After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

It's Always Something.

For those of you old enough, as in...at least as ancient as me, to remember SNL when it was cool, you might recall the immortal words of Gilda Radner as the slightly annoying but immensely endearing, Roseanne Roseannadanna.  Week after week she shared a multitude of exasperating situations that had befallen her, or some specific incident that ranked way up there on the gross-out-o-meter!
Her monologues always included the words, "It's always something.  If it's not one thing it's another."
Can't you just hear her?  In that raspy voice?  See her huge head of frizzy hair that would never be tamed with any amount of recommended hair products?
I really loved her.  Gilda was a comic genius.

I have heard Rosanna's voice in my head a lot the past few months.  As my blog has progressed, from time to time, I've tried to convey where I am on my road to happy.  Some days, I feel confident that I have finally arrived at the glorious destination of HAPPY.  Most days, I just keep trudging along.  Many days, I'm whistling a happy tune on my journey.  Other days, I feel like I'm schlepping a hundred pound bag of bricks on my back and on the really rough days, I'm schlepping the bricks while slogging along, dragging my ever-so-tired ass up an incline that resembles Kilimanjaro, but those days grow few and far between and I am grateful.

I don't know when, if ever, the triggers abate.  Many have told me, this is a never ending ache, but that the ache will improve from chronic and acute to dull and intermittent.  I can live with that.  That's why I chose to stay with Richard.  Our marriage is worth learning to sustain my joy while enduring the intermittent, dull ache.

For the newbie readers:  I'm 2 years and 2 months post DDay.  I interrupt the continuation of my story with updates in real time once in a while.  This periodic status check gives me the opportunity to thoroughly contemplate where I am on my road to Happy and analyze what part of my marriage and my psyche still needs some attention. During this analytical pause, I've learned, "It's always something!"
And, I'm gonna have to learn to live with that.

There's something currently blocking my road to Happy and the undeniable fact is... I dumped the shit there!
I found a list of questions you should ask your wayward spouse right after DDay.  It's a good list.

http://www.ivillage.com/10-questions-ask-your-unfaithful-spouse-0/4-a-283611?p=1

Why, when or what brought this list to my attention is questionable.  In other words, I can't freakin' remember.  Most of the questions have been asked and answered at least once, but more than likely many times in a variety of ways.
But, because it's always something, I decided to pose a few of these to Richard again.  I emailed him.  Below are the questions in red with his answers in blue:
Got the response from him yesterday.


1.  What did you like about yourself during the affair? I felt young and wanted.  How were you different with her than me?  I was myself so not all that different. Perhaps more paternal with her; conversations were taken down to her level – her school, her boyfriend; perhaps a little more silly and carefree since we didn’t have the day to day issues that come with the responsibilities of having a family..

2.  How was this time different or similar to previous infidelities? I had feelings for her that were not just sex.

3.  What did you share with her about us? I told her you were a good wife and we had a good marriage.

4.  After the first time you had sex, did you feel guilty?  Yes. If so, how were you able to continue? The excitement and desire for the next time was more powerful than the guilt… like being a drug addict. I would feel bad driving home and walking in and seeing you  – especially the overnight at law enforcement dinner – but then I would quickly (within 24 hours??) look forward to the next time. We have talked about how I squared it up in my mind -- I deserved it because  I am an older,  successful man and lots of  successful men have mistresses.

Since receiving his short, but brutally honest answers, I've been trudging up Kilimanjaro with that bag of bricks I mentioned.  Last night, when I came home, I was quieter than usual, but we had a nice family TV night watching "The Voice."  We are rooting for the last girl standing, Cassadee Pope. (even though the way she spells her name makes me swallow hard!)  
Wise Richard knew I might be a little tender after reviewing his answers, as he is well versed in reading my moods. We did not discuss the email at all.  I asked the questions even though I knew most of the answers.  I opened the wound.  
Why did I need to ask about the affair AGAIN after all this time?  Because it's always gonna be something.  We will have brain worms forever and once in a while you're gonna need to feed the bastards.  The key is....you learn to feed them while keeping them under lock and key.  You learn to keep them at a distance.  You can see them.  You should acknowledge them, but they do not need to be set free to run amok.  

Here's my NEW something...as of this morning, I'm OK.  I read his response at work yesterday and my heart crumbled when I read the answer to question number 2.  My eyes are quite damp as I tell you about it.  However, a deep breath or two and I'm gonna get on with my day.  It's almost Christmas which gives a completely different meaning to it's always something!  I have way too much to accomplish today to dwell on what happened two years ago!  

This road to happy itinerary update gives me hope and I wanted to share it with you.  With each day that passes, I am getting stronger.   I can carry those miserable bricks up that mountain if I must because I know I'm one tough cookie.   The road to Happy is not a destination.  It's a journey.  All journeys have ups and downs.  
If there are obstacles on my road to Happy, so be it.  Well..I guess I should say WHEN there are obstacles because...Come on!  Say it with me...It's Always Something!


73 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG , previous infidelities? you mean he is a serial cheater?...Sheesh.

You must be really having it tough.

Did you deal with his previous girlfriends too in the same manner as you did with Jamie?

Or why did Jamie get to you so?

Hats off to you for teying to save your marriage never knowing if there is another affair lurking around the corner.

Hugs and God bless.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: Richard confessed to three previous women. Two were over 20 years ago, one with a client and one with the sister of a very old friend of his. He said they were brief and only about getting laid, no emotional ties.

The only recent one was 5 years ago and was just about the sex, a hooker in Vegas. He insists on calling her a stripper. Hooker...stripper...for some reason Richard finds a substantial difference between the two. Correct me if I'm wrong, but even if you are a stripper, if you take money for sex...you're a hooker! Sorry...off point.
I wouldn't have known about any of those other women if he had not decided to come clean.

Then came Jaymie. Totally different. He LOVED her, or at least thought he did. Put our family at a HUGE risk to be with her. Shared his conquest with others while it was happening. He was proud of it!
It wasn't really Jaymie that got to me. She was an easy target for my anger. My pain needed a target. She was safer than Richard. Lashing out at him was too scary. Even though I professed I wanted him gone, the thought of that terrified me.

So, I'm working to save my marriage because Richard is working even harder. He has done everything I've asked of him. 30 years of marriage deserve my best effort...his, too!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

My husband was (?) or is (?) also a serial cheater. We've been married 25 yrs. The other ones that were 15 or 20+ yrs ago only came to light recently. Like you Shawn, my husband's latest one was the BIG ONE. Thought he loved her and put our family at risk (take Jamie and add a few years and a kid). The thing with the older affairs: looking back and now seeing the signs. At the time, I saw NOTHING. All what I've learned now allowed me to take a look back without my rose colored glasses. It was so obvious then but who thinks their husband is cheating on you when you've been married a few years with your first baby on the way? My husband is working hard too.

Marney said...

Freakishly similiar to my sitch. After finding about the biggy...the recent affair, H came clean about 5 other one-night stands of gropping and kissing-only, no intercourse, 20-25 years ago. Makes more sense that there were others, as how does one get to be almost 60 and then decide to cheat one day? You either are averse to it by then, or you are not. I hate the affairs in the
80's, while we were happy, happy newlyweds starting our family. (As Anonymous said, who looks for it then? Hell, I wasn't even looking for it now.) But this latest one was like our house was built over an unknown underground mine and it exploded one day leaving everything and everybody in shards. He was IN LOVE with her. In fact, I think he still has feelings for her, but has realized what an idiot he was. But that idiot-revelation came because he got caught. I think he was loving his whole life: his kind, dutiful, endearing wife, his beautiful and talented kids. And a whore at work. He had it all going on. And yes, I wonder the same, how do you know that another one (or the same) is not lurking around the corner, a mere text message away? How do you get the trust back ever? So many lies told, for so long. I question him going to get the damn car washed. Thank you Shawn for helping all us sisters start to heal. There will be a royal chaise and a cold martini waiting for you in heaven. Truly. You are helping more than you know.

Marney

Anonymous said...

Shawn, I realise that you sent Richard a list of questions and recieved exactly what you asked for - the answers.


But did Richard ONLY answer those questons? As you were obviously having 'one of those days' (because you sent the questions) and you say he 'knew' you would be delicate after reading his answers why didn't he use his e-mail reply as an opportunity to apologise again for hurting you? Or reiterate that he no longer 'has feelings' for Jaymie?


