity.
A member of that gigantic online support forum had found my blog and shared it with the group in a post that was later locked.  Not sure why, but no matter.  The message was delivered.  It seems that lots of betrayed spouses, hoping to reconcile, think my story is...what's the word???
Compelling?  Informative? Entertaining?
I think it's more like Cringe Worthy!!!  Whatever the reason, I welcome them to the family and hope they share their stories.  As I always say, walking the Road to Happy is so much smoother when you walk with others that have crossed the complicated paths previously.

And Lastly:  I miss you, People!  I wasn't pandering when I called the readers here "family".  Many times you have been my lifeline.  I thought writing it all down would help me heal, but that would never have been sufficient.  You, my friends, were a crucial part of my recovery.  You held my hand and dragged my ass out of Crazy Town.  I'm forever grateful.
I couldn't stay away any longer.  Still, I don't want to bore you.  I hope I never forget that I am writing for all of us now.  If you could, please take a minute and comment about what you want to talk about.  Let's make this a community blog.  I've never claimed to be a sage or expertly knowledgeable about recovering from an affair.  You all have the same thing I do...experience.   That's worth sharing.

It's been too long.  I promise to try and step out of my typical life.  I'm gonna get back on the Road to Happy with you more frequently.
Happy 2015, my Dear Readers!!  Hope & Hugs!


Cche said...

Hi Shawn, I am the one that posted on SI about your blog. I have no clue why it was locked...I'm not even sure want that means. I was hoping you were able to read my post after yours. If not here it is again.

Thank you. That is all I can say. Last Thursday was my 1 year Dday anniversary and holy crap, I was low. I googled "a year after the affair" and there you were. I started reading and the the relief I felt was overwhelming. Pre A, I was a confident, outgoing, and had my act together. In one moment of reading his fucking emails, my world shattered. I lost my mind first, and then I felt like I lost everything else. First and foremost I had convinced myself that I lost my dignity by losing control of my emotions on more than one occasion. I spent a lovely afternoon in an empty parking lot screaming my lungs out, on my knees in my driveway screaming, and on my back porch having a good scream. Thankfully I live in the country. Through your honesty I realized that I am not crazy, just really really hurt and sad. I have to release the pain somehow. That does not mean I have lost my dignity.

Something that I have had the hardest time with is the overwhelming urge to tell the other woman how badly she has hurt me. Everyone says "it isn't about the other woman". I know deep down this is true, but it still does not stop me from wanting to hurt her too. She wanted my house, my children, she wanted to be a stay at home mom, and she asked my husband to leave me and our children for her and her children. That is more than I can fathom. I worked hard for this family, I take care of my husband, and put up with a lot of bullshit. To see in black and white that she wanted to take that away from me is something no woman should ever have to experience. I have sent her some texts and a couple of voicemails but I know she probably could care less. It isn't right, but now I know Im not unforgiving or crazy. Im hurting and reacting.

I feel horrible when I read some of the scathing comments people leave on your blog. I cannot imagine those people have ever been cheated on, because they just do not get it. You handle them beautifully and with class.

I know you hear it a lot, but thank you Shawn. Your words have helped make me laugh, heal, and feel validated.

shawn thewife said...

Cche: I did get to read your response before they blocked the thread. Thank you for your kind words. I also just replied to your new thread about why the other was blocked. I'm so glad you posted about my blog. It brought me back to SI and I haven't been there for years! It was always a little over whelming to me. So big! I found support on the Healing Heart. Much smaller and more personal. The link to those message boards is on the bottom of my blog.

Here's a little advice from one previously "crazy" BS to another...Let the Bitch-Whore go. She isn't worth another nano-second of your precious time and energy. The more you keep her in your life, the more she takes from you. You can give her power or you can make her irrelevant.
She took enough from you. Don't give her anymore. Take the healing home, my friend.

