After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

A Ticket to Hell



I didn't have to wait long for a reply from Daddy James.  My email to him sharing my experience at HIS church, with HIS friends made him jump right up and kick into damage control mode with a large dose of caution and a substantial degree of trepidation.  He went straight to the Lord to try and keep me in line.  As soon as I got his email, I furiously typed a response.  His words are in black.  My response is in red.


         Shawn,

Wow- What a revelation. Your email impresses me but… it also worries me in one area.
You have to know that I have never shared your troubled relationship with anyone but my wife Karen.  Even No one in my family knows about the adultery (calling it what it was) .  I don't imagine you did. To do so would also share your daughter's part in the adultery. To be honest I’m concerned about what you may have said about my daughter to others.  Jaymie made a grievous error and chose to do something very wrong.  But I don’t want to crucify her or make her a public example for what she did.  Of course you don't, but maybe it would be good for her to admit her part and ask for forgiveness.  God knows, there is a HUGE lesson to be learned for all of us.  Maybe she could go with me to "tag" team.  I will be talking about the affair.  They will all know my name, Richard's name, why not hers?  Or...perhaps if she let me know that she has sincere remorse, that she has at least some idea of how her choices ruined my life, maybe I could go to church and not use any last names at all.  They were very nice not to ask my last name on Sunday.  She would have to email or call me and plead her case for herself, otherwise, I see no reason to be discreet. I do not know if you specifically mentioned her name in counseling. So I ask you to please not make this part of your clearing the air.
God knows who was involved- I know Pastor Jeff, Crystal, Madeline, and Bill personally, and they know my family very well too.
I’m glad you are seeking healing; Have been searching for nearly a year.  Tough road. and I know you will find forgiveness through Christ.  Would you please explain why I need to seek forgiveness?  What did I do?  Do you mean find forgiveness for Jaymie and Richard? That truly would be a miracle.  I am only hoping to find peace and acceptance to live with all the hurt and anger.  Forgiveness isn't even on my radar!  I would encourage you to continue a new life in Jesus.  One of my favorite verses is II Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old things have passed away, new things have come.”  It was for my salvation and healing as well…
Through this may you also find “the peace that surpasses all comprehension…” (Philippians 4:6-7). 
God bless you and may He keep you close.  Thank you.  
Jim


As much as it shames me to admit it...I was elated by this email!!  Ecstatic!  Jubilant even!  I had made Daddy James worry (I might even say freak out!) about poor Jaymie's public reputation.  I reveled in the fact that was making him squirm!  I was feeling oh, so happy with myself so I sent the above dialog to Richard with the heading:  "I am SOOOO Going to Hell!"  I sent it to him because I knew he would be MORTIFIED that I was taunting Daddy James!  Richard didn't care what I did to him.  He didn't care who I told about what he did, but dragging Jaymie's family into my Anger Abyss made him cringe!
At times, that just pissed me off more.  Why in the hell did he care what happened to any of them?  They were nothing!  They were irrelevant!  (Except to the continued loss of my mind)  It was all Jaymie's fault!  If only she had sent me the emails her family would never have had to know she was stupid enough to spread her legs for a 60 year old married man.

Richard never tried to stop me as I travelled through Crazy Town blaming Jaymie for buying my entrance ticket along the way.  Sometimes I was even able to get him to carry my luggage.  Richard was as broken as I was.  Not angry, just severely depressed and guilt ridden.  I used that to my advantage.

Are you surprised or appalled that I can let myself off the hook and not harbor guilt?  I do not blame myself for my time in Crazy Town, but this part of Crazy Town was where few ever venture and was much too close to Hell.  Very soon I would begin to feel the heat.


22 comments:

Anonymous said...

Shawn,

I get it. I'm a year and half or so out and I stil fantacize about dragging her name through the mud and humiliating her as she did me. In fact, I just looked her mom up on facebook and thought about sending her a message letting her know what a whoring daughter she has....but, I didn't. That woman (her mom) has been through enough. I found out this year through my husband that the OW's father was in prison for being a pedophile....nice family huh? Anyway, I'm on a roller coaster of my own making. Husband is working very hard to be terrific and attentive, sex is great and frequent after the long dry spell that contributed greatly to the affair...or the fact that I was way preggo when it started and not physically able. Geez, that girl is such a prize...I think my husband feels like it was pretty pathetic in hind-sight, but he really doesn't dwell on it much, which is good. So, tell me now...do you still have fantasies about making her pay for the way she hurt you, or did all that you did satisfy that urge? Regret it now or just advise against it? I'm currently finding myself in a bit of an apathy loop. Can't be bothered to think about it much....I figure this might be healing, resigning, or just plan not caring...I can't really tell what way is up now. The insecure little voice in me that wants to check, and check again, and fret over everything has taken a break. Most would think that's a good thing...I just keep thinking that I've decided to sit back and relax...live in the moment, enjoy the sex, and count on Karma to make right eventually if there is anything I'm being fooled about now. Someone please tell me...is this a healthy attitude? Or, have I purchased my own ticket to hell?