I mean it's great that he answered honestly, but if that is ALL the words he sent - and you didn't talk about it last night either, why didn't he use this as an opportunity to apologise for hurting you by having that affair? You say he knew you would be hurting last night after his brutally honest answers, so why not a few words of comfort from him? I'd be very hurt Shawn! I hope he DID apologise and you just left it out of this posting... because even I feel hurt on your behalf reading this.

(((Hugs)))


And Shawn, THANK YOU for this blog - you make a lot of people feel that they are not alone going through the mess that is the aftermath of an affair.

Anonymous said...

After 2 years, no more apologies are needed. One can't keep apologizing for something. I'm sure Richard has apologized enough....

Anonymous said...

Shawn,
What are you doing. Why do you keep punishing yourself. 2 years have gone by and you are still living back on D-Day. Do you think that by constantly reminding him he wont do it again?

I missed where he confessed to 3 previous affairs. 20 years ago/5 years ago / Hooker / Stripper / No emotional ties....Who cares. They are all still women he choose over you. They are all just as relevant as the affair with Jaymie.

You should ask Richard where he and Jaymie would be today if you had not found out. If YOU had not put a stop to it.

My questions for you is:

1. Who were you before the affair?

2. Were you really happy and in a good marriage before the affair?

3. What is it that scares you the most about not being with Richard?

Lots of women reading and commenting on your blog are doing so because they have experienced the same. But, NO ONE (Especially YOU) is healing. Everyone is just living it and waiting for it to happen again, hoping it doesn't.

Don't kid yourself Shawn. You can not even begin to heal until you have let it go. Its clear that for some reason YOU are not willing to let it go.

If he does it again its not because you let it go and stopped reminding him of how much he hurt you. Its because he is still the same cheater he has been for the last 20 years.

Lori




















shawn thewife said...

Anonymous #3: You guys gotta start signing with initials or something!! :-)
Richard knows me as well as anyone one the planet. He did ask me how I was, if I was OK. He asks me that a lot. He calls it "checking in". He worries about me everyday. I appreciate it, but wish he wouldn't worry. I've gotten to a place where I can heal myself. Sometimes that means I need to revisit the affair to clear my brain, but usually I don't need him to comfort me as I know I can handle it now.

We have talked it through so many times and we have come to an understanding. If he needs something from me, he'll say so and vice-versa.
Continued healing is all about communication and honesty.
I know he's sorry. Will he ever cheat again? I doubt it, but I don't have a crystal ball. For now, I know he loves me and he shows me everyday how sorry he is without saying the words. So, while I deeply appreciate your concern, don't you worry about me! If I needed to hear the words you can bet the ranch I'd let him know!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous #4: Seriously..initials people!! LOL!

You hit the nail on the head before I could respond!
You can only hear sorry so many times. Some might need to hear it everyday. I got the picture a long time ago. He is really freakin' sorry!
It's way more important that Richard SHOW me he's sorry and he does that everyday in so many ways.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Marney; Yeah! A name! So much easier!

Trust is elusive but not unattainable. It will be earned, not given. I have Richard on a pretty tight leash. I never asked him where he was or who he was with before DDay. Never. Now, I have to ask. I need to feel safe. He understands and gives me all the info I want willingly. He hopes, as do I, that with time, I'll begin to trust him again, but I'm two years out and I don't see that happening anytime soon.
I can live with it because he is so open about everything now. AND...he doesn't resent having to be on a short leash. He knows he's the one that put that leash around his neck. It wasn't my choice.
So, the short answer...I hope I learn to trust him more but I will ALWAY trust but verify because I ;earned my lesson. I will never be blindsided again. If, God forbid, he decides to cheat again, I bet I find out the day it happens and he'll never see the inside walls of our home again.
That's Toughie Pants talking!! LOL!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Lori: Wow. You have me all wrong! I do not see communicating with Richard as punishing myself. I see it as tune-up therapy. You can't just sweep this shit under the rug and "Let it go". This is hard work for both of us. It is ongoing and will be forever. It'll get easier with time, or so I am told, but I will NEVER "Let it go." I'd be an idiot if I did. The affair was life altering. It changed richard and I forever.

I'll try to answer your questions.
1. I was the same person I am now EXCEPT I do not trust Richard, or anyone for that matter, with blinders on.
2. Yep. Great marriage. Very happy. Ask anybody that knows us, we were the perfect couple. Problem was, Richard wasn't happy but he didn't share that with me. Getting older totally freaked him out!
3. 30 years down the crapper. I've been with him for well over half of my life! Starting over now seemed so over-whelming! So scary!
Today, I guess if I had to go on without him, I 'd figure it out, but it would truly be a monumental loss because I love him with all my heart and soul. If I didn't love him that much, we would never have survived the affair.

What is really crystal clear is that I'm dealing with the massive heartbreak of infidelity quite well finally. It took me about a year and a half to get my head on straight, but that doesn't mean I have to "Let it go." If "letting it go" means never discussing the affair...that is just ludicrous! Talking about it when I feel the need is a huge part of healing! We are so much stronger because we talk about everything. Nothing is just "Let go."

Are you a betrayed wife? Did you "Let it go"? How's that working out for ya?
Oh..I'll ask Richard where he thinks he'd be now if I didn't find out. It's a weird hypothetical, but I'll let you know what he says.
Thanks for your comments. Always looking for opinions from both sides of the fence.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Hey Shawn...as always-thanks so much for sharing you and Richard's story. This post was particularly comforting. I'm 2 years and five months past d-day. At the end of November, I got back from a trip to New York doing some recovery work for Hurricane Sandy...while I was gone- huge triggers. And the thing that popped up for my to-do list on my return, was this exact same list of Questions. Glass's book, "Not Just Friends", the published source of the questions, has been one of my primary resources in dealing with the aftermath of the affair. But like you, it's taken some time and a lot of work to get to the point where I could a) ask the questions and b) be relatively confident I was going to get honest answers. Which brings me to my point, I am so grateful for your blog for a variety of reasons. It's comforting when I read a post like this one, that affirms the fact that there are similarities in patterns of behavior in affairs and their aftermath. But it's also comforting when the fact that there is no such thing as a "one size fits all" template for how to recover from one is highlighted. "Letting Go" is gonna mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. I appreciate reading your version of it and I appreciate the versions that get anecdotally described by your readers. I so appreciate you sharing how you're defining recovery. And I learn a lot from the way you share your struggles. Thanks for telling your AUTHENTIC, bold and audacious story- warts and all.

MCG

Anonymous said...

Couple of things i have not observed about cheating husbands who get caught:

1)Of all the affairs they have had the only emotional one is the one they have been caught at.Thats so because theres proof.They all say that the others were merely sex, which according to men is ok since they werent in "love" with the affair partners .!

2) All the other affairs confessed to occurred 10 15 20 years ago !!!They think its not supposed to matter because it was so far back in the past !

3)Hookers are always on the scene and they are not supposed to matter because obviously one doesnt fall in love with a hooker !!!

4)All cheating husbands will always account for every single moment of their time post discovery but in most cases a couple of years later they always sneak in an affair.

5)All of them suddenly discover how precious we are, how precious our marriage is , how important our life together is, how wonderful our family is only AFTER they are caught!!!

UGH

Anonymous said...

Sorry thats a typo..the first sentence is ..Couple of things i have always observed about a cheating husband,,,,

Anonymous said...

2. Were you really happy and in a good marriage before the affair?

Lori-

There are people who think it is a bad marriage or bad spouse that causes someone to stray. The reasons/causes are held inside the betrayer. When someone is doing wrong, it very easy for them to cast the blame to someone else (bad marriage, bad spouse). Easier than looking inside themselves to see why they do the things they do.

Anonymous said...

About letting it go....

The open wound of an affair hurts terribly. One can't just ignore the wound. It will get infected and cause more damage. A wound needs care and time to find the best course of action for it to heal completely. It takes trial and error to find just the right course of treatment. Not all bandages or antibiotics work the same way with all wounds. If you're lucky a scab will form. It might itch as it heals. You might pick at it. With care, time and attention it will heal. A scar will form. The scar becomes apart of your skin. It will always be there, but it no longer hurts. You look at it sometimes and think, wow I'm glad I took care of it when it happened because if I just ignored it, I could now have lasting and lingering effects for the rest of my life!

Bonnie said...

It has been 1 year 1 month 7 days since my DDay. I am committed to my marriage, learning to live in the present, and not to dull my feelings with antidepressant meds. I am healing through yoga. Triggers happen randomly and I do look at my husband in a different way -- there is no more fairytale marriage -- my eyes are wide open. We immediately went to marriage counseling for several months which helped immensely.I find I do best by ignoring the questions I so want to ask my husband as that just leads me down a deep path of darkness.

