After an affair, your life doesn't belong to you anymore. For over a year, I couldn't control my own thoughts.
The turmoil in my head was viciously repetitive but savagely random. With this blog, I began to exorcise the demons holding my head hostage.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Where to go from Here?

I've been taking a little time to consider where this blog should go from here.  When I started writing on December 1st, 2011, I had less than no idea of where this path on my Road to Happy might take me.  Back then, I didn't even know about the elusive Road to Happy.   I couldn't see anything joyful.  I was much too wrapped up in my misery.
At that low point, the Road to Happy was an unknown entity.  Since DDay in October of 2010,  I had established residence in Crazy Town.  To find a Road to Happy that led out of that dismal, convoluted habitat I required the combined skills of Vasco de Gama and Sigmund Freud....OR other betrayed spouses that had traveled the Road before me.  They were my Map.   This blog was the path that led me to that map.

That first day, when I turned to the screen of my iMac longing for an electronic epiphany, I don't remember what I was looking for.  I know I started the blog before I began to surf the web searching for other possible remedies for my plight.  I spent hours that first day online.
Where in the hell did I get the idea to write a blog?  Beats me.  I had never read a blog, any blog, not even one about cooking or child rearing or the latest fashion trends.  Before that day, I had never visited a single web site that offered advice about Surviving Infidelity. (which was the first online forum I found.  It was so big it over-whelmed me.  One size does not fit all.  Soon I found the Healing Heart. It was a much better fit.  I felt so safe there.)
Googling 'how to heal after you discover your spouse is a cheating bastard' just never occurred to me.  Guess I'm kind of old school, but more than that....I think I wasn't ready to start walking my Road until I was ready to let "She who will no longer be named" go.
(That's right.  No more "J" name around here.  I might refer to her in a derogatory way from time to time, but I will not be typing her name on the pages of this blog again)

When you're ready to find your Road and take strong strides forward, you'll know.   It's a surge in your attitude, good or bad.  It could be a renewed sense of determination....or in my case, elevated desperation.  That's when you'll reach out for help.  It might be in the form of finding a new therapist.  Maybe a lengthy trip to the local Barnes and Noble self help section.  For me, it was extended time in cyber space and an urgency to empty the venom out of my soul.

Now that my story of "A Year After the Affair" is done, we have an opportunity to morph this blog into whatever we desire.  Here's the way I see it...
I'll do my best to post when I have a fresh thought I deem beneficial to other betrayed spouses in need of a little GPS. (Girl Powered Support!)
BUT....this blog would be better, greater, helpfuler, (that should be a real word!) if All of You shared your experiences here as well.  We should work together to transform this blog from it's beastly beginnings to a safe sanctuary for others that have yet to find their map, or even the desire to start looking for their Road to Happy.
Please send any topics, questions or experiences you want to share to my email:
All views and members of the adultery triangle welcome with one stipulation only...
No haters allowed!
That's it.  Simple enough.

Thank you for being my Map, my guides and my motivation.
This blog was the first path on my Road to Happy.  I really hope it can be a least a stepping stone on the Road for other betrayed spouses, too.
Hope & Hugs, my Friends.


Michelle Thewife said...

I have to admit I'm a little sad. It always comforted me knowing I could read your latest story and feel less crazy! Now that you're closing this chapter in your life, you seem so calm and collected. So mature and wise. This is great for you but what about the rest of us lunatics who are still living in crazy town?!! Lol

shawn thewife said...

Michelle: Don't be sad! For the record....I'm not nearly as together as you seem to think!! LOL!

I'm hoping we all still try to help one another. You don't need to hear anymore about my time in Crazy Town to help you find your path outta there! If you need help finding your Road to Happy, just ask. Comment here or email me.
We are all stronger when we walk the Road to Happy together!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Unashamed said...

It has been 4 years since my FED'S PA. He began it right around the time I was diagnosed with an aggressive melanoma. It must have been a godsend for him; my every day chemo regimen kept me bedridden for about 6 months making it so much easier for him to conduct his affair. He abandoned me at a time that I was unable to care for myself. I knew something was not right but he denied there was someone else and told me that he didn't love me any more and that over the years I had treated him so poorly that I destroyed his love for me. And I believed him. I believed the problem was of my making. When I finally discovered the truth it put me into the hospital. Yup, I ended up in Crazy Town - AKA the mental health unit of the hospital - for two weeks. He really did me wrong.