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: You are a smart one! Good for you! My reconciliation IQ was woefully below average.
You're on the right track. Steer clear of anything or anybody related to the OW...except maybe if they're married. Then, I sometimes advocate telling the betrayed spouse...sometimes.
Your words sound like pure wisdom...Sit back, relax, LIVE IN THE MOMENT! Better than healthy! You are strong, wise and resilient! Bravo!
I don't check and recheck anymore either, but I do check every now and then. My radar is always rolling. I just haven't picked up anything!

To answer your questions about me: I don't think about punishing Jaymie anymore. I think I did that. It didn't help me. It just kept me from healing.
I regret it because I wasted so much energy on her! I wish I had focused on Richard and healing our marriage quicker. Guess I'm not built that way. Everyone has to find their own Road back to Happy. Mine was straight through Crazy Town. I hope my story helps other betrayed spouses find a safer route.
Congrats on surviving and thriving.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Eat My Scabs said...

I adore the craziness that is your story!!

shawn thewife said...

Thanks, Scabs! I'm very glad my time spent in Crazy Town can be entertaining! LOL!
I hope it can be educational, too.
The "What NOT to do After DDay" story.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Get to the part where they send you a restraining order...good times.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Are you making a prediction???
Good times indeed.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

Anonymous:

It is interesting that you mentioned the OW's father was a Pedophile.

One counselor I spoke to said that OWs who seek out older men, are in her experience and in some studies, typically women who have daddy issues in that their daddy's were either physically or emotionally incestuous.

These OWs are psychologically damaged, unstable, and looking to relive their wacko relationship with their fathers.

These women most often turn into the stalker type as did the OW in my husband's affair. But not always.

They stalk or compete with the wivesbecause they see the wives as a mother figure.

These type of Ows were in competition with their mother's for daddy's attention, and now they are in competition with the affair partner's wife for their affair partner's attention. Interesting.

BS said...

Shawn:

I check RANDOMLY, too.

I never ever did prior to Dday.

I think checking randomly is better than checking consistently.

One common thread I have seen in spouses who have been cheated on is that they trust their spouses and always give them plenty of.....to the degree that it's waaaay too much...freedom.

I see it all the time in posts everywhere.

It seems the loyal spouses, ALWAYS trust, allow boy's or girl's nights out, men or lady's only vacations and never nag the spouse if they come home late from work or an outing or business trip.

Someone on another message board mentioned that there are actually studies that strongly indicate that spouses who are somewhat suspiscious and even act in a way that may erroneously be be called jealous, when in reality it is more likely to be hypervigilance, are cheated on far less than are trusting easygoing spouses.

shawn thewife said...

BS: You're probably right about the "jealous" spouses not being cheated on as much. I was the most trusting wife ever. I was a fool.
However, I don't consider myself jealous. I was never 'jealous' of Jaymie. I just hated her! I never felt like I was competing with her...not at all. If Richard had wanted to stay with her, then I would have showed him the door and called an attorney.
No...I'm not jealous. I'm just not a fool anymore.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

Hi Shawn:

I agree. I hope I did not appear to imply that you were jealous. I think it's more a hypervigilance, never a jealousy in the spouses who do check even before learning of an affair.

Perhaps they were cheated on in a prior relationship.

I have a friend whose husband won't even talk too long to other women at social gatherings. I would always see the wife hover by if he did talk too long.

I thought the wife was a tad jealous but later learned that a prior boyfriend had cheated on her for two years before she found out and like you and me, she felt like a fool.

She was too trusting like you and me, and was never going to make that mistake again. She doesn't want to be a fool again.

I was never jealous of the OW either. I would never even consider her competition looks wise or career wise or integrity wise.

I was never the jealous, possessive, restricting type of spouse.

I see the OW as a pathetic loser.

She is unhappily married but too much of a wimp to go out on her own.

IMO, the OW goes after married mid-life crisis men precisely because she is a loser with daddy issues.

She knows she could never get a single man, who meets all her requirements, to be interested in her.

She mentioned in one email that I found, that she doesn't know why she married her husband. She said she was never attracted to him or in love with him.

Well, I know why. That's easy. She wasn't the type of person that a guy with the complete package that she wanted.....looks, money, sociable personality...would ever have been interested in as wife material.

So, she settled.

Ironically, IMO, the husband she claims does not meet her looks or sociability requirements is more attractive than she on a scale of 1-10 and a kinder person than she.

I was actually shocked when I saw her because she does not seem like the type of woman my husband would have a relationship with.

He says, she was just available and seemed easy and very interested in a no strings affair. During their first conversation, she mentioned her prior affairs. That easiness and eagerness for sex, was the initial draw, nothing more, he claims, now.

Later, her fake persistent flattery became somewhat addictive, he claims, even as he realized it was unrealisitic and if the relationship ever became real, she would soon be eager to have sex with another guy.

I check on my husband randomly now, because I don't want to be a fool again, either. If I ever find out he's cheating, he's out the door and I am at my attorneys office.

It's tough enough to reconcile with someone who has fooled us once.

Oh well, end of rant.

Anonymous said...

Hello ... I just found out that my husband cheated on me.... Again!!! Help!!!

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Help is here and on the Healing Heart Message Boards!! PLEASE check that forum out. The link is on the bottom on my blog.
I can't imagine how hard a second DDay would be, but you are not alone.
You can also email me privately at:
shawnthewife@aol.com

Please check in and let us know how we can help.
So sorry you are hurting.
Hope & hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I still check my wife's phone records from time to time, even though I know she could be using many other methods of contact. I force myself to give myself vacations from constant suspicions I have of her.(some warranted...some not)
For example. "I will not check her phone for the weekend....I will let my self enjoy life fully even if just for 2 days, then I can go back to playing detective." It sucks though...I do not look at her the same way anymore. I will sum it up like this....I do not worry about her well being as much. I dont stay up to make sure she comes home ok when shes out late. I used to love her like I love my children...without thought....just love. Now she feels like a business partner, and that we could part ways anytime.

Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Posted: "I do not look at her the same way anymore. I will sum it up like this....I do not worry about her well being as much. I dont stay up to make sure she comes home ok when shes out late. I used to love her like I love my children...without thought....just love. Now she feels like a business partner, and that we could part ways anytime."

Hi Anonymous:

It's nice to hear a man's perspective.

It is also interesting that I checked Shawn's blog and found your post.

I was just thinking your thoughts prior to finding and reading your post.

I have to say I feel as you do.

Something has been lost.

I hate the occasional checking. I was never a snoop. I hate snoops. I hate myself for snooping.

Sadly, too, far too often, I hate myself for not filing for divorce taking half and just moving on.

I don't like feeling that way. There is a level of humiliation associated with it that is difficult to articulate.

My husband is doing many things right, but the way he treated me during the affair, while I was unaware still haunts me.

He picked fights, he acted distant, he texted and emailed her as he lay in bed beside me.

It seemed I could do nothing right. I thought he was stressed after starting a new job.

I am the same me, nothing has changed, why is he now so eager to fight for our marriage?

He had me. He did not have to fight.

Now, every day I think today may be the day I walk into an attorneys office and file.

Prior I loved him and trusted him in the easy going guileless way you trust a best friend to catch you if you lean back.

Since the affair, I don't trust that my husband will always catch me if I lean back. He may just let me drop to the floor.

I don't know how to get back that feeling of trusting him to watch my back rather than stab me in the back.

He claims he had the affair because he wanted attention and felt I was too independent and did not appreciate or love him.

But that was such Bull, IMO.

He knew I loved him. At one point he sort of admitted that when he said he thought I would get angry but get over it, if I ever learned of the affair.

Well, now, I feel that he does not appreciate and love me.

My life is good, and our marriage SEEMS GOOD to outsiders, but my heart is still leaking blood, each and every day.

I would never stoop to having a revenge affair. I would simply prefer to leave.

IMO, I am only staying because he is fighting so hard to keep us together. But, I really lost the innocent feeling of absolute love that I had for him.

I still love him, and I am still in love with him, but the lack of trust is ruining my mind.

I am not sure I can or want to live like this. I would rather be alone.

I have PTSD triggers. He's a major trigger and leaving him may be the only cure for my PTSD.

Kate M. said...

Wow, Anonymous (comment above mine)... almost everything you wrote is exactly how I feel. I don't wake up every day thinking this might be the day I go file for divorce-- but otherwise, it's pretty much the same.

Bless us all. This hurts so much.

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawn, Bunny here, I finally caught up on your blog. I live my need to be vengeful through you. You bring me back to earth. You and my son, I won't do anything to risk holding on to him. I do, however, dream of her coming to my home and causing a scene. I so want a reason to place a RO on her. But she's careful, she won't do anything to piss on WH. That would do it. Oh so much has happened in my life. He still hasn't filed for D or LS, which she's not happy about. I know it's mostly money but it also keeps him from having to make a major commitment to her. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact he's not coming back and it's getting harder and harder for me to say that I would let him come back. Now I pause when asked, it would depend heavily on his willingness to do the hard, nasty work. I didn't find out that the shine of their new love is fading, she's upset that her entire family is aware of their relationship but he hasn't told anyone in his family. She wants to be legit and he's not ready for it. I also found out he's starting to be an his old self, the one he was with me and require or expect things that she (did it to me too) is not living up to. He's great at making up though, so she won't see the turmoil under the surface. She'll believe everything he tells her. Silly girl. I keep waiting for Karma to show up at their door. My dream is I've moved on, they spontaneously combust, he wants me back and I have the strength to laugh in his face. Not all the way there yet. My chest still pounds and I still fall into despair because I miss him and love him. But I recover faster now and that's good.

Thinking about the OW and potential daddy issues... Well since she was one of my closest friends I know a few things about her family. She's repeating history, the OWs daddy left when she was young because of an affair and her mommy is married but has had another relationship on the side for at least a decade. I'm fear she will pass this on to at least one of her daughters. This isn't an issue for any of them really. Pathetic. I also hear she is diligently normalize WH being there. Attending gatherings with her friends and work, planning accidental run ins with her daughters, getting everyone used to the whole thing. He's only done that with people I haven't met and he still (thankfully) hasn't allowed our S to know about their affair. She was an "auntie" to him. I hope to avoid that scenario all together. If there is a god, I'll believe it if their relationship ends before he has to find out.

I could go on and on, the writing helps me. This way I don't write him another emotionally charged email pouring my soul out just to regret it and wonder if they read them together and laugh about it.

Alright Shawn, I'll shut up.

Thanks, Bunny

BS said...

Hi Kate:

I typically post as BS but forgot to include my name.

Sorry you are in the same boat as other here.

Bunny: What a poop pie to have to eat, being betrayed by a husband and a friend.

People in our society haven't really lost their way.

When I was single, I wouldn't even consider dating someone my best friend was interested in, let alone, dating or married to.

They were just waaaaay off limits.

Anonymous said...

BS,

You are so right, too much crap to swallow! People don't treat relationships, their own and those of others, with respect. They certainly didn't. In fact her H believes she instigated it. My WH was ripe for the picking but she should have respected my marriage and family, but then she didn't respect her own. She was my friend, if he hit on her she should have stopped it. She should have never let herself be alone with him. She should have backed off of being so interactive with us. She should have said, you know, I've been talking to your H a little bit about your relationship, you guys are in trouble, you need to do something. We were close enough , i thought, she could have done that.

I think about what Shawn said about transference. I think I do that somewhat. But I also think I have legitimate reason to just down right hate her. I do the "I wish she would die a horrible death" thing. Everytime I hear of a car wreck, shooting, house fire, anything close to that, I cross my fingers. But it hasn't yet. She's just a horrible person, the things I know about her now (besides screwing my H) would have been good to know a long time ago, I would have been more careful with my trust. 20/20 right?

How can the say in the same conversation we love our children, we know this is F'd up and it we know it going to cause some problems for our kids, but we are doing it anyway. They believe this is going to last, long term, and that their kids will be happier if they are happier. Not so far, 18 months later... IDIOTS.

has anyone tried casting spells? Does it work? ;-)

Bunny

Annie said...

Loved reading your prospective. I started a blog, avenging my best friend when her spouse left her for a serial mistress and it has been quite enlightening so far, to say the least.
Men can be such fools.

shawn thewife said...

Annie: I'm glad your friend has such strong back-up. Good friends are imperative when dealing with infidelity. I will say this....focusing on THEN, the cheating spouse, the skank home wrecker...not helpful. Setting your sights on a brighter future...WAY more productive!
I'm gonna check out your blog soon...after I shake off the flu! The flu in August...really??? Ugh!
Thanks for commenting.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

(((Bunny))) Write here and on HH!! Do it frequently!! It helps so much. Stay away from your WH. Please try to begin building your own life. I think we talked about this before. Waiting on him is no way to live. Limbo is the worst. YOU can choose to be happy. You can start over without him. Living well is the best revenge of all.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous Betrayed Husband: I'm so sorry you are stuck in limbo land. It's the worst. You didn't say how long since your DDay. Time makes a world of difference. The rule of thumb is don't make any life changing decisions for at least 6 months...and that's not so much a rule as a guidelines because all of our situations are different. Focus on her behavior today. Is she truly remorseful? Can you attend MC to discuss the loss of trust? Sometimes you can work together on small changes that will help you feel safe.
The Road back to Happy is so very long. Just when we think we're nearly there, we can find ourselves in a deep rut. Don't despair. You will heal. You'll have scars, but the bleeding will stop and then life gets better.
Hope & hugs, Shawn