Anonymous said...

Shawn:

I never said or intended that communicating with Richard was punishing yourself. I was talking about you sending him the questions "again". You say its always something but dont you realize that now you are the one creating the "somethings". From the beginning you've had a very very strange obsession with knowing every single detail of this affair.

Honey, you're not dealing with heartbreak and infidelity anymore, you're dealing with an unhealthy obsession. You are your own worse enemy. You keep sprinkling salt on the wound by continuing to re-live it. Do you really not see that?

If none of that makes sense, maybe this will:

If what you are doing causes you feel worse (which you clearly said it does). Then you need to stop doing those things. VERY SIMPLE.

And as for RICHARD, he isn't doing you any favors by "doing everything you ask of him". He needs to stop responding to your inquires about the affair. He has told you, if not everything, ENOUGH! He is now telling you AGAIN!

RICHARD: If you are reading this, do your wife the favor that she can not do for herself.....CUT HER OFF. Help her to let this go and move on to a better life that doesnt evolve around this affair. AND PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE dont answer her when she asks you where would you and Jaymie be today if she had not caught you.

Shawn, if your daughter was going through this exact same thing. Would you tell her to continue re-living it like you are, or to just let it go and direct her energy at making herself happy again.

If you think that talking about everything (how he desired her, how he loved her, etc) makes y'all so much stronger.......YIKES!!

Lastly, if your serious that you "Will never let it go"....RUN RICHARD RUN!!!

Lori
















Anonymous said...


To Anonymous:

I dont think Richard had this affair because he was in a bad marriage or she was a bad spouse. He even said that "She was a good wife" and they had "a good marriage". Richard started "screwing around" OVER 20 years ago. He screwed himself this time because "he fell in love".

Richard's a divorce attorney, he has heard it all. How men get caught cheating. Yet he did nothing to hide it. He even flaunted it in front of Shawn at the Concert. In case you missed this, Jaymie mentioned that she and Richard were even "holding hands" at the Concert. Maybe Richard had never been "in love" with someone till he meet Jaymie.

shawn thewife said...

MCG: You really nailed this..."letting it go" has many meanings and regardless of how many similarities or differences there are in all our betrayal stories, one thing holds true...infidelity leaves permanent scars.

So, to me..."letting it go" means moving on, but not pretending it never happened. It's gonna take a lot longer than two years to heal the kind of pain DDay brings.
And AUDACIOUS! Love that word! I wish that is what I really was! I'd love to spin my story that way, but because I work hard to type only truth, I gotta admit, my story contains much more madness and delirium than audaciousness!!
Writing the story has helped me heal. If it helps others as well, HUGE bonus!! Huge!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

UGH: I'm thinking those are your initials, but maybe it's just an utterance of exasperation after discussing this less than enjoyable subject!

I hear all your points and I'm sure they could have validity in many cases, but not Richard.

1, 2 & 3)Richard never said any of the old affairs were OK. I am the one that ranked his first two affairs from 20 years ago as less important.
I have written about this before. 20 - 25 years ago, I had 2 affairs also. One was a one night stand, one got a little more serious...for my affair partner, not me. We only had sex a couple of times (Actually maybe only once. I can only remember once!) I didn't turn him away. I encouraged him until I became bored. I liked the fact that he wanted me. It was kind of a game.
But, the hooker 5 years ago and of course, Jaymie, are a whole different animal! To be able to deal with the Jaymie disaster, I had to let the others go for a bit. I've said before, it was like treating a trauma patient. You gotta stop the hemorrhaging from the severed artery before you can focus on the broken leg and the concussion. Does that make sense?
Richard knew all the affairs would hurt me, but he confessed anyway to the three infidelities I would never have found out about. But, I only had the strength to deal with his affair with Jaymie. As I found strength we have discussed the older affairs more carefully. We talked about the previous affairs just this morning as a matter of fact.

4) Richard could cheat again. Hell, I could, too. But, I don't see it happening. We really listen and talk and communicate so damn well. We are in love and we never wanna go to the darkness of DDay again.

5) Richard never intended to leave me. He always wanted to come home. Those were his words. He thought he deserved a mistress. that's what Jaymie was, a toy to enhance his pleasure and ego. He never would have left me for her. Now..if I had thrown his ass out, he may have run to her, but I doubt that, too. They were not equals and he could never live life lowering himself to her maturity level.

So...don't lump all cheating pricks into one unredeemable basket. Sometimes good people do bad things. It's how they work to atone for the sin that matters.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

To Anonymous that wrote the AWESOME metaphor about "Letting it Go"...
Wounds, scars, scabs, itching, burning, freaking flesh eating virus!~!~
That is the pain of adultery exemplified!!
Well done! You need to blog, Babe!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Bonnie: To each her own healing elixir! If ignoring the brain worms/questions make it easier for you...by all means reject the questions, tune them out...BUT..do not discount their value in helping your wayward husband to understand your pain.
Here's to all the different Roads to Happy.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Lori:
You're killin' me! Obsession?? Talking about the most painful event in my life makes me obsessive?
No one is gonna confuse you with Dr. Phil anytime soon.

Revisiting some of the questions is communicating. Richard and I spent over an hour in bed together this morning talking about all of his affairs. I asked a lot of questions AGAIN because of some of the questions readers have asked here...Like...why don't I think Richard will cheat again? We talked a lot about that today. Then, he asked me about the two affairs I had. He still has questions, too! I laid in his arms and we talked. We reaffirmed our love forever and our commitment to honesty and communication. It was awesome. Wounds slightly open only to confirm that they are healing nicely. Thank you.

Now...brass-tacks, Sweetie. (you called me Honey, so I feel close enough to call you Sweetie.) Who in the hell are you to tell me what I need to recover from my personal trauma?? Unless you wanna copy & paste a copy of your PHD, you should really lighten up! Opinions are one thing, everybody has one and the 1st Amendment says you can broadcast it at will, but I never asked for your advice. I'm doing fine, thanks and if I do find a spot on my Road to Happy where I could use a little assist...You probably won't be my 'go-to-gal'.

One thing: PLEASE!! Enlighten us all...are you a betrayed wife? Where do all your exceedingly strong ideas about affair recovery come from?
Inquiring minds wanna know.
`shawn`

shawn thewife said...

To Anonymous that commented on Richard saying "I was a good wife" & mentioned "Richard was a divorce attorney". I truly appreciated the clarification you were providing until your last line..."Maybe Richard had never been IN LOVE till he met Jaymie".

OUCH!! That was kind of like a hot stick in the eye! Really sharp, wickedly painful and I did NOT see it comin'! I can assure you...we were in love when we got married 30 years ago. Real love. Long lasting, forever, till death do us part, deeply committed, real life love. Not puppy love, not you make my dick hard love, not please keep stroking my ego love....The Real Deal.

And...a small correction, it was Richard that wrote to Jaymie about holding hands at the concert. That did not happen in front of me. Richard was not flaunting it. However, it must have happened in front of Jaymie's boyfriend, Josh. Which is kind of weird now that I think about it!
Whatever..not important...but the LOVE issue is VERY important. If we were not IN LOVE there is no way in hell we could have lived through the last 2 years...no way.
I do think you were trying to stand up for me and for that, I am very grateful. I love my readers!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

WTF!! Are you kidding me? You're a fucking cheater too, not to mention a major hipocrit. But It's not the same because you didn't "fall in love", right?

You two sickos deserve eachother. Comparing notes on eachothers affairs is probably foreplay for yall.

Seriously, move the fuck on.

Anonymous said...

When will we women get out of this mindset that just because our cheating husbands dont want to leave us it means they love us?

When will we stop feeling honored that he would never leave me for her?

Is that what a relationship is all about?having other partners but staying together nonetheless?

Is this the new definition of LOVE?

Anonymous said...

Appears you cheated first.WOW hats off to you for landing a husband like Richard who put up with all that you dfid with Jaymie.

No wonder you dont want to leave him!!!!

He is equally scared of leaving you.

But Love???i dont think so..at least not healthy love.

Just HABIT of being together for 30 years and laziness at starting life afresh.Irrespective.

Anonymous said...

I think what is missed here is this: relationships are not perfect. Love can be messy. There are no cut and dry answers for everyone's issues in life. We do not walk in each other shoes. It is VERY easy to throw judgement when we are on the "outside". And lest we forget, this is Shawn's blog to heal however she chooses! Kudos to her for putting it all out there. HATERS please find another blog.....