We separated for 4 months following my release from hospital but ultimately decided to reconcile and try to repair our marriage. It has been slow going, because, frankly, we have spent most of our time dealing with HIS guilty feelings. We are just now in a place where he's strong enough to support me through my own healing - and I give him all credit, he's doing all the right things. ..but I don't know. I had to push down my own feelings for so long (to support him through his) that it's like I'm numb now. I don't know if I love him any more. I'm so confused because this is what I wanted (or thought I wanted) for so long,and now that it is within my grasp I don't even know if I care anymore.

I know this: I no longer feel safe in my marriage. I'm not really afraid he will cheat one again...I am afraid that he is going to let me down again. I can't trust him to be there for me when I need him.

I thought by this time I would be done with all this - one way or the other. It's been 4 years and I'm still so very unhappy. I don't even know where the Road to Happy begins...

I'm sorry this was so long. Thanks for listening.

lossing said...

Another unwelcomed bump in the road. I specifically explained in great details to my Gyn. that it was extremely important when they filed my insurance claim that it couldn't be filed as a routine office visit Friday I got my E O B in the mail and they denied my claim. I just called and they told me that my insurance didn't cover routine VD screening I had to explain to him that it was not routine. It was being rechecked from an earlier illness that I had to receive treatment for. I was so embarrassed without reason to be I told the young man straight out it wasn't me. H. walked in I was going to tell him well he could have cared less he was to busy he had things to do. Just a normal day life around here.

lossing said...

Honey, I'm so sorry I know how you fill from the outside not the inside. No one knows the inside unless it's happened to you. From the outside I went through this same thing with my daughter. The first 4 years of there marriage she had 4 major surgeries and not one of them was her husband with her. He used the excuse that he had to work. I know Ups would have given him time off work. I left her dad and traveled 557 miles to be with her each time. Two of those times H. and I both went to help. We both gladly did it but each time when she got home from the hospital we or I had to leave there house when he got home from work and stay gone till he went to bed. I did it once for 3 months. Not that I didn't do it gladly and we both would do it again in a heartbeat. This Aug. after 12 years of marriage he filled for divorce. He has been cheating on her forever. He never tried to hide it either. She had a complete H.after there daughter was borned. He left condoms and Vigrea laying in his sock draw. She is in a nice place and really enjoying a lot of peace. There daughter loves her new place. Money wise and insurance she's having it bad but peace of mind yes. I sure wish you well.

Anonymous said...

I would like to know what has your husband done to show he has done wrong and what has he done to improve your marriage. I have read the whole blog. Just like you call Jamie names, I want to call your husband names. He literally put his tail between his legs and hid during your crazy town years so that he didn't have to lose anything. I understand that you now see clearly what you have done wrong. But it is your husband who made you out to look like a psyco in so many ways, instead of protecting you.

Michelle said...

Great point anonymous. A Richard roast has been in order for a long time. Jaymie has been made out to be the bitch whore, the dumb young twit, the whatever else you called her and you've been the crazy lady who stalked the church, the shrew that made a scene @ your husand's office & many more things. But calling Richard a liar, a cheater, a coward is all TOO DIGNIFIED for this shitstorm he caused.

In this blog it seems he got away with murder. He hid in the corner letting the women fight it out. And I'm sure he was secretly loving every minute of all the attention, tears, pick me dancing and more! Maybe you're on to something Shawn, maybe no words for Richard is the right way. He is so cowardly and dispicable to me, that I have zero, zip, zilch words for him.

Anonymous said...

Where ever this blog is heading, I am along for the ride!


shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I'm gonna try to deal with each point in your comment.

1. what has your husband done to show he has done wrong and what has he done to improve your marriage - Richard did a lot and still does a lot. If he didn't I would never have been able to remain in our marriage. Maybe he made some mis-steps after trickle truth. That sucked. But there has been so much more that he did right under the guidance of the lovely Dr. K. That's all I can say unless you really need specifics. That would require an entire post.

2. I want to call your husband names. - Go ahead. Knock yourself out. I'll start...Richard was a Massive Asshat, Chickenshit Fucktard.

3. He literally put his tail between his legs and hid during your crazy town years so that he didn't have to lose anything. - Literally? I think you mean figuratively, but I do get your point.
You're wrong. He had a lot to lose! ME, but he didn't hide. He just knew better than to challenge me. He was all about saving our marriage. He let me lead the way to reconciliation. The first year had to be on my terms even if I had no idea what those terms were half of the time!

4. your husband who made you out to look like a psyco in so many ways, instead of protecting you. - He didn't make me look like a psycho! I did that all by my lonesome. His actions sent me in that direction, no doubt, but I take full responsibility for my actions while living in Crazy Town. Not sure how he was supposed to protect me from myself!

