After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Best Laid Plans

God must have been of the opinion that I still had lessons to learn.  I was finally ready to accept the dreaded phrase "move on".  I was all systems go to actually embrace the idea with devotion and endeavor to implement those two previously spiteful, ill-conceived words into my life.
Before I was blessed with the supportive wisdom from the members of the Healing Heart, if anyone had told me it was time to "move on"....let's just say it wouldn't have gone well for them to remain anywhere within ear shot of my retort.

The relief I felt when I told 'D' that I wanted to accept the Non-Clets restraining order and NOT have to go to court was more than remarkable.  PLEASE, all of you that plot revenge on the affair partner in your head for fun, try and understand how incredible it feels to let her go.  It is a true adrenaline rush of self satisfaction.  The best gift you can give yourself.

I told you earlier, I thought I'd let Jaymie go weeks before this restraining order issue.  I firmly thought I'd removed that ugly monkey from my back, but it wasn't until this day that the release felt genuine.  When I actually chose to NOT jump on the chance to ridicule Jaymie publicly, I was amazed at myself.  Maybe that's the same way an alcoholic feels the first time he turns down a cold beer on a hot day....stupified but elated.
I felt victorious.  I felt liberated.  I felt empowered.

The next day, Sharon got Jaymie to sign the agreement.  I stopped by 'D's office on the way to work and signed it as well.  I didn't even review it.  I knew what it said, in way too many lawyerish words it said I had to stay away from Jaymie.  I didn't care how many ways the attorneys could write about no contact.  No need to read any of it.  In simple words it said...Let Jaymie Go.

Drove on to work as usual, right past the hotel where Jaymie and Richard had spent their last night together and I paid it no mind at all.  I was too busy basking in the glow of my emancipation!  I had been delivered from the bondage of obsession.  I know...I'm just repeating myself, but I so wanna be certain you get it.  This was a phenomenal leap forward for me and it felt glorious!

The whole day at work all seemed right with my world.  I knew it wasn't ALL right.  I knew Richard and I still had a long journey on the Road to Happy, but I was focusing on my successful first steps.
I was still floating on wings of hopefulness and well-being as I drove home when my cell phone rang.  It was Richard.  I was happy to see his name come up on the caller ID.  I knew he was pleased I had chosen wisely and avoided further confrontation. joy filled day was about to screech to an abrupt halt.
You know what they say about Best Laid Plans, right?  I had such high hopes for Plan A!  Crap!

"Hi, Honey.  What's up?"
"D called.  There's a problem with the order.  The judge refused to sign it."
"What?  Huh?  What are you talking about?"
I am always so articulate when caught off guard.  Not my fault, really.  Once again, my brain just wasn't able to process such nasty news very quickly.
Richard continued trying to clarify what he meant.
"The judge says he wants to hear the case.  He insists we all appear tomorrow in his courtroom."

Holy Shit!!  I already knew what he meant!!  He should just shut the fuck up!!  I needed a minute to shove my freshly battered brains back into my skull!  My heart was about to pulverize my insides and  I doubt there was a whole lot breathing going on.  Between gasping for small gulps of air, I managed something like this:

"How can he do that?  We both signed the papers.  We both agreed.  How can he do that?"
"He's a judge, Honey.  He can do whatever he sees fit.  'D' is still working with his clerk trying to get the judge on the phone.  It's not a done deal yet.  I wanted you to know exactly what was happening as soon as I knew.  It just doesn't look good."
"Well, fix it!  I can't handle anymore!  I do not want to see her, Richard!  I don't know what I'll do if I have to see her! Fix it!"

And then, he apologized.  In the past year, I heard that man say I'm sorry more times than any person should ever hear anyone utter any words in any lifetime.
He was so sorry that he was the cause of it all.  Sorry was not gonna help now.

The next day, I would have to rise and shine and face the Bitch Whore.   What a difference a day makes!  In my momentarily clear and jubilant mind, Plan A meant I was done with Jaymie.
Now, I had to face Plan B.  What the hell was Plan B?  The freedom to take another whack at taunting, humiliating and exposing Jaymie for the fallen woman (girl) she was?

This time I wasn't falling back on that version of Plan B.
I remained steadfast in my desire to "move on".

So what would Plan B look like?  I couldn't picture it at all.
I needed my new best friends, the clear thinking, enlightened members of the Healing Heart.  They would be there for me.  They would know what to do.  They would be able to visualize Plan B for me.
I couldn't get home to my computer fast enough.


BetterEveryDay said...

Thank god for the Healing Heart board..

I know that in the end all turned out well, but I can't wait to hear the details! Looking forward to the next installment and hoping the trolls don't invade and crash this post.. xo

NairobiGirl said...

OMG .... please get to you computer soonest. I cannot wait to hear what happened next. Your posts cheer me up as I trudge out of this hell hole called I know what infidelity feels like. Thank you for sharing your story.

Kate M. said...

Oh shit. I am hanging on the edge of my seat here. I can't imagine being forced to see the OW, especially after finally reaching a place of letting her go.

Damn, Shawn. You must be made of titanium, to still have your sanity.

shawn thewife said...

I promise I'm gonna try and finish the story by the end of summer. That's the goal.
This is the clarification....the only part that is almost finished is the part involving Jaymie. It will be good for my mental health to be done writing about that part of my life. It was miserable and so was she! LOL!!
So sorry! I may never get past a little Jaymie sniping. It's just so damn entertaining!!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Kate M. said...

Didn't you once tell me it's unnecessary to apologize for OW sniping here? Lol. Let's face it- there may forever be a need for us to let off a little steam now and then where they're concerned. Thank you for providing a safe place to do that. I was always one of the "nice" people in the world... I still am, but I'll never be as nice as I once was. That person was too trusting and vulnerable anyway. Still trying to find the balance.

I'll be glad for you when you're able to wind up the Jaymie part of the story.

Dita Ortiz said...

I understand your pain. I really do. I am 2 years out. However, you "sniping" at Jaymie shows not only your lack of maturity, but you still are far from healed.

I don't wish any misery on the OW in my situation. In fact, I know she took responsibility for her part in it & if she ever WAS in pain, that was of no concern to me. And like Jaymie, luckily she wasn't a bunny boiler. She gave me all the info I asked for.

But do I wish misery on her? No. I see the situation for what it is. My sneaky dishonest and disloyal husband betrayed and lied to us both. If it wasn't her, it could've been another girl. I place blame where it belongs, my husband.

I wish world peace too, but guess what, there is always going to be extremists out there who want to kill innocent people.

I could hope and wish all day that OW's didn't "pursue" our husbands (sarcasm) but guess what, there will always be OW's out there.

I refuse to live in delusion and denial and I feel like by you "sniping" at her allows you to live in denial about the fact that you are married to a man who cheated on you multiple times. I think you snipe at Jaymie cuz you feel like a chump for staying. Stop blaming the wrong party and do what you need to do to make your life better.

Divorce is a beautiful and freeing thing. You should try it sometime. I dunno, maybe when the kids get older, but you got some good years left Shawn! Imagine meeting a real stand up guy. An honest and loyal knight in shining armor, someone with character.

You're in San Diego right? He's out there waiting for you Shawn. Go get him.

TryingHard said...

LOL. Just when you think you're out, they drag you back in...(Goodfellas? not sure) Ironic right? She wants you to leave her alone, you want to leave her alone and then Here Comes the Judge. As if life isn't crazy enough during that time. Another glitch. I think he probably needed some prurient entertainment on his docket that week.

I'm with the rest, get to the end, I'm dying to hear it :)

Diana said...

I always admired your blog, Shawn. It was the same for me. We were in R for a few years, and he was trying and remorseful but I wanted better for my life. When I finally filed for divorce it was the first sense of calm I had had in years.

I am still working through the anger at me part for staying so long and trying to R :), I was so very determined that I would not fail my marriage and I was going to be with him come hell or high water. By the time I had to admit to myself that there simply was no "Us", that time had long since past. Brutally painful to admit, I used to think he thought I was standing in the way of his happiness, I never once thought I was standing in the way of mine!

P said...

The biggest drama day of the whole thing for us was July 26, 2011. The screaming, yelling, crying, fighting, calling the horrible woman, breaking phones, throwing furniture … yup, all on that day.

I never thought I would have another decent July 26th. I thought that it would be burned in my memory as the “worst day ever”.

So here we are, 3 years later.

Last night I told my husband, “Tomorrow is the anniversary of the very bad day. I’m going to try to not be crazy or sad this year, but just a heads up if I am.”

This morning we woke up, and he made it an awesome day for us together. We did some fun and silly stuff, had a great lunch out, had some family time with the kids, and basically just had a nice summer evening.

I can’t tell anyone what is best for them. I can only know that if my husband and I had not worked through the really tough times we had several years ago, we would have missed out on some of the best times of our marriage so far.

I appreciate your writing, Shawn, because you always note that everyone has to find their own road to happy. Thank you for sharing your story and for providing a place for others to sometimes post about their own.

BS said...

It is weird that the judge insisted on hearing the case.

I think it highlights how unsympathetic the legal system is to betrayed spouses.

With that said, I am glad you and Richard are doing well.

I am also glad I stayed and tried to work things out. It wasn't easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.

I really do have a better husband now than prior to his affair.

That may not be the case for every betrayed spouse, though.

So, I also applaud those who realized their unfaithful spouse was broken beyond repair.

We all really do have choices.

shawn thewife said...

Dita: No worries! No denial issues here in my Casa! Eyes wide open! I don't feel like a chump for reconciling at all. I might still feel kind of ignorant for being so blind to what was happening, when it was happening...but even that deeply ingrained negative thought has almost been erased from my thought process and I have learned never to trust blindly again. No regrets. Just lessons.

I know Jaymie could have been any young, empty hole with a vacancy sign tattooed to her twat. I get that. I don't blame her for what my husband did to me. HOWEVER...I do think anyone that sleeps with a married person is deserving of any and all ridicule tossed their way and then some.

A little sniping doesn't mean I am living in denial. It might show a certain lack of maturity....but fuck it. It's fun.
Thanks for your concern. Divorce is not needed. I'll keep the knight in shining armor that I married. After he got all rusty and tarnished, we both worked our asses off to get him all sparkly and shiny again. So worth it.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Diana: I'm very glad you found your Road to Happy. There are so many possible paths. It takes most of us a good long while to find the one that suits us best. Don't be angry at yourself for taking the time you needed to find your Road. Infidelity leaves the betrayed dazed, confused and probably in shock. Tough to focus on the future in a mental state as screwed up as that!

We do the best we can and if you can say you're happy today...then you have done well, my friend.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Written by Krista....I am so sorry for your pain. I also survived an affair and am still married today. I am offering support and guidance now to other couples. Affairs are so heart wrenching but if you are both willing to do the work then magic really happens for yourself and your marriage. After 5 years, I can say that life is better but I still deal my emotions and the pain. I am always learning and loving and "Doing the Work".
Krista Montalvo

Footnote: I posted this comment from Krista without a link she included. KRISTA: I'd love to have you join our little supportive bunch but I am always hesitant to post links unless the links have been vetted by me. Hope you understand and still wanna share with us.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn