Her monologues always included the words, "It's always something. If it's not one thing it's another."
Can't you just hear her? In that raspy voice? See her huge head of frizzy hair that would never be tamed with any amount of recommended hair products?
I really loved her. Gilda was a comic genius.
I have heard Rosanna's voice in my head a lot the past few months. As my blog has progressed, from time to time, I've tried to convey where I am on my road to happy. Some days, I feel confident that I have finally arrived at the glorious destination of HAPPY. Most days, I just keep trudging along. Many days, I'm whistling a happy tune on my journey. Other days, I feel like I'm schlepping a hundred pound bag of bricks on my back and on the really rough days, I'm schlepping the bricks while slogging along, dragging my ever-so-tired ass up an incline that resembles Kilimanjaro, but those days grow few and far between and I am grateful.
I don't know when, if ever, the triggers abate. Many have told me, this is a never ending ache, but that the ache will improve from chronic and acute to dull and intermittent. I can live with that. That's why I chose to stay with Richard. Our marriage is worth learning to sustain my joy while enduring the intermittent, dull ache.
For the newbie readers: I'm 2 years and 2 months post DDay. I interrupt the continuation of my story with updates in real time once in a while. This periodic status check gives me the opportunity to thoroughly contemplate where I am on my road to Happy and analyze what part of my marriage and my psyche still needs some attention. During this analytical pause, I've learned, "It's always something!"
And, I'm gonna have to learn to live with that.
There's something currently blocking my road to Happy and the undeniable fact is... I dumped the shit there!
I found a list of questions you should ask your wayward spouse right after DDay. It's a good list.
Why, when or what brought this list to my attention is questionable. In other words, I can't freakin' remember. Most of the questions have been asked and answered at least once, but more than likely many times in a variety of ways.
But, because it's always something, I decided to pose a few of these to Richard again. I emailed him. Below are the questions in red with his answers in blue:
Got the response from him yesterday.
1. What did you like about yourself during the affair? I felt young and wanted. How were you different with her than me? I was myself so not all that different. Perhaps more paternal with her; conversations were taken down to her level – her school, her boyfriend; perhaps a little more silly and carefree since we didn’t have the day to day issues that come with the responsibilities of having a family..
2. How was this time different or similar to previous infidelities? I had feelings for her that were not just sex.
3. What did you share with her about us? I told her you were a good wife and we had a good marriage.
4. After the first time you had sex, did you feel guilty? Yes. If so, how were you able to continue? The excitement and desire for the next time was more powerful than the guilt… like being a drug addict. I would feel bad driving home and walking in and seeing you – especially the overnight at law enforcement dinner – but then I would quickly (within 24 hours??) look forward to the next time. We have talked about how I squared it up in my mind -- I deserved it because I am an older, successful man and lots of successful men have mistresses.
Since receiving his short, but brutally honest answers, I've been trudging up Kilimanjaro with that bag of bricks I mentioned. Last night, when I came home, I was quieter than usual, but we had a nice family TV night watching "The Voice." We are rooting for the last girl standing, Cassadee Pope. (even though the way she spells her name makes me swallow hard!)
Wise Richard knew I might be a little tender after reviewing his answers, as he is well versed in reading my moods. We did not discuss the email at all. I asked the questions even though I knew most of the answers. I opened the wound.
Why did I need to ask about the affair AGAIN after all this time? Because it's always gonna be something. We will have brain worms forever and once in a while you're gonna need to feed the bastards. The key is....you learn to feed them while keeping them under lock and key. You learn to keep them at a distance. You can see them. You should acknowledge them, but they do not need to be set free to run amok.
Here's my NEW something...as of this morning, I'm OK. I read his response at work yesterday and my heart crumbled when I read the answer to question number 2. My eyes are quite damp as I tell you about it. However, a deep breath or two and I'm gonna get on with my day. It's almost Christmas which gives a completely different meaning to it's always something! I have way too much to accomplish today to dwell on what happened two years ago!
This road to happy itinerary update gives me hope and I wanted to share it with you. With each day that passes, I am getting stronger. I can carry those miserable bricks up that mountain if I must because I know I'm one tough cookie. The road to Happy is not a destination. It's a journey. All journeys have ups and downs.
If there are obstacles on my road to Happy, so be it. Well..I guess I should say WHEN there are obstacles because...Come on! Say it with me...It's Always Something!