After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The End of Jaymie, Part 1

You know what?  I could waste another entire post telling you all about how I spent the rest of the night after I was pummeled with the news of my impending trip to El Cajon Court, a command performance for the judge that refused to sign off on the Non-Clets agreement.
I could admit how much wine I drank while seeking a means for my survival when having to be in the same zip code, let alone the same damn stuffy courtroom with Jaymie, from the angels of the Healing Heart.
I could wax quite eloquent (that might be a bit of a reach!) about my excessively dutiful husband and how he was struggling to come to grips with the SNAFU that was our Plan A.
I could type a page full of words, forming sentences, some interesting to read, others just placed there to elaborate so I can hear myself talk.  Stretching out the inevitable.  Trying to entertain with my tale of trauma. must know I can squander cyberspace if you've followed me for long!

But, I owe you all better than that.  I deserve better than that.  Let's just cut to chase.  We're within two last posts of the End of Jaymie in my life.  Can I get an AMEN?!

Sleep came at a premium that night, but there was no way I was gonna resort to medication to knock me out.  I wanted to be at my most alert when I walked into court the next morning.  Armed with astute advice from my time spent on the Healing Heart, my attitude was not what I had anticipated.  I can't say I was anxious to get on with it, but I sure was not over whelmed with trepidation. 

In the morning as I rose and enjoyed my tea, the day seemed non-threatening.  I continued to be very pleasantly surprised by my demeanor.  I showered and dressed, carefully selecting the perfect articles of clothing from my embarrassingly over stuffed closet.
You know I made sure I looked GOOD.  Black slacks tucked into tall black, very well polished riding boots.  Black and white silk blouse with a long knit black vest.  Just the right amount of jewelry and make up to be a veritable style icon, while showing the proper respect to the venue.  Pulled my hair back in a Sarah Palin-esque twist.  With my black glasses, I could have passed for her younger, taller sister.   I was going for a stellar combo of hot and business smart and I think I nailed it.
As my dear friend and business partner, Nikki, says...I was smellin' the fart!  LOL!
Crude, but hilarious.  Cracks me up every time as I am a huge fan of potty humor!  In case you don't get it, it means I felt like a world class bad ass.  No one was gonna bring me down.
BTW...Nikki met me at court.  She would never let me face the bitch whore alone.

Richard and I had to take two cars because he had to go to work after our morning meeting with the judge.  I don't think he had any clue what to expect.  I didn't either, but I just knew I'd be fine regardless.
I don't want to belabor the point of how pivotal the guidance from my online friends was for me, but I certainly can't neglect it either.  They gave me courage when I needed it most.  The instruction given to me online the previous night was this:
Hold my head up.  Be Strong.  I did nothing wrong!
Simple and absolutely exactly what I needed to hear.

Many of you and most of Jaymie's clan would disagree with the 'I did nothing wrong' part of the inspirational mantra.  Some might say I did a whole lotta shit wrong.  Maybe so, but in the end, I had tried to do the right thing.  I signed the Non-Clets agreement.  I didn't cling to the dream of public humiliation for Jaymie.  I "Moved On".

If you ever find yourself being summoned into court, I hope you can feel the same.
Unimpeachable and Righteous.  I sure wasn't innocent, but I felt guiltless.
I'm not gonna try to convince you I wasn't apprehensive about how this morning would go down.  As usual, I'm trying to convey precisely what I remember about the experience.  There were a couple of stray butterflies in my gut as I drove south to court, but not enough to cause intestinal distress.
Looking back, it is curious how relatively calm I felt.  Of course, that was on the drive.  I hadn't seen Jaymie's skeletal face yet.

'D' didn't want Richard to come to court.  Can you believe that shit??  I insisted on a united front.  Of course, Richard wanted whatever made me happy.  The plan was to meet 'D' and Nikki in the court cafe.  Richard said they had the best little breakfast bargain ever.  2 eggs, 2 pieces of bacon, toast and coffee for $3.99.  With the aforementioned butterflies taking up residence in my tummy, I would have to pass on the awesome deal.
We found a comfy booth and while Richard squirmed nervously, 'D' began to prep us for what he deemed was routine in these circumstances, the judge just asks each of us to state for the record that we agree with the order and then he signs it.
'D' told us where we should sit in court depended on where Jaymie and her crew planted their butts.  Her support system would probably be Geek Boy and Daddy James. We should sit in front of them so as not to cause undo dismay by staring at the backs of their pin heads.  'D' thought she may have a bigger entourage, but I was confident she didn't want an audience to witness the details of her shameful lack of social graces and possible residual comeuppance.

The clock showed less than 20 minutes to launch.  There had to be a pee stop and fresh lipstick application before we proceeded upstairs.  Nikki and I left the boys, telling them we would meet them at the elevator.  As of yet, there had been no bitch whore sighting.  That was about to change.

Nikki and I walked out of the cafe, stepped around the corner of the hallway to the right and almost strolled directly into Jaymie.  I'm not adding this little moment for dramatic effect, People.  It was a total shocker but I am happy to report that I was beyond cool.  I smiled in her direction ('D' would not have approved!) without making actual eye contact and turned back to Nikki, casually laughing as if she had just shared another comical bit of potty humor with me.  In my peripheral vision, I noted Geek Boy and Daddy James gawking, as if in abject horror, at the sight of me.
I leaned closer to Nikki and whispered, "There she is.  That's her.  Don't look now, but that's Jaymie."
Gotta give Nikki credit.  I would have given myself whiplash spinning my head around like that poor little girl in the Exorcist, to get a peek at the slut that had been the torment of my best friend for a year.  Nope.  Not Nikki.  She didn't even flinch.  She just kept walking but as we turned left into the ladies room, she cast a quick glance backward.

The thing about Jaymie that Nikki noticed immediately was her hair...or lack of it!  Nikki, wide eyed, blurted out, "What the hell is with that awful hair?"
I was astounded by Jaymie's new look, as well.  She had allowed someone to whack off her less than luxurious locks into a pixie!  It was such a bad alteration, I wondered if perhaps she had diced and cleaved it off on her own without the benefit of a reflective surface.  I know that in school she used to cut herself.  Maybe this was another form of self mutilation.  She looked like a scrawny school boy.  I confess, as small and superficial as it seems, this pleased me.

This is as good a place as any to pause.  The next post will be the End of Jaymie.  It will start with the news that Jaymie decided to change her mind.  I guess after getting another look at me, she decided she wanted a legal order with teeth.  No more Non-Clets.  She wanted it all on the record and listed with law enforcement.  Guess there would be a battle after all.
The End of Jaymie was gonna be an event to remember.


TryingHard said...

OMG. THIS IS GREAT! I vantage wait to hear the end and DONT LEAVE ANYTHING OUT:)

Ok so I'm just going to say it and I'm sure the haters will have a hey day wit it. I don't care.

I can dress, walk, stand, glacé, look with so much intimidation. When you were describing what you were going to wear and look like I could so relate. I was taught early by my mother. She was french. I knew how to wear kitten heals without wobbling at 12. I had hair and makeup down at 14. I dress with class and carry myself the same. No mom jeans for me. I wear the occasional yoga pants an d tshirt but they are always well made and presentable.

I used to wash my car by where the OW used to work. I made sure she saw me drying it off and I was dressed for her to gawk. I actually caught her one time looking out the window at me. I flipped my long, blond hair, flashed a lipsticked smile and left. Oh yeah she also got a good look at my new car which was fun since she was driving a taped up 1990 Pontiac because we had her car repossessed!

Hey my H and I are going to your neck of the woods Santa Barbara tomorrow for a long weekend. Wish me luck though because that is where I ran away to during the DDay maelstrom....I think we will have a great time none the less.

Great post. Can't wait to hear the rest.

shawn thewife said...

Trying Hard: please make it a point to enjoy every second of this trip! When a negative thought creeps in...use the brain worm mantra! I do not need to think about this now. It will not help me to think about this now. I will not think about this now!
Focus on all things that make you happy!!
Enjoy, my friend!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

TryingHard: one more thing.....We love the Palace restaurant in Santa Barbara. So fun and yummy!
Check it out!
Hope & hugs again! Shawn

TryingHard said...

Thank you so much Shawn, I will do just that. We are going to enjoy every minute because it will be a while before we can go any where else. Work is crazy busy and we are having a grand daughter in September so life is going to get even busier but a good busy.

We love California. We haven't been to San Diego yet but it is definitely on our list. Thanks for the restaurant recommendation. I will check it out!

shawn thewife said...

TO: The Real Robby Sterling or Irish Momento or whatever you wanna call yourself today....Once again I will not publish your comment because it doesn't hold any value for anyone.

I'd let it go if was just a rant that disagrees with me, but that's not what it is at all. For some reason, I have really shoved a burr way up your butt and what seems to chap you the most is that I continue to rip Jaymie. If you don't like it, stop reading because I can't imagine I'll ever have anything decent to say about her. As a matter of fact, you just make me want to mention what a piece of lying white trash she was and probably still is.
Yea...that felt good. Thanks.

It's fairly obvious you don't have the guts to have a real conversation. There's no way I'm gonna change your POV and I could care less. If you change your tightly closed mind and want to share why you have such a visceral disdain for me and my "fucking sob story", use my email.
No reason my readers should be subjected to any more of your useless interruptions and outbursts.

You are right about one thing...I do have a control freak side of me. There is no denying that. That's why it makes me ever so happy that I can shut your angry ass right up by hitting delete.
I just got a nice warm shiver of satisfaction.

Let me know if you ever learn to communicate on a constructive level. No worries...I won't hold my breath.

BS said...

Shawn blogged: I guess after getting another look at me, she decided she wanted a legal order with teeth. No more Non-Clets. She wanted it all on the record and listed with law enforcement.


I think seeing you, in all your cuteness and class, and realizing that although she presented herself as a sex object to a married man, she really didn't like being treated like one.

The only way Jaymie could lash out at you was to deny you your legal request.


Enjoy your trip.

MaryKay said...

Thank you so much having the courage to post your tale in all its unflattering glory. I am a few months into my own trip to Crazy Town, feeling enraged and out of control and hating who my husband's affair has turned me into. I've had some truly insane revenge fantasies, but in the end I limited myself to outing her on one of those nasty cheater sites.

Three months later, rather than feeling better, I feel worse. I lowered myself to her ugly level and no longer hold the moral high ground. I hurt her innocent husband, and may face a slander lawsuit from her. So not worth it!

I wish I had found your blog in the early days of my pain, as it might have saved me some. Now I just look forward to reading the end of your story. You obviously survived and turned out OK. I hope I will too.

shawn thewife said...

BS: You might be right. Maybe she lashed out after she saw me because she was pissed off that she had been pissed on. Maybe the sight of me just scared the piss out of her! Who knows? Who cares??
Certainly not me!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

I really hate to be the one to tell you this, but it very well may get worse before it gets better. The Road back to Happy is an excruciatingly long journey and you should not try to navigate it on your own.

You are already way ahead of where I was at 3 months out! You learned very quickly that you need to let the bitch whore go! Get her out of your life ASAP!
At first, many of us want to try and hurt her the way she hurt us....not possible, so why try? We need to face the one that REALLY damaged us...our wayward husbands. That is where the Road back to Happy actually begins.
That not feel badly for lashing out at her! You are normal! The shock of DDay makes is traumatic! We can not be blamed for reacting with anger.

Please consider counseling, marriage and individual. Both can be such a wonderful flotation device when you feel like your sinking.
And maybe check out the wonderful members of the Healing Heart.
You can always come back here. You have found a safe place filled with many others that get it.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

MaryKay said...

Yeah, counseling, Healing Heart, and some really great friends are the lines keeping me grounded to reality these days.

I hear the Road to Happy takes 2 to 5 years to walk, and I'm only 5 months along. Again, however, I am grateful for the internet and women like you who put yourselves out there. You're like lighthouses, or public service announcements, trying to keep the rest of us from falling off. :)

Liz said...

Ok so I have been a long time reader of Shawn's blog. I was pretty sure I had read all of Shawn's posts maybe not all but most. Then I learned I must have missed a few posts back in 2012. I was on an infidelity board & I was sticking up for Shawn because someone was calling her a fraud. I said what in the world makes her a fraud? Well apparently in the comment section of the 2012 post titled "It always something", Shawn admits to having two affairs on Richard years ago!!!! WHAT????? Are you kidding Me Shawn??? I've gone all this time consoling you & sticking up for you & trashing Jaymie? Holy cluster fuck! My view of this blog has totally changed. Shawn, you my dear are just as effed up as Richard. How self righteous of you to write this blog like you are some traumatized victim. I mean get real! Sorry I won't be returning. SHAWN CAN DO WHATEVER SHE WANT TO WHOEVER SHE WANTSBUT GOD FORBID ANYONE WRONGS POOR LITTLE SHAWN. I feel bad for Jaymie. She got sucked into a world with a bunch of adult children, nut jobs I should say.

Anonymous said...

I so don't feel bad for jamie. I so want to read what happen. Please post it soon and wow I read this blog in three hours not only do I feel better but I so want to tell u that u rule. Wow I seriously have no words but wow. Now please write what happens next. I wish I could see a pic of the whore.

Anonymous said...

Liz, I think it's safe to say reading comprehension isn't your strong suit???!!

Kate M. said...

If my memory serves me right, Shawn wrote about her own infidelities in the early days of the blog. She and Richard both had brief dalliances many years ago, in the early years of the marriage. She never did it again, and they lived for many years in a committed and happy marriage, the infidelities FAR behind them. Raising a family, the sweet normality of life... that had been her reality for decades. The past was so far behind them... like a brief stretch of road you had been on once, waaaay back when, that you never expected or intended to see again.

True understanding sometimes requires a certain level of empathy, and not everyone is willing to go there. It's too much work for some. I have never cheated, I am a betrayed spouse, and I am able to have understanding and compassion for Shawn's pain. When I first read about her own infidelities years ago, I'll admit it did throw me more than a little... but I decided in that moment that it was another opportunity in life to deepen my own ability to expand in the ways of empathy and understanding. I did the inner work of putting myself in her shoes as much as I could, and found that I was able to understand the pain and anger she felt when she discovered Richard's betrayal a few years ago. I got it. I get it.

Empathy is a choice.

Reconcilliation rockstar said...

Hi Shawn
I couldnt believe what I was reading when I read Liz's post. So I decided to backtrack myself and find what she was talking about and came across this ..

"I have written about this before. 20 - 25 years ago, I had 2 affairs also. One was a one night stand, one got a little more serious...for my affair partner, not me. We only had sex a couple of times (Actually maybe only once. I can only remember once!) I didn't turn him away. I encouraged him until I became bored. I liked the fact that he wanted me. It was kind of a game.
But, the hooker 5 years ago and of course, Jaymie, are a whole different animal!"

I have to say I was stunned. I have always assumed that you were writing with the same perspective as me, as someone who has been absolutely faithful to her husband and her marriage for many years (26 in my case) but who had suffered the trauma of a husbands infidelity. I have struggled to understand how my husband could have done this to me, to have risked everything for his friday fuck buddy ( who he had given up on before I found out). Your own past experiences must have given you a certain amount of understanding about how affairs can happen so you would have had fewer questions needing answered by Richard. I on the other hand have no clue how the mind of an adulterer works.
I dont really know why I have such a feeling of disappointment to learn of your own infidelities.
But all that said I want you to know that your blog and the responses to it have pulled me through some of the darkest days of my life. Almost 13 months ago I wondered whether life was even worth living any more. I couldnt bear the pain I was in and felt so alone. No-one except me, my husband and the whore of course knows about the affair so when I had no one to talk to your blog was a huge source of support.

I hope new readers will not dismiss the blog as a result of this. YOuve seen both sides of the story and maybe its because of this that you can offer that virtual shoulder to cry on.

I hope you continue to provide a forum for spouses who are going through the agonies and repercussions of an affair.

I am happy to report that my marriage is in a great place. There are still days when the tears flow and very occasionally uncontrolable sobbing but they are few. The best fix for it is a hug from my husband. He was an idiot but he's a keeper :-)

Warmest hugs

shawn thewife said...

Just a quick note to let you all know, I'm Back!!!
August is a busy work month for me and I squeezed in an amazing family vacation, too.
I am exhausted, doing enough laundry to clothe a small city, dreading the pile of mail on my kitchen counter and pouring through your comments and emails.
I wanna address every issue, but now isn't the time. If I'm gonna spend time writing today, it must be brief.
I think it's more important to finish the story than talk about how I could have cheated over 25 years ago and still have been hurt when Richard was with Jaymie.
For now...I'll just say, I was young and dumb. That's not an excuse, just a straight up fact. I wish I could take it back.
Richard was cheating at the same time. We were both selfish. If I'm gonna go back an analyze why we behaved so badly during the first few years of our marriage, I'm gonna need much more time than I have to spare right now.
I have a story to finish.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn
PS...Missed you all!

Anonymous said...

I also find it ridiculous that you're blogging about how much of a victim you are when you did this to your Husband and he to you in the past. Why don't you both stop dragging other people into your marriage all while slinging their names through the mud, and grow up. Either be together or don't. Since infidelity is a mutual epidemic in your marriage, it only takes common sense to see you don't like each other all that much. The thing that's really annoying about the whole thing is that you have trashed Jaymie to the point where if you try Googling her name, it comes here first. The irony in that is, if anyone takes the time to read this blog (that you direct them to yourself), then they will see who the truly messed up people are. Jaymie did wrong, but she must not be so bad to have family and friends who love and support her regardless of her mistakes. Maybe that's another thing you can't stand about her though. Btw, you show all the signs of raging narcissism, Shawn. You might wanna see a therapist for that.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: My blog might be ridiculous, but it works for me.
I write for me. I write the truth. I tell the story to purge my demons, continue healing my heart and with any someone else along the way.

I assume you're a friend of Jaymie's if you Googled her to find this blog. I almost felt bad about the Google thing until I realized, I'm sure this blog comes up when someone Googles me, too.
This is just MY story, MY side , MY perception, MY choices. To some that may sound selfish and narcissistic. To other betrayed wives, probably not so much. It helps to know you're not alone in your pain. That when you are betrayed, going for an extended stay in Crazy Town is not that unusual.

For what it's worth...there is only one more post that will involve Jaymie in anyway. (Can't promise I won't slam her a little from time to time because it's just so easy!) After that, the blog will change direction. It will become about what I did RIGHT to heal my shattered heart and not all about the mistakes I made trying to regain my sanity.
Thanks for the advice on the therapy.
Been there. Done that.

shawn thewife said...

Reconciliation Rockstar:
I, too, had been faithful for over 25 years when Richard cheated with Jaymie. My poor choices were made early in our marriage when both of us were too damn selfish to take our vows seriously.

This blog began because I was desperate. I wanted to heal but I had no idea how or even IF it could happen. I thought writing about my year in Crazy Town may help clear my over-wrought mind.
It worked and no one was more surprised than me.
Know why? Because of readers like you! Other betrayed spouses that understood my struggle. Readers that needed support just like I did.
Thanks for being there. Thanks for the kind words. It means more than you know.

So happy to hear you are on your Road to Happy. Keep walking, my friend. It gets smoother.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Nope, I have no idea who she is. I was actually reading your blog, clicked on your profile where you have her whole name listed. I then Googled her, just as I assume you want people to do. Seems you didn't account for the fact that some might not see you as an innocent victim in all this. I hope the therapy on your narcissistic personality disorder worked for you. Glad you've been there and done that.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I try very hard to admit when I am wrong. I'm pretty damn stubborn, but I try.
In that regard...Thanks for reminding me about the name on my profile. It's now gone.
When I began this blog ..what is it? Three years ago now? Wow. Anyway....when I started I had all our full names and pictures on the homepage. I wasn't just about calling out Jaymie. I was about getting it ALL OUT of me! It felt like a total open book policy was the only way to go.

When Jaymie found the blog, I rethought the privacy issue and removed all the pics and last names. I forgot about that full name on my profile page. Should have removed it long ago when a friend of Jaymie's emailed me and told me that's how he found me, but I didn't. I hope I just forgot to do it, but maybe my sub-conscience got the better of me and leaving it up there served a purpose.
I hope not. Either way, it's gone now and it will stay that way.
Thanks again, Shawn