I'm so glad you found me.
I wish you didn't need to.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Oh, Crap! I have just been suspended from the Surviving Infidelity forum for 24 hours! I'm so naughty! The message said I have been "promoting my blog".
Yep! I'm all about promotion around here. I wish I could fit more ads on my homepage!! LOL!

The Healing Heart never banished me for talking about my blog. They see it for what it is, therapeutic! I guess SI has so many members they get to pick and choose who can reach out and who should be shut up.
I emailed the admin staff. Looking forward to their response.
Hugs! Shawn

Cche said...

I got a time out from the reconciling format for making a joke about castrating my husband. Also for calling the OW a derogatory name. Honestly, if I can't vent about the OW I don't see the point. Oh well.

strong survivor said...

How Ironic. You got suspended for promoting your blog with a post promoting their site. Awful. I have found some help there, myself. In fact, I found them before anything else. I don't go there too much anymore because I think doing so only makes it worse and scratches the scab. And I don't need that. I'm 6+ years out and I still don't feel settled. Honestly, (I've written this before) my husband is my trigger so I'm not necessarily out of crazy town - although I don't contact anyone or look for things anymore.

I love reading your words, Shawn. WHen I read them I think, "I would really like to go have a drink with her!" You are someone close to my heart. I have missed your writing when you have taken breaks and am always happy when I get a notice that you've been back.

I've done an awful lot of work to save my marriage. What I've found is that it never ceases to be a roller coaster - for me. I go through happy periods where we are intimate, happy, loving etc. And then I somehow fall into a valley of the truth of what happened and how I feel like I am betraying myself by staying. I can't seem to get past the details, lies, timeline, etc. Then we seem to take a break from the happy for a while for me to re-group. I work hard again at what I believe I want - my marriage, happiness, family, etc. and things get better again.

It feels like a cycle I'm stuck in. My husband does what he needs to and works hard. I think, deep down, I don't believe a word he says - ever - when he talks about how much he loves me, how beautiful he thinks I am, how wonderful he thinks I am. When he says those words - all I think of is: "Then why did this happen and how can I believe you?"

But when I read about others who have gone through this trauma, and it is a trauma, I feel stronger and better about myself. Today I think maybe I go into a valley because I haven't sought out the strength of others when I need it.

So thanks for being there - always - for being that woman who sounds like someone I would love to go out and have a drink with and lots of laughs with :-)

Juleth said...

Hey Shawn. I like all other BS's, will never forget dday. I was already reading Not Just Friends because for about 3 months I was suspecting something, he was getting very close to an old friend. In the book were a few internet sites to help the betrayed. That is how I found healing heart, where I went just a few days after dday - lucky I found it so early, truly. You were one of the very first people to respond to me and welcome me to the unfortunate betrayed club. Your link was there, so I clicked on that too. I spent the next hour reading your story, which had me in tears, sick to my stomach from identifying with you, and laughing as well! What I always appreciated about you was your raw authenticity. I loved that part of it what was NOT to do, and that you had no bones about sharing all of that too. I think a big message, at least for me, was forget about the OW. This was big for me, because she at one time had been a friend to me, too. So it was almost like a double betrayal and I just wanted to know why, or maybe get an apology. Or just some acknowledgment of my pain. You were key in getting me to see, she does not matter. You will never understand why. You will probably never get a (meaningful) apology. And she'll never feel the pain you feel. You didn't factor in her decision to cheat with your husband, so you aren't about to factor in now. And in your funny way you showed us what NOT letting go of her and actually dragging her into your life does for your healing: nothing. This was big for me, to let her go. I still wonder from time to time, but it doesn't hurt, and it doesn't matter anymore.

I agree it's disappointing to see the people who just don't get it. Most of them probably were not a betrayed, some were likely the betrayor, but a few were betrayed and were flat out judgmental in our reactions. I always wonder why, especially for those people. It's like telling someone whose child died to just get on with your life. Healing is different for everyone and while I love sharing at the end of the day, that's all it can be. You can't make anyone heal, heal faster, and you darn well should not judge that. I again appreciate that you share anyway and don't let it stop you from sharing, because you are helping others!

I agree with strong survivor: I'd like to have a drink with you, hahaha...and probably could, I know you live near me....tour de whatever that post was!!!

Keep doing you Shawn, you have helped a ton of people. I'm glad you have normalcy again - that's great! Beats the alternative. I hope it continues on and on and on!

XX Juleth!

1Faith said...

My post on tribute to YOU.

Thanks for sharing your story and the love and the laughter.

I was too a resident of Crazy Town but you made me feel okay about it. Thank you.

SI post

I thought I would share this link and post with you from Shawn who writes a blog named
A Year After The Affair

Shawn is the reason I found SI in the first place so not only have her post made me laugh when I thought I'd never smile again, she also lead me to all of you so I am eternally grateful.

I thought it was worth sharing with all of you.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

shawn thewife said...

1Faith! That is a very kind gesture and I appreciate it more than you know, but I hope it doesn't get you banned from SI, too. I think I am banned...not just suspended. The webmaster accused me of creating the fake Robin username or having someone else do it for me. It's just nuts!
I know they are volunteers and I'm sure they do the best they can, but come on! They can accuse me of promoting my blog. That's their take on it. BUT...don't question my integrity or imply I'm dishonest. That will not fly.

Anyway...thanks a bunch, 1Faith. You're a doll. Hope you're walking strong on your Road to Happy. Share an update when you can.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I'm typing this with tears in my eye's. It has been only 3 month's since I found out my husband of almost 40yrs (17th March this year) and the only man in my life for 42 since I was 16,has been having an affair with a Filipino whenever he could fly to Manila( various excuses,like seeing workmates who lived there) for over 18mths now.During this time he treated me more Iike a housekeeper when he was at home and any physical act's were brought about by me with him not being able to rise to the occasion. I demanded to know a year ago if there was anyone else, to which he replied, no. He said he would treat me better but I then found out he was calling someone after his last trip. He said he only had a few drink's with her a few nights at the end of the holiday !!! Nothing happened. Since then I have found out that he rang her Xmas morning 2013 before I got up and then proceeded to act like normal with the family for the rest of the day. He also rang her just before midnight New year's and also after the celebrations for his 60th party in July 2014 which I had made the effort to make an amazing cake with him and a replica vintage bike( his love) in fondant which everyone,even him said looked so life like. I'm living with my 80yr old mother now as she need's me and the pain is unbearable. Separation division of asset's has been approved by the court's but I can't see any future for myself, whilst he has her waiting in the wing's to take my place. Really,she took it already

BS said...

Strong Survivor:

Some advise from a BS who is finally fully happy. Take what works and disregard the rest.

Not all marriages can survive an affair. Each situation is unique.

Some marriages should NOT survive an affair. It all depends on the circumstances surrounding it and the way the spouse treats you in aggregate.

With that said, If things are mostly good, and you still feel as if you are betraying yourself by staying that MAY mean that there are still some unaddressed issues in the marriage.

It MAY mean YOU STILL feel as if YOU are compromising too much.

Can you find a good counselor.

No one is perfect, If things are good in general then it's worth working on your marriage, IMO.

A good counselor can help you tease out the reasons you still feel as if you betrayed yourself by staying.

It can take seven years to finally forgive yourself for staying, or so I have been told. I am not at seven years.

But last year, I decided to just let it go. Things have been so much better since. Better for me. My husband was and still is a good man, despite his affair.

I would hope he would forgive me had I been the one to indulge in a romantic fantasy with another man.....and I have always had fantasies about other men. Haven't you?

This blog helps. Seeing Shawn's visit to crazy town and her confidence today. Helps.

Shawn, happy happy happiest of New Years to you.

Hugs, BS

Lonelywife said...

Hi, Shawn. A member of SI shared your blog with me when I posted about my anger towards my husband's affair partner. I wanted to harass her, which I knew was wrong, so I turned to SI instead, and I am so glad I found your blog. After having read every post, I was able to let go of those feeling and put my effort into my marriage.

D-day was 10-15-14, exactly one month before our wedding. These past three months have been the worst of my life. I decided to go through with the wedding. We moved to a new city in August, and after D-day, many of our friends have left us and decided not to stand up in the wedding. Reading your blog made me feel less alone. I'm only sad that now I have to wait for you to post more.

Thanks so much for sharing your story. It truly has helped me in my own healing process

Cassie said...

An old roommate of mine works for a phone sex website and she says about 80% of her clientele are married and their wives are totally clueless, as they pay for phone time with a personal pre-paid cc.

Alot of them are into kinky things (crossdressing, cuckoldry, humiliation) and other fetishes that their wives have no clue about.

This blog isn't just for the betrayed, this blog is to remind the "happily married" to keep very close tabs on their husbands as well. You just never know who you are married to sometimes.

shawn thewife said...

Lonelywife: I could not be more sorry for your suffering. You have found friends, here and on SI. I also send readers to the Healing Heart. It is a very small group. We get to know each other fairly quickly and it just seems so much more personal to me than SI which is so gigantic! The link is on the bottom of my blog.
I hope your WH is remorseful and that you are in MC. I can't imagine starting a marriage while trying to heal from DDay. Wow. You must be one very tough cookie.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Trish said...

I am 15 months past DDay, well actually 9 from the real truth. I have been in and out of crazy town for months, I hate when I go there. I decided to stay with my H b/c this is so out of his character and the OW is or was a psycho friend who wanted my life..

There have been more good days then bad and when I found your blog I was thrilled to read your story and all the posts with it.

On the days when I question my decision to stay I have to come on here and find some comfort from others who have made it.. I am forever changed and have not yet decided whether for the good or bad. I use to like who I was before this, now I don't know who I am..

Thank you all for sharing it has opened my eyes and I know unfortunately I am not alone...


Julia said...

Hi Shawn,

I am a new reader. I spent quite a few hours reading your story yesterday. It touched me, and so I wanted to reach out.

I am eight months post DDay although in my case, my husband confessed to a twenty month affair - I had absolutely no idea, was never suspicious, nothing. I have a partner in Crazy Town - the OW. He had apparently been trying to break it off with her on and off since it started, basically, although he was much too weak and pathetic to actually do so, particularly when she would threaten to tell me. I guess he finally had enough and decided he would just tell me himself. Further complicating my situation, we moved abroad five months before he told me because he took a job to get away from her (she worked with him), but all of this was unbeknownst to me. I thought we were going on an adventure.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I am dealing with my own sporadic visits to Crazy Town, away from my friends and family (thank goodness for the internet!) but have also had to deal with her visits to Crazy Town as well, which have been very painful for me, particularly since I just discovered her blog in which she suggests that I am an emotional abuser and a whore (my husband sure knows how to pick them!). It seems she is convinced that I am the only thing standing between her and her "true love".

I'm not sure why I'm telling you all of this, except maybe to establish my street cred on this topic :) I wanted to thank you for your blog and for sharing your experiences. It was such a relief to learn about hyper-coupling, that other betrayed spouses still think about it despite moving on (I get so frustrated with myself), to realize that my engagement of the OW, which I am still ashamed of, was also normal (I haven't done that since three weeks post DDay), that te urge to tell everyone is also normal (and I also regret that - very glad I didn't tell my mother). Thank you.

Also, as an aside? Anyone who leaves negative comments either hasn't been through it or is denial. The pain is so intense, I feel as though I can't even talk to anyone who hasn't been through it before. People - my best friends, sometimes - tell me such platitudes that they actually make me angrier! "At some point, you have to stop thinking about her/it/what a dick your husband was". Um, fuck you. You have no idea.

Anyway, thanks.