Marney said...

Dear Shawn,

I went for a visit to my IC yesterday, and he said that as long as I'm still asking questions, there is still some love there. And that if I need to ask them for the rest of my life, so be it. He said my H should look at the questions as, "Yes! she still cares!" Because once the questions stop, it usually means the wife starts filling out paperwork. So let them rip, Shawn. Today. Tomorrow. Whenever one pops in your head.

My husband totally fucked up. He was a flaming asshole for about 6 months. I think he was severely depressed over his high-pressure job. Found a whore at work who took his mind off things and the A was like a drug he self administered. No excuses,that's just what happened. He was too fucking weak to go get help or even mention his anxiety to me. He's an idiot for making such stupid choices. But now he's trying hard to make it up to me. And he's going to die trying. He knows what he did almost cost him everything. He is grateful I am still here. Before the A, he was a good man, a good H, and a good father. Somedays, I forgot that, and then comes the questions. The answers are always peppered with the remoreseful "I'm so sorrys," and I then view him as the same man, just more broken than I ever knew, like he is wearing polio braces. But all this is to say, you need to keep asking the questions to heal and rebuild the communication that totally sucked leading up to th affair. Your morning conversation is super glue to your marriage. Love it.

Marney

Anonymous said...

So, because we dont agree with Shawn we are Haters?

Shawn has been writing about how heartbroken she is over what Richard did to her. Asking, Why, Why, Why did he do this to poor Shawn. She was a good wife, they had a great marriage. Let us not forget when she said "Everyone wanted to be us". She tormented every single person she possible could. Not to mention embarrassing the Fuck out of this poor guy by making ALL his Shit public on this blog. And now, NOW! we find out she did the same....TWICE!! Why Shawn - Why did you cheat (twice) if you had such a great marriage? What is it about you two sick fucks that you both have to go outside of your marriage to have sex and think its okay, as long as there are no feelings attached.

RICHARD go back to Jaymie. Run back to Jaymie. She showed you what love really is. I'm sure she never cheated on you. And I am positive she has more CLASS than Shawn to put your shit out for the public.

So disappointed.






Anonymous said...

Marney,

Find a new IC. If your still asking questions its because you too cant let it go and move on. Ask your husband what he thinks about you still asking about his affair. He will probably tell you differently. Its when you start to communicate about the now and the future (Not the dreadful pass) that you will find your happy.

Seriously....who wants to keep hearing about their husband screwing another women.

Anonymous said...

Dear HATER:

You do have a lot of anger! And judgement. Shawn has along welcomed disagreements....but why attack her personally? Maybe IC would be good for you...you could find where your compassion and understand are hiding....

shawn thewife said...

Holy Moly! That's a shit ton of angry for first thing in the morning!
Since the Angry Birds choose to remain anonymous and refuse to share any of their stories, I can only respond to all the vehemence generally. Here we go...

If you have followed my blog from the start, you would have already been aware of the fact that the night I found the emails exchanged between Jaymie & Richard, he and I shared a VERY lengthy confessional. He coughed up all the info about his past affairs. I swear, it was like he couldn't wait to expel the poison! His open soul gave me the courage to share what I had done so long ago. I didn't cheat first...or, maybe I did, neither of us can remember much about such a long time ago. We both agree we were young, selfish and and downright stupid. Guess I'd have to admit to being as dumb as Jaymie when I was her age. So, there might still be hope for her.

If you had actually read this blog before you started spewing your ignorance you'd understand, I'm not just admitting my mistakes now. The majority of my blog is about my mistakes! I use this blog as a tool for moving on.

Where in the hell did you get the idea that betrayed wives feel "honored" that our wayward husbands would never leave us for the other woman? "Honored"?? If you want to have a serious discussion about how betrayed wives handle the trauma of infidelity, you are welcome here, even if your opinion differs. BUT...if you intend to continue to pull little nuggets of bullshit outta your ass like that, we got nothin' to talk about.

Let me tell you about love. Let me educate you about the deep, steadfast, courageous love I feel for Richard. The fact that he lost his mind due to depression for a few months almost killed me, but I love him enough to fight back at my pain and find ways to heal my marriage. Richard has so much love for me, that he has been a rock. He dealt with his own demons as he tried to support me. If you had REALLY been reading this blog, you'd see that without our life long love, there ain't an ice cubes chance in hell we would still be together. Affair recovery is so fucking hard! You gotta have love to survive it.

About embarrassing Richard with this blog...He could care less who knows. All he cares about is us. Whatever it takes for us to be happy together is what we focus on. Maybe he did let me have WAY too much rope the first year. Truth is, he couldn't have stopped me. I almost hung myself and he kind of stood by and watched me do it. But, there are no rules to recovery. All pain is unique to the individual. If it helps us to talk about that pain, who are you to judge?

As far as Richard running back to Jaymie?? ROTFLMAO! I've never claimed to be the classiest broad in the neighborhood, but I can assure you...that little two-bit baby whore ain't got nothing on me...except maybe perky little tits and a blatant neediness that made her a perfect target.

Sorry I disappointed you. Not sure what you are looking for here, but if you don't share some of WHY you landed your ship of malice here on my blog, you will be blocked from this port in the future.
Like I said before...many times...all opinions are welcome here, but not if they have no constructive value. That's just a waste of cyber space.
`shawn`

Wanda said...

Hi Shawn
Well said!! Please don't stop blogging as you are helping so many of us and making us smile a lot of the time too. I'm not sure why men/women/trolls are bothering to read your blog if they feel like Annonymous.
Wanda x

Stephanie C. said...

I see that these "anonymous" posts seem to come in waves a few minutes apart from each other...hmmmm.

I smell a fucking, cheating OW here and why not? It is a safe, anonymous place for her to vent and to post her inane and irrelevant opinions. She, and the manipulative and conniving whores just like her, should find another blog where they can compare stories of lost "love" and what might have been, lest for that pesky, goddamn wife!! As a betrayed wife who is married to a husband who is sorry beyond words, I don't give a rat's ass what she has to say. In my case, I would say to the OW.... put as much effort into your own marriage as you did into trying to snag my husband, and you might have a real chance at happiness.

Shawn, you have been totally honest and transparent, baring the most personal parts of your marriage... good, bad and indifferent. Kudos to you for sharing your story, warts and all.

And "anonymous", what do they say about people who live in glass houses????

Hope and hugs to you, dear Shawn..

Anonymous said...

I've been reading with interest, for awhile now. I've had a few questions along the way, as well as a few early opinions regarding how you chose to describe the participants in the affair ("wayward spouse VS. skank, slut, home wrecker, baby whore etc...) However, once I read more, I realized that you were simply blogging about your feelings in the MOMENT. When I saw that you also openly discussed YOUR own mistakes, during this entire healing process, I thought it best that I reserve judgement and comment until I knew more.

That being said....some of the comments that THIS post have received, have touched on some of the questions that I have had. Having not walked in your shoes, I do not judge, but I too, wondered why the "other affairs" did not matter, yet this one did? You have explained, in your own way, why that is the case....and really, that is all that matters. That YOU are okay with it. But personally, it really doesn't make sense to me.

It seems as if R's affair with J, pushed you over the edge, not just b/c he was temporarily "in love" with her, but also because, even if he was "out of his mind" or "addicted", she was perceived as a threat to you. This is not to say that you were threatened by HER physically or specifically....but you were threatened by the fact that in his state of "crazy", that he might actually make a mistake, and choose her over you and your family. And that is understandable.

For me though, the fact that R had 3 other affairs (that you know of) prior to this one, regardless of their length or meaning, defines his character. He is a serial cheater. And while that may be okay with you, b/c you have chosen to put THOSE affairs in the past, it speaks volumes as to his character. (continued...)

Anonymous said...

What I never understand is why a wife, regardless of "years together" would take back a man, with a strong history of cheating, who is ONLY sorry, because he got caught. Even if he was depressed or in a mid-life crisis, this is hardly a new way of coping for this man. This is a man, who has always "had it all" on the outside, but has had something HUGE missing on the inside, regardless of where YOU thought your relationship stood. This is a man, who had to choose at 60 YEARS OLD, what he wanted to do. And he HAD to do the "right" thing.

He chose you and your family, b/c he really had no other options. His pride, appearance, social standing, job and any other external influence, is what he based his decision on. He did not respect YOU, or your family, or your life, or your history enough.... to not fall in love with a very young girl. He STAYED with YOU, but he chose HER. HE STAYS with you, b/c quite frankly, at his age, and with all he stands to lose, he has to.

What I don't understand is why it takes almost losing it all after an entire marriage laced with infidelity, at the ripe old age of 60, to make him choose to finally
'communicate" with you? He didn't have an affair b/c he wasn't being honest about his needs. He had an affair, b/c it is WHO HE IS. He stays with YOU, because he is comfortable and because you are familiar. And while I can understand your anger and hurt, if this is how you responded to an affair, I can only imagine how you would have responded to him actually leaving you for J. And I believe that R knows that too. He knew that if he chose her, that you would make the rest of his life a living hell.

I just really can't wrap my mind around the intensity of your anger over J, while letting the "other" affairs go. The meant something to, whether you want to acknowledge that or not. They meant that even then, when you thought you had a wonderful marriage, he still CHOSE to cheat on you. And maybe that is b/c you have been unfaithful as well? I was actually shocked to read that. And I don't hold judgement there either. It just really surprised me, given your response to HIS affair. (cont....)

Anonymous said...

The other thing that is really bothersome is the labels that you have chosen to place on J. She was a VERY young girl and regardless of how YOU feel about her, she was more of a victim here, than you. How could she understand, or respect, the meaning of a 30 year marriage, having never been married? She hasn't even been alive as long as you have been married, and yet you have held her to a standard of "knowing" in the way one would hold a woman who has truly LIVED life, and has learned about life through experience.

To be very blunt, while she was of "legal age" I would have great difficulty in pretending that there wasn't something slightly predatory in your husband of advanced age, to have fallen for, and most likely seduced, someone THAT young. He keeps getting a pass, while she is thrown under the bus and called horrific names, when the truth is that he, with his many years of experience (in both life AND affairs) has "seen this movie before". The age difference is something that you should find quite disturbing, as he is old enough to be her grandfather. You seem to continually skirt around that issue and it is not okay.

If YOUR young daughter were in J's shoes, I am pretty sure you would HATE the "old pervert" who lied to her and allowed her to fall in love with him. And I am sure your comeback might be that YOUR daughter was "raised right" and would NEVER do such a thing. But my point is that IF your daughter WAS in this position, YOU would hold a MARRIED man who is 60 years old WAY more responsible than you would hold her, because HE should KNOW BETTER. (cont....)

Anonymous said...

It just seems like the wife ALWAYS takes her husband back, under the belief that SHE is the one he truly loves. And that may be partly true. But I don't understand the sense of pride in believing that he would never have left you for her. He would have, in a heartbeat, if you didn't have kids, if he wasn't 60, and if he wouldn't have lost his reputation. R stayed with you, b/c he had to. Because he had no other real options that wouldn't have labeled him a pig, or a dead beat dad, or a pervert. That is why R stayed. Because he had to. But not b/c he wanted to. And he may "want to" now, but I don't believe for one second it is sincere.

You are living in the past. You are continuing to RE-LIVE the past. You spread these entries out and that keeps you focused on what "happened" as opposed to what IS HAPPENING. You have a count down from D-Day, as if finding out your husband has had an affair is as big a deal as finding out a loved one has died or that you have cancer.

Your husband had an affair. YOU LET HIM STAY. YOU LET HIM HAVE HIS CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. MOST HUSBANDS DON'T LEAVE. Your love isn't THAT special. As a matter of fact, you and R's situation is simply textbook. Stereotypical. You guys are nothing more than a percentage. 95% of cheating MEN stay with their wives. Which means that 95% of wives, let them. I find that sad.

If you are such an independent and opinionated woman, why on earth, knowing all that you know now, would you allow a man like that, to stay? 30 years of marriage is NOT reason enough to stay. It's just another excuse to justify not being the hardass you might have thought you would be in this situation, until it happened to you. I don't believe for a second that R isn't miserable with his current situation. I'm sure he sleeps with you and says what you need to hear, but really, what are his options? I would venture to guess that deep down, if he had it to do over again, that it wouldn't be with you. Maybe he wouldn't have chosen to have 4+ affairs in hindsight, but seriously? Is that enough for you?

You most likely disagree. And that may be because you don't think you have any other options either. But the truth is that R will probably eat crow and let you be the boss for the rest of his life, b/c now that his "mid life crisis" is over, or rather, now that he has been busted, he has accepted that he's not a young man with options anymore.

It's easy to realize how GREAT your wife is, after you have spent your ENTIRE LIFE doing as you pleased. After realizing that you really aren't a young guy with lots of choices anymore. And after realizing that you don't REALLY have a choice. (at least not a socially acceptable one) It's easy to stay. As a matter of fact, it's MUCH easier to stay, that it is to leave. It's just sad that women always turn that around into their spouses CHOOSING THEM, when in all actuality, they were supposed to have done that on their wedding day.

Great love doesn't work this way. Compassionate, resigned love might, but not great, TRUE love. What you guys have is two people, filled with insecurity, who simply don't have the energy, or the courage, to do better, and that is sad. Your husband is a serial cheater. He WAS an over confident man of low character with no moral compass. He did what felt good. Maybe you were simply too busy to notice, but a HAPPY man.....a TRULY happy man, doesn't cheat throughout his ENTIRE marriage only to see the light at 60 years old, and only once he got caught. Mistakes happen, yes....but a lifetime full of them is a choice. Not an accident.

Since you have chosen to keep R, for your sake, I hope you get to the "End" of your story soon, for your own healing. Although in finally catching up, and in seeing how long you have chosen to drag this story out, I highly doubt that there will ever be an ending to this.

Best of luck.

Anonymous said...

And not that you care, but I am NOT the other Anonymous' that have posted on your blog. I am not a young, OW. I don't have a PHD. But I DO read your blog, and I DO have an opinion, with points, that for YOUR sake, I think are worth addressing. I have never posted before. I simply don't have a Blogger/Google account, and will sign as....

Beth

shawn thewife said...

Beth: Thanks for leaving a name so I can address your comments directly. Before I answer your questions and try to counter your opinions of my situation, please answer a few questions for me.
What brought you to my blog? Why do you have any interest in a blog about a betrayed wife? What happened in your life that gave you such strong opinions about how affair aftermath should be handled?
Thanks in advance for your response.
Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn..

I am going to have to come back later to answer your questions fully. As we all know, to give a nutshell version of anything, leaves too much room for interpretation. I will answer as concisely as possible now, but I will give more detailed answers later.

First, I stumbled onto your blog from another site of some sort, and I honestly cannot remember which one. It may have even been a google search of "affairs". I will think on that or try to re-trace my steps if you would like.

I kept reading b/c quite frankly, your story was captivating. I honestly think that you should have saved every piece of this and written a book, b/c you write THAT well and people WOULD purchase it. I would. You truly have a gift for expression, detail and description. While I believe that journaling is an healthy outlet, I do not believe that THIS blog is healthy anymore. (more on that later.)

Your honesty is YOUR truth, and that is what I respect. I respect ever ounce of your attempt to heal and even to try and save the marriage. (more later) The common theme of the OW being the target of so much anger and revenge, while the Husband who cheated ALWAYS gets a pass, is one that has ALWAYS blown my mind. I get the "love" theory and the "length of time together" theory and even the "keeping the family together" theory. All valid reasons when trying to repair a marriage. I do not however, understand such hatred toward a woman, and especially one this young, who did not have a commitment to you. For the OW, you are NEVER a thought. (maybe some guilt or remorse, but you are just a name, in most cases.) I WILL elaborate on this for you also.....as I NEED to do so for you to understand. ( please do not assume a home wrecking OW sits on the other end.)

Finally, I do NOT believe that there is any RIGHT way or ONE way to try and repair the damage caused by an affair. Not at all. I will also elaborate here.

My main issue (and while it is none of my business, your blog IS out there for the public to see) is that I feel that you are better than this. I feel that R got ANOTHER pass, after a lifetime of feel good moments and betrayal. I have no respect for someone like that, and again, I have reasons.

Just for reference, I have a history in Psychology and Medicine. I use words that are technical, like "insecurity" or even the word "ignorance" for example. It is hard to read intention or emotion in black and white....so know that I use clinical words not as "name calling" but in their definitive sense. (and I did not call you ignorant, that was just an example for a word often used as an insult, which truly just means, uneducated on a topic) I think that may clear up any intention of attempting to hurl insults at you, which I am not.

Beth

Anonymous said...

PS...I realize that you believe that R...has not gotten a pass. I realize that anger toward the OW can be a natural response. But getting to keep YOU, IS the ultimate pass. The anger and hatred for the OW MUST be resolved in the same way, to truly move on. If you forgive R, you must forgive her as well. (more later.)

Also, I do not want you to feel as if you have to waste any energy in defending your stance. Or in addressing my perception. This is your blog and your choice. If you WANT to respond, please do so. But please do not feel obligated to defend your choices. I realize that my entry was blunt, but again, emotion is lost in black and white words. You owe me NO defense.

I honestly just believe that you are better than all of this, now that all of the pieces are there. (at least now that you have gotten this far into the story.) It just makes me very sad to see a woman struggle and possibly live with this kind of pain, for the rest of HER life, when SHE doesn't have to. And I know that many WANT to, out of "love". So I am not arguing. Just clarifying (briefly) part of my stance.

Beth

Anonymous said...

Beth,

You ask some very pointed questions. But like Shawn, I would really like to hear your story. From what place do all these questions come from? Are we research for you?

Flaca said...

THANK YOU for this blog. I just discovered it. I am a year at DDay and I knot it sucks at anytime of the year but finding out an affair during the holidays and reliving it during the holidays just sucks!! I stumbled on this blog from another and I really appreciate your candor and your thoughts. I struggle surviving and your blog gave me strength. My husband and I are trying to recover but it is really hard sometimes. I wish you nothing but the BEST Shawn. Happy Holidays and peace to your & R.

shawn thewife said...

Hello, Flaca:
Glad you found us. Sorry you were looking!
DDay over the holidays...So NOT festive!
The first anniversary of your DDay can be miserable. It was for me. I hope you are able to focus on the "NOW" better than I could. Live in the moment. Fight off the brainworms. It takes practice, but you can get better at it. Goodness knows, if I figured it out anybody can!
Join me on the Road to Happy. Traveling with friends makes the trip a tad easier.
Hope, Hugs & Happy Holidays! Shawn

Anonymous said...

Beth. I too am really interested as to what your circumstances are and why you are posting such strong opinions on Shawn's blog. Your words say to me you've never been betrayed. Is that correct? If so, your words are so far out of line I can't even express. Before my husband of 12 years, soulmate of 17, had a brief but intense affair with a woman/friend from his past, we had a fairy tale marriage. We were perfect friends and lovers. Additionally, I was raised to be an extremely strong woman, driven, successful at everything I did. Always the one who did the breaking up, not broken up with. Very confident, pretty, fit, funny, kind and compassionate. Always thought, if anyone EVER cheated on me, I would surely kick them to the curb. Since I discovered the affair, I've been an absolute wreck. Unstable emotions. Insecure about myself and of course, my husbands real feelings for me. Taking actions that are jeopardizing my executive level position at work. Lost a ton of weight, and I did not need to. Actually thought to myself several times, if I died I don't care. Sleeping too much and not exercising at all. Drinking too much. The exact opposite of who I was. I hate my husband for what he's done to me, to us and to our sons. Yet, I love him and want to work it out. Yes, for the kids, yes for our finances, yes for the difficulty divorce brings. But also I committed to him before God and our family that I would stay with him for better and for worse. This is the absolute worst. And yes, it is as bad as a loved one dying or finding out you have cancer. It is a shock. It is a trauma. It is utterly devastating. You and your safe little world are FOREVER altered. That said, same as you move on and repair after other traumatic events, you can do the same after adultery. Yes, I am exonerated by God to divorce. God also asks us to forgive others as He has forgiven us. If I embrace that, he will give me the tools to repair. It's a gift and my choice to accept it. Does that make me weak? Does that make me pathetic? Does that give my husband a free pass and make him think he could do it again? To some, maybe. For my husband and me, he made a mistake and I'm choosing to give him another chance. Same with Shawn. Same with tons of other women. Please don't judge us for our choices, rather support us, even if it is not what you would do or how you would do it. We are grieving a loss. If we are still "obsessing" as you call it 1, 2, 5 years later that is how we are handling our grief. That should be respected not attacked. I'm always curious why people have an opinion that they feel they need to vehemently shove down someone's throat in such a hurtful way. To offer an opinion as an opinion, but gently and in a friendly spirit is one thing. Your words are so vicious and I wonder what's happened on your life to make you say these things in this manner. Sad. Whatever it is I hope you will be ok. I only wish that for all. As for you Shawn. You are brave to put your story out there and be open to all types of feedback in order to heal and help others is something I consider amazing. Thank you! Love and peace from ME. :)

Anonymous said...

ME again.
One more thing about me: I am a selfless individual. If I did just divorce my cheating husband, my insecure feelings would not heal instantly. Instead what it would do is bring those same trauma-induced feelings to my children. To my parents and my in laws to a lesser extent. I simply could not do that to them. Additionally, and no offense Shawn, I don't care about the other woman. I have strong opinions of her, but if I dwell on that it inhibits my ability to move forward. That said, I will NEVER allow another woman, especially one who would consciously participate in the destruction of a family, now play an active role in the upbringing of my sons. NEVER. That was a big factor in my decision to stay.

shawn thewife said...

Good morning, ME!
That, my dear, was an excellent comment. You truly drove home the point that choosing to repair our marriages doesn't make us weak or pathetic, it makes us brave! Working to move on after infidelity is like waging war! We know our ultimate goal but achieving the objective is extremely complicated and hazardous, littered with land mines.

For me, Beth is a welcome reader/commenter even though her opinions lean toward the polar opposite of mine. I welcome the chance to explore other ideas, opposing views and to discuss experiences that might shed additional light on the darkness of DDay. You just never know when God might send a messenger to teach us all a thing or two!
Yes, I hope to keep the information swap amicable, but sometimes, I get my panties in a bunch, so I can't be shocked when others do, as well. I hope to never be hypocritical in that regard.
I've been shut out of other blogs due to my "highly opinionated" comments. I realize I become overzealous defending the betrayed. I am disappointed in myself when my emotions get the better of me and take away from the ability to make my point. I can't let that happen here.
This blog has become a tool for marriage repair, not just for me, but others, as well. Too many others. :-(
Dialog from all sides of the adultery triangle will always be permitted here.
Thank you so much for your thoughts.
Love and peace back at cha, Babe!
Hope & hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

ME again! We were typing simultaneously! I missed your additional VERY important words!
"I don't care about the other woman." Whoo Hoo!
I take no offense to brilliant expressions of personal success!
You have already won the arduous battle that I waged (in my anger and ignorance) for over a year! You are focused on the main objective! Healing your relationship with your wayward husband!

You, my dear ME, are a five star general in the war of infidelity and I salute you!
I sure hope you stick around and share some of that level headed wisdom with other recovering readers!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

I don't feel very level headed but thank you! I love reading your story Shawn. It gives me hope. I was reading lots if blogs but then I found if I read to many, it would stir up a lot if emotions that were not helpful. That is what I feel so strongly that if your blog is a site for learning and healing, someone with such an opposite opinion could make me second guess my choices when I am so vulnerable. Yes I've made the decision to not kick him out and work on our marriage. Am I confident it will be good long term? H to the NO! I feel I need to surround myself with marriage-friendly people and not those who are telling my husband to RUN like some freakish Dick and Jane book!

That said, regarding the OW. My story and history with her is insane. Sparing the gory details, she has been in and out of our lives since I've known my husband. At some point, very early on, she developed strong feelings for him. We almost broke up over it before we were married. His adamance in continuing their friendship trumped our relationship. I found a letter she wrote to him actually asking him to break up with me. She re-entered our lives and my big mistake here: because I always trusted him I condoned their friendship and allowed that friendship to exist independent of me. I wanted nothing to do with her, but foolishly believed he could and would NEVER cross a line. He was trustworthy and we were happy. Fast forward: I was out of town with our children, and she asked him to come visit. I ok'd it. Can you believe that? I practically gift wrapped him and handed him over to her. I need to live with that. Sometimes it's not about character it's about opportunity, vulnerability and poor boundaries. Happy marriages and trustworthy individuals are not immune. We are all human and flawed! We have the capacity to make bad choices, and and made one. It's forgivable, as long as there is changed behavior. It was a rocky few months but the behavioral changes are evident. Subtle from one day to the next but over time, apparent. That is what I hang my hope on. That and God's mercy.

That said, only time will tell. I am no longer the doe-eyed trusting person I was. I don't check his emails constantly or demand passwords, but I have my ways of finding out. Plus I KNEW. He thinks he was compartmentalizing but he was different. It's called guilt. That's why I started checking certain things and it's what led me to the proof of the affair. Any future odd statements or behavior, any strange feelings, I will find out. If there's contact or worse, I find it resumed (because I'm sure it's over) I don't know that I could be so forgiving again. Everyone has there limits! And I cannot and will not be a door may. Forgiveness does not mean acceptance and tolerance. And there would be forgiveness again but not reconciliation. That said, I'm focusing on the positive and you, dear Shawn are positive for me!