Whew..there. Did I cover everything? Hope so.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

BS said...

Michelle said: In this blog it seems he got away with murder. He hid in the corner letting the women fight it out.

And I'm sure he was secretly loving every minute of all the attention, tears, pick me dancing and more!

Maybe you're on to something Shawn, maybe no words for Richard is the right way. He is so cowardly and dispicable to me, that I have zero, zip, zilch words for him.

September 29, 2014 at 10:40 PM


Did you actually read Shawn's blog?

She has already mentioned many times in comments and even postings that Richard's behavior was despicable, cowardly, slutty etc.

She may have not used those exact words but the sentiment was unmistakable.

How did you miss that?

Also, I don't see that she did a "pick me dance"

I mean seriously when one is doing the pick me dance they DO NOT go to crazy town.

They act sweet and loving to lure the asshat cheating spouse back in with honeyed crusts of bread.

I did not see Shawn acting sweet or alluring.

Did you read the part about snot dripping from her nose?

Yet, Richard stood in the storm he created. He stayed by Shawn's side and is still there.

He defended Shawn and made requests of Jaime that he likely found upsetting/

Still, he made the requests because he realized that what both he and Jaime did to his family was not very admirable.

And in the end he knew he belonged with Shawn.

I see, written between the lines, that Richard paid the price for his indiscretions. Most of it emotionally self-inflicted.

I saw that Richard was doing plenty of squirming and writhing in the aftermath of discovery.

Okay so squirming and writhing is only considered dancing in certain cultures, but that's just semantics, right ;)

The Baka dancers in east Cameroon, call writhing and squirming dancing. So, it's only a matter of perspective.

Both Shawn and Richard refused to cut and run after discovery day. They both chose to save their marriage.

They both chose to grab each other by the hand and dance. That's what lovers do.....they dance with each other.

Working on their marriage was worth it to both of them.

What is your story, Michelle?

Anonymous said...

He was suppose to protect you from yourself, but didn't. He chose an affair instead and gets to go on about his happy cake eating life. Until the next whore comes along. Shawn have you read chump lady? Her blog is great. Ya can't tell me you don't feel, at times, like a chump for staying with Mr. Asshat.

Juleth said...

That's your opinion, and it's her choice though, right? I can count on one hand the people who know about my H's A. Each of these people LOVE both my H and me and they respect our choices and our marriage. If we had split, they would've supported us through it. We stayed together, and they are thrilled that we made it out of an A in one piece and in a great place and actually were routing for that all along. One of the reasons I chose these people and I did not tell the world is because of the no judgment attitude no matter what. One thing I would not want to hear today is I'm a sucker, I made a mistake, he'll cheat again, he's an asshat...that is not something I need to hear to keep propelling my marriage forward. I can also tell you even if there was no affair I would take issue with ANYONE calling my H names or passing judgment for any reason. So kudos to you once again Shawn, for laying it all out there for people to see and give hope and hugs ;). The comments seeing how many people you've helped, who look to your blog for's heartwarming. One of those people was me about two years ago. :)

Honestly, my opinion of Richard is, he did the absolute best thing he could've done after his A. He let Shawn dictate the healing path. That included, if she needed to be crazy, he let her. In my opinion he'll never cheat again. He could've left her at anytime in the months/years after the A, but he stuck it out with her through this. I know spouses who left one another over less than that, and there was no affair. If they can make it through that, you guys are golden.

Mazel to you Shawn, and Richard too.


PS: you should do a whole blog post about the things Richard did right. :)

Kate M. said...

Anonymous, I don't understand where you're getting this stuff. When a betrayed spouse is as angry and upset as Shawn was, and I am/was, and many of us are/were for a looong time... these waywards aren't eating cake, let me tell ya. They can't even remember what cake looks or tastes like, for god knows how long.
They're eating the shit sandwich they made when we weren't looking.

Team Chump said...

When did Shawn pick me dance? HaHaHa you're kidding right? She did no pick me dancing? Hahahahh. Shawn did a shit ton of pick me dancing and other manipulative games. For instance the pic of her immediately after DDay being fake happy with Richard during halloween. Her hugging him so tightly and him standing there with his cake eating studly zombie faced grin as if he just got away with murder. She even mentioned she couldn'nt believe how willing she was so early on to fight for him. THAT'S CALLED THE PICK ME DANCE! And if you think hysterical bonding is not the cherry top of the cupcake for "the pick me dance" you are most certainly mistaken. That's doesn't even crack a dent into all the humiliating pick me dancing Shawn did. If you really want the honest truth, this whole blog is a pick me dance. We all saw how well Jaymie wrote for her age. She was a beautiful eloquent writer. I always felt this blog was Shawn trying to one up her in the creative writing dept. It's pathetic.

shawn thewife said...

Team Chump: (Seriously??? They have a team now??)
I'm not gonna debate you. I just have one question:
If you are a betrayed spouse, does it help you heal when you degrade and judge other betrayed spouses when their choices differ from yours?
If this is part of your healing process, I'm not gonna try and reel you in. More than most, I am well aware of how people in pain tend to lash out randomly.
Unlike Chump Lady's blog, when you comment here, you can be assured all choices after DDay are considered GOOD choices. We will not judge you or ridicule you for choosing to leave your WS.

Because I can feel your pain through the screen...I still offer Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

BS: You have got my story pegged, Girl!! Thanks for the back up.
Did I really write about snot dripping out of my nose?? GROSS..but true on many occasions!!
Thanks so much for all your support.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

KateM. LMAO!!
Cake vs. Shit Sandwich!!
I can't wait to tell Richard about that one!!
The man ate so much shit that first year!! Deservedly so...but as I wrote about the first year after DDay, I often cringed at what I put him through.
A cheater that will eat as much shit as the betrayed can dish out probably deserves another chance...and some fresh HOMEMADE cake!! LOL!
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I CAN tell you and I will tell you...I have never felt like a CHUMP for staying with Mr. Asshat except for maybe during that first year after DDay when I had NO clue what I wanted.

I've read Chump Lady. I am not a fan. The readers there have no compassion for the betrayed that choose reconciliation. I see little use for "support" that is so judgmental.
I can't abide by it.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Oh my Gosh, I cant stop crying now though my story is very different from mighty hate me but please judge not...

BS said...

Kate M. Wrote: these waywards aren't eating cake, let me tell ya. They can't even remember what cake looks or tastes like, for god knows how long.

That's so true.

The cheating spouses do not get off easy, yet they still choose the wife and their marriage

IMO, that says a lot.

Also, as another poster mentioned there are people who will divorce over very small issues. Issues that are far less traumatic than infidelity.

anonymous wrote: Ya can't tell me you don't feel, at times, like a chump for staying with Mr. Asshat.

I can't speak for Shawn, and I see she already posted her answer to that.

But I can say: No, I don't feel like a chump. I made a fully informed choice to stick around and try to salvage my marriage, even though my husband acted like an asshat.

It's working for me.

Seems like it's working for Shawn, and Kate M and Tryinghard, and others here, too.

I am sad that things did not work out for the "Chump team", but it's all good. That was your choice. And that choice was also a fully informed choice.

Shawn wrote: A cheater that will eat as much shit as the betrayed can dish out probably deserves another chance...and some fresh HOMEMADE cake!! LOL!

Couldn't have said it better. My husband is enjoying his HOMEMADE cake, too.


I think the snot dripping post was the post where you were sitting in the church and someone came over to comfort you and you started to cry.

I enjoyed the honesty in that post.

After discovery day, at various times, I had plenty of snot dripping from my nose. Not a pretty sight, I am quite certain.

I am not sure, however, I would have the courage to mention that, until you did.

Anonymous said...

Dear Shawn,

I can't remember how I found your blog about a year ago, but i've read every single post right from the beginning. I'm a betrayed wife who still holds onto some tenuous hope of husband waking up to reality some day,even though he left me and our two children almost 2 and a half years ago, to live out his affair with a colleague from work. What I would like to see on this blog, should you continue to write, is the actual Road to Happy: in what ways you and Richard have been recovering your marriage AFTER the end of She Who Will Not Be Named, and after your passage through Crazy Town. In other words, I think a lot of us wonder about the actual healing part of this kind of journey.I feel THAT part of your story would probably be very helpful for all those readers who are currently struggling to do the same.(Not my particular case right now, but perhaps useful for future reference!One can always hope!).

Thank you, and hugs,


patty o said...

I second that I would like to hear more from Richard, that is if he dare tell the truth. Maybe a wayward questionaire of sorts. Regrets? Anything he would've done different after DDay? How does he know he won't do it again? How does he think he has changed? How does he think you have changed? If he had an opportunity to say any last words to Jaymie, what would he say? Apologies? How did he feel when he was replaced by geek boy? How does he feel about himself? Does he still suffer from guilt? Guilt from hurting you? Guilty from hurting Jaymie? Both? Etc. Etc. Would be interesting to hear from the main character of this whole shit storm of a story.

I am happy for your road to happy Shawn. May. We all get there sooner than later.

shawn thewife said...

Anonymous: I am so sorry for your pain. Some men don't wake up from the fog. You know how I say sometimes good people do ridiculously bad things? The cheaters that leave with the OW probably weren't ever decent men to begin with. I think anyone who can't leave a marriage before they find someone else to wash their undies is a true chicken-shit.

I think your idea of sharing what paves our individual Roads to Happy is a fabulous idea. Each of us have a unique path. I know hearing stories from others that had already done the hard work of affair recovery was one of the major things that helped pull my sorry ass out of Crazy Town. I will try to work on that post.

For now...let me share a thought with you. Please do what you can to focus on your happiness. Do something just for you. If you focus on your WH and his OW, work to switch up your thinking. The less you allow them to suck the happiness out of your life, the easier your walk on your Road will be.
Sometimes happiness is a choice.
The 180 can be a real life changer!
Let us know when you need a should for support, some compassion when you hurt...or pep talk to motivate you.
We'll be right here.
Hope & Hugs, Shawn

TryingHard said...

Hi Shawn

You did a great job on the blog. I've enjoyed reading it and had quite a few laughs too. I may take you up and tell you my story via email. Maybe not for publication because I'm not quite sure about the Statutes of Limitation in my state!!! Can't go getting arrested :) I spent some time in Crazy Town as well with the help of mixing some meds and the lack of good judgement during the emotional maelstrom. Not a year, but a crazy couple of weeks.

I think you and all of us have value in telling our stories. Right or wrong, crazy or stoic. I hope you continue to write. It's good to get it out and really this is the place to do it.

I do read Chump Lady blog. I like it. I also read her book. I think she has some very valid and helpful advice. Yeah she leans on the side of Once a Cheater Always a Cheater and I can't say that I disagree with her. But that's my experience. I do have some regrets of not leaving. But I also know of many who divorced and have regrets about that as well.

My life is good. My husband has done a 180. LOL maybe we do have those Unicorns that CL talks about. I truly believe we all have regrets to one extent or another with regards to staying or divorcing. It's human nature. No body can be convinced 100% ever about it.

I had no choice in the matter when my h decided to have an affair. I do now. I and life is much different after affair. One can't help but change. I have my reasons for staying and trying and I can say without a doubt, I don't think my life would be any better had I chosen divorce. So there you have it. It is what it is. Life goes on.

The one thing I like about Chump Lady is she puts all the onus on the Cheater and really that is where it belongs. I think when we go after the OW or OM, although I don't see husband going after the OM like wives go after the OW, it is a knee jerk reaction.

And HELL NO my H after discovery had NO CAKE eating. Shit sandwiches all the way!!! It was fucking brutal. But CL redirects the onus where it belongs on the Cheater and that the OW/OM is just a bit player. Really helped me get over the bitterness and frustration I had about wanting revenge! Anyway, I like her. Some of her readers are pretty tedious and bitter, but they've really been abused and I think bitter is the normal aftermath for some betrayeds. So I like her blog too and I get a lot of help from reading her letters and replies and insights.

Shawn, I'd love to hear more about what you and Richard, and your readers too, did to make your relationship right and honest. What he did specifically. My H just this week did such a small but meaningful thing for me. When he did it I'm sure he thought nothing of it but for me, someone who is still full of doubts about her decision, it was huge. Really catapulted him into the to be trustworthy category again!

Anyway, to all the Anons who come here to brow beat Shawn I get where you are coming from even if I do believe some are OW or related to the OW. Some I believe are just truly hurt women from the divorce/infidelity/betrayal and are somehow trying to talk all of us into throwing the cheating jerk to the curb too because according to their theories, they will NEVER do the right thing. You may be right but your saying it won't convince me. It's a decision that I will have to come to if and when there is any more disrespect. So while we can listen to you and even feel for you, your comments are never going to influence us to believe that you know what is best for our lives.

Great Weekends Everyone :)

Anonymous said...

Trying Hard,

Oh my goodness, you said what I've been wanting to say for so long. I am with you. CL and Shawn are not mutually exclusive of each other. There is actually so much overlap in many ways. We are all trying to deal with the pain of betrayal. There is value to both sites in helping us do so. I too am in reconciliation. My husband too has done a complete 180. That doesn't mean I am not scared of having blinders on at some point down the road. CL makes sure I don't. Shawn gives me hope along the way. I love both, I value both.

TL xx