ME

Anonymous said...

I have two questions:

One to your readers....

1. For those of you that say that this blog "gives you hope". Hope of what exactly?

One for you.....

2. Where is Jaymie today? Wouldn't mind an update on her, if you wouldn't mind given it.

I'm not an enemy of any sort, just curious.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: First a question for you...why in the world would I think you're an enemy?? I can't imagine having enemies on this blog! Now...if you wanna talk about some readers that disagree with me...no doubt! Some readers that don't think much of me (to put it nicely)...you betcha! But, enemies...never considered it.

Here's your answer for your question addressed to me: I have no clue what she's doing now. I haven't given a rat's ass about what Jaymie does with her pathetic little life for over a year. Just a few weeks after I started this blog and found the wonderful, compassionate people on the support forum, The Healing Heart, I let the bitch go! It was a huge weight off my shoulders! Ironically, at about the same time she filed a restraining order against me. The timing was stellar. If she had filed before I found the Healing Heart, I would have fought her ass with every piece of dirty laundry I could dig up!
Just a couple of weeks earlier...I'm tellin' you, it would have been sooooo ugly!
So, the short answer is...no idea what she is doing now and that's just the way i like it!
Can't wait to hear what other readers have to say about your first question. I'm very curious!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

From ME...
I see there is hope for a marriage that seems hopeless and hope for a betrayed wife's heart to heal, learn from the whole experience and even laugh and have fun after one of the most painful things someone could go through.

Marney said...

This blog gives me hope that I will laugh and love my life again. It gives me hope that what is broken can be repaired. I have stopped looking at my H as this horrible monster who did this to me, and instead see a broken man who did this to himself. Such a mess he made. I have also learned to let the bitch go, something I would not have done without Shawn's advice.

Like ME, so many other blogs put me in a bad mood. I would then throw it up on my husband that night. I no longer read those. Just Shawn's. It helps keep me motivated and more at peace.

Anonymous said...

This blog gives me hope by letting me hear that my over the top anger and rage at my spouse and the situation was also felt by others and that it will get better. Hope that altho an affair feels at times like the end of my world...it isn't. There are worse things in life!

Mud Bay Muse said...

Shawn's blog allows me to hope that I have not gone completely bat-shit crazy. Through the tales of Shawn's exploits and her reader's responses to them I see that the "crazy" train ride of emotional ups and downs that I rode in the aftermath of his affair is not as whacko as it felt at the time. And like the other responders, it gives me hope that there are pathways out of this mess and demonstrates people make their way out in their own way on their own time more often than I ever thought possible.

Finally, it gives me hope that I am not some seriously weak frail inadequate creature because it demonstrates that whacked affairs happen to other strong, funny, together women too ...and most of us go a little nuts in the aftermath of finding out.

MCG

Anonymous said...

Infidelity can blindside a person, it certainly did me. I am only sorry it took me nearly a year after dday to find Shawn's blog through another fine blog, The Betrayed Wives Club. The love, support and understanding shared by the beautiful women that post here has been a godsend for me. We all may not have exactly the same circumstances, but there is HOPE in the stories and the wisdom of those that have been there before us and are coming out on the other side. And I'd like to think that I am paying it forward and giving hope to others by sharing my story. The fact that I didn't lose my marbles, that I have let my revenge obsession with the OW go... that our marriage is actually stronger and more love filled than ever (after 37 years) is a testament to what can be accomplished, even after the initial devastation upon discovery of an affair. I'm no Pollyanna, but if a husband is happy to be DONE with with the OW, not a serial cheater, and truly in love with his wife, a relationship can survive and even thrive. It happened for me...

Stephanie C.

Anonymous said...

After much thought and After reading the comments from Anonymous (aka Me) I feel as if I should not really get into the sordid details of my story.

For Anon, though, and for anyone else who has read part of my story, I want to clarify that I AM, a betrayed spouse. I DID have valuable information to share. I feel now though, that this is not the blog to do that on.

I did not feel as if I were attacking Shawn, rather that I was speaking in defense of her. Yes, I asked pointed and direct questions and stated opinions that were possibly different from hers. But I did have my reasons for asking and for stating and I mistakenly thought that I clarified my tone.

It appears however, that I most likely need to give my thoughts to an audience that isn't quite so raw, and maybe one who hasn't chosen to follow a much different approach to healing, than I have.

In closing, I will say that I had such strong opinions due mostly to the fact that this was not just a one time situation for Richard. It appears to me, as if he has lived his entire life doing what felt good, during certain moments, and in my own personal and professional experience, that is a statement of character, not to be corrected or changed, only when forced.

While they were strong, I am sad that my questions and thoughts were taken as an attack, or as judgement, since I clearly stated that I was not judging, on more than one occasion.

For the Anonymous commenter (aka:Me) who voiced your opinion on me...I can only tell you that I feel pity for you. You appear to be "staying" for all the wrong reasons, but who am I to judge? (not wanting the OW to be near your children and having an obvious issue in regard to religious expectation). Again, I don't state that maliciously, I just hope that in the end, it is enough, since you, yourself, mentioned that reading "other types of blogs" caused you to pause and question your choice. That is up to you, however the writings of others should not influence you, as much as you have stated that they do.

Shawn, I wish you well in your journey. I am sorry to cut this dialogue short, but as with any other public outlet or forum, your blog attracts it's own kind of followers, who NEED what you believe. I have never, and am not saying that it is wrong. I am simply saying that while my situation mirrors yours almost exactly, it appears that I need to accept that this place is a place for those who have chosen to do what you have done.... as opposed to learning other truths and thus following other paths.

I wish you well, and hope you find the true peace and happiness that I feel, you deserve.

Beth

Anonymous said...

Beth...your comments are very cryptic to me, but I am assuming by your remarks that your marriage did not survive your husband's affair. It seems that the opinions expressed by some betrayed wives on this site, especially Shawn's, do not resonate with you and perhaps even rub you the wrong way. Your comments border on condescending, as if the women who choose to give their marriage another chance NEED (your word) to identify with Shawn, as if we are some kind of lost souls in search of a guru.
My husband and I have chosen to start anew...to stay together and create a fresh and loving and fully conscious way of being married. I am looking to identify with and be supported and uplifted by others who are striving for that too. Shawn is a role model to many, including me, on how to handle certain situations and how NOT to handle them. It is not gospel. Take what you need and leave the rest. And as far as "learning other truths and following other paths"...each of us has our own set of circumstances that may mitigate our responses. I just happen to be comforted by knowing that I am not alone in my struggles, and sometimes walking down a rough and rocky road with an understanding friend can make the journey infinitely easier... Stephanie

Anonymous said...

Bye bye Beth.

shawn thewife said...

BETH! Don't bail! I believe, wholeheartedly, that we can ALL learn from each other. However, because the situations we find ourselves in are so emotionally tender and volatile at the same time, sometimes we are not as open minded to others' ideas as we would normally be.
Plus, for me anyway, if someone challenges what I have come to cling to as my primary method of dragging my sad-sack self back from the brink of the adultery abyss, I freak at first! That scares me! What if I don't know what I'm talking about! What if all my efforts are nothing but me watching smoke be blown straight up my skirt through rose colored glasses?? Maybe you're right and Richard will NEVER change. Maybe his character is so flawed he should forever be denied a chance to redeem himself.

Anyway...this is really good fodder for another post! Sharing opposing opinions is exactly what I want this blog to be about. Sure...it's based on my thoughts, my blunders, my pain and my recovery, but I do not write to lecture nor have I ever claimed to know what in the fuck I'm talking about most of the time!
I need ALL of you! You are my support, my strength, my tools and my sweet ride on the Road to Happy!
So...for all of you...PLEASE!!! Share what you believe. Tell us your story. Don't be afraid to be the voice of alternative ideas. Yeah, you might get snapped at. We might get our collective panties in a bunch and lash out, but who cares?? As betrayed wives we have so MUCH more in common than we wanna admit. Our differences are lesser than our common connections, without a doubt.
Let's try and remember we all have to find our own Road to Happy and I bet there will be many places on the trip where we will find that our unique and separate paths intersect.
I love and need you all!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Shawn, you are a gem. I love your enthusiasm and curiosity, and the fact that you happily open this forum to all is a testament to your generous nature.

Hope and hugs right back at you... Stephanie

Anonymous said...

Ok, Enemy may not have been the right word. It just seems like the women here tend to assume that if you dont agree then you MUST be a betrayer or the OW.

Anyway, great answers to my questions. Thank you.

I have 2 more for you Shawn (Again, if you dont mind....feel free to cut me off).

1. Do you wish you didn't know as much as you do about his affair? I ask this because for me that is what constantly haunts me.

2. If you had never found out the the details of this affair and just assumed it was a sex thing like the others, do you think Richard would be working so hard to make things right, like he is now?


Miracles and Blessings to you Shawn and all the other women who come here.

Robin






Anonymous said...

Shawn,
I found your blog in August which was one year from DDay for me after over 20 years of marriage. I started Google searching for info from people when they were at the same point in this mess that I was. I had hoped by a year this would be an ugly part of my past which, at times, it is. Unfortunately, all too often it is still a part of my daily life. The deepest of the rage is gone (most of the time, at least) but it still takes up so much mental energy. One stupid trigger can suck me in for the whole day like it did today or send me into a paranoid spiral where I have to keep digging and digging to find ways to convince myself that he doesn’t have another phone or a hidden email account or another way for that fucking whore to get in touch with him and blindside me again.

Just to be clear, since day one (well, maybe more like since week 2) he has done everything he could to be open, honest and helpful to me. I really think he is genuinely sorry and he still apologizes if he senses I am hurting or even just thinking about things. Our relationship is better than it has been in years. I don’t think he is, or even wants to be in contact with her any more, but the same doesn’t go for her. She made it clear she did not want it to end and her actions make it obvious she would go back to him in a heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself. (I call her a cling-on slut as she reminds me of those little cling-on terds that occasionally get caught on my dog’s ass when I let his hair get too long. Nasty little things that are no fun to address but they really stink up the place if you happen to miss one).

Reading here gives me hope that the one year deadline that I had set for myself at the onset of this train ride through hell was, in fact, a serious underestimate of time. You and your followers have shown me that the fact that I did not reach my goal doesn’t mean I have failed and should give up. It still may be possible to reach Happy again. ~Momma B

Anonymous said...

I'm in a similar position with my boyfriend of nearly two years, although I can imagine how much more difficult it is to deal with infidelity when you have a family in tow. Thank you Shawn for sharing your journey so candidly, and I wish you nothing but the best as you move forward.

I'm wondering, how were you able to trust your husband after you found out? Have you ever thought that this affair was reflective of his character? Did you go through the "you are not who I thought you were" phase, and if so how did you overcome that?

Happy Holidays!

Anonymous said...

what you put up with , you end up with.

put up with cheating and you end up with a cheater.

Anonymous said...

I too somewhere feel that if we women did not condone cheating or if we let the men face the consequences of infidelity(which does not mean only the raving and ranting and questioning or outing them) then there wouldnt be as many cheating men.

Of course it would take years and years for the change to come about but it would if they knew that they would lose their home and hearth and kids if they cheated.

I dont think they mind losing us since by cheating they have already shown they dnt really care about us.Its only because we come a sa package deal..if they want their home, their hearth, their kids , their social and professional standing all neatly wrapped and package dthey have to have us.

Thats the only reason a man stays.

He just doesnt want to move his ass adjusting and adapting to a new life.

In a way men who leave and set up a new home with the new woman are at least upfront about thier actions and not like some ass which comes home with his tail between his legs, or in such cases, his dick firmly back in his pants.just because he got caught.

And for the record, i was cheated on and betrayed .

Anonymous said...

I just found this blog, yesterday and left two comments and felt compelled to comment again. I like your spirit, Shawn. I like that you are giving people hope. You give me hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, because my husband is sorry, did cut it off, and does realize that he was living in a fantasy, but I think that only happened because the affair was running it's course and as she became pouty about his vague promises of a future and he began to see her for who she really was, a pathetic married whore with two kids from two different men who had no problem engaging in an affair with my husband while she was engaged, still got married, and continued to sleep with my H. I understand Beth's questioning Shawn's previous infidelities because I don't know if I would have felt as entitled to feeling so shocked, hurt and indignant if I had done the same thing. Sadly, I think I would have somehow felt better that I had fooled around too, rather than played the stupid wife who believed her husband would never cheat on her. But that is neither here nor there. It's not my job to judge. I also understand the woman who stays for her children and because she doesn't want them around the other woman. I totally get that. My children are the only reason I am here right now, they don't know about the A. Without them my pride would have pushed me right out the door and I would have grieved, but I also would have sat down with a bucket of popcorn and happily watched their pathetic lives crumble when reality set in. For now, staying for the kids is enough. It is all still so raw for me that I have a hard time saying I still love him, my mind has taken control over my heart and my mind says you can't love someone who has treated you this poorly. But I will give it a chance, because it doesn't escape me that if we divorced (I can say with 99% confidence he would not be with the OW, though he might go back for some sex) eventually, he would meet and marry someone else. Someone whom I'm sure he would treat just like the second wife, if you know what I mean. Someone, who wouldn't love my children as much as me and who might actually resent them. If for now, he wants to stay and is making a huge effort, seeking counseling,etc. then I owe it to my children and to the years, however tainted, that we've been together, to try. He can treat me like the second wife. I don't know how it will end, and to Beth's comment about seeming as we won.Trust me, I don't feel special, or like I won anything. I feel like the biggest loser on the planet. I feel thankful that there was a never a question whether he wanted to stay or go and then feel angry that I have that to feel happy about. There should have never been another choice. It should have always been me. He did want his cake and eat it too. He expresses much of the same sentiments and emotions as Richard did, entitlement, ego driven, fun, care-free, and after getting caught, remorse, embarrassment, guilt, sorrow and of course, the fog. He told me he was living in a fantasy. I don't know how this will end for us, but in my fantasy, it ends happily ever after, but I don't know if that's realistic. What I really fear is that their is no good answer, either I live with what he did to me, not quite ever happy again, or go and watch my children suffer, knowing that their father was willing to trash their lives for some whore, which would bring me possibly more unhappiness than if I stayed, and that scares the shit out of me.

RR

shawn thewife said...

RR: First, I am so sorry for your pain. When anyone new posts here, I feel immense empathy for your heartache and confusion. You are not alone. Many of us understand your struggle and will do what we can to offer support.
I don't post anymore. Not saying I won't ever again, but for now, I just don't feel like I have anything beneficial to share.
However, I do read the comments as often as I can I try to reach back to those who have reahed out.

Please remember, this is a long haul. Your emotions will ebb and flow like a rough tide. All of that is normal.
If your WH is showing you through actions that he is remorseful, words fall on deaf ears after DDay, then you may find a better, stronger marriage down the Road to Happy. I never thought it could happen after all the pain I endured, but it did.
Please check out the Healing Heart. The link is on my blog homepage. It is such a safe place, full of compassion and wisdom.
You'll find friends there that truly get it.
OR...email me anytime. shawnthewife@aol.com
We all need someone during affair recovery. Trying to navigate the Road to Happy alone can be exhausting.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

SLM said...

I just found your blog. I was just wondering if your husband had more than one affair. We are headed into year 2 after several D-days in which I think I finally have the whole story of 3 affairs spread over 23 years of marriage. 2 just for sex and the last one he found his "soul mate". Imagine his shock when his "soul Mate" refused to give me her address so I could drop his crap off at her house. We are trying to work things out...but depending on some ultimatums issued this week and how those work out...this weekend might be the end of the line for me. I am about to exit the bus from crazy town.

shawn thewife said...

SLM: Yep. 2 short stints with 2 women over 20 years ago, a one night romp with a hooker in Vegas 8 years ago and then this BIG one with She who shall not be named. He confessed to the previous 3 betrayals after the affair with her. I had no idea.

I would never have known about the others if I didn't catch him with She who shall not be named! (in case you're wondering, being new here and all...I don't say or type his affair partner's name anymore. No need!)

I can't say what I'd do if Richard cheated again. I really don't know. Our marriage is so much different now. He has done everything I asked of him for 5 years since DDay. Boundaries are crucial. I guess ultimatums are kind of the same thing. Boundaries and rules just sound more PC! But who cares about that, right??
I gotta feel secure. I made sure I was very clear about what I expected. He could take it or leave it.
Richard took it and he has held fast to my rules for 5 years! Be sure you are clear with evrything you need. Life after an affair is chaotic without some rules for